Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) We often hear about the importance of being alert for red flags when going out on dates and alot of that has some merit because alot of times people just run with their emotions and don't observe things objectively early on. Dating is like a car. The earlier problems are detected the less chance it is going to cost alot of pain financially and emotionally. So for the most part it is good advice to keep watch but is there another side of the coin to this? Is there a such thing as overanalyzing and overdoing it when it comes to looking for red flags? I don't hear that being talked about much here perhaps because it is far more common for folks to not analyze enough. Maybe the danger of going to the other extreme and never giving someone the benefit of the doubt is an isolated incident that it is not even worth addressing? In other words is there a such thing as being too fanatical about looking for red flags in a potential partner just like one can be fanatical about diet and exercise to the point where they don't live a little and feel deprived of their favorite junk foods? Can looking for red flags ever become an obsession? If so is that a red flag in itself to be obsessed with finding red flags? And if one does become too obsessed with finding red flags when there's nothing to worry about then don't they risk missing out on opportunites to be with the love of their life? Edited July 15, 2015 by Acrobat
Author Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Just like there are folks who are lazy about cleaning the house and letting it fall apart over time there's also the other extreme where a person can be a religious fanatic about cleaning the house. I saw a program about that not too long ago. A person who is fanatical about cleanliness feels a sense of urgency to like do the dishes right away and thinks it would be a disaster to relax after dinner and wait an hour or two to do the dishes. It isn't that important to do the dishes right away after a meal. It isn't necessary to vacuum the whole house everyday or to clean the bathrooms everyday but fanatics do that. I say if it is possible to be fanatical about healthy eating and keeping a house clean or fanatical about going to the gym when overtraining muscles backfires then why wouldn't it be possible to be fanatical about searching for red flags in a potential date?
Friskyone4u Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Good question, but like asnything else too much of anything is no good for you. That being said, totaly blissful ignorance and burying red flags in the sand can be much more painful. Just like with terrible diseases, too many people ASSUME it will happen to the other guy and stay in denial when there are a lot more than a little red flag in front of them. It is like ignoring the signs of disease and not going to doctor and hoping it will go away. And there are much different dgress of red flags. Way different find a text on your spouses phone from someone of opposite sex that just asks a simple question than one that says "I had a great time last night" Each person has to make their own decision on what red flag constitutes trouble but recognizing and being alert does not constitute over analyzing in my opinion. In todays world, any one who thinks it cannot happen to them is living with blinders on and anyone who makesa the statement "I would never ever cheat" just puts themselves into the catergory of 99% of the population who actually have cheated. Very few people actually plan to do it or think themselves capable of it. As the old saying goes 'It just happened" 1
Author Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Once the word never comes out of someone's mouth that's my cue to mentally prepare for the opposite to happen. The word never is an expression of overconfidence. Truth is nobody knows what temptations they will fall into given the right circumstances and other external pressures and incentives. The same with folks who are so naive to think that those who are in positions of authority or trust would never lie to us. I hear it all the time. Oh cops would never lie because it is illegal to commit perjury. Okay since when does something being illegal stop anyone from doing it even if they are in law enforcement? Cops are human too and have temptations and they need to be policed like everybody else. 2
preraph Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Finding red flags isn't an obsession. It means there are red flags to find. Follow your instincts. If it seems off, it's probably off. 3
Dreamworld Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I wonder a lot about this myself because I have been hurt in the past so sometimes I feel I may be sabotaging the relationship/ dates by looking for problems that aren't there because I am afraid to get hurt again.... But at the same time I think our instincts tell us more than we would like to think....so now I find that if something someone says or does makes me acutely uncomfortable or sends out a tiny alarm in the back of my head, there is a reason for it...and that if I find myself rationalizing, justifying, or analyzing someone a little too much, there is a reason for that too. In both cases, that something ain't right. I think if things feel right, they just feel..right. 1
