Kitkatleen24 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) I get to know a guy 2 weeks ago on a dating site. He moved here 3 years back for work. Seems like a nice guy but showed interest fast. He said he likes talking to me as I'm a decent and simple girl. I did mentioned meeting up but he said to let his work ease down & we will plan. He's basically married to his work which is fine as I also need time to feel comfortable enough to meet up. I'm really inexperienced in dating so I don't understand what is "ghosting" or "fade off" & my friend said it might be this case.. So we do texts everyday, communication drastically dropped these 2 days out of the sudden. He claimed he was very busy with work and I don't even see him online. Yesterday he seems cold to me and kept asking me to get back to work. He said he have no time to be bugged (I mentioned I was having a break and bugging him for abit). And I said "I'm sorry, I'll back off now". And he replied "not like that, I'm sorry I'm just very busy and stressed". Am I over analysing or he is really that busy? Previously he always mentioned that I'm delaying his work cause he can't stop talking to me. I would appreciate all the advices given. Thanks in advice! Edited July 16, 2015 by Kitkatleen24 Typo
babycakees Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I think I would let this guy initiate contact next time. That way you know for sure he's interested. I dislike online dating because this type of behavior seems the norm. If this guy is so busy, why is he attempting online dating? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Meh, I wouldn't bother. Don't text him anymore. If he really wants to talk, he'll be in touch. And I agree with the above poster: where does he find the time to do OLD if he is so busy with work? 2
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 Yes guess I'll back off. He seems to be doing the slow fade. He told me he was busy but guess what? I logged on and saw he was "just online" a few times! Not gonna deny but I do feel hurt. This is the first time someone did the slow fade to me, I thought he was nice. I won't text him anymore and when he does, I'll hold back as well.
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 How rude of him to say you're bugging him. I would next him. 3
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 How rude of him to say you're bugging him. I would next him. So would I.... especially considering you have NEVER even met him and he is NOT expressing any interest in meeting you. Either block him or just stop responding. Loser. 3
xcupid Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) Let's assume for a minute that he really is busy, stressed, and married to his work. That tells you that he has NO time for you. It also tells you that you're not his priority, his work is. And that may never change. Keep in mind that you have never met this guy. You don't know him. You don't even know if you're compatible. At this stage, you're wasting your time with him. It's time to move on and find a guy who DOES have time for you, makes you his priority, and won't find you an interruption to his work. Good luck! Edited July 16, 2015 by xcupid 3
Redhead14 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I get to know a guy 2 weeks ago on a dating site. He moved here 3 years back for work. Seems like a nice guy but showed interest fast. He said he likes talking to me as I'm a decent and simple girl. I did mentioned meeting up but he said to let his work ease down & we will plan. He's basically married to his work which is fine as I also need time to feel comfortable enough to meet up. I'm really inexperienced in dating so I don't understand what is "ghosting" or "fade off" & my friend said it might be this case.. So we do texts everyday, communication drastically dropped these 2 days out of the sudden. He claimed he was very busy with work and I don't even see him online. Yesterday he seems cold to me and kept asking me to get back to work. He said he have no time to be bugged (I mentioned I was having a break and bugging him for abit). And I said "I'm sorry, I'll back off now" And he replied "not like that, I'm sorry I'm just very busy and stressed". Am I over analysing or he is really that busy? Previously he always mentioned that I'm delaying his work cause he can't stop talking to me. I would appreciate all the advices given. Thanks in advice! First of all, if you are stressing because he didnt call you for 2 days you are too invested in this guy already. Second, don't start analyzing everything he tells you. He said he is busy, he's busy. You have nothing else to go on. And you you xhould not be calling him at work this early in the dating scenario. He apparently already told you at some point he cant talk while at work. Back off a bit. Let him come to you for awhile until its clear he's really that interested. Don't chase him. For now, wait for him to call you again. Don't reach out to him first for any reason. You may have already pushed this a little by bothering him at work. Clingy. The only possible way to try to recover from that is to not contact first for a while anyway. Go out an have some fun until he calls you. If he does't so be it. This is something to learn from now. Let them come to you when its early in the scenario. After a while its ok for you to initiate some. 1
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 First of all, if you are stressing because he didnt call you for 2 days you are too invested in this guy already. Second, don't start analyzing everything he tells you. He said he is busy, he's busy. You have nothing else to go on. And you should not be calling him at work this early in the dating scenario. He apparently already told you at some point he cant talk while at work. Back off a bit. Let him come to you for awhile until its clear he's really that interested. Don't chase him. For now, wait for him to call you again. Don't reach out to him first for any reason. You may have already pushed this a little by bothering him at work. Clingy. The only possible way to try to recover from that is to not contact first for a while anyway. Go out an have some fun until he calls you. If he does't so be it. This is something to learn from now. Let them come to you when its early in the scenario. After a while its ok for you to initiate some. They are not dating...they have not even met yet. Not sure if you caught that.... 3
Bobbi7 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Yes guess I'll back off. He seems to be doing the slow fade. He told me he was busy but guess what? I logged on and saw he was "just online" a few times! Not gonna deny but I do feel hurt. This is the first time someone did the slow fade to me, I thought he was nice. I won't text him anymore and when he does, I'll hold back as well. He's probably being honest with being "busy" at work, but it could be that he's using that as an excuse? 1
