blueeyedblondie Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 This guy and I are in a friends with benefits relationship, but he has said that it isn't a normal one because we have feelings for each other. We don't want to ruin the friendship we have by getting into a relationship, because we have known each other for over 10 years, and have grown really close and tell each other everything. But I can't help but want a relationship even though I recently got out of a bad one, and made a commitment to not get into a relationship until I knew it would be worth it. Should I keep what we have going, or should I tell him it needs to end? I've already talked to him about the reasons why I would end it. And we both agreed not to be with other people sexually. What should I do?
La.Primavera Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 If you already have feelings for him then sleeping with him will only increase that bond for you. For that reason I would proceed with caution as you likely end up ruining your friendship and getting your heart broken in the process. All the best.
Author blueeyedblondie Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Should I take feelings off the table? And not talk about them anymore? We sometimes talk on the phone for hours just about how we feel about each other. Which complicates things for me, because then I only want a relationship more.
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Should I take feelings off the table? And not talk about them anymore? It won't make any difference. The more you have sex, the more the feelings will grow. We sometimes talk on the phone for hours just about how we feel about each other. Which complicates things for me, because then I only want a relationship more. In talking hours with each other, doesn't he know you want more? If you really want a relationship, stop having sex with him. Then he might miss you and realize you are worthy of having a relationship with vs. just having sex with...
La.Primavera Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I'm not sure what you mean by take feelings off the table? If you have feelings for someone you can't just switch them off and pretend it isn't happening. If you are talking on the phone for hours about your feelings for each other then you aren't in a FWB situation but something else entirely. Be honest with him. Tell him what you really want. 1
joseb Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 In talking hours with each other, doesn't he know you want more? It seems strange that a guy who says he wants a FWB relationship talks for hours on the phone about your feelings. Hell, I wouldn't really want to do that with a fiance! Are you sure he knows what he wants?
yxalitis Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Darling, you ARE in a relationship! What the hell else would you call it? You're way past FWB... Turning a long term friendship into something more is not to be feared, because friendship is at the basis of all successful long-term relationships. Yes, OK, maybe it all end in tears, but more likely you'll wind up marrying and having a great life together...I think that's worth it. 3
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 This guy and I are in a friends with benefits relationship, but he has said that it isn't a normal one because we have feelings for each other. We don't want to ruin the friendship we have by getting into a relationship, because we have known each other for over 10 years, and have grown really close and tell each other everything. But I can't help but want a relationship even though I recently got out of a bad one, and made a commitment to not get into a relationship until I knew it would be worth it. Should I keep what we have going, or should I tell him it needs to end? I've already talked to him about the reasons why I would end it. And we both agreed not to be with other people sexually. What should I do? Basically, every long term relationship goes through a period of being FWB. The period between exclusivity and actual commitment. You are friends having sex with each other as far as I'm concerned. However, it is a little different because there is emotional investment. If a couple wants a loving, caring committed relationship without marrige, they are probably just a step above an FWB because emotions are involved. This works for a lot of couples. Some couples get stuck in exclusivity too. They aren't advancing the relationship to next stages. And usually one or the other gets frustrated by that at some point. Then there's the Quality Casual Guy scenario. He treats the woman like a girlfriend, they are intimate but has no intention of committing, he'll be exclusive and that's it. They do everything together etc for years sometimes. I think this is where the OP is. This guy wants and needs the company of a woman but he doesnt want to be fully invested emotionally. Since you do have strong feelings for this man you will find that at times you are being held at arm's length by him and this will become frustrating and you will feel hurt. I suggest that you do not enter into this. Tell him you have feelings for him and want a committed relationship for yourself.
Author blueeyedblondie Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 We both want more from what we have. I've told him how I feel multiple times. But what's stopping me from really pushing for it is not wanting the relationship to be bad like my last one. The last guy really messed me up. Part of me is scared that maybe I'm just not the girl he wants to choose, and he rather be with someone else. Which is what I'm leaning towards since that is always the case with me. What I mean by taking feelings off the table is to stop talking about them. I've stopped having sex with him before, we didn't talk much or have sex for 4 months, and he missed me. And told me that when I ended it, it was like a break up. We've talked about it not being a usual fwb relationship, and that it's like we're dating just not actually dating. I'm not 100% sure about what he wants at all, all I know is what he tells me, and the way he acts when we're together. He's not constantly trying to get into my pants, and he actually takes me feelings into consideration, way more than I do. I don't normally bother people about how I'm feeling, but he knows when something is wrong even when I don't. I hope that he gives in and wants a relationship because part of me knows it's right.
