Jasmineclare Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Hey so i need some advice. I've been talking to this guy for a while and we both love each other. Now here's the thing. I'm gonna fly to him (because we live a little far away from each other) and i'm going in 2 weeks! Well He's really busy working now so he can take time off when i come to visit and i told him that i really appreciate it, but he hasn't been hitting me up as much as he use to, we use to skype a lot in the beginning but now all we do is message truth facebook.I told him that it bugged me that he was so distance and that it actually takes 2 sec to answer a text. He got real mad and said that he can't answer every 2 sec, even tho that really wasn't what i asked him to do. So 2 days ago i told him that i needed to talk and that i didn't know if i should of really fly there, i told him that i WANTED to but that it just felt a little unsure. He then told me how i hurt him and how mad he was at me, i called him and talked to him. He didn't really say much but i could here that he was real **** of. He's a capricorn sign for those who ask. Anyways he got cancer and i try not to argue with him and i love and care crazy much about him. I wrote to him after he just hung up on me. Explaining myself, he read but didn't reply. Then i wrote to to him yesterday telling him that it really really hurts that he just ignores me like this. side note: - He's really jealous sometimes and think that i'm together with my ex for example. - I've gotten mad at him maybe 3 times just because of the lack of communication. - I got unsure about the trip because i payed a lot for it and i was worried that he would just shut me of the last minute. - I can't sleep, i wake up at least 5 times, dreaming that he has replied when he hasn't. - He told me that two days ago that he loves me still and i really think he still does... or i hope. - If he really hated me wouldn't he just like unfriend me and unfollow me on social media? Anyone that has been in the same situation or can help me? Do you guys think he will text me if i just give him space for a couple off days? Jasmine.
StalwartMind Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Panicking or for that matter questioning each other, while a valid concern at times, rarely (if at all) benefits your relationship. Do understand that people have different communication habits, although I completely got what you meant, and for whatever it's worth I agree. Everyone can find a moment to even just drop a quick reply such as "busy at moment, talk to you later". I can't tell you what this guy think, I do know that jealousy doesn't belong in a healthy relationship, but if communication is lacking or not as you both want, then insecurities can take over. I do understand a lot of feelings are involved, which makes one worry if this will work out as you planned. I can only speak from my own experience, but while many will tell you chemistry might be entirely different in person, which can make two people (even just distant friends) perhaps not be so great around each other in person, as they are online, this is why I prefer to have a connection with anyone where honesty is the highest priority. It doesn't matter if it's a distant relationship or not, I'd need the same. I'm not going to plant a seed of doubt in your mind, as I don't know this person, but if he actually really cares about you, he probably already know that, giving you a reply means a lot to you. Again people are different, I prefer giving people a reply as soon as possible which is typically no more than 24 hours later from when I received it. There really are no rules with this, but when it is about someone you love, it would be my top priority to show that person I care. Try not to let your thoughts be ruled too much about what if, it's a spiral that just leaves to restlessness. Clearly you are an emotional person and you both are perhaps also quite sensitive. Nothing wrong with that, but take it from someone who is very relaxed and assertive, try to compose yourself, this will reflect better to anyone you speak to. I understand you want this to be good, but whenever we start assuming things, especially the worst of others, we can end up ruining things, that weren't broken in the first place. This is why it's good to always try to remain calm, even in moments where one feel despair. Hopefully he'll write you something good soon to calm your nerves, if he is the man you believe him to be, then I'm sure he'll do exactly that.
Rewan Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I agree that questioning each other is not healthy.. It often leads to hurt feelings, and it means that there is no trust in the relationship. I'm also a little bit curious as to how long you both have been contacting each other before admitting your love for each other. Perhaps it is best to ensure that your relationship is not progressing too quickly..no offense. :S As for the main part of it, however, I feel as though it was a bit of a misunderstanding. On one hand, you have your feelings for him and your need for contact, which I am not saying is necessarily negative. But on the other hand, it's his effort to work which will make your time together possible. Although I am unsure of what kind of work that he does, I at least know that when I'm at work, I am unable to talk at all- not necessarily because I'll get in trouble but more so because I am on the go a bit. Perhaps it is the same with his case, and if it is, it would be a bit unfair to center on it if he is doing this for you. I don't mean to be harsh, but sometimes, we can over-react because we only see our side of the picture.. :S At the same time, his jealousy of your ex and suspicion does suggest a lack of trust in you. And seeing as long distance relationships are already quite strained because communication is more important in them, that suspicion may lead to hurt and complications later in the relationship.. Bottom line, if this is going to work, he has to trust you. But it works both ways, unfortunately, because you talking about how you think it might be a mistake to come on the trip suggests that you are doubting him, which is also not trusting.. If he tells you that he wants to see you (and more importantly that he loves you), then you have to accept it as truth if this is going to work.. I'm not trying to sound mean, but I'm sure it doesn't feel very nice when he thinks you're doing things with your ex, right? Imagine how it must feel for him then if you doubt his love and commitment.. :S I'm really sorry if this is overly harsh, but I feel as though there is a lot of mistrust that needs to be resolved before an expensive trip would be healthy for either of you. For that, I recommend that you have a long, serious talk where you both agree that anything said in it is not intended to offend either.. And I suggest that you use that as a basis of establishing why you both feel such feelings of mistrust and try to resolve them. If it's past hurt from your ex's, then I feel as though you both (separately) will need to resolve why you are carrying that weight around with you into your future relationships..and what you may do to change that. Regardless of the outcome, please remember that every morning you have the choice of being the person you were yesterday or being someone new. And while it may take more effort to be someone new, it may make you happier in the long run. I hope this wasn't too harsh, and I hope that things work out. Whatever you do, please be careful.
justwhoiam Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Hi Jasmine, Welcome to the LS LDR forum. Anyways he got cancer and i try not to argue with him This hit me. You said it en passant, as if you didn't really think much of it. If YOU had cancer, it'd probably be on your mind 24/7. The younger, the worse. You know that, don't you? I don't know how old this man is. My aunt was 50 when diagnosed with cancer, she made it till the age of 60. 10 years of agony. Also, this might have worsened his paranoid feelings. I know a woman in her late 30s who's just been diagnosed with cancer, and she started not to trust anyone. She's seeing a psychologist for that. It started with mistrust because she had the feeling people were hiding her real situation from her (doctors, family members, neighbors). She gets also harsh (in an acid way), she has outbursts (cry). It's awful. But her situation is serious, I guess her health can only deteriorate, not improve. Regardless of how serious the situation is for him at the moment, it's his perception of it that counts. And since you mentioned "cancer", I'm screening out a benign tumor. So I assume for him it must be a huge thing (regardless of cancer size). If he really hated me wouldn't he just like unfriend me and unfollow me on social media? Before getting to hate, there's a whole range of feelings inbetween. Let him contact you. Don't pester him. Don't expect replies right away. Treat the FB messages as if they were e-mail messages. Don't be impatient.
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