RogerWallace111 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) Unsure how to deal with some obligatory communication with my ex. It's been two months. We were exchanging texts for the first month or so- a mix of property/apartment related stuff and bitter accusations that I abandoned her plus my insistent rebuttals that that wasn't the case. Since then there was a lone text asking if I had some bed sheets of hers, which I never responded to. Things had ended after we moved to a new city and her night shift restaurant job with it's accompanying late night coworker drinking sh*t didn't work well with my schedule or my taste. We had a string of brutal fights over these issues and I told her I couldn't live with her. Tried to take that back a few days later, after packing much of my stuff up and being faced with the reality of it all, but she wasn't having it. Was dignified and stopped short of begging, but was honest. I decided to cut my losses and moved to a different city, as my work didn't provide the social scene hers did and thus I had few friends, plus it wasn't a good spot for me career-wise... We were together romantically for one intense, probably too quickly-moving year but were friends for about 8 before that. That aspect plays into my current dilemma. First piece- She let me know over a month ago that I had forgotten a very sentimental possession of my deceased grandfathers in our closet. I told her I'd send her some money for shipping, and an address to ship it to, before long. I've been floating and haven't gotten around to doing this. Second piece- my computer & harddrive were stolen and the one place at least a chunk of my photos likely still reside is on her computer, as I used it to do backups and she rarely cleans it up. Main piece- The day after I'd left town she informed me that her father was diagnosed with cancer. I expressed my deep sympathy and told her it tore me up that I couldn't be there for her through that. He underwent surgery pretty immediately after that, I asked how it had gone, she said well and thanked me for asking. So now I find myself wondering how her dad's doing, worrying about her, and feeling like it would be f*cked of me, as someone who looked out for her for years as a friend and then lover and still cares about her deeply, to not reach out in some way. And the pain an exchange or even texted conversation might cause me wouldn't be sh*t compared to the eternal regret I'd feel saying nothing. No contact has been helpful but realistically I dealt with the past communication fine enough. Only actually hearing her voice would break me down. Where we last left off she was bitter and insisted I had a plan to leave her, so she likely wouldn't even respond. My current thinking leans this way- send her the address/money, a usb drive with instructions, and a note simply expressing that I hope her dad is doing alright and that she is too. Have also considered asking her sister about her dad before doing this... Thoughts are appreciated. Going to achieve these three things one way or another but want to do so cleanly. Edited July 15, 2015 by RogerWallace111
dangerbang Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with doing what you're suggesting. However if things are still pretty raw, you could leave it a few more months so that any further communication that may come of this won't mean anything to you or upset you at all. That's what I would do anyway. Don't worry about wishing her well about her dad, she has enough people to support her in that way and ex boyfriends aren't supposed to provide any kind of support at all!
aloneinaz Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I agree with Danger. If you have to have those items, wait a few more months before mailing her the instructions on what you need/want. As far as her Dad goes, you're not her friend or partner anymore, thus, you are not obligated to check in w/her about her Dad's health or treatment. My last ex's Mom also was diagnosed with Cancer. I haven't spoken to her in a long time and have no idea how her Mom's doing. It's the oddest and hardest thing to be best friends and in love w/someone to being strangers after it ends. I'm a compassionate person and always check in w/friends about how things like this are going. In my case, it's not my place to check in w/her about her mothers condition. I've accepted that it comes with the territory.
Gus Grimly Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 It's the oddest and hardest thing to be best friends and in love w/someone to being strangers after it ends. F***. That's a painful reality. I just can't accept it.
mightycpa Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I think that's fine... even if the old man is terminal, life goes on and it helps the people that will be left behind to have stuff to do. If the note is as you describe, I think that's fine. 1
Author RogerWallace111 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with doing what you're suggesting. However if things are still pretty raw, you could leave it a few more months so that any further communication that may come of this won't mean anything to you or upset you at all. That's what I would do anyway. Don't worry about wishing her well about her dad, she has enough people to support her in that way and ex boyfriends aren't supposed to provide any kind of support at all! I'd rather just get it out of the way; sending it in and of itself won't be particularly upsetting. I know I'm not obligated, and while I can understand the "it's not your duty to be concerned about her dad, you're no longer in a relationship" mindset, in this case, on a personal level, I need to say something. If we had strictly been romantic partners that would be one thing but there's years of friendship preceding and pride/principle aren't enough to stop me from expressing my genuine concern. I'm not bitter toward her nor worried about how I come across, and there's nothing to be gained by pretending I don't care. Hell, I was the initiator of the break up & moved 1200 miles away a week later; there's no new message to be conveyed by my silence. Main intent of my post was to think out whether any direct contact was warranted or worth it, and as I wrote I suppose I came to my conclusion... Like I said, I'm achieving those three things one way or another. Guess where I was still debating was possibly checking in with her sister but that would be strange & pointless.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 My last ex's Mom also was diagnosed with Cancer. I haven't spoken to her in a long time and have no idea how her Mom's doing. It's the oddest and hardest thing to be best friends and in love w/someone to being strangers after it ends. I'm a compassionate person and always check in w/friends about how things like this are going. In my case, it's not my place to check in w/her about her mothers condition. I've accepted that it comes with the territory. That makes sense. Plus I think it can be patronizing for the person on the receiving end of the check-in. I'm not gonna ask questions, simply going to express that I hope he's doing ok, because I do. If there had been a feeling of "good riddance!" from her I could refrain out of pride. But since her messages after my leaving were a barrage of intensely loving things and then intermittent expressions of feeling abandoned by me, I don't feel any need to prove some point.
aloneinaz Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 That makes sense. Plus I think it can be patronizing for the person on the receiving end of the check-in. I'm not gonna ask questions, simply going to express that I hope he's doing ok, because I do. If there had been a feeling of "good riddance!" from her I could refrain out of pride. But since her messages after my leaving were a barrage of intensely loving things and then intermittent expressions of feeling abandoned by me, I don't feel any need to prove some point. I don't think contacting her/not contacting her has anything to do w/pride, being respectful or anything else. My Mom died suddenly of Cancer a few months post break up from my last ex. There was no reason to contact this ex and make her aware. She wasn't a part of my life anymore, we had not spoken since the break up and she wasn't going to be in my life anymore. My mindset was that I didn't need to make a now stranger aware of my Mom's passing. Just a final thought. Contacting her may set her back to, especially if it was you that ended it. Consider her feelings about you reappearing if only to hope her parent is doing ok. 1
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