yxalitis Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 We both want more from what we have. I've told him how I feel multiple times. But what's stopping me from really pushing for it is not wanting the relationship to be bad like my last one. The last guy really messed me up. Part of me is scared that maybe I'm just not the girl he wants to choose, and he rather be with someone else. Which is what I'm leaning towards since that is always the case with me. What I mean by taking feelings off the table is to stop talking about them. I've stopped having sex with him before, we didn't talk much or have sex for 4 months, and he missed me. And told me that when I ended it, it was like a break up. We've talked about it not being a usual fwb relationship, and that it's like we're dating just not actually dating. I'm not 100% sure about what he wants at all, all I know is what he tells me, and the way he acts when we're together. He's not constantly trying to get into my pants, and he actually takes me feelings into consideration, way more than I do. I don't normally bother people about how I'm feeling, but he knows when something is wrong even when I don't. I hope that he gives in and wants a relationship because part of me knows it's right. Never let the fears of past bad relationships stop you from starting a new one (unless you see signs that the person shares some of the damning traits of the old). FAce it, everyone has had their share of crap, but just pick yourself up, wipe of the dust, and move on. And what the heck does "dating but not dating" mean?
Author blueeyedblondie Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 He means that it looks like we're dating and that we act like it. But it's not official. Meaning there's no potential break up. I want to make it official, but what if he doesn't want it to, like if I'm not worth it or enough for him. What if I'm not the girl he wants.
La.Primavera Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I want to make it official, but what if he doesn't want it to Then you won't be stuck in limbo anymore.
Perrier Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 We both want more from what we have. I've told him how I feel multiple times. But what's stopping me from really pushing for it is not wanting the relationship to be bad like my last one. The last guy really messed me up. Part of me is scared that maybe I'm just not the girl he wants to choose, and he rather be with someone else. we didn't talk much or have sex for 4 months, and he missed me. And told me that when I ended it, it was like a break up. Sounds like insecurity and indecision on both sides. OP you cannot take your feelings off the table, they are what they are. Since you're worried about repeating your last r'ship dynamic maybe you should get therapy and not date until you're healed.
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) Should I take feelings off the table? And not talk about them anymore? We sometimes talk on the phone for hours just about how we feel about each other. Which complicates things for me, because then I only want a relationship more. Sweetie, it sounds like you already ARE in a relationship. More than FWBs, that's for sure. HE even admitted that. You have agreed to sexual exclusivity, talk on the phone for hours, discuss your feelings for each other, obviously enjoy spending time together, are great friends......what do you think would change by slapping the "relationship label" on it? What are you hoping would change? If you are looking for some sort of a guarantee that he will be there tomorrow, then even calling what you have a "relationship" won't change that. There are never any guarantees, even in a committed relationship! Basically, everyone is just taking it one day at a time anyway. I hate labels, they mean jack shyt in my book. Can you just enjoy what you have and let things flow and unfold naturally and organically? Is this possible? Edited July 15, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 To add to above. One suggestion I do have though is to stop discussing your feelings so much. And that goes for him to! I mean hours? That is too much. It's overkill and it gets old. Have fun! Enjoy what you have and let things unfold the way they're supposed to.....no pushing. The emotions and feelings are there, you are sexually exclusive....great friendship, that is exactly what I have with my boyfriend of five years! :)
Timshel Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 He means that it looks like we're dating and that we act like it. But it's not official. Meaning there's no potential break up. I want to make it official, but what if he doesn't want it to, like if I'm not worth it or enough for him. What if I'm not the girl he wants. I take this to mean that HE is the one who is resisting calling this a bf/gf relationship? You have made your feelings clear and he is saying let's be everything except....either of us can walk away at any time without feeling we owe each other an explanation. It's called keeping your options open and blue should definitely guard her heart.
