Gunslinger905 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) So, long story "short"...I'm military here, and she's military as well. I'm 25 and she's 22. She found me on an online dating site, and it turned out we worked on the same base, which was awesome because I was used to having to drive all the way out in town to see people I went on dates with here. So, she got my number and we text the rest of that night...the next day she text me from her job pretty much all day and asked me out that night with her friends for drinks and whatnot. That went really great, and for the next week and a half or so, we hung out almost every night. She'd initiate asking me over and made me dinner, and she constantly made my work days go by faster by texting me and playing little "question games" etc. I even took her on a proper date and she was so impressed I'd actually dressed up for her and kept doting on how attractive she found me, both look-wise and personality wise. We made out a few nights pretty passionately, but I didn't push to anything more physical...this one was really worth waiting and taking time with! Her impression of me when I asked her about it one day at work was flawless. So many high points and she just kept doting on me more, even showed me the texts her mom had sent about me after she sent her a pic "Hes so cute, way to go! Best one by far" yadda yadda. Well, after that week and a half (over this past weekend) it all changed. Friday night we were texting fine as usual, making each other laugh and sending each other funny pics. I was staying in my room and watching a movie with my roommate, and she wasn't feeling well, so she stayed at her place watching a movie. Well, I ended up crashing and woke up Saturday morning pretty early to see she'd text me sometime after midnight when I was already asleep. Replied to the normal text, to which she replied soon after, and no more than 10 mins later, I receive this "book" of a text. I mean one that blindsided the hell out of me... "Hey, sorry about this and don't take offense, but I just wanna do "me" right now and live the single life. I really haven't gotten to do that lately, and I feel I need to stay single until I get out of the military (near the end of this year, btw you guys). You're a really good guy to have as a friend and I appreciate everything you did for me. I mean I'd like to hang out with you from time to time still and catch up and see how you're doing occasionally...but I don't want you to feel I have to talk to you everyday. Sorry If you felt led on, that wasn't my intention. I really just feel like I need to live the single life now and it's nothing you did, it's me"... Thing totally took me by surprise because I was in awe at how quickly we'd gotten attached, and it was too good to believe, because this was the first girl I'd met in almost 2 years who "hit all the boxes" on my checklist. I text her the typical "wow....not what I was expecting to wake up to." and "could you shed some more light on what made you come to this epiphany, etc. But I understand where you're coming from. Hope I didn't **** it up, ya know?" to which she replied "just not feeling this whole scene, the whole relationship thing. I just want to live the single life and feel it needs to be that way until I'm out. thanks for understanding." I replied to that, but she "read" it and just cut off all contact altogether after that one. Again, really took me by surprise. I text her only ONCE more yesterday morning, with a bit more lengthy apology of sorts and such, and she "read" that, but still no reply. I guess the logical thing is to just leave it be. Who knows, maybe something came up? If she thought I way coming on too strong but want's to live the single life, I don't know what that means for a woman. A guy, sure....you want to smash every broad in sight. But no clue where she was getting at, especially when SHE was the one who initiated contact with me in the very first place ON a dating site. Edited July 15, 2015 by Gunslinger905
peter999 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Wow man, sounds a little cowardly to me. And cold as well, with little feeling. Do the right thing and just ignore her. Its sad, but if she wanted to be with you, she will tell you. Just let it sit for a few days and see what happens. If you dont hear from her, keep your dignity and just let it go. Sorry my friend, Im sure youre hurting. Sounds like she really isnt the person you thought she was.
bolase Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Hi OP Sorry that you're feeling s*** about this. It is a really bad feeling when someone turns around and tells you they don't think you should see each other any more and you don't deserve that, cause you did nothing wrong! As a woman sometimes we are quite good at keeping up the actions and words that keep the relationship/friendship rolling along, even as our feelings change underneath, because we are planners and that is part of managing an exit (should we feel like one). Probably she realises you're a great guy but doesn't really feel like she's falling for you, and wants to end it. She could well be in the space where she needs to indulge interests in other guys, or she simply realises that because shes not falling in love, she needs to end things in order not to string you along further. Definitely cut contact, in the end it's her not you, its the wrong combination of people really. Focus on yourself and write down all the things that you like about yourself, and then the things you want to be, and then how she made you feel about yourself... and work on feeling that way without a girlfriend.
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I guess the logical thing is to just leave it be. Who knows, maybe something came up? If she thought I way coming on too strong but want's to live the single life, I don't know what that means for a woman. A guy, sure....you want to smash every broad in sight. But no clue where she was getting at, especially when SHE was the one who initiated contact with me in the very first place ON a dating site. Why is it so hard for you to comprehend that some women may want to be single? She is 22, she, I guess doesn't want to be tied down to anyone just yet. Dating is dating, people choose who they want to date, unfortunately for you, she just wasn't feeling the same for you as you were for her. 3
Author Gunslinger905 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 I appreciate the feedback guys. I guess I've just always worn my feelings on my sleeve. How I act around you is usually exactly how I "feel" about you. So everything I was putting out to her personality wise was coming straight from the heart, etc. I suppose I just haven't quite figured it out yet that some people have hidden intentions under that awesome and spunky personality, regardless of how great they may tell you you are, or even show you with their actions. I did think it was super random though, and definitely bummed me out, especially after she'd wanted to have weekend plans with me when we had been talking Wednesday and Thursday. Hell, even called on duty Thursday night and said she'd just missed talking to me and was hoping to chat for 30 mins to and hour before she crashed. Like I said, totally random and really with no in depth reasoning or at least to my face. But, I guess she doesn't owe me that.
