Im in a situation I've never been in before.

[WhiskeyJack]

Alright so I'm not technically in a "relationship" with a MM, but I'm interested in one and as far as I can tell he's interested in me as well.

 

It all started when I started my new job over a month ago. He was the only person that caught my eye, it was an instant attraction for me. Ever since that first day things between us have escalated. At first is was just banter when he had to get a project I was working on, next was alot of eye contact, then talking numerous times a day, then on to him going out of his way to talk to me if he wasn't able to easily talk to me, then us walking to break together, to sitting next to each other at break, going out every morning on break for coffee, and now we just talk all the time and he'll find ways to make non-sexual physical contact with me. Like grabbing my hand or touching my arm etc.

 

Ive known he's been married since the first week I've been there. I have made no advances on him and all the advances that happened have been initiated by him. We have talked about his wife and, surprise surprise, he's unhappy. He'll complain about her jealousy, accusations, and how he isn't able to hang out with friends. I never bad mouth her, as I've only met her once and don't know her character, but I do offer unbiased advice whenever possible. Ive heard from other coworkers that hes been unhappy in his marriage since before I started working there.

 

Nothing has physically happened between us nor has any "I like you" happened. I offered my cell number once and he said "I would love it, but she would freak out and I can't do that to her or you". He constantly tells me he wants to leave her and that hes unhappy. But he has a young child, and another on the way (this one was unplanned). He grew up in a broken home and doesnt want that for his children.

 

And I realized I'm rambling now. I just dont know what to do. Hes talked to her about being unhappy and his family members. I want to think he's on the verge of leaving, but I dont know for sure and I'm afraid I'm wasting my time by waiting around to see.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some helpful words of wisdom. Or really anything else

[Satu]

Test drive a happy man before you go for an unhappy one.

[Dela]

Alright so I'm not technically in a "relationship" with a MM, but I'm interested in one and as far as I can tell he's interested in me as well.

 

It all started when I started my new job over a month ago. He was the only person that caught my eye, it was an instant attraction for me. Ever since that first day things between us have escalated. At first is was just banter when he had to get a project I was working on, next was alot of eye contact, then talking numerous times a day, then on to him going out of his way to talk to me if he wasn't able to easily talk to me, then us walking to break together, to sitting next to each other at break, going out every morning on break for coffee, and now we just talk all the time and he'll find ways to make non-sexual physical contact with me. Like grabbing my hand or touching my arm etc.

 

Ive known he's been married since the first week I've been there. I have made no advances on him and all the advances that happened have been initiated by him. We have talked about his wife and, surprise surprise, he's unhappy. He'll complain about her jealousy, accusations, and how he isn't able to hang out with friends. I never bad mouth her, as I've only met her once and don't know her character, but I do offer unbiased advice whenever possible. Ive heard from other coworkers that hes been unhappy in his marriage since before I started working there.

 

Nothing has physically happened between us nor has any "I like you" happened. I offered my cell number once and he said "I would love it, but she would freak out and I can't do that to her or you". He constantly tells me he wants to leave her and that hes unhappy. But he has a young child, and another on the way (this one was unplanned). He grew up in a broken home and doesnt want that for his children.

 

And I realized I'm rambling now. I just dont know what to do. Hes talked to her about being unhappy and his family members. I want to think he's on the verge of leaving, but I dont know for sure and I'm afraid I'm wasting my time by waiting around to see.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some helpful words of wisdom. Or really anything else

 

 

if he s unhappy, wait until he diorces. they all say they are unhappy. don t start any relationship until he s single it s my advice. it s an emotionally sucking, making u crazy and waiting and frustrating kind of relationship.

[RightThere]

This relationship as it stands has nowhere to go but bad.

 

He won't leave his wife, but he won't stop connecting emotionally with you. Both will continue to escalate (he'll be unhappier with his wife and more attracted to you).

 

As difficult as it is, you need to set boundaries with him as it appears he won't.

[sandylee1]

He's not that unhappy if she's pregnant and if he wants to leave, he would have taken care of birth control to endure no more kids came along. That's just more CS to pay if they divorce. Why would he subject himself to another 18 years of unhappiness. If he didn't think of that and he's truly unhappy he's not that smart.

 

Has his wife told you she's unhappy?

You said you've met her.

 

This guy is just a whiner, telling everyone he's unhappy in the marriage. Trying to get sympathy and reel in an affair partner to make his marriage bearable........what a load of crap. Don't fall for any of it.

 

My advice is to maintain appropriate boundaries around married men. Don't be used to fill a gap for anyone's crappy marriage ..

[Quiet Storm]

Think about it- there is a reason for his wife's accusations and behavior. He's cheated before, and you are just his new target because you are the new girl at work. He's not a good guy, can't be trusted and his wife knows it. Don't fall for his bll****.

