Lovelorn00 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Shout out to all the folks with anxious/preoccupied attachment styles. Has it completely ruined your dating life as it has mine? How are you coping and/or improving?
empresario Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Haha, I'm guessing you read the book, then? Yeah, I am an anxious type. No shame. EDIT: Oh, and I cope by knowing what I am. In self-help it's always about knowledge and conscious decision making. There is never a magic bullet. 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Haha, I'm guessing you read the book, then? Yeah, I am an anxious type. No shame. EDIT: Oh, and I cope by knowing what I am. In self-help it's always about knowledge and conscious decision making. There is never a magic bullet. Thanks, empresario. As you can see, my mind has been blown ever since you explained attachment styles to me. I haven't completed the book yet, but the theory describes my relationship issues to a tee. On the one hand, it’s good to know what the issue is, because now I can start the rather overwhelming process of working on it. On the other hand, I feel a little doomed, since I’m always going to be attracted to the wrong type of person, according to the theory. I’ve been working on these issues for many years in one way or another, but I’ve never approached it from the “attachment styles” perspective, simply because I never knew about it (and neither did the 3 therapists I’ve seen, apparently). It’s good to know that I am not alone, though, and I’m hoping to find some hope out of all of this. I'd love to get to a place where I could come back and contribute something to this forum some day, like you have.
Jejangles Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) I recently was introduced to attachment theory / read Attached and I feel like it's a life changer! My friends are sick of me talking about it. I identify as an anxious attacher in romantic dating situations, but a test put me as secure with friends and my mom (not my dad, which is likely where my anxious status comes from...) I realised the guy in a recent dating situation where all my red flag signals were going off but where I was doing a lot of rationalising away of my gut reactions was likely an avoidant. I just didn't have the language for it at the time. We were going through a no contact period when I read Attached, and the book helped me end that chapter and move on because I could see we would never work together. I am dating quite actively and feeling a lot more hopeful / optimistic because now I know why certain people set off my internal warning system. I feel I'm being a lot more "me" in dating situations and that I am also listening to myself better. It's early days, but rather than feeling hopeless about my emotions, I feel like I have a way better understanding of who I am and how I operate! I'm currently in the very early dating stages with someone who seems like a secure attacher (makes it clear he's interested, follows through on what he says, suggested talking on the phone in between dates gasp!) and I am not feeling a wild attraction but am moving slowly and just dating / giving him a chance. I'm also multi dating and planning to move very slowly on the physical side because I know once things turn sexual, I attach very quickly and find it hard to objectively see if we fit well together. All this very lengthy post to say, keep reading Attached and see that there is hope for us anxious people! I think! Edited July 16, 2015 by Jejangles Clarify a point 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 In recent years, I've come to understand that people with emotional turbulence from a troubled, abusive background create our own relationship drama, perpetuating variations of the negative patterns we grew accustomed to in our formative years in an attempt to work through them. It's like working to resolve a form of post traumatic stress. Looking back on all my relationships, it's easy to see that I attracted particular personalities to me for my own emotional development. As I've grown more emotionally balanced, I've attracted more emotionally balanced men into my life. I had a small episode with my new boyfriend last night, and I realized as it was happening that it was all of my own making, all the product of my own fears and anxieties, me recreating the pattern of being left alone and unsupported emotionally in childhood time after time. I realized that there's a false echo in my mind telling me that I'll always have to struggle on my own, I'll never really be able to rely on anybody, life is always going to be hard for me. Rationally, I was totally aware of what I was doing to myself. Now I just have to learn to calm myself down when my emotions flare up and send me drifting out on that lonely ocean of sadness. Lucky for me, my man handled the episode like a champ. He comes from a good, loving family, and has a stable, secure attachment style. He said he doesn't mind my fiery, emotional, anxious streak, because disagreements and a little bit of drama is the salt in a relationship. He encouraged me to let any negative emotions out instead of keeping them inside, because he enjoys supporting me in working through them. He said he doesn't just love me when things are good and I'm happy - he loves me when I'm sick, when I'm sad or angry, when times are hard, even if I'm taking out my anger on him or whining about emotional slights. I'm totally open and honest with him about where this occasional emotional volatility comes from, and he thanks me for trusting him and being honest, then lavishes me with love and understanding. My advice is to be mindful of the truth that your life and your emotional well-being are in your hands. I like to use the example that a perfectly zen, mature, balanced person would react to their house blowing up with calm decisiveness. The only thing we can really control is how we feel, how we react to and think about the things that happen, the people we share our time and energy with. I've been honest with my man about the echoes of emotional explosions from my childhood, and told him I'm aware of my drama and I keep getting better at managing it. And lucky for me, he understands. 7