Toodaloo Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 she just wasn't feeling the same for you as you were for her. Which happens all the time. Cat swings both ways. Try to shrug your shoulders and let it go. You two were not on the same page. Sure feel glum for a couple of days but give yourself a kick up the butt and get on with life. 1
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I did think it was super random though, and definitely bummed me out, especially after she'd wanted to have weekend plans with me when we had been talking Wednesday and Thursday. Hell, even called on duty Thursday night and said she'd just missed talking to me and was hoping to chat for 30 mins to and hour before she crashed. Like I said, totally random and really with no in depth reasoning or at least to my face. But, I guess she doesn't owe me that. Could have been anything and not necessarily anything to do with you. - eg missing her ex, her ex called, she is not ready to date after her last relationship, she loves someone else, she doesn't want to date anyone from the same base, she is about to be sent to some other base, she wants to concentrate on her career, she wants to travel... etc. etc.
Popsicle Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 This was a really ****ty thing for her to do. The thing that stuck out to me in that she basically pursued you. And then she dumps you. This is the problem with OLD, people feel like because they are on there that they have to play the game and treat it like a contest. It's not their fault though, but it does make people act this way. It's stupid, contrived and there is nothing natural and warm about it.
empresario Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Some people (male and female) think the 'ignoring' approach is the best way to deal with someone. For that nagging mosquito of a date that won't go away it makes sense to use it. But, the problem exists when that's the person's go-to method of cutting off contact. They begin to disassociate that they are dealing with a real person that has real feelings. I'm sorry you had to go through this. But let me be clear like she was: it's over for whatever reason. No amount of contact will break radio silence. When someone starts playing that card they rarely if never revert. And every time you text her back it validates that approach in her mind and every time in the future she is more likely to use it.
clia Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Things may have just moved too quickly and she got freaked out. I'm not discounting her part in that, but you two went from 0 to 100 in a week and a half. Texting all day long? Spending almost every night together doing couple things like cooking dinner? You skipped the courtship phase and moved right into a relationship. She got caught up in it, but may have then went "Whoa, now I have to keep this up? I'm not ready for this!" Next time try pacing yourself. 2
joseb Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I think this is yet another case of too much texting smothering someone too soon. Along with execessive porn use it seems to be the theme of the month here on ls. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 So, long story "short"...I'm military here, and she's military as well. I'm 25 and she's 22. She found me on an online dating site, and it turned out we worked on the same base, which was awesome because I was used to having to drive all the way out in town to see people I went on dates with here. So, she got my number and we text the rest of that night...the next day she text me from her job pretty much all day and asked me out that night with her friends for drinks and whatnot. That went really great, and for the next week and a half or so, we hung out almost every night. She'd initiate asking me over and made me dinner, and she constantly made my work days go by faster by texting me and playing little "question games" etc. I even took her on a proper date and she was so impressed I'd actually dressed up for her and kept doting on how attractive she found me, both look-wise and personality wise. We made out a few nights pretty passionately, but I didn't push to anything more physical...this one was really worth waiting and taking time with! Her impression of me when I asked her about it one day at work was flawless. So many high points and she just kept doting on me more, even showed me the texts her mom had sent about me after she sent her a pic "Hes so cute, way to go! Best one by far" yadda yadda. Well, after that week and a half (over this past weekend) it all changed. Friday night we were texting fine as usual, making each other laugh and sending each other funny pics. I was staying in my room and watching a movie with my roommate, and she wasn't feeling well, so she stayed at her place watching a movie. Well, I ended up crashing and woke up Saturday morning pretty early to see she'd text me sometime after midnight when I was already asleep. Replied to the normal text, to which she replied soon after, and no more than 10 mins later, I receive this "book" of a text. I mean one that blindsided the hell out of me... "Hey, sorry about this and don't take offense, but I just wanna do "me" right now and live the single life. I really haven't gotten to do that lately, and I feel I need to stay single until I get out of the military (near the end of this year, btw you guys). You're a really good guy to have as a friend and I appreciate everything you did for me. I mean I'd like to hang out with you from time to time still and catch up and see how you're doing occasionally...but I don't want you to feel I have to talk to you everyday. Sorry If you felt led on, that wasn't my intention. I really just feel like I need to live the single life now and it's nothing you did, it's me"... Thing totally took me by surprise because I was in awe at how quickly we'd gotten attached, and it was too good to believe, because this was the first girl I'd met in almost 2 years who "hit all the boxes" on my checklist. I text her the typical "wow....not what I was expecting to wake up to." and "could you shed some more light on what made you come to this epiphany, etc. But I understand where you're coming from. Hope I didn't **** it up, ya know?" to which she replied "just not feeling this whole scene, the whole relationship thing. I just want to live the single life and feel it needs to be that way until I'm out. thanks for understanding." I replied to that, but she "read" it and just cut off all contact altogether after that one. Again, really took me by surprise. I text her only ONCE more yesterday morning, with a bit more lengthy apology of sorts and such, and she "read" that, but still no reply. I guess the logical thing is to just leave it be. Who knows, maybe something came up? If she thought I way coming on too strong but want's to live the single life, I don't know what that means for a woman. A guy, sure....you want to smash every broad in sight. But no clue where she was getting at, especially when SHE was the one who initiated contact with me in the very first place ON a dating site. This just didn't happen suddenly, there has been something she wasn't getting or seeing in you for a little bit anyway. She was having fun while focusing on her needs and observing and finally got clarity on some level. She didn't just wake up that day and say "hey, I don't like this guy enough". It was a process. This could have been you next month, "wow, I didn't know that about her. Let me see if its a big deal to me as we go". A little while later, "eh, I'm not liking that" at all.
