Imonlyhuman Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) I met my girlfriend when I was 22, she was 19. Almost 3years later, she breaks up with me. It has been a few months since our break upand I’ve been up and down but more on the down side. I made a few mistakes during our time that has me believing I’mmainly at fault for this break up. I’ve learned a lot with this relationshipthat I know it will make me a better person individually and better boyfriendwhen that day comes again. I’m not sure what to do so here is a little about my story(sorry for the length) When I started dating my gf, I had a heavy heart due to abad ex that put me really down and broke me like never before. With that beingsaid, I had my walls up for quite some time because of my past and I know nowto never do that again. I know it is a little natural to have your walls upafter a prior relationship but new person, new beginning, and the not the sameperson. Anyways, first 6 months with my ex, we had a good time getting to knoweach other and becoming compatible with each other. I even took her to Disneylandwhich was the first time I have ever went on a vacation like that with me and agirlfriend. After Disneyland and the next 4-6 months, I became uncertain if I reallywanted the relationship and honestly, I’m not really sure why. My guard was upand I distant myself just a little bit. I didn’t do things with her like whenshe invited me to her friend’s wedding, I didn’t go or I didn’t go with her onher family’s camping trip. I also did probably the most stupid things I probablyever could do to, I told her I loved her and then took it back. I know thatreally hurt her inside. Our first Christmas, I was still uncertain and I didn’tdo much for her on Christmas. It was like my head and heart wasn’t there or maybe it was just the wrong time being in a relationship? After Christmas, I started opening up a little more andtaking my guard down and actually falling for her more now. The love was realand I was happy. We became such great friends, best friends and lovers. I eventook her to Disneyworld for our next vacation. With all this being said anddone, as I was falling for her…I eventually ended up very comfortable with herand maybe too comfortable. I kind of stopped doing my sweet things that madeher fall for me, I stopped being so passionate and affectionate towards her. Ibelieve I started becoming dull and possibly boring because every day I when Iwoke up, I was happy that I had her in my life as a natural feeling. See, my exbefore her, I had to fight for her love and fight everyday giving my very bestbefore she torn me apart. Now, with my current ex, I didn’t have to do that asit was a neutral feeling between each other that I didn’t have to fight for herlove which made me not always give my best to her. I began to lose my best trait as a boyfriend, my willingnessto give to make the person I love happy. It is never about me but always aboutthe person I care most about and for some odd reason, I lost that. I becamelazy and did the same things over and over each week. I stopped calling as muchand mainly just texting and she hated that. She started to feel unwanted andwasn’t seeking that attention because my comfort with her felt that I didn’tneed to keep fighting because I felt we belong together no matter what. I guessI was being selfish. I was even being selfish with the sex as I stopped doingforeplay and only satisfying myself even though she always stopped if I finishedfirst which I didn’t like. I wanted to keep going but she kept saying thingslike, “it is not the same after I finish” or “we need to finish together” whichI think is very hard to do. I think since I let the sex life lose the passionit needs; that was a big thing to her since she is young and doesn’t want a badsex life for next years to come. That is my fault when she told me that. So as comfortable as I was getting with her, I guess I waslosing myself. When she would talk about her feelings, I didn’t sincerelylisten and put my heart into it, to change or make a different approach to makeher happy. We had this same discussion multiple times and after awhile, I didn’twant to hear it anymore as I felt I was getting attacked and a natural reactionis to tell yell back when you feel attacked. I did that as well as walked outof the house and got in my car. She hated that and now I know why. I made toomany mistakes by this time. I figured we would always be together (never thinkthis) because our bond/chemistry was crazy good and we talked about marriageand kids and how we wanted that together. I focused too much on the future thanI did the present. I felt we were made to be together as we were so alike butmaybe too alike which could have been a problem? Her being young