Gingersnap Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Is it wrong to regularly flirt with a married coworker? I am also married, but my husband is only home a few days a week. I see it as harmless flirting (I admit I like the attention), but I do have a crush on this guy and have for some time. I sometimes think that if he tried to kiss me, I wouldn't stop him. I have no idea if he feels the same toward me or if he just sees it as a harmless flirtation. We go to lunch together nearly every week, and we talk all the time at work. I've never told my husband that we go to lunch together. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by Gingersnap Is it wrong to regularly flirt with a married coworker? I am also married, but my husband is only home a few days a week. I see it as harmless flirting (I admit I like the attention), but I do have a crush on this guy and have for some time. I sometimes think that if he tried to kiss me, I wouldn't stop him. I have no idea if he feels the same toward me or if he just sees it as a harmless flirtation. We go to lunch together nearly every week, and we talk all the time at work. I've never told my husband that we go to lunch together. I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. You don't feel like you're doing anything wrong... but you don't tell your husband that you go out to lunch with a Guy from work you've got a thing for becaaauusseee... you don't feel like your doing anything wrong See now maybe it's just me... but you started your post with IS it wrong... then you finished with You don't feel you're doing anything wrong... BUT IME when I KNOW I'm doing something wrong.... I don't tell other people what I'm doing because I know it isn't okay. It seems to me that you're justifying what you're doing because you know it isn't okay so you're making up reasons as to why it is... You said your Married BUT your husband is only home a few days... does that mean that your married but since he isn't home a lot all bets are off and now it's okay to do whatever? Honestly it sounds like you've got some issues in the marriage that you should look at and work on with your husband... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gingersnap Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 It's not that I'm trying to justify anything, or that deep down I know it's wrong. I haven't been unfaithful to my husband, and I see nothing wrong with having a friendship with a guy. I suppose the reason I have kept it from my husband is because we share so much together (same friends, etc.) that it's nice to have something that's just mine. Honestly, I don't think anything romantic would ever happen between me and my friend. But it's nice to have the attention of another guy. He's attractive, funny, and we have a lot in common. After being married for more than 10 years, things are very ho-hum at home. That doesn't mean I will cheat, but it also doesn't mean that I should feel invisible to all other guys. Don't be so quick to judge until you've been in my shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Judge... I wasn't judging You asked if it was wrong did you not? I didn't say you are cheating, I didn't say you will cheat. I said it seems to me you have some issues in the marriage... and you've said the marriage is ho hum right? Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 I suppose the reason I have kept it from my husband is because we share so much together (same friends, etc.) that it's nice to have something that's just mine. Honestly, I don't think anything romantic would ever happen between me and my friend. But it's nice to have the attention of another guy. Honestly ask yourself how you would feel if your husband flirted and had a friendship with a female co-worker, but hid it because he didn't want to share what was going on. I'm not being mean here, but look at it from another point of view. Crushes are indulgent fantasies about real people. Everybody has them. Things can get risky when you deliberately form a relationship with that person--either you'll be disillusioned, or you'll become more attracted to them in real life. It sounds like there are issues in your marriage, and this isn't a harmless friendship; it could lead to an emotional affair. Back off from this friendship a little and decide what you really want for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 I see nothing wrong with having a friendship with a guy. There is no such thing as completely harmless flirtation. There is always, always some sexual intent - even if it is very faint - it is still there. You don't flirt with people that you are not attracted to in some way (even minimally) sexually. This guy may not intend to ever get into your pants, but the fact remains: he wants to, or else he wouldn't bother flirting with you. You don't have a 'friendship' with this guy. What you have is "mutual sexual attraction that we call friends so that we can feel less guilty about what we are doing, and fool ourselves into thinking its ok to continue." Friendship is not about sexual yearning and flirting as a way to express it. Just because his penis hasn't entered into your vagina doesn't negate the fact that what you have isn't actual friendship. If it were 'just friends', then there would be ZERO sexual attraction and you would each have no problem sharing every single second of what you are doing and saying to each other with your spouses. Your affair has already started, and the damage is already done. Its not too late to stop the process and try to reverse the damage though. Tell your spouses what you are doing and have done. Set up marriage counseling to pinpoint those things that are causing you to have to find what you are looking for in someone who is not your spouse. You will have to go 'no contact' with each other outside of work, stop sharing lunches, and have no 'non-professional' contact at work. That's the only way to stop this. Should you choose not to stop the affair, then you are allowing it to flourish - and you can try to fool yourself into thinking that it won't, but it will - if not physically then emotionally. You will have each actively and consciously chosen to sabotage your marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Ginger- I was in your position. There is danger written all over this. I was married over 10 years and my husband never stayed at home. I started what I thought was a harmless flirtation with a long time friend. It felt good to get attention from someone else. I ended up having an affair. I won't even get into what happened to me and how nasty it was in this post- but you can look for some more of my posts to see what I'm talking about. Don't do it! You're risking your entire life. It may seem harmless right now, and it did to me too- but you have no idea where this could go. Link to post Share on other sites
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