Jonp219 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 So yesterday I went downtown to fill out some paperwork at my job. While I was down there I walked by the hotel me and my ex stayed at during New Years Eve, just a few weeks before we broke up. When I walked by my heart was fine, it didn't jump, and it didn't knot up. Then I went across the street and walked around the Pub we last went to. I walked by the table we last sat at and still no jump, no knot, just memories. Later I met up with a friend and while on our way to TGI Fridays we drove by an old hotel me and her stayed at last summer. My heart didn't jump, and it didn't knot up. Mind you none of this was planned, it just happened to come up yesterday. It was my first time going by these places since the first 2 weeks of the break up. I remember when I first walked by that pub and hotel. My heart was a complete mess, I literally rushed to the nearest bathroom and just cried. One of my lowest moments ever. I think yesterday I got a first glimpse of what real distance feels like, and it's scary. Its like she never existed, kind of like the relationship was just a big dream. And despite the fact that I feel a little more liberated from the constant crying and heart pain, I don't know if I should be happy or sad. BTW I'm 5 months post BU and 4 months NC. 1
Reels Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 It is usual to still have some feelings. Do you feel better now?
Author Jonp219 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 It is usual to still have some feelings. Do you feel better now? Better? Idk to be honest. It's kind of like my heart grew numb to the pain. I'm still a little doubtful that I'll ever be able to replicate that same level of love despite all the issues me and her faced, but I guess that's normal too. Have I learned to accept it? For the most part, yes. 80% I've accepted and 20% I haven't. I'm caught in that place where you can't tell if you miss THEM or you miss being in a relationship. I don't know what the difference is.
jen1447 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 It is progress, so congrats on that. The void sensation you're feeling tho isn't quite what you think it is imo. First of all, I hate to be a downer but while this is a good sign, you're not out of the woods yet. Healing doesn't just take effect like that one day, even tho your progress can manifest as little happy victories. What actually happens is you realize over an extended period of time that her power over you has gradually lessened to the point that it's negligible. It's not a wake-up-one-morning-and-be-fine-forevermore thing. The other thing is that void is the sensation of the loss not of her, but of the coping mechanism you used to get over her. You lose your girl, and she gets replaced with a sickness of regret and grief that itself becomes your crutch, your constant partner. You start to embrace the crutch. It fills the void of your missing GF. Life is just you and your grief. But when to start to get better, the crutch starts to go away. What's left? Nothing. Before it was you and your GF, then it was you and your grief, and at the last it's just you, hence you feel that emptiness. The good news is that at that point, you're generally ready to fill up that space with another person again. 3
NopeNah Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 At a point you become numb. Soon, those thoughts of "we did this and sat there" will vanish as well. 1
Author Jonp219 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 At a point you become numb. Soon, those thoughts of "we did this and sat there" will vanish as well. That is until I see her again lol
NopeNah Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 That is until I see her again lol Once you're "numb" you won't care. She'll be nothing more than the next lady in line at starbucks.
Author Jonp219 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Once you're "numb" you won't care. She'll be nothing more than the next lady in line at starbucks. Damn so I guess I overestimated my recovery lol. I saw her on my block a few weeks ago and that had my head screwed up for a few days. She didn't see me, but it wouldn't of made a difference anyway.
BriNyc82 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 This progress we speak of is not always in such a straight line. You might have days where you take a few steps ahead like today, then a few back. Either way, it seems like it was a good day for you Sometimes on my "good days" when I feel myself being strong and over him, I feel guilty because getting over him becomes real. And I think wow, I really can live without him and that scares me.......... "every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day"
Author Jonp219 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 This progress we speak of is not always in such a straight line. You might have days where you take a few steps ahead like today, then a few back. Either way, it seems like it was a good day for you Sometimes on my "good days" when I feel myself being strong and over him, I feel guilty because getting over him becomes real. And I think wow, I really can live without him and that scares me.......... "every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day" This is true Bri. Although I can walk by certain areas, I can't visit all of them yet. There are still songs that get me choked up when I hear them on the radio, and shows I can't watch without her image popping up in my head. I have my happy days like yesterday, but then I also have my sad days like Sunday. I know it's going to take a while to get over a 4 year relationship, but when the days are really bad (which are rare) they're bad.
Author Jonp219 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 Nevermind. I felt like **** this morning. I'm just going to stop keeping up with my progress and let this play out. It's so ****ing annoying.
15Love Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Doh! Oh well, maybe you could watch for how long it takes to get past it this time. You might find it's at least not lasting as long. That's something!
Author Jonp219 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 Doh! Oh well, maybe you could watch for how long it takes to get past it this time. You might find it's at least not lasting as long. That's something! That's true! The bad feelings don't last as long as they use to, I guess that is something. 1
15Love Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I also understand the fear that if you really do move on it'll be like the relationship never existed...I think you had voiced that as a concern? Just take a chance on it. It's possible you'll get to that place where you're genuinely indifferent and you'll still recognize the relationship for what it was...and if you don't...probably won't hurt at all..cause you've really moved on. Have you ever seen the movie Swingers? With Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, if not see it pronto!! 1
Author Jonp219 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 I also understand the fear that if you really do move on it'll be like the relationship never existed...I think you had voiced that as a concern? Just take a chance on it. It's possible you'll get to that place where you're genuinely indifferent and you'll still recognize the relationship for what it was...and if you don't...probably won't hurt at all..cause you've really moved on. Have you ever seen the movie Swingers? With Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, if not see it pronto!! No, I haven't seen it. But I just read the plot on Wikipedia and it seems Mike and I are the same exact person (except he's had success since his break-up) lol. Hopefully they have it on Netflix so I can check it out when I get home tonight. I feel like i'm in such a rush to move on from all of this. Because I know that if my ex were to ever contact me again I would give in. It's the sorry state of affairs of how my mind works.
15Love Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 No, I haven't seen it. But I just read the plot on Wikipedia and it seems Mike and I are the same exact person (except he's had success since his break-up) lol. Hopefully they have it on Netflix so I can check it out when I get home tonight. I feel like i'm in such a rush to move on from all of this. Because I know that if my ex were to ever contact me again I would give in. It's the sorry state of affairs of how my mind works. Oh my gosh!! That's exactly how I feel until I know for a fact I wouldn't respond if he reached out it all feels in vain because I'm still at his mercy. Sigh. We're both speed walkin' to the indifference phase. You gotta find swingers. Order from Amazon if you have to. So our lives!
Amas5750 Posted July 19, 2015 Posted July 19, 2015 Congrats. You sound like you have yourself some mental Space. That was hard fought I'm sure. I'm happy you have some mental space and I think its a good thing
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