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) I take this to mean that HE is the one who is resisting calling this a bf/gf relationship? You have made your feelings clear and he is saying let's be everything except....either of us can walk away at any time without feeling we owe each other an explanation. It's called keeping your options open and blue should definitely guard her heart. blue said HE has made his feelings clear about her too. And they both feel the same way. And even couples who DO call it a "relationship" can walk away at any time without feeling or explanation...... and do just that all the time. If they're married, of course that gets more complicated, but they still do it. There are NEVER any guarantees.....one can "hope" their partner behaves with honesty and integrity, but again one can never be guaranteed of that. Even in committed relationships. Edited July 15, 2015 by katiegrl
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 We both want more from what we have. I've told him how I feel multiple times. But what's stopping me from really pushing for it is not wanting the relationship to be bad like my last one. The last guy really messed me up. Part of me is scared that maybe I'm just not the girl he wants to choose, and he rather be with someone else. Which is what I'm leaning towards since that is always the case with me. What I mean by taking feelings off the table is to stop talking about them. I've stopped having sex with him before, we didn't talk much or have sex for 4 months, and he missed me. And told me that when I ended it, it was like a break up. We've talked about it not being a usual fwb relationship, and that it's like we're dating just not actually dating. I'm not 100% sure about what he wants at all, all I know is what he tells me, and the way he acts when we're together. He's not constantly trying to get into my pants, and he actually takes me feelings into consideration, way more than I do. I don't normally bother people about how I'm feeling, but he knows when something is wrong even when I don't. I hope that he gives in and wants a relationship because part of me knows it's right. But what's stopping me from really pushing for it is not wanting the relationship to be bad like my last one. -- If you're living in fear, you are frozen in time emotionally. There are risks out there and by closing yourself out to protect yourself from all the bad, you are also closing off the good stuff too or potential for the good stuff. You need to get honest with yourself about the type of relationship you want. It sounds to me like you really want a full on commitment, i.e. marriage for yourselves. Do you? What do you want for yourself with someone. Don't stay in limbo if you want a real commitment. And, if you don't want marriage, you need to "define" between each other what commitment means to you. It's a gray area for sure.
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) I take this to mean that HE is the one who is resisting calling this a bf/gf relationship? You have made your feelings clear and he is saying let's be everything except....either of us can walk away at any time without feeling we owe each other an explanation. It's called keeping your options open and blue should definitely guard her heart. blue said HE has made his feelings clear about her too.....and they both feel the same way. He even acknowledged it was not typical FWB (i.e. more than FWB) precisely because there *are* feelings. As well as being emotionally close, sexually exclusive and great friends. In my world, that IS a relationship, even if he or even blue are too scared (for whatever reason) to define it as such. Edited July 15, 2015 by katiegrl
Timshel Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 blue said HE has made his feelings clear about her too.....and they both feel the same way. He even acknowledged it was not typical FWB (i.e. more than FWB) precisely because there *are* feelings. As well as being emotionally close, sexually exclusive and great friends. Right, so what's the problem? In my world, that IS a relationship, even if he or even blue are too scared (for whatever reason) to define it as such. Oh....there it is. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 blue said HE has made his feelings clear about her too.....and they both feel the same way. He even acknowledged it was not typical FWB (i.e. more than FWB) precisely because there *are* feelings. As well as being emotionally close, sexually exclusive and great friends. In my world, that IS a relationship, even if he or even blue are too scared (for whatever reason) to define it as such. She wants him to love her, not just be really good friends with feelings. Guys can care about a woman, they don't always love them or they just think they love them. Either you are best friends or you are lovers. Lovers will want a deeper commitment. Whatever that looks like if they aren't going to marry. She needs to get clear about what she wants, i.e. marriage, for herself or not. Personally, I think this guy doesn't know what he wants -- he knows she wants a deeper commitment and is giving her the illusion that that is what they have, when in fact, it's going to be plain old FWB forever. I think she needs to look more deeply into is past relationships. Dating relationships and family/friend relationships. This guy maybe somewhat EU. They can make it look good because they want and need the company of a woman and know what it takes to keep them but they aren't really all in. This is a very gray area and requires the couple to really get real and honest with themselves and each other. I'm not 100% sure about what he wants at all, -- That's because he isn't sure what he wants . . . Has this guy ever put out "disclaimers"? Disclaimers are safety nets for men who don't know what they want or know that they don't want commitment and know that the woman does. So he'll throw out something like "I don't know what I want", "why do you want a guy like me" (I'm not good enough for you, so you should move on) or "I don't want to hurt you" (he knows he will at some point). That is so that if the woman keeps hanging on to him even though he's giving mixed signals and not being clear, he can say "hey, I told you so, so don't blame me when you get frustrated with things". Think hard about other possible signs here. If you don't know what he wants, he doesn't either and that involves the deeper level of commitment you are seeking. 1