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 I recently was introduced to attachment theory / read Attached and I feel like it's a life changer! My friends are sick of me talking about it. I identify as an anxious attacher in romantic dating situations, but a test put me as secure with friends and my mom (not my dad, which is likely where my anxious status comes from...) I realised the guy in a recent dating situation where all my red flag signals were going off but where I was doing a lot of rationalising away of my gut reactions was likely an avoidant. I just didn't have the language for it at the time. We were going through a no contact period when I read Attached, and the book helped me end that chapter and move on because I could see we would never work together. I am dating quite actively and feeling a lot more hopeful / optimistic because now I know why certain people set off my internal warning system. I feel I'm being a lot more "me" in dating situations and that I am also listening to myself better. It's early days, but rather than feeling hopeless about my emotions, I feel like I have a way better understanding of who I am and how I operate! I'm currently in the very early dating stages with someone who seems like a secure attacher (makes it clear he's interested, follows through on what he says, suggested talking on the phone in between dates gasp!) and I am not feeling a wild attraction but am moving slowly and just dating / giving him a chance. I'm also multi dating and planning to move very slowly on the physical side because I know once things turn sexual, I attach very quickly and find it hard to objectively see if we fit well together. All this very lengthy post to say, keep reading Attached and see that there is hope for us anxious people! I think! Wowzers, Jejangles - you and I sound like the EXACT same person. Haha! Oh, gosh - I almost wanna cry, because it feels so comforting to know what's going on with me and to know other people are dealing with the EXACT same thing. Like you, my friends are getting sick of me going on and on about attachment styles. They'd love to see me in a healthy relationship, but at this point, I've presented every theory known to man about why I'm still single... except for this one. This one, though, feels like a giant light bulb moment, for sure. Again, like you, I have a feeling my anxious attachment style started with dad running off at the age of 3, and my mother's emotional state during that time probably bled over into her parenting style quite a bit. I'm still learning how to recognize my own warning system, and I'm sure finishing the book will help with that. I'm also in the early stages of dating someone, but I'm having great difficulty determining what he is. He displays characteristics of both an avoidant and a secure, but I'm not sure what that means. The fact that I am indeed "wildly" attracted to him makes me think that he might not be the right person for me, and I'm finding that my anxiety is skyrocketing whenever I think about our relationship. I'm not sure if that's a legit red flag or if I'm just crazy. So, like you, I've put myself back out there, and I've begun actively dating other people. Sometimes it's a little exhausting, but it's pretty damn awesome that I'm now equipped with this new information. Just another tool in my dating arsenal that will, hopefully, get me closer to finding a long, healthy relationship! 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 Lucky for me, my man handled the episode like a champ. He comes from a good, loving family, and has a stable, secure attachment style. He said he doesn't mind my fiery, emotional, anxious streak, because disagreements and a little bit of drama is the salt in a relationship. He encouraged me to let any negative emotions out instead of keeping them inside, because he enjoys supporting me in working through them. He said he doesn't just love me when things are good and I'm happy - he loves me when I'm sick, when I'm sad or angry, when times are hard, even if I'm taking out my anger on him or whining about emotional slights. Ruby Slippers: Iit sounds like you are in my dream relationship. Haha! I can totally relate to the episode you had with your new boyfriend, though. That "false echo" in my mind is what sabotages almost all of my relationships. It's just so strange, because I can identify the issue, the triggers, the irrationality of all of it. But... it happens so fast in my brain - that downward spiral into Nobody Loves Me Land - that it's very difficult for the rational part of me to interject and nip it before it becomes a problem. Instead, I sink. I become anxious and weird and yes, very depressed. My close friend who works in psychological clinical research explained this "learned behavior" to me. Our brains form neural pathways after a pattern of thinking is repeated so many times. Eventually, the reaction to a certain siutation becomes almost automatic - like a reflex. I guess that's why it's so difficult to change it. It's literally necessary to rewire the brain with new thought patterns, and mindfulness is indeed the key. Your man is so very lucky to be in a relationship with someone who is so aware of her emotions and the source from which they're emanating. The fact that you're playing an active role in your emotional well-being is inspiring. Thank you for your words. