NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) If you and your BS stayed married after one of you had an A, how many years post A are you? (and are you happy?) Edited July 15, 2015 by NewLeaf512 added second question
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 BS or WS? Either way, we are almost 4 years post-DDay. hi Sub, thanks for your response. Are you happy?
Sub Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 hi Sub, thanks for your response. Are you happy? I would say, generally, yes. I would also say my perspective on happiness has changed, though. Or how I achieve it. I feel much more responsible for my own happiness than I did before the A. Not that I expected other people, including my WW, to make and keep me happy. I just seek less validation from her and the success of the M. 3
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 7 years post D-Day. 16 years since my wife's affair. (She confessed 8 yrs after her 3 month long affair with co-worker) We are both happy in our "new" marriage. It was a long and hard road to get to "happy". The first 3 years after D-day were brutal for both of us. 5
Struck down Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 coming up on 2 years end of this month. The experience has forever changed us as individuals, as a family. Are we happy? I can be, but my BH has now taken a very clinical view of "happiness" and emotions in general. I feel like a completely different person that who I was 2 years ago. so much devastation and destruction. If I could take it all back I would. 2
Bittersweetie Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Six years since the A, 5.5 years since d-day. Yes, we are happy. It did take a lot of work to rebuild our relationship, working through not only the A but everything that came before. It was worth it. We've traveled, bought a house, had a child. I am truly blessed. 5
Spectre Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) coming up on 2 years end of this month. The experience has forever changed us as individuals, as a family. Are we happy? I can be, but my BH has now taken a very clinical view of "happiness" and emotions in general. I feel like a completely different person that who I was 2 years ago. so much devastation and destruction. If I could take it all back I would. Look no offense, but this is what I don't get. So you obviously cheated, and you have seen this has had a huge effect on your husband for the negative even though he decided to stay with you. So honest question, did his behavior never once cause you to think maybe he would be better off without you..but that also maybe he lacks the strength to actually walk away? [betrayed spouses] can think all kinds of crazy things like "I brought this on myself" or "I will never be able to find someone else so why not stay?" or stuff like that. I just worry sometimes a wayward spouse wants to badly to be forgiven and get another chance that when that happens they don't stop to think about why or if this is what would truly be best for their partner. Especially in cases where a person has cheated multiple times or only stopped cheating due to being caught..they never think what mental issues it might suggest a person has if they are willing to overlook that. I wish more waywards would really consider if they are TRULY the best person for their spouse to be with. Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Civility and respect 7
aliveagain Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) 7 years post D-Day. 16 years since my wife's affair. (She confessed 8 yrs after her 3 month long affair with co-worker) We are both happy in our "new" marriage. It was a long and hard road to get to "happy". The first 3 years after D-day were brutal for both of us. Do you feel any imbalance 7 years later? The fact that she [had an affair] for a few months and you stayed true, does that imbalance still pop up every now or then? Do you think you still need to find a way to balance things? Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Confused48 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 We are together 3 yrs post Dday. No, not happy. I mean sure some times our relations are great. No actually, most of the time we are great. When it gets bad though, it gets really bad. And even in the good times I am constantly thinking things like: WTF with the WS! How could WS do that!? Often I feel physically sick when I think about. I have PTSD. I have high anxiety. To answer the inevitable why.... the usual. Young kids mostly. Money too. Fear of change. Lingering hope that it will get better with time. 4
William Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Folks, let's leave this topic for wayward spouses who remained married to answer regarding staying married, how long and whether or not they are happy. This is not an invitation to interrogate them or demean them, rather for the thread starter to gain their perspective. I left some tangentially topical content visible prior to this directive but I'll do the instant moderation thing after this directive so be aware of that if responding. If you're not a wayward spouse who's remained married, there are thousands of other threads to participate in. Do so. Thanks!