katiegrl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Yes guess I'll back off. He seems to be doing the slow fade. He told me he was busy but guess what? I logged on and saw he was "just online" a few times! Not gonna deny but I do feel hurt. This is the first time someone did the slow fade to me, I thought he was nice. I won't text him anymore and when he does, I'll hold back as well. This is too much drama for a guy you have never even met. And no offense, but the slow fade? How can he be fading on you when you never had him in the first place? Remember, this is a guy you have never even met... Just next him.... he's not into it. Any guy who tells you he doesn't want to be bugged...is NOT a guy who is interested in you... or in meeting you, or anything about you. Sorry. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 How rude of him to say you're bugging him. I would next him. Yeah, he could have done better job of telling her that she is the crossing line by calling a man she's never met in person at work and being clingy already 3
Zippy2000 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 On line dating/ Nothing worse than finding someone you like and seeing them online talking to other people. The one thing I hate and shows they are keeping their options open. 1
Fleur de cactus Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 This is OLD, don't get stressed over this. This is nothing, and you will see more of this with others you meet online. You do not know this guy. He may not be interested, just continue dating. You are not losing anything really. 1
katiegrl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) On line dating/ Nothing worse than finding someone you like and seeing them online talking to other people. The one thing I hate and shows they are keeping their options open. Of course he is keeping his options open, and why shouldn't he? Until two people have actually met in person and established a connection (at the very least), he/she have every right to keep options open, talk to and date others. Frankly, IMO the OP's behavior is way over the top here. She is behaving like this man is her boyfriend, contacting him at work, etc. No wonder he snapped back he did not want to be bugged. OP, lesson learned for next time (sorry this man is gone IMO)...try not to get too emotionally wrapped up in a guy before ever even meeting him. Edited July 17, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Hi everyone, thanks for the honest advices! I admit I do have tendencies to over analyse and get way too attached. I don't often let people in to my trust circle and I thought we were forming a friendship thus I was hurt that he couldn't tell me up front that he wanted to stop talking. By the way, I did not call him (we text) at work. He's usually the one who bugs me when I'm working and "bug" was just a inside joke. What puzzles me is why the sudden change? He was showing a lot of interest and the next day, he just fades off. I'm really inexperienced in dating and an abusive history doesn't help. But you guys are right, I need to step back! The last thing I said was "I'm sorry if I'm bugging you". He didn't respond nor came online. So I'll let it be, hard lesson learnt but good experience. At least I know now that it's common for people to do this. Guess I need to improve on myself before I step back into dating again.
Redhead14 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Hi everyone, thanks for the honest advices! I admit I do have tendencies to over analyse and get way too attached. I don't often let people in to my trust circle and I thought we were forming a friendship thus I was hurt that he couldn't tell me up front that he wanted to stop talking. By the way, I did not call him (we text) at work. He's usually the one who bugs me when I'm working and "bug" was just a inside joke. What puzzles me is why the sudden change? He was showing a lot of interest and the next day, he just fades off. I'm really inexperienced in dating and an abusive history doesn't help. But you guys are right, I need to step back! The last thing I said was "I'm sorry if I'm bugging you". He didn't respond nor came online. So I'll let it be, hard lesson learnt but good experience. At least I know now that it's common for people to do this. Guess I need to improve on myself before I step back into dating again. Fading is a common thing even when you've actually been officially dating. I'm not trying to scare you, just give you a heads up. And, that's why it's important to be in the "receptive" mode for a while in a new dating scenario. You let them come to you first, initiate everything for a little while and observe whether they are being consistent with communication and seeing you. That way you can "notice" the fading as it begins. If you are initiating too early and/or often, it's gets mixed up. You can't see the line when the fading starts to happen. And, if you've been initiating some and it seems like things are starting to fade anyway, you sit back again and observe whether they are coming to you. You give the reins back to them, so to speak. Because this could happen even farther down the road in a dating scenario. Going back to and staying in the receptive mode allows you to monitor the "temperature" of the relationship when things are "off". You'll do fine if you get clear in your head about what your dating goals are for yourself and making sure a new partner is on that same page to start with. Then you observe whether they are dating you that way. If you are both wanting a relationship for yourselves, you observe whether the man dates you properly. Consistent communication and setting up dates. A guy could tell you that he wants a relationship for himself when all he really wants is casual sex. The only way to confirm that he means what he says is to observe how he dates you. Don't become intimate (unless you really want to, of course) until it's at least a little clearer to you what his intentions are. And, let's say you do become intimate before any discussion about exclusivity, etc. happens, you should assume it's a one-night stand, but observe whether he calls you the next day, maybe two days later but remains consistent from that point on, then you address the subject of exclusivity if he doesn't do it at some point soon. Dating is a process. Manage your emotions and expectations for a long time into a new scenario. Enjoy and be in the moment without reflecting too much about past negative experiences and be objective but watch for signs of things that indicate he can't or doesn't meet your needs in the early stages. Focus on you and your needs and whether he is meeting them.
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 He is just a guy of many....stick with keeping your options open. He's married to his work, so why would you ever want to try and have a relationship who is like that?? Like things are going to change?? doubt it and you are just fooling yourself. Move on. Tip: never put your life on hold for anyone that can't invest their time in you. 2
Zippy2000 Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Of course he is keeping his options open, and why shouldn't he? I think you`re missing the point. If he`s keeping his options open then you arent the one. 1
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