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Ruby Slippers: Iit sounds like you are in my dream relationship. Haha! It's been a long time coming! My last boyfriend was the perfect trigger to set off my feelings of sadness and despondency. But looking back, I can see that our relationship presented certain challenges and tests I needed to go through. And I think it's clear the same was true for him. Our brains form neural pathways after a pattern of thinking is repeated so many times. Eventually, the reaction to a certain siutation becomes almost automatic - like a reflex. I guess that's why it's so difficult to change it. It's literally necessary to rewire the brain with new thought patterns, and mindfulness is indeed the key. This is a timely thread for me, because I was just thinking last night about what's going on and wondering how I'm going to overcome it. I think you're right that you have to build up new grooves (neural pathways) in your mind. I think the way to do that is to silence the "nobody loves me and I have to do this alone" thoughts with "I have lots of love and support in my life" thoughts. Last night, he made me promise to tell him when something is making me sad or mad, instead of letting it stew and distancing myself from him, and I did. Your man is so very lucky to be in a relationship with someone who is so aware of her emotions and the source from which they're emanating. The fact that you're playing an active role in your emotional well-being is inspiring. Thank you for your words. You're sweet We both tell each other often that we are lucky, and I think it's obvious we both feel it. 2
Jejangles Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I'm still learning how to recognize my own warning system, and I'm sure finishing the book will help with that. I'm also in the early stages of dating someone, but I'm having great difficulty determining what he is. He displays characteristics of both an avoidant and a secure, but I'm not sure what that means. The fact that I am indeed "wildly" attracted to him makes me think that he might not be the right person for me, and I'm finding that my anxiety is skyrocketing whenever I think about our relationship. I'm not sure if that's a legit red flag or if I'm just crazy. So, like you, I've put myself back out there, and I've begun actively dating other people. Sometimes it's a little exhausting, but it's pretty damn awesome that I'm now equipped with this new information. Just another tool in my dating arsenal that will, hopefully, get me closer to finding a long, healthy relationship! I just read a couple of your other threads and yep, we are definitely cut from the same anxious cloth! When I like a guy and am unsure of his feelings for me, I become an insane phone watcher. He occupies my brain 24/7. I sit and endlessly google what his words versus actions mean (which is how I found this forum over a year ago ha!) I am a fairly sane and rational person in all other areas of my life, which is why I would always wonder why I am so seemingly insane in this area. The last two guys who caused this effect in me were so clearly in hindsight not right for me, nor available. But when you're in it, and they're saying sweet things, turning you on like crazy and doing some actions that kind of suggest they like you too, well it's hard to see. And yet, when I am dating a guy who I like but am not "hot" for, I am so cool, calm and collected that I feel like an avoidant! The current guy I have had a few dates with texts me multiple times daily, makes it clear he likes me, is escalating his contact and compliments, he's basically doing everything "right". And in response I don't always read his texts right away, take a while to text back and internally debate whether I want to kiss him or not. In the past I would have cut him off even though we've had two four hour dates that went great because I didn't feel "chemistry". We'll see how it goes. If things end with the current guy, I'm just waiting for the next guy who I do feel that "chemistry" with and whether he shows avoidant signs or not... I worry I just can't feel any heat with normal, emotionally available men. It's a lot of hard self work but hopefully the pay off will be great! 