If you stayed married after BS had an A

[NewLeaf512]

I said that I was happy. I have been happy for several years now.

 

Was I happy when I was served a ***** sandwich on D-day and forced to eat it? No way. For three years I had to deal with anger issues and all of the PTSD that comes with being a BS. I went on ADs just to quell the underlying rage that was ever present. I spent three years off/on again going to IC and MC. Like I said, it was brutal for awhile.

 

I'm Sorry you had a terrible time and glad things are better now.

[RightThere]

Married 7 years, together for 10 years. Affairs occurred for probably 5 of the 10 years.

 

2 years post D-Day. My best guess is 1 year post false reconciliation.

 

3 months ago I decided enough was enough and we are getting divorced. My STBXW was only half in to reconciliation, so I finally pulled the plug.

 

I was never truly happy during reconciliation. I really just kept giving our marriage a timeline (I'll see how I feel in 2 months, I'll see how I feel in 3 months). Part of my problem was my STBXW never put in all the work she needed to in order to repair the M. And she'll never admit that, but eventually I just knew I was at her effort limit and it wasn't good enough for me anymore.

 

Reconciliation was soo difficult not only for the obvious reasons, but because you are stuck on an island while you try to work things out. Friends and family don't want to support you for staying with a cheater. The WS is made to feel like a sub-human and some choose to fight it.

 

I don't regret reconciliation at all though. And I would have continued it if my STBXW was fully bought in. And I know I could have been happy.

[Sastrugi]

Newleaf,

I am not ready to discuss in depth. I am still working through this issue.

But to answer your question in a helpful way, I am a BS then a WS. My SO and I spent about 4 years loving and hurting each other terribly. After my last affair we called a truce. We rugswept our affairs, I guess we figured everyone was even, we decided to have a fresh start to our relationship. We married. I thought we were relatively happy.

 

 

25 years later i had a huge trigger that made me question my marriage. I am at an age i could start over and thought about doing just that.

As of now, I am not happy, but doing much better since my trigger.. Wife was shocked i wanted to leave after 25 years. Took her totally by surprise.

 

25 years ago i would never have considered IC or MC.

After i triggered, I thought IC/MC would be a good way to work out an exit strategy. Started with IC then moved to MC . I got lucky, found a damn good councilor.

 

I am growing a lot right now there is hope. My wife really wants us to work.

 

We had many good times while married, and being a full time dad is immensely important to me, so that is a plus.

 

ladydesigner, glad to know I am in good company.

[katielee]

Katielee what is the reason you are moderately happy

 

He had 2 affairs after mine so I'm also healing as a BS. I was also sexually assaulted and that had been hard for both of us to recover from.

[William]

I'll append my prior overview of the thread because, whoa, I missed the revenge affair by BS part totally. Hence, we're looking for, ahem, wayward spouses who stayed with their betrayed spouses after the betrayed spouses became wayward spouses. Or something like that. I hope. In any event, no pot shots. Sorry for the misunderstanding and interruption. Carry on!

[Susmay]

If you and your BS stayed married after one of you had an A, how many years post A are you?

 

 

(and are you happy?)

 

 

You seem to be asking about at least one having an A but possibly the BS too.

 

 

We are 14 years past the A commencing and 7 years post D-day. At D-day the A had whittled away to not very much going on, but appeared to be about to be re-kindled due to the OW becoming a widow. I say "appeared to be" because there was actually another MM in the picture and the OW played my WH and this other MM off against each other. This is just brief background.

 

 

To answer about happiness that is somewhat subjective. My fWH is happy and content. For him "infidelity" is something he never wants to "visit" again, not because he didn't enjoy the sex, but because the aftermath was very, very traumatic for him and his and our family (me too). His excuse was always "not enough sex at home" to be blunt, and that doesn't apply now. When our twins were born premature, I had a serious problem that meant I almost died and the 3 of us were in frail health for a long while afterwards. Basically our sex life took a back seat. Now my H and I are both retired, well off and lead the life we want, which includes a sex life. Our kids are adults and good now. I am certain he is happy.

 

 

On the other hand, I am not as happy as I could be, and attribute this (rightly or wrongly) to his infidelity. I am not angry, sad or depressed, but I do often wonder how we would be if he hadn't been unfaithful. I am not deeply unhappy and have a good time in my life, but if I'd have been given a choice I would have skipped the bit about having a cheating husband.

 

 

I think you are an OW who had just come out of an A with a MM after a D-day, so I get the impression that these and similar questions you've been asking are aimed at gauging the chances of success of their marriage or reconciliation. You have also stated you don't want him back at all. I would advise you to focus on healing yourself, as their marriage is no concern of yours and the "statistics" and experiences of people here on LS cannot predict what will happen to them.

 

 

I guess it's understandable if you're interested because you are hoping to get back with him, but if you're not I'm sure you don't want to look as though you're hovering nearby waiting for their marriage to fail.

[Susmay]

I'll append my prior overview of the thread because, whoa, I missed the revenge affair by BS part totally. Hence, we're looking for, ahem, wayward spouses who stayed with their betrayed spouses after the betrayed spouses became wayward spouses. Or something like that. I hope. In any event, no pot shots. Sorry for the misunderstanding and interruption. Carry on!

 

 

Sorry I posted before I read this. I wasn't sure what was being asked in the OP. I didn't have an A too while married.

[William]

Sorry I posted before I read this. I wasn't sure what was being asked in the OP. I didn't have an A too while married.

Hello. Yes I was confused as well! In any event, it appears feedback from a wayward spouse of some sort is being requested, whether that be strictly wayward, or a betrayed who became a wayward.