ChicagoSparty Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Things may have just moved too quickly and she got freaked out. I'm not discounting her part in that, but you two went from 0 to 100 in a week and a half. Texting all day long? Spending almost every night together doing couple things like cooking dinner? You skipped the courtship phase and moved right into a relationship. She got caught up in it, but may have then went "Whoa, now I have to keep this up? I'm not ready for this!" Next time try pacing yourself. ^^^this^^^ x 1,000,00
Author Gunslinger905 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Things may have just moved too quickly and she got freaked out. I'm not discounting her part in that, but you two went from 0 to 100 in a week and a half. Texting all day long? Spending almost every night together doing couple things like cooking dinner? You skipped the courtship phase and moved right into a relationship. She got caught up in it, but may have then went "Whoa, now I have to keep this up? I'm not ready for this!" Next time try pacing yourself. Wow, with all the good advice on here, this might be the best one I've read. I never really thought it out like that. When she first hit me up on OLD, I asked why she was single...she was too attractive and seemed to have a good personality....so I had to know. She said she tried to put herself out there by people just either changed their minds too quickly or the guys just wanted sex. I responded with some other stuff, and that as much as I enjoyed a physical relationship, I felt it was important to establish a friendship there, that way in case things do progress further, you're more than FWB when it happens...or, something along those lines. I guess I got caught up in how awesome she seemed as a package, that I escalated that friendship without even knowing it and got her caught up at a fork road of what she wanted to do next. Damn... 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 If she thought I way coming on too strong but want's to live the single life, I don't know what that means for a woman. A guy, sure....you want to smash every broad in sight. But no clue where she was getting at, especially when SHE was the one who initiated contact with me in the very first place ON a dating site. Women in their 20s now are strongly encouraged through social engineering to "smash" as many dudes as they like during their wild partying years. A couple of years ago, Victoria's Secret started marketing a bra called "The Player" (now this is the name of some of their sports bras, but before, it was a regular bra). Go silent on her, and I bet you anything she'll come sniffing back around when she wants to "party". Just have fun with her and don't take her too seriously. If you treat this kind of girl like casual fun, and resist letting her lock you down or keep tabs on you in any way, that's when you'll be like catnip for her. Or forget the party girl and refocus your search on someone with more depth, if that's what you're looking for.
Toodaloo Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Wow, with all the good advice on here, this might be the best one I've read. I never really thought it out like that. When she first hit me up on OLD, I asked why she was single...she was too attractive and seemed to have a good personality....so I had to know. She said she tried to put herself out there by people just either changed their minds too quickly or the guys just wanted sex. I responded with some other stuff, and that as much as I enjoyed a physical relationship, I felt it was important to establish a friendship there, that way in case things do progress further, you're more than FWB when it happens...or, something along those lines. I guess I got caught up in how awesome she seemed as a package, that I escalated that friendship without even knowing it and got her caught up at a fork road of what she wanted to do next. Damn... Don't forget as well that we all have flaws. Each and every one of us. So while she seemed really great at first once you got to know her she may well not have been. This happens a lot with dating especially On Line Dating (OLD). I have had countless guys come on strong then disappear. I just take it at face value these days. I concentrate on the ones who stick around and meet up etc. It sounds awful but you really have to develop a thick skin with it all. You can't take any of it personally. Loads of people out there have serious issues that they just are not dealing with. Loads of people out there sign up to OLD straight out of relationships and do not give themselves time to heal just bouncing from one to the next. Loads of people out there are sane, and are looking for the right person. Keep your chin up and try not to read too much into it. But always keep your feet firmly on the floor. Its really easy to be swept away. Keep your own life. Go out with the lads and make time to do things for you with the people who are already in your life!
fitnessfan365 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Why are you apologizing to her when she's at fault? If anything she owes you the apology for pulling a 180 in such a cold detached way.
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