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 I just read a couple of your other threads and yep, we are definitely cut from the same anxious cloth! When I like a guy and am unsure of his feelings for me, I become an insane phone watcher. He occupies my brain 24/7. I sit and endlessly google what his words versus actions mean (which is how I found this forum over a year ago ha!) I am a fairly sane and rational person in all other areas of my life, which is why I would always wonder why I am so seemingly insane in this area. Haha! Yep! That’s me, alright! Not only am I notorious for the “what did his text mean?” Googling, I also try to find out their whole freaking life story. If someone ever saw some of the crap I Google about the guys I meet, I’d be committed immediately. It’s rather creepy and sad and just goes to show how clueless I am about all of this I'm just waiting for the next guy who I do feel that "chemistry" with and whether he shows avoidant signs or not... I worry I just can't feel any heat with normal, emotionally available men. Grrrr! That’s what’s so frustrating about this whole theory. It just feels like I only have two choices. I can either date men with whom I feel no chemistry/attraction OR date men with whom I feel a crazy amount of chemistry/attraction, but get my heart broken. There doesn’t seem to be an in-between, which is really depressing. It’s like finding a beautiful, surprise cupcake in your kitchen one day, and getting really excited about it, but then you find out it’s poisonous. That just sucks. Haha 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 This is a timely thread for me, because I was just thinking last night about what's going on and wondering how I'm going to overcome it. I think you're right that you have to build up new grooves (neural pathways) in your mind. I think the way to do that is to silence the "nobody loves me and I have to do this alone" thoughts with "I have lots of love and support in my life" thoughts. Yes, and the community here is a great place to help silence those thoughts. You guys have no idea how helpful this all is! Changing our deeply-ingrained behaviors and thought patterns ain’t no joke; it takes a tremendous amount of work and dedication, but a good support system (within yourself, friends, family, internet forums, a pet) makes it a little easier. We’ll both get better at recognizing the triggers and patterns, and hopefully, we’ll squash those negative thoughts faster each time. Eventually, they won’t stand a chance. I hope.
NomiMalone Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Haha, I'm guessing you read the book, then? Hi empresario, do you mind if I ask what the title of this book is? Cheers
Jejangles Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Hi empresario, do you mind if I ask what the title of this book is? Cheers The book I read that I'm guessing is the same one is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 1
HugoMoreno Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It will ruin your attraction that's for sure As a man you're suppose to be a leader And who the hell wants an anxious leader? 2
NomiMalone Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 The book I read that I'm guessing is the same one is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 Thanks Jetjangles! Appreciated
Toodaloo Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Haha, I'm guessing you read the book, then? I missed it... What book is this???
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 My attachment style is anxious/avoidant. When I get anxious, instead of contacting a guy a lot, I go cold and distance myself. I think this is puzzling to many guys as I seem to go hot and cold for no reason. I became fascinated with neural pathway theory and have done a lot of work on myself with reprogramming negative thought patterns. I recognize when my anxiety kicks in and when my thoughts become irrational. I would constantly think things like "I am meant to be alone", "Nobody will ever love me", "My bf is probably cheating". Whenever a thought like this creeps in, I just mentally go to many times in the past I thought the same and all the evidence in my life to the contrary. Instead of reacting outwardly to those thoughts, I calm myself because I know that it will pass. I don't let any of those thoughts "take hold" anymore. It IS a lot of work but it's also the most valuable work you can do for yourself. 4
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 I missed it... What book is this??? It's called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Scien.../dp/1585429139 Mind-blowing stuff. At least, it has been for me so far. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 My attachment style is anxious/avoidant. When I get anxious, instead of contacting a guy a lot, I go cold and distance myself. I think this is puzzling to many guys as I seem to go hot and cold for no reason. I came THISCLOSE to doing that very thing to the guy I’m currently seeing until a bunch of folks here pointed out how ridiculous I was being. Haha. I believe it was PogoStick who called me out and made me realize how utterly confusing that is for guys. I like to call it the “White Flag” Syndrome, because I literally get so anxious, I freeze up, and I figure it’s easier to just bow out and give up than to make any moves that could possibly be viewed as irrational, crazy, or too needy. It IS a lot of work but it's also the most valuable work you can do for yourself. Thanks, Eternal Sunshine! Maybe I need to start keeping a journal documenting the times in my life my irrational thoughts proved to be untrue. Maybe seeing it in writing will help squash the negative thought patterns before they can wreak so much havoc.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 It will ruin your attraction that's for sure As a man you're suppose to be a leader And who the hell wants an anxious leader? Yeah, I can't imagine what it would be like to be a guy with an anxious attachment style in a society that expects men to be the opposite. That's gotta be tough, for sure.