Author blueeyedblondie Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 La.Primavera Then are you saying I should just end it? Perrier Oh, I am a very insecure person, I have gotten better over the years and am way more comfortable with myself now, but I've always been insecure. katiegrl I don't know what will happen if we slap a label on it. I think I'm scared it will change it somehow. I also know some of my guy friends will not like it, because they have feelings for me. What I'm hoping would change is that I will for once know that I've been chosen other than by someone mentally unstable like my ex. I know that there isn't a guarantee he will be there tomorrow, nor is there a guarantee that I will be. I just want to know that I was worth it to possibly risk our friendship. And I plan to talk to him about not discussing our feelings so much. Timshel I think we are both resisting calling it a bf/gf relationship a little. Do you think I could be being used? I know not for sex, but just as someone to be there for him? And I always guard my heart, everyone who knows me knows that I'm not someone to mess with. He knows that too, which is maybe why he doesn't want us to end up breaking up, because he knows it won't be the same between us? He has a right to think that, but I have become friends with an ex I dated in high school after he cheated on me, granted I wasn't very emotionally invested, but it can happen I always forgive and forget. But that would mean him and I would be strictly friends. Redhead14 I definitely don't plan on getting married anytime soon I'm in my early 20's. I guess I just want to know that he's mine, that sounds like a crazy person. I don't want to go around telling people he's mine, I just want to know that he is. But even that is too much to ask for. For me commitment is just a little more than we already have. I don't really like the idea of having to talk to each other every day or see each other all the time. I want to do more with him, like go on trips or have him over at my family parties. And possibly move in together. katiegrl You are totally understanding this. I think he might be scared because his last serious gf totally left him out of the blue and now shes engaged. Do you think that's a red flag? I'm scared a bit because I don't know if I'm good enough, I've never been broken up with before and it would incredibly suck if he was the first one to do that. Redhead14 I do want him to love me. Am I crazy to feel like he does? Or am I just reading too much into it all? We don't just meet up to have sex and then leave. We spend actual time with each other, and we do things other than have sex. Should I end it if it seems like we will just be fwb forever? He has never put out any disclaimers like that. Mostly just ones we are both thinking like the fact that we don't want to lose what we have as friends. We tell each other everything, he knows what goes on in my life, he knows what my ambitions are and what I want to do with my life.
GooseChaser Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) Maybe you guys have what you could call a form of open relationship. Does anyone agree? If it's like a relationship but not in the strictest sense of the word and people aren't exclusive? Anyway, if you're not okay with what the relationship status is-- and it sounds like you're not-- you should definitely communicate and get that worked out with him. Whatever happens, thing will work out for the best. Good luck. Edited July 15, 2015 by GooseChaser
katiegrl Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Maybe you guys have what you could call a form of open relationship. Does anyone agree? If it's like a relationship but not in the strictest sense of the word and people aren't exclusive? Anyway, if you're not okay with what the relationship status is, you should definitely communicate and get that worked out with him. Whatever happens, thing will work out for the best. Good luck. But she has stated that ARE exclusive..... so no I don't agree. I think they are IN a relationship, but both too afraid to define it as such. I mean it's got all the makings of a "real" relationship. Emotionally bonded and close, have strong feelings for each other which they discuss regularly, share everything with each other, sexually exclusive, enjoy spending time together, a strong friendship, trust.... Is that not what a relationship IS? It's what I and my boyfriend have. Only difference is, we are not afraid to define it as a relationship. I dunno, I can't speak for blu....just my opinion based on what she's posted....but perhaps I am missing something. I just think if they could both get over their respective fears of what being in a relationship means, everything would be great. Every couple defines their relationship differently..... but what they have sounds solid IMO. Just without the title (per se).
GooseChaser Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 But she has stated that ARE exclusive..... so no I don't agree. I think they are IN a relationship, but both too afraid to define it as such. Ah okay, I guess I didn't read closely enough. Sorry. :] I don't really have much to add at the moment then.
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