Author Acrobat Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 I wonder a lot about this myself because I have been hurt in the past so sometimes I feel I may be sabotaging the relationship/ dates by looking for problems that aren't there because I am afraid to get hurt again.... But at the same time I think our instincts tell us more than we would like to think....so now I find that if something someone says or does makes me acutely uncomfortable or sends out a tiny alarm in the back of my head, there is a reason for it...and that if I find myself rationalizing, justifying, or analyzing someone a little too much, there is a reason for that too. In both cases, that something ain't right. I think if things feel right, they just feel..right. Feelings can lie though. If you have been hurt in the past then yeah you learn to catch red flags early but there's also the temptation to overcorrect things we didn't do in the past. Over correcting mistakes only leads to new problems. Maybe you are not over correcting anything in your case but that doesn't mean it isn't possible to overcorrect. 2
Dreamworld Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Feelings can lie though. If you have been hurt in the past then yeah you learn to catch red flags early but there's also the temptation to overcorrect things we didn't do in the past. Over correcting mistakes only leads to new problems. Maybe you are not over correcting anything in your case but that doesn't mean it isn't possible to overcorrect. Agreed. But that is the risk I may have to take or I would never be able to open up to a potential wonderful guy. But as for feeling the ick factor, I don't question that as much anymore. In other words I trust my instincts more now when I feel something is off. 1
preraph Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Just make sure they're red flags you're observing in them, not red flags coming out of your own mind being projected onto them. Be sure they have actually exhibited a behavior to raise a flag and that your fear has not just manifested an unfounded fear. And communicate. 2
No Limit Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I don't analyze much irl. For the past few years my gut feeling has never failed me. It's more like making observations; some people might not like to admit it but they're very easy to read.
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I wonder a lot about this myself because I have been hurt in the past so sometimes I feel I may be sabotaging the relationship/ dates by looking for problems that aren't there because I am afraid to get hurt again.... But at the same time I think our instincts tell us more than we would like to think....so now I find that if something someone says or does makes me acutely uncomfortable or sends out a tiny alarm in the back of my head, there is a reason for it...and that if I find myself rationalizing, justifying, or analyzing someone a little too much, there is a reason for that too. In both cases, that something ain't right. I think if things feel right, they just feel..right. Yep. 2 options: your instincts are telling you sthg feels wrong (an actual red flag, never to be ignored), or you are over analysing / projecting or whatever, in which case that's your instincts telling you you are not quite ripe for a R (also not to be ignored). Not a happy ending either way, IMO. 1
GravityMan Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Most of the time, red flags (if any) tend to naturally surface on their own sooner or later...usually sooner. Thus, there's no need to analyze or go out of your way to find any red flags...in fact, that can work against you. The other person may be a perfectly fine, swell dude...BUT he may decide to tap the brakes if he senses your paranoia and projection, because he's wondering if you're truly ready for a relationship. Overanalysis in general (about anything) has a tendency to cause people to see and think things that aren't really there. A person's instincts (i.e. gut feeling) can be quite effective at telling him/her when something seems off with that person, even if the person superficially looks and behaves normally. Chances are, you'll just know when things ain't right...either with the other person specifically, or with the dynamics between you two. 1
Male Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 With all the over-analyzing, and nosing around for red flags that many women do...I dont undertand how they continually get burned, used, and played over, and over, and over. Its almost like a lot of women dont learn anything from past experiences. Heck.. they dont even listen to their friends most of the time when they warn them that the guy is jerk. I dont believe that most guys are master manipulators that are able to trick women. I think a lot of women are either terrible at seeing red flags, or they are great at minimizing red flags when seen, and talking themselves into thinking "its nothing, you are just overreacting". Or probably even more popular, they think they can change him. 1
AppleKakes Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 With all the over-analyzing, and nosing around for red flags that many women do...I dont undertand how they continually get burned, used, and played over, and over, and over. Its almost like a lot of women dont learn anything from past experiences. Heck.. they dont even listen to their friends most of the time when they warn them that the guy is jerk. I dont believe that most guys are master manipulators that are able to trick women. I think a lot of women are either terrible at seeing red flags, or they are great at minimizing red flags when seen, and talking themselves into thinking "its nothing, you are just overreacting". Or probably even more popular, they think they can change him. Well, and a lot of guys get mixed up in how attractive a woman is and are blinded to the red flags...Looks are that mesmerizing to blind a guy.
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