[WhiskeyJack]

if he s unhappy, wait until he diorces. they all say they are unhappy. don t start any relationship until he s single it s my advice. it s an emotionally sucking, making u crazy and waiting and frustrating kind of relationship.

 

This is basically what I was thinking/what my plan was. Im incapable, I think, of being someone to wreck a marriage. And as far as I can see he is not capable of physically cheating.

 

Thank you!

[WhiskeyJack]

Think about it- there is a reason for his wife's accusations and behavior. He's cheated before, and you are just his new target because you are the new girl at work. He's not a good guy, can't be trusted and his wife knows it. Don't fall for his bll****.

 

I have only know this guy for over a month now so technically you could be completely right. But from what I have witnessed I dont particularly believe it. Like I said in the original post I offered him my number, he instantly refused it and has made no physical advances towards me.

 

Thank you for your response though. Gives me something to contemplate.

 

This relationship as it stands has nowhere to go but bad.

 

He won't leave his wife, but he won't stop connecting emotionally with you. Both will continue to escalate (he'll be unhappier with his wife and more attracted to you).

 

As difficult as it is, you need to set boundaries with him as it appears he won't.

 

As much as I don't want to believe you, your probably completely right. I will be setting some boundaries for my own sake starting today.

 

Thank you!

[WhiskeyJack]

He's not that unhappy if she's pregnant and if he wants to leave, he would have taken care of birth control to endure no more kids came along. That's just more CS to pay if they divorce. Why would he subject himself to another 18 years of unhappiness. If he didn't think of that and he's truly unhappy he's not that smart.

 

Has his wife told you she's unhappy?

You said you've met her.

 

This guy is just a whiner, telling everyone he's unhappy in the marriage. Trying to get sympathy and reel in an affair partner to make his marriage bearableq........what a load of crap. Don't fall for any of it.

 

My advice is to maintain appropriate boundaries around married men. Don't be used to fill a gap for anyone's crappy marriage ..

 

I'm not going to touch on the pregnancy thing cause **** happens.

 

Like I said I met his wife once, at a company gathering, I tried to talk to him about work and she just glared at me the entire time and they left shortly after. I had been at the company for a week at the time. I have no idea if she is unhappy with the relationship, but she sure wasn't happy that day.

 

I do disagree with your whiner statement. It is entirely possible to be genuinely unhappy in a relationship and want to tell people you work with 5-6 days a week. It's not like he's gone and told everyone he's unhappy. Just the people he has a close relationship at work.

 

And like I said in a previous comment, he hasn't tried to me in as an affair partner. I offered my number and he flat out refused. We have no contact outside of work.

 

I will be setting better boundaries though, with him and in the future so I don't get into a situation like this again.

 

Thanks for your response!

[RainDown]

This is exactly how affairs start, dear. He is unhappy because some of his needs are not being met in his marriage and you are currently taking up the slack by meeting his needs for friendship, admiration, conversation, bantering (you know...the fun stuff). Then the fun stuff leads to even more fun stuff, more connection, more bonding, and the next thing you know you're in a full-blown affair. Actually you're in an emotional affair now, whether you realize it or not. You're meeting the emotional needs his wife is currently not. The most alarming thing to me in your whole post is that you've only known this man a month and you're already wondering if he'll leave his wife or not. That's pretty intense. And no, he won't. Not with an existing child and another on the way. His wife has other priorities - you know, RAISING one of his children and in the process of bringing forth another. This is a ripe time for men to seek attention elsewhere while wife is getting down to the business of raising a family.

 

I don't know what you see in him, frankly. He's a man-child and objectively speaking, that should not be at all attractive to a grown woman who is thinking straight.

[WhiskeyJack]

This is exactly how affairs start, dear. He is unhappy because some of his needs are not being met in his marriage and you are currently taking up the slack by meeting his needs for friendship, admiration, conversation, bantering (you know...the fun stuff). Then the fun stuff leads to even more fun stuff, more connection, more bonding, and the next thing you know you're in a full-blown affair. Actually you're in an emotional affair now, whether you realize it or not. You're meeting the emotional needs his wife is currently not. The most alarming thing to me in your whole post is that you've only known this man a month and you're already wondering if he'll leave his wife or not. That's pretty intense. And no, he won't. Not with an existing child and another on the way. His wife has other priorities - you know, RAISING one of his children and in the process of bringing forth another. This is a ripe time for men to seek attention elsewhere while wife is getting down to the business of raising a family.

 

I don't know what you see in him, frankly. He's a man-child and objectively speaking, that should not be at all attractive to a grown woman who is thinking straight.

 

I came in here asking this question so I could hear exactly what you said. I knew in my heart what you said is correct, just needed to see someone else to say it. And while I completely respect your response, I want to discuss some things cause well I'm human.

