Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 It is my theory that a relationship is much more fun and exciting and healthy if the man goes slower with sex and other intimate activities than the woman wants it. When going out on a date I usually play it safe and assume the woman wants to take it slow. I don't want to do anything that would leave room for her to accuse me of pushing and pressuring her or begging her for anything. So I strive to take things even slower than she wants it. In other words I will appear to want to take it slower than her. If she wants to drive 45mph I will drive 35mph to be safe in a matter of speaking. In other words she may not invite me into her house until after the 3rd or 4th date. I don't jump on the first offer to go into the house. I wait until the 9th or 10th date to accept her offer. I wait for her to initiate sex the first time. Then I stop her right there and say I don't think this is a good idea right now. We should slow down. Since it is natural that men want to move faster than women and women know this then that is all the more reason for men to appear to be less interested and less excited than they really are. The thing is many women think they have men figured out and that they can predict our behaviors and desires ahead of time. Unless I purposely take the initiative to slow things down then I am too predictable in her eyes. What happens when a guy is too predictable? He becomes boring and there's nothing to keep her on her toes and keep her guessing. Let her wonder and investigate why I am not jumping on her first offer to go into her house or spend the night or have sex or why I won't take her up on her offer to buy me a drink. I don't want her to have 100% accuracy in predicting my every move. Challenge, mystery, excitement, etc. Those are elements to add in addition to making her laugh, showing her a good time on the date, asking her questions about herself and asking follow up questions on what she said. Also I make sure she is talking 70% of the time and don't volunteer information about myself unless it is something that she has a stake in.
Keenly Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 That's exactly how I am, though it's by default. I'm just more cautious than most I guess. That being said, they usually will get bored and give up when this happens.
Author Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 That's exactly how I am, though it's by default. I'm just more cautious than most I guess. That being said, they usually will get bored and give up when this happens. Not if you mix up dating times and days of the week and do something different on each date. For the first 10 dates I would not do the same activity a 2nd time. Have as much variety. Vary the times too. Take her out on a Thursday night one week and then a Tuesday night the next week. Then a Monday and Wednseday night the week after that. I am careful to keep the dates under 3 hours. First date is 20-30 minutes max.
Keenly Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I didn't mean bored like activity bored. I meant bored like she is thinking " where is this going. Why isn't he being more aggressive. If he liked me he would be trying harder" etc. 1
central Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 You may be going a little too slow, OP. I would always wait for signs of interest before initiating intimacy. I would be fun and flirty, but not aggressive. However, the funny thing is that almost every woman I dated initiated sex by the third date - I didn't have to. I did turn a couple down when it seemed we weren't a good match, though.
Author Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 I didn't mean bored like activity bored. I meant bored like she is thinking " where is this going. Why isn't he being more aggressive. If he liked me he would be trying harder" etc. That's exactly where I want her head to be at. I want her asking all her girlfriends why I'm not jumping on her offer. In the early stages of dating it is a good thing for a woman to be kept in doubt about my strong feelings for her.
Keenly Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 That's exactly where I want her head to be at. I want her asking all her girlfriends why I'm not jumping on her offer. In the early stages of dating it is a good thing for a woman to be kept in doubt about my strong feelings for her. And then it plays out just like jt does here. They tell her that he isn't into you and to move on.
Author Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 And then it plays out just like jt does here. They tell her that he isn't into you and to move on. If she moves on because she thinks I am not into her then at least I have spared my ego. It is better than being rejected because she lost interest. I don't want to be the partner with the higher interest level.
Keenly Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 If she moves on because she thinks I am not into her then at least I have spared my ego. It is better than being rejected because she lost interest. I don't want to be the partner with the higher interest level. Why not? What's wrong with being more interested? The situation you describe does not sound very organic to me, but if you can make it work, go for it. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I learned that I had to learn how to read women. True, some wanted a slow start, but at the same time, you go to slow with others, you end up in the dreaded friend zone. For me it worked like no sex by the third date, it would probably never happen. With my latest GF, for what ever reason, after waiting in line for over two years to get a date with her, I backed off and took it slow. The first date was a disaster, it was so bad I was surprised that she agreed to a second date. The second date, was just as bad as the first date, in fact it was so bad I took her home early. I knew it was over, no chance, so why not give my old ways a chance. Boy am I glad I did. We have now been together for coming up on 20 years and very much in love. When I think back, it is kind of scary to realize what I could have missed for being a nice guy and taking it slow. 2
serial muse Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 If she moves on because she thinks I am not into her then at least I have spared my ego. It is better than being rejected because she lost interest. I don't want to be the partner with the higher interest level. Definitely don't provide any unsolicited baked goods, then. 2
William Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Folks, thanks for your responses but don't expect any responses from our hydra who started the thread and feel free to comment on the general topic of men going slower than women.
Imported Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 You're wrong OP. Be understanding and respectful sure, but always go for it. If she rebukes, then stop.
Male Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I learned that I had to learn how to read women. True, some wanted a slow start, but at the same time, you go to slow with others, you end up in the dreaded friend zone. Its a fine line to walk from a guys point of view. So many women preach that they want a guy that isnt just about sex, but if you dont at least try to make a move, many women question your confidence/manhood. Its just another double standard that guys have to deal with in the dating world. 1
spiderowl Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 It is my theory that a relationship is much more fun and exciting and healthy if the man goes slower with sex and other intimate activities than the woman wants it. When going out on a date I usually play it safe and assume the woman wants to take it slow. I don't want to do anything that would leave room for her to accuse me of pushing and pressuring her or begging her for anything. So I strive to take things even slower than she wants it. In other words I will appear to want to take it slower than her. If she wants to drive 45mph I will drive 35mph to be safe in a matter of speaking. In other words she may not invite me into her house until after the 3rd or 4th date. I don't jump on the first offer to go into the house. I wait until the 9th or 10th date to accept her offer. I wait for her to initiate sex the first time. Then I stop her right there and say I don't think this is a good idea right now. We should slow down. Since it is natural that men want to move faster than women and women know this then that is all the more reason for men to appear to be less interested and less excited than they really are. The thing is many women think they have men figured out and that they can predict our behaviors and desires ahead of time. Unless I purposely take the initiative to slow things down then I am too predictable in her eyes. What happens when a guy is too predictable? He becomes boring and there's nothing to keep her on her toes and keep her guessing. Let her wonder and investigate why I am not jumping on her first offer to go into her house or spend the night or have sex or why I won't take her up on her offer to buy me a drink. I don't want her to have 100% accuracy in predicting my every move. Challenge, mystery, excitement, etc. Those are elements to add in addition to making her laugh, showing her a good time on the date, asking her questions about herself and asking follow up questions on what she said. Also I make sure she is talking 70% of the time and don't volunteer information about myself unless it is something that she has a stake in. Interesting you should say this. I have been in touch with a guy who seems to be taking it slow, very slow, like this. He is encouraging but not pushing things forward, as if he is waiting for me to. I'm actually getting fed up and losing interest. I don't like fast but I do like to know the guy is really interested and not waiting for me to suggest meeting or texting or whatever. Why is he waiting? In my mind, either he is too passive (which I am not looking for) or he is not interested or he is playing a waiting game. None of these are appealing to me and in fact, I've communicated less recently. He seems a nice guy but just hasn't got enough get up and go for me. So, while I would say going a bit slower than many guys do is a good idea, not moving forwards at the same pace as the woman is a bad idea. 1
regine_phalange Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 If you tease and then suddenly pull away, well, that leaves some confusion that a woman may not want to deal with. 1
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