mavendark Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Grrrr! That’s what’s so frustrating about this whole theory. It just feels like I only have two choices. I can either date men with whom I feel no chemistry/attraction OR date men with whom I feel a crazy amount of chemistry/attraction, but get my heart broken. There doesn’t seem to be an in-between, which is really depressing. It’s like finding a beautiful, surprise cupcake in your kitchen one day, and getting really excited about it, but then you find out it’s poisonous. That just sucks. Haha I just happened by this thread accidentally, but Jejangles and Lovelorn00 sounds exactly like me as well. I guess I gotta get myself that book... Honestly, I didn't even know this was a thing. I thought I exhibited signs of love addiction, but I think these two issues may overlap a bit. I'm currently in the process of ending a 3 year relationship and I've got to say, my bf (soon to be ex) sounds exactly opposite of Ruby Slipper's bf. I guess this is the biggest personal endeavor I have to work on right now. I'm wondering, were you all able to sort it out yourself or did you need therapy? Edited July 17, 2015 by mavendark 1
Jejangles Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I just happened by this thread accidentally, but Jejangles and Lovelorn00 sounds exactly like me as well. I guess I gotta get myself that book... Honestly, I didn't even know this was a thing. I'm currently in the process of ending a 3 year relationship and I've got to say, my bf (soon to be ex) sounds exactly opposite of Ruby Slipper's bf. I guess this is the biggest personal endeavor I have to work on right now. I'm wondering, were you all able to sort it out yourself or did you need therapy? Definitely read the book! If you are an anxious attacher and found yourself mismatched with your (soon to be ex) bf, there's every chance he is an avoidant. The whole idea and theory is seriously a game changer. I only read the book recently, so it's too early to say whether it was enough. I have been actively working on myself for the last 18 months since I found myself in a short term relationship that really threw me and wanted to understand why I felt and acted the way I did. I am very open to therapy and actually started looking into therapists the other day, and it's something I may pursue in the future. But I am a researcher by nature so for now I am reading every article and discussion forum online as well as self help books and I feel like I have had a huge shift. I am taking the summer to date and will be paying close attention to my feelings / patterns. If I still see cause for concern, I will be starting with a therapist in the fall. 2
mavendark Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I'm glad that I found others who are similar to me. Though I have not taken the test that you mentioned, I strongly believe that I too am securely attached to my friends and my mom but not at all to my dad, which causes problems in romantic dating. Perhaps we should all keep in touch, bounce stories off each other, share resources and form some kind of support group. I really want to delve into this deeper and read up on how I can eventually form healthy relationships. But I think that people who do not have this issue have a really hard time relating. :( They get really tired of me talking about the same problem over and over again... In the meantime, I'm off to read that book... 1
empresario Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 It will ruin your attraction that's for sure As a man you're suppose to be a leader And who the hell wants an anxious leader? Haha, I love this. I'm here to tell you this doesn't matter. I am an anxious type yet most would consider me confident/arrogant. Who you are in a relationship is not the same as who you are in general. Nor does it have to do with attraction. The whole premise of being an anxious type is admitting there's nothing wrong with it. In my case, I am ONLY anxious in relationships. In my role at work and with friendships I am nothing like that. It's not that a girl 'would not want you' because you're anxious. The whole theory is about finding someone that fits your particular attachment type instead of focusing on changing yourself. You only seem crazy because you're picking people that are terrible matches for your personality. Find the right match you will seem very normal. For example, I dated a girl for 3 years that was very adjusted and a secure type. She never made me feel strange for the way I contacted her or showing I cared in my own way. It became an after-thought...until my next relationships. The first girl was even more anxious than me. It was a punch to the face. Two anxious people competing for assurance. The second girl was avoidant. She made me feel crazy for caring. She would disappear for a night and I would later find out she went out with a guy friend. She didn't understand why this bothered me. So what did I learn? I'm not crazy. I just need a more stable lover. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I just need a more stable lover. True. My new man is a rock. Nothing rattles him. At the worst, he gets quiet for a little while. Then he comes back around explaining in detail to me how everything's going to be OK, how his love for me is like the strong foundation of a well-built house, and I'm not capable of shaking it with any amount of drama, that he in fact loves all of me, including my drama. I'm definitely going to counteract my little spells of recent drama by making it up to him all weekend. But what's even sweeter is that we "fight" over who gets to cater to the other the most - in life and in bed 2
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