 

The thing that stood out the most was the idea that I was asking if he would leave his wife. I want to kind of make it clear I didnt mean to insinuate that he would leave his wife for me, I dont actually think I even asked that in my post. Im not a moron, that is a completely idiotic thing to expect after only a month of knowing someone. Based off the chats we've had he has stated numerous times that he wants out but his kids are keeping him there. I have even said to him that he will end up staying with her because "its easier". I told him they should get counselling to try and work on their marriage. I have not and will not ever say "you should leave your wife".

 

Yes I realize his wife is raising his kids. And that is her priority. I never once put down the wife, or inferred anything about her character because I do not not her at all. I only know what he has told me, but I am also smart enough to know that there are 2 sides to every story.

 

I see a funny, hardworking man that I have alot in common with. Although you are correct, the aspect that he is willing to talk to me about things like this have made me lose respect for him.

 

Thank you again for pointing out what I needed to hear exactly. I appreciate it

[HappyAgain2014]

Couple of things....

 

I wouldn't recommend discussing a man's marriage with your coworkers. You're new. Being known as someone potentially open to an affair will affect perceptions of you. In affairs in the workplace, women wre typically the ones who have to leave. Even if they don't, you'll be judged much more harshly. It's not fair but it's reality.

 

As for your married coworker ... You need to tell him not to discuss his wife with you. It's a poor boundary to cross. Worst case it leads to an affair but even if it doesn't, it's disrespectful to his wife.

 

Right now, he's managing your expectations. Not taking your number doesn't mean anything. If you ended up in an affair, he'd remind you that he can't have contact with you. He'd tell you that you knew that before.

 

Regardless of knowing him for a month, the time doesn't matter. He won't leave his wife. He's just looking for a sidepiece.

[minimariah]

But he has a young child, and another on the way (this one was unplanned).

 

ughhhhhh, this is... not good.

 

really not good. things would be different if he had older children but a young kid + a pregnant W...?

 

=\

 

not sure what to tell you. this seriously does not look good... at all. everything so far seems like a typical textbook MM crap, to be honest -- everything he has said.

 

i would move on and not do anything if i were you. and of course -- you work together... getting involved with him would be a seriously bad idea ESPECIALLY when his W is pregnant (not sure about you but that would be a seriously huge dealbreaker to me).

Edited July 16, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

Based off the chats we've had he has stated numerous times that he wants out but his kids are keeping him there.

 

kids he continues to make -- keep that in mind.

 

sure, the kid was "unplanned" -- but if a man doesn't want one, he will make sure nothing "unplanned" happens = abstinence is the best contraception, right?

 

i knew a man who was "trapped" in his M by his kid (as ugly as it sounds) & he made an exit plan, stuck with it. no unplanned pregnancies, no surprises. that's how a man who wants out looks like. this dude... i mean, his W is pregnant. that's just irresponsible as hell.

[minimariah]

It's not like he's gone and told everyone he's unhappy. Just the people he has a close relationship at work.

 

he told you & he knows you for about a month. don't know about you but there is no way in hell i'm telling my personal business and issues to someone i've just met.

 

trust me -- oversharing of this kind is a red flag.

 

some people talk, others DO.

[Eighty_nine]

Please, stop right here. You're at a fork in the road- I promise, pinky swear, that continuing down this road of flirtation will lead to an affair which will lead to nothing but pain and confusion for everyone. Consider yourself lucky that nothing's happened yet and back way off. for no ones sake but your own!

[beach]

Think about YOUR needs. Make decisions in your best interest.

 

Like... How do you expect to find an available man to date IF you're so close to an unavailable one? It's nearly impossible.

 

Make room for an available man - by creating distance with the one who is already taken.

 

 

 

He's unhappy... It's not up to anyone else to provide him happiness! Since he isn't happy it's not YOUR job to fill the void that is within him.

 

He will get happy when he decides he has a good life - or not! He may live forever "thinking" he's unhappy. Or he just may be one of those special guys that will always seek out many women for the attention he needs. Pray for his wife. It must suck to be her.

[minimariah]

I want to think he's on the verge of leaving, but I dont know for sure and I'm afraid I'm wasting my time by waiting around to see.

 

i don't think he'll leave soon -- his W will need help in the first year after birth, he'll probably feel too guilty to leave a newborn & he probably doesn't want to miss the 1st year... so count on him staying at least until the kid's 1st birthday. when the kid actually arrives and when you're faced with the obligations -- EVERYTHING changes.

 

question -- what makes this man special to you? out of other men in the past you have been in love with and attracted to? did you feel or bond with this man in a way you never did before?

[OldRover]

Whiskey,

 

First, I don't see much wrong with this guy, but perhaps he's a bit too friendly, but we really don't know if his intentions are bad.

 

Second, with you a month is nothing. You're already developing feelings and if you don't want to pursue them (which he may not be interested in anyway), you just need to put some distance between you and be done with it. A month is just easy to stop now.