 

However, after your post I reviewed the thread starter's other threads and find this thread to be inappropriate to our Infidelity forum, as the starter apparently identifies as an OW (widow) and is asking a general question, so I'll move this to GRD and request that such similar threads be located there, per our published policies, easily found at the top of the Infidelity and OM/OW forums.

 

Thanks!

[NewLeaf512]

Newleaf,

I am not ready to discuss in depth. I am still working through this issue.

But to answer your question in a helpful way, I am a BS then a WS. My SO and I spent about 4 years loving and hurting each other terribly. After my last affair we called a truce. We rugswept our affairs, I guess we figured everyone was even, we decided to have a fresh start to our relationship. We married. I thought we were relatively happy.

 

 

25 years later i had a huge trigger that made me question my marriage. I am at an age i could start over and thought about doing just that.

As of now, I am not happy, but doing much better since my trigger.. Wife was shocked i wanted to leave after 25 years. Took her totally by surprise.

 

25 years ago i would never have considered IC or MC.

After i triggered, I thought IC/MC would be a good way to work out an exit strategy. Started with IC then moved to MC . I got lucky, found a damn good councilor.

 

I am growing a lot right now there is hope. My wife really wants us to work.

 

We had many good times while married, and being a full time dad is immensely important to me, so that is a plus.

 

ladydesigner, glad to know I am in good company.

 

It sounds like you are committed to raising self awareness. I hope it all works out in the way you want . Thank you

[NewLeaf512]

You seem to be asking about at least one having an A but possibly the BS too.

 

 

We are 14 years past the A commencing and 7 years post D-day. At D-day the A had whittled away to not very much going on, but appeared to be about to be re-kindled due to the OW becoming a widow. I say "appeared to be" because there was actually another MM in the picture and the OW played my WH and this other MM off against each other. This is just brief background.

 

 

To answer about happiness that is somewhat subjective. My fWH is happy and content. For him "infidelity" is something he never wants to "visit" again, not because he didn't enjoy the sex, but because the aftermath was very, very traumatic for him and his and our family (me too). His excuse was always "not enough sex at home" to be blunt, and that doesn't apply now. When our twins were born premature, I had a serious problem that meant I almost died and the 3 of us were in frail health for a long while afterwards. Basically our sex life took a back seat. Now my H and I are both retired, well off and lead the life we want, which includes a sex life. Our kids are adults and good now. I am certain he is happy.

 

 

On the other hand, I am not as happy as I could be, and attribute this (rightly or wrongly) to his infidelity. I am not angry, sad or depressed, but I do often wonder how we would be if he hadn't been unfaithful. I am not deeply unhappy and have a good time in my life, but if I'd have been given a choice I would have skipped the bit about having a cheating husband.

 

 

I think you are an OW who had just come out of an A with a MM after a D-day, so I get the impression that these and similar questions you've been asking are aimed at gauging the chances of success of their marriage or reconciliation. You have also stated you don't want him back at all. I would advise you to focus on healing yourself, as their marriage is no concern of yours and the "statistics" and experiences of people here on LS cannot predict what will happen to them.

 

 

I guess it's understandable if you're interested because you are hoping to get back with him, but if you're not I'm sure you don't want to look as though you're hovering nearby waiting for their marriage to fail.

 

 

Thank you as usual for your honest and as usual insightful post. Actually the reason I am information gathering is because I feel so fing bad for what I did to BS, and because I know they are staying together, if BS and ExMM have a shot at future happiness or if I am at 50% fault for screwing them up forever. ( after the posts here it seems like BS will have a hard time ever being fully happy again and that's a huge guilt pill to swallow. Even if ExMM marriage failed I would never go back to him ever.

 

My dream for myself is to one day have a SINGLE man of my own who I can be worthy of if he ever comes around when I am ready and understand myself better.

[NewLeaf512]

Hello. Yes I was confused as well! In any event, it appears feedback from a wayward spouse of some sort is being requested, whether that be strictly wayward, or a betrayed who became a wayward.

 

However, after your post I reviewed the thread starter's other threads and find this thread to be inappropriate to our Infidelity forum, as the starter apparently identifies as an OW (widow) and is asking a general question, so I'll move this to GRD and request that such similar threads be located there, per our published policies, easily found at the top of the Infidelity and OM/OW forums.

 

Thanks!

 

 

I should have been clearer in my wording. It was for WS or for a BS who then became a WS (eye for an eye scenario.

[gettingstronger]

I am a bit confused on who this is for because of the original posts, and subsequent posts from the OP about her motivation (feeling badly for BS) so if I am OT, I apologize-

 

My husband and I talked about this a lot last night-yes, he sometimes hates when I spend too much time on LS

 

Him- he feels so lucky for a second chance, could not be happier that I am willing to try and work this out- feels lucky that I still love him and that he has the chance to experience unconditional love- he hates himself and what he has done so the two work against each other in his mind leaving him feeling shameful and remorseful as well as happy and thankful-

 

Me- I am still quite bruised and my vision of what love is has changed-I love him no doubt and am committed to working on this honestly and fully BUT I know in my heart we won't be what we could have been, what I thought we were. It hurts my soul-betrayal is a tough road to battle back from- I don't feel lucky in any way, shape or form-

 

Us- we are enjoying each other, enjoying our lives, our sex and married life is off the charts- how much is because we are rediscovering it and how much is that our kids are older, leaving us more time to be a couple, I really don't know-

 

I do know we have no other choice but to try because neither of us can imagine life without the other-we do love each other deeply- is that enough to make it in the long run- I hope so-

 

Are we happy- yes, we are as happy as we can be given our circumstances- are we as happy as we could have been-not sure, was not given that chance-

[katielee]

I guess that's one way of looking at it - given the circumstances, we are doing pretty well. I can't believe we're not divorced. Or dead.