might have a little thing to do with it asshe might not be fully matured yet but I put most blame, if not all on myself.I took her for granted by being too comfortable and not being the bestboyfriend to my ability and I honestly can’t find an answer to why would I dothis? All those times I had the chance to hold her, call her, kiss her more,and what not…I took it for granted and it crushes me. In the beginning ofthe relationship, I kept my guard up so I wouldn’t go down this same very roadfull of pain…it eventually happened because I let the past dictate my presentwhich I shouldn’t have let that happen. She didn’t get to witness the best ofme, well she did but not for the whole relationship. I didn’t do anything terribly bad to kill our relationshiplike cheating but killed the emotional side. I just didn’t make her feel wantedand give her the affection she wanted and I still don’t know why I didn’t dothat. I don’t know why I got so comfortable, lazy with some things, and maybedull and boring. We kept doing everything we loved to do when I should havechanged it up to keep the fire still lit. I always did what she wanted to do exceptsome things. What sucks the most, she never gave me a second chance……everypain is a lesson and learning curve and she didn’t give me that chance to showher how much this break up has woke me up because I’m still young myself as I don’tknow everything about relationships and women. I’m learning just like she isbut I know it is my fault that it took a break up for me to realize a lot ofthings. It has definitely help me improved on myself in different areas that I’mthankful for but it was not worth it by losing her. I’m afraid when she thinks of me, she doesn’t think of how agreat person/boyfriend I am even though she told me that when we broke up.After we broke up, she started talking to a close friend of hers and supposedlythey started to really talk within a month or two since our break up. Of coursethat really hurts me as I’m still here thinking about her. I’m not sure if it’sa rebound to having something to void what we had because honestly and notbeing cocky, he is a downgrade. Anyways, so after a few months since our break up, I had myups and downs. I go out, hang with friends and family, went on a vacation, talkto women, and went on a few dates and so on. I did all these things but at theend of day, she is always on my mind. I’m struggling to move on and I don’tknow why when I’ve been through this before. I think because I put most blameon me, since I know it is my fault; it makes this break up even harder than itprobably should be. I’m so sorry that I took her for granted and it crushes mebecause I had all the chances in the world to change things so we could havebeen together today but I didn’t. I hate myself for that and it has been astruggle to forgive myself. I understand I’m young and my feelings eventually shouldfade away and should be able to find another woman but it has been difficult asmost of the women I’ve talked to or went on dates with have not moved me in away where I want more. I guess I haven’t found anyone to take my attention offmy ex. I think about my ex way too much and I hate it. I feel less of a man as Ikeep feeling this when I shouldn’t as she thinks about a new guy and not meanymore. She doesn’t care about me anymore so why should I? I broke NC a few times to see where her heart was at and tolet her know how I still feel about her but I’m assuming this new guy made herlosing feelings for me and it just hurts. I know I shouldn’t have broken NC butI did. I just never smothered her because I didn’t want to push her away anyfurther. What is a little weird to me is that when we first started dating, herex would communicate with her and she would reply back sometimes but eventuallystopped but she totally deleted me out of her life without looking back once. Iruined us. With all that being said and I’m sorry for the length ofthis message but I don’t know what to do anymore as I’m still hurting andthinking of her. I know my friends are tired of hearing it as they should bebecause I shouldn’t be like this still. Same goes with my family so I’m here onthis thread for help. I know the process, I know it will eventually get betterbut maybe I’m just not as strong as I should be to let go and move on. I don’twant to feel this pain anymore and I don’t know what to do anymore as if I’mlost….. I’m still in love with her and miss her like crazy after all thesemonths when I shouldn’t be. I’m sorry Edited July 16, 2015 by Imonlyhuman
Author Imonlyhuman Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 I'm not sure why it is not letting me edit because i just realized that some of the words do not have a space between them as I copied and paste on this thread.
