Jojobo Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I'm in search of some perspective or advice. I've been dating the perfect man for 2 years. We are both divorced and I have one child, 17 and he has 3 children, 6,8 and 10. We've been having a semi-long distance, (1 hr.) relationship for the entirety of our relationship and it has been great. However, when my daughter turns 18, we have planned to move in together. I suggested a town in the middle which would make both of our work commutes 30 minutes. However, he's hesitant and says he wants to be closer to his kids in his town. This has been bothering me because 1, I really don't like where he lives and don't see myself happy there. And 2, it would be a grueling 1 hr. + commute to the job I love and that I'm not willing to give up. But he is the most amazing man I've ever met and we have, in my eyes, a perfect relationship...except for this. Do you think it's right for me to insist he compromise and meet me in the middle, or move on? Should I just move on? Is this a selfish request? I don't feel like 30 minutes is that far from your kids, plus he works in the town where they live 50% of the time, giving him the opportunity to see them after work. Help!
kendahke Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I'm in search of some perspective or advice. I've been dating the perfect man for 2 years. We are both divorced and I have one child, 17 and he has 3 children, 6,8 and 10. We've been having a semi-long distance, (1 hr.) relationship for the entirety of our relationship and it has been great. However, when my daughter turns 18, we have planned to move in together. I suggested a town in the middle which would make both of our work commutes 30 minutes. However, he's hesitant and says he wants to be closer to his kids in his town. This has been bothering me because 1, I really don't like where he lives and don't see myself happy there. And 2, it would be a grueling 1 hr. + commute to the job I love and that I'm not willing to give up. But he is the most amazing man I've ever met and we have, in my eyes, a perfect relationship...except for this. Do you think it's right for me to insist he compromise and meet me in the middle, or move on? Should I just move on? Is this a selfish request? I don't feel like 30 minutes is that far from your kids, plus he works in the town where they live 50% of the time, giving him the opportunity to see them after work. Help! Not until the youngest is off to college. Keep to the arrangement you currently have. You don't need to move in with him--you say the relationship is perfect. Keep it perfect.
Poppyolive Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 You definitely need to reach a compromise. Whatever that maybe. I have wouldn't see this as a reason to leave. If you can't reach a compromise, can you just remain in your own homes? I can see where he is coming from in regards to his kids, his are much younger than yours. So needing to be closer to his side would be where I would meet him, could you do something like that? So, not exactly vhalfway, but meaning a little more to his side? Also, take a step back. This will be resolved, in time.
kendahke Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Also, why does it have to require a sledgehammer approach? Why do you have to insist or leave? That's pretty heavy handed. He's got obligations for the next 15 years. Right now, he doesn't want to disrupt his children's schedule and he's not wrong for that--he's got young children. I think it's wrong of you to insist that he views his obligations through your lens, especially if he's not asked you to disrupt your daughter's schedule and home when she was 6 to accommodate him. How you feel 30 minutes being whatever distance from his children is really non sequitur--they're not your children and you don't have anything to say in that arena until you're his wife. He doesn't want to give up their home with him. Respect that.
umirano Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I agree with you, OP. Your request is not outrageous, some willingness to cooperate can be expected after one year and if your partner sees the relationship as going equally well as you.
candie13 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Learn to negotiate better. question: do u have any future Plans ? what is next for u 2 ?
Author Jojobo Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 I appreciate the feedback! Just to clarify, we have no plans of moving in together until my daughter is out of the house. And I can see how my post seems heavy-handed. I'm just worried about moving forward with someone if I don't see a future. We both have discussed that we see marriage in our future but would like to live together first. But, yes, that is the ultimate goal for the both of us. As for the comment about me not being fair regarding being near his kids... I think a good relationship involves compromise. To move closer to his town, I would be compromising being close to my job, my family and my father who has Alzheimers and living in a place I don't like. He would be compromising nothing. If we settled on halfway, he wouldn't see his kids any less- he has joint 50/50 custody. He would just be a little (30 min) further away.
preraph Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I think you should just not move in together. Both your lives are complicated. If he's unwilling to drive 30 minutes to his kids and work but expects you to drive an hour, just don't move in together. I get that he wants to be close to work and his kids and that you do too. So you should leave things as they are and just get together when you can. He shouldn't expect you to make all the changes and him make none. He's NOT the perfect man for you unless you are the one who makes all the concessions and compromises, and I don't think you are and can't blame you. Don't be bending over backwards to keep believing he is "the perfect man." He's either willing to make some sacrifice to live with you or he's not. Remember both your spouses will have to make this drive too. He probably doesn't want to stir the pot with his ex that way.
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