[Satu]

he told you & he knows you for about a month. don't know about you but there is no way in hell i'm telling my personal business and issues to someone i've just met.

 

trust me -- *oversharing of this kind is a red flag.

 

some people talk, others DO.

 

*Dysfunctional or missing boundaries.

[sandylee1]

I'm not going to touch on the pregnancy thing cause **** happens.

 

Like I said I met his wife once, at a company gathering, I tried to talk to him about work and she just glared at me the entire time and they left shortly after. I had been at the company for a week at the time. I have no idea if she is unhappy with the relationship, but she sure wasn't happy that day.

 

I do disagree with your whiner statement. It is entirely possible to be genuinely unhappy in a relationship and want to tell people you work with 5-6 days a week. It's not like he's gone and told everyone he's unhappy. Just the people he has a close relationship at work.

 

And like I said in a previous comment, he hasn't tried to me in as an affair partner. I offered my number and he flat out refused. We have no contact outside of work.

 

I will be setting better boundaries though, with him and in the future so I don't get into a situation like this again.

 

Thanks for your response!

 

Early on in my marriage I don't mind admitting that I wasn't happy with the marriage and I made a concious decision not to have any more children because I didn't know if we'd make it. Why would you tie yourself to someone longer than necessary.........I understand accidents happen , but telling a new female coworker he's not happily married is him setting the scene.

 

I've worked for many years and I recall one male coworker tell me about his unhappy marriage, but that's only because I saw him crying when he thought nobody was around. I was also married and had recently attended his wedding.

 

About the glare from his wife. .......her spidy senses were kicking in. She knew something was potentially brewing , unless she's always miserable.

 

How do you know who else he's told that he's unhappy? They may not all discuss it with others. I never told anyone else what my coworker told me.

 

Anyway, I think you've got the drift about him and good luck in meeting an available guy. Affairs are nasty. Just read around and you'll get a sense of how the betrayed spouse feels. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be a part of the pain that a wife and children suffer as a result.☺

[Poppy47]

I have only know this guy for over a month now so technically you could be completely right. But from what I have witnessed I dont particularly believe it. Like I said in the original post I offered him my number, he instantly refused it and has made no physical advances towards me.

 

Thank you for your response though. Gives me something to contemplate.

 

 

 

As much as I don't want to believe you, your probably completely right. I will be setting some boundaries for my own sake starting today.

 

Thank you!

He will.... give him time.

Poppy

[Cloudcuckoo]

Think about it- there is a reason for his wife's accusations and behavior. He's cheated before, and you are just his new target because you are the new girl at work. He's not a good guy, can't be trusted and his wife knows it. Don't fall for his bll****.

 

Storm, I was thinking exactly this. The man sounds practiced. Saying his wife is jealous and restricting his movements is in my opinion a good indication that he's done this before. Makes my skin crawl actually....

 

OP, if you swallow the potion this man is offering you, it will poison you forever. Steer clear. Let hiim know you will not be his next conquest!

[Arieswoman]

WhiskeyJack,

Whooooooahhhh! - Before you go any further please read this from "Baggage Reclaim" and ask yourself if this is what you really want ?

 

?There?s no such thing as an honest cheat? and other thoughts on cheating | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[RainDown]

I came in here asking this question so I could hear exactly what you said. I knew in my heart what you said is correct, just needed to see someone else to say it. And while I completely respect your response, I want to discuss some things cause well I'm human.

 

The thing that stood out the most was the idea that I was asking if he would leave his wife. I want to kind of make it clear I didnt mean to insinuate that he would leave his wife for me, I dont actually think I even asked that in my post. Im not a moron, that is a completely idiotic thing to expect after only a month of knowing someone. Based off the chats we've had he has stated numerous times that he wants out but his kids are keeping him there. I have even said to him that he will end up staying with her because "its easier". I told him they should get counselling to try and work on their marriage. I have not and will not ever say "you should leave your wife".

 

Yes I realize his wife is raising his kids. And that is her priority. I never once put down the wife, or inferred anything about her character because I do not not her at all. I only know what he has told me, but I am also smart enough to know that there are 2 sides to every story.

 

I see a funny, hardworking man that I have alot in common with. Although you are correct, the aspect that he is willing to talk to me about things like this have made me lose respect for him.

 

Thank you again for pointing out what I needed to hear exactly. I appreciate it

 

I'm sorry. I did not mean to offend you. I was responding to your words:

"I want to think he's on the verge of leaving, but I dont know for sure and I'm afraid I'm wasting my time by waiting around to see."

 

Perhaps I misunderstood? That is the statement in your post I was responding to when I said I found it alarming that after only a month you are already wondering if he will leave his wife. That is a really odd thing to be thinking about a co-worker you have only known for a month and it tells me how far down this rabbit trail you already are.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I misunderstood or offended you.