54JA Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Hi there. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts. It sounds like you learned a lot and know exactly what to do/not to do in your next relationship. Your next girl will be lucky to have a guy doesn't take her for granted. Hang in there. 1
Author Imonlyhuman Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 Hi there. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts. It sounds like you learned a lot and know exactly what to do/not to do in your next relationship. Your next girl will be lucky to have a guy doesn't take her for granted. Hang in there. Thank you! I've been using as much strength as I can so I can get pass this and not lose hope of future relationships. I've learned a lot and I'm thankful for that as it should better me moving forward. However, I wish I learned this sooner before she broke up with me. I never wanted to lose her but I did and I'm trying to forgive myself. Thanks again for replying
mightycpa Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 You know what? You can't blame yourself for this. Nobody can be "on" 24/7. Your SO has to cut you some slack sometimes. You're only human, if you know what I'm saying. The truth is sometimes you will be taken for granted. Sometimes you will take the other for granted. It happens. You'll make mistakes, and so will they. That happens too. I think that you have to consider that she didn't really inspire you. You got lazy, which means you weren't that enthusiastic. There's some reason for that. The truth is you could have been the perfect boyfriend, and it wouldn't have changed a thing. It might have lasted a little longer, or maybe not. But it doesn't sound like this thing had legs to stand on. Sorry. I'm sure you'll feel better when you meet a new little hottie. 1
Author Imonlyhuman Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 You know what? You can't blame yourself for this. Nobody can be "on" 24/7. Your SO has to cut you some slack sometimes. You're only human, if you know what I'm saying. The truth is sometimes you will be taken for granted. Sometimes you will take the other for granted. It happens. You'll make mistakes, and so will they. That happens too. I think that you have to consider that she didn't really inspire you. You got lazy, which means you weren't that enthusiastic. There's some reason for that. The truth is you could have been the perfect boyfriend, and it wouldn't have changed a thing. It might have lasted a little longer, or maybe not. But it doesn't sound like this thing had legs to stand on. Sorry. I'm sure you'll feel better when you meet a new little hottie. I know I shouldn't take all the blame as family and friends tell me not to but when I know I'm really at fault for this break up, it's hard not to. I could of changed things to prevent this and I didn't. It's something I'm just going to have to live with and learn from. You could be right as she was younger than I was as I'm already in my career while she's in school about to graduate but I was waiting for her because I know she is going to be successful. I don't know why I became lazy, I don't really have an answer. That day will come when I will feel alright and some hottie will sweep me off my feet and I'm looking forward to that day. Just wish I didn't miss my ex as much as I do.
ravfour4 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I felt the same way, with hindsight I can see everything that went wrong and all the things I could have done differently, but then I remember what it was REALLY like. I wasn't just being a distant ass, she was shut down, I'd ask what's wrong and she'd give me a BS answer. She'd tell me to quit smoking and then would smoke with me the next day. She'd tell me we needed to do more fun things, but she'd never take a day off work and I went out with friends much more than her and always wanted her to be there, I also encouraged her to hangout with her friends, but she never would. I was dealing with a cold brick wall that I couldn't break through, she had probably already fallen out of love. Sure I could have calmed down and said "babe, let's talk this through" and put more effort into it, but it didn't feel worth it when she was such a porcupine and wasn't doing anything nice to me that would make me want to be nice back. 1
Author Imonlyhuman Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I felt the same way, with hindsight I can see everything that went wrong and all the things I could have done differently, but then I remember what it was REALLY like. I wasn't just being a distant ass, she was shut down, I'd ask what's wrong and she'd give me a BS answer. She'd tell me to quit smoking and then would smoke with me the next day. She'd tell me we needed to do more fun things, but she'd never take a day off work and I went out with friends much more than her and always wanted her to be there, I also encouraged her to hangout with her friends, but she never would. I was dealing with a cold brick wall that I couldn't break through, she had probably already fallen out of love. Sure I could have calmed down and said "babe, let's talk this through" and put more effort into it, but it didn't feel worth it when she was such a porcupine and wasn't doing anything nice to me that would make me want to be nice back. When I do look back there are times I remember all she wanted to do was stay home get a pizza and watch movies and I was totally fine with that. It became a pattern and she wouldn't tell me if she wanted to do anything else as I feel that's where my comfort and laziness came in. She did ask me to take her ice skating and I didn't do that which I feel very stupid for not doing that. I think she got mad over small little things but because she didn't do a lot of sweet things to me, it didn't make me want to be even more sweet like I usually am. Wish we could have worked on a few things in our relationship because I enjoyed our relationship and friendship even though there were some things we should of worked on. She lost sight on fighting for us because I think she let another guy in her mind. I could be wrong but it's just my feeling.
ravfour4 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Same here. Instead of sitting me down and saying "ravfour4, we gotta change something to make this work", she just acted super bitchy, brought up random problems without being consistent and never tried anything to fix them. It seemed like she didn't care at all so I didn't care either. She never did anything nice so I didn't want to go out of my way to be nice to someone who was being so cold. It was a vicious cycle.
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