katielee Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) So honest question, did his behavior never once cause you to think maybe he would be better off without you..but that also maybe he lacks the strength to actually walk away? I wish more waywards would really consider if they are TRULY the best person for their spouse to be with. I considered that many times. But if he wants to go he should go. A BS lacking the strength to leave a situation they don't want to be in doesn't need the WS to do it for them. They need to take action and make that first empowering step themselves.. oh and, I guess I should answer - it's been 5.5 years since my affair. I am moderately happy. But thats a whole other story. Edited July 15, 2015 by katielee added a line 3
ladydesigner Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 It has been 7 years since my revenge affair and my WH's first indiscretion (EA, PA not proven). It has been 3 years since Dday with my WH and his LTA MOW. 1 year out from a False R discovery. I do not think either of us are happy. We haven't tried MC again though. The first time in MC my WH had the counselor snowed so I cancelled therapy at that time for that reason.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 7 years post D-Day. 16 years since my wife's affair. (She confessed 8 yrs after her 3 month long affair with co-worker) We are both happy in our "new" marriage. It was a long and hard road to get to "happy". The first 3 years after D-day were brutal for both of us. Obviously any A is terrible but you sound like staying the course was worth it
ladydesigner Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I would say, generally, yes. I would also say my perspective on happiness has changed, though. Or how I achieve it. I feel much more responsible for my own happiness than I did before the A. Not that I expected other people, including my WW, to make and keep me happy. I just seek less validation from her and the success of the M. I feel very much like this. I am happy with myself, but not in my M if that makes sense.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 7 years post D-Day. 16 years since my wife's affair. (She confessed 8 yrs after her 3 month long affair with co-worker) We are both happy in our "new" marriage. It was a long and hard road to get to "happy". The first 3 years after D-day were brutal for both of us. It has been 7 years since my revenge affair and my WH's first indiscretion (EA, PA not proven). It has been 3 years since Dday with my WH and his LTA MOW. 1 year out from a False R discovery. I do not think either of us are happy. We haven't tried MC again though. The first time in MC my WH had the counselor snowed so I cancelled therapy at that time for that reason. May I assume correctly that you ( and possibly both of you) are not happy. If this is true why do you stay?
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Six years since the A, 5.5 years since d-day. Yes, we are happy. It did take a lot of work to rebuild our relationship, working through not only the A but everything that came before. It was worth it. We've traveled, bought a house, had a child. I am truly blessed. Awesome outcome 1
ladydesigner Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 May I assume correctly that you ( and possibly both of you) are not happy. If this is true why do you stay? I think we are both hoping to repair this the best we can and that happiness about the M will return again. After the first Dday I was able to forgive my WS and regain happiness in the M, that was until False R. I have been struggling since the False R. I stay for my kids, my comfort, financial, and hope that I may reconnect with WH (although it may not be possible ) 2
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 We are together 3 yrs post Dday. No, not happy. I mean sure some times our relations are great. No actually, most of the time we are great. When it gets bad though, it gets really bad. And even in the good times I am constantly thinking things like: WTF with the WS! How could WS do that!? Often I feel physically sick when I think about. I have PTSD. I have high anxiety. To answer the inevitable why.... the usual. Young kids mostly. Money too. Fear of change. Lingering hope that it will get better with time. Thanks for your honest response. I have never been in your place but it seems there are lots of factors in play. The only one I can even comment on it that 3 years seems to be a pretty sizeable amount of time hoping things will get better. Sending good vibes
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Do you feel any imbalance 7 years later? The fact that she [had an affair] for a few months and you stayed true, does that imbalance still pop up every now or then? Do you think you still need to find a way to balance things? It used to. I've screwed up on my own (not affair related) several times over the years and have asked for forgiveness. I see a huge imbalance in our relationship while I was kept in the dark. Not only did she unilaterally change the rules of our marriage by having an affair, but she let me live a lie until she came clean with her affair. She got to live in the real world and I lived in an alternate reality. That was almost as hard to deal with than the affair itself. Hence, the 3 years of hell unpacking all of that and coming to terms with all of it. 1
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 I think we are both hoping to repair this the best we can and that happiness about the M will return again. After the first Dday I was able to forgive my WS and regain happiness in the M, that was until False R. I have been struggling since the False R. I stay for my kids, my comfort, financial, and hope that I may reconnect with WH (although it may not be possible ) I wish you all the best. 1
Sub Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I feel very much like this. I am happy with myself, but not in my M if that makes sense. It does. I don't want to paint it as if I'm unhappy in the M. I love my W, our son, and what we have. It's a process, though. I feel like we have something good and we're working towards more. I just don't see it as this ironclad, forever-or-nothing institution as I once did.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 May I assume correctly that you ( and possibly both of you) are not happy. If this is true why do you stay? I said that I was happy. I have been happy for several years now. Was I happy when I was served a ***** sandwich on D-day and forced to eat it? No way. For three years I had to deal with anger issues and all of the PTSD that comes with being a BS. I went on ADs just to quell the underlying rage that was ever present. I spent three years off/on again going to IC and MC. Like I said, it was brutal for awhile.
Confused48 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Thanks for your honest response. I have never been in your place but it seems there are lots of factors in play. The only one I can even comment on it that 3 years seems to be a pretty sizeable amount of time hoping things will get better. Sending good vibes I agree. Long time. So hope is fading but that hope was not the main factor in deciding to stay. Best of luck to you too. I'm glad to see posts by repentant WS.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 I considered that many times. But if he wants to go he should go. A BS lacking the strength to leave a situation they don't want to be in doesn't need the WS to do it for them. They need to take action and make that first empowering step themselves.. oh and, I guess I should answer - it's been 5.5 years since my affair. I am moderately happy. But thats a whole other story. Katielee what is the reason you are moderately happy
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