Girlfriend broke up after 13 years

[jonesey0]

Hi.

 

I would like to know some opinions on what has happened to my life in the last three months.

We were in a relationship for 13 years, we were best friends, best lovers, our families loved us and were very close.

We always got along great, and never separated during all this time.

We lived together for the past 5 years, and we have a small dog (chihuahua) which is like a son to both of us.

I gave her a engagement ring one year ago, and we had plans to marry next year.

Early this year, i noticed that she was becoming more distant, and i couldnt do anything to change that, and i tried everything.

She said she wasn't feeling good, that she was unhappy, maybe she had a depression.

Three months ago, we had i little argument, and i asked what is going on, and she said she doesnt know what she feels about me anymore.

I was devastated, and she left our house the following day.

She left me the dog, but took everything else she had, making me think that she had this on her mind for some time.

 

 

In the week after the breakup i tried to make her come back, but never begged or humiliated myself.

She told me she felt like we were just friends, not boyfriends, and that she lost feelings for me.

She changed her addresses imediately, and even asked me to get her out of the mobile contract we had.

 

 

I later found out through mutual friends that she had an interest in a guy who works with her, that he used to flirt with her, and that she was very confused about her feelings.

I know for a fact now that things didnt work out with that guy, that she didnt even went for a coffee with him, because he got back to his ex-girlfriend right after we broke.

 

In the first two months after the breakup, we had limited contact via text, almost exclusively about our dog, which stayed with me.

 

In that time, she called to wish me a happy birthday and i did the same to her, and even all her family called me that day. Her family thinks she is doing the worst mistake of her life.

 

She even called my mother on Easter, wishing her a Happy Easter and for all our family.

 

About a month ago, she asked me if she could see the dog, and i agreed. She came, played a little with the dog, and then we talked for about 1 hour about what we have been doing, our families, vacations and other matters.

She was very friendly and even opened up a bit about things in her life that are bothering her. She said goodbye and gave me two kisses.

A week after that, i posted a photo on facebook of our dog, and she liked it. First time that happenned since we broke up.

A few hours later, she asked if she could see the dog again, and i took the dog to her house. She stayed with it for 30 minutes, and then called me to go get her. I got the feeling she wasnt interested in being with the dog, but with me.

I asked her to go get some coffee, but she said this wasnt the best ime, since she was in her parents house, where she lives now.

Later some mutual friends told me she wanted to get coffee with me, but not in our parents town (our parents live in the same small town, 500m from each other).

 

From mutual friends, i know she is sad, she wants to go out but all her friends are married/have kids and dont go with her, that she has trouble sleeping and has lost a lot of weight.

 

She told them that she wants me to move on, but also said that when she sees me with another girl she will know that she did the worst mistake of her life.

 

She says im her closest and more important friend, but that she doesnt feel in love with me, at the moment.

 

I talked to her yesteday to wish her niece a happy birthday, and she was very happy to talk to me, sent me kisses and was generally very pleasent, like she has been acting lately.

 

We haven't talked anything about the relationship during these three months, and contact is initiated by both of us, almost always regarding the dog.

 

I don't want to lose her, she is my special person and the woman i want to spend my life together, and i know deep inside that she feels the same.

 

I think she is very confused, and doesnt know what she wants from her life.

 

We're both about 30 years old now, and the next year would be the year we would take the next step - marriage, kids, buy a new house.

 

Sorry about the long text, but i simply dont know what to do.

I'm afraid to push her away for good if i bring the relationship talk, but at the same time i just cant keep on pretending we havent been 13 very happy years together.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

Thanks in advance

[casey.lives]

he hasn't stopped coming around.. be happy. savor it. you don't need to control everything. member :journey not destination

[mightycpa]

I think maybe you could stand to do something like take a month off and go somewhere. Ask her to take care of the dog, and lock your place up tight and just go, for a change of scenery, a change of company and maybe a change of mind and heart, or maybe to just clear your head without distraction, and allow you to think and prepare for the future.

 

I would suggest that during that time, you only respond to contact from your parents, and maybe request that they leave you alone during that time, unless it is a dire emergency. I also wouldn't tell your GF anything either, just that you're going away for a while, and you need her to watch the dog.

 

While it may not be what you WANT to do, I think the healthy thing for you to do is to prepare yourself in case the outcome is that you don't live your life with this woman. Nothing will happen in a month that wouldn't have happened anyway, so don't worry that you'll be seen as abandoning her, and that this will be the cause of her deciding that it won't work. She's already left, so that horse is out of the barn already. You can't really convince her to stay, she's got to decide that on her own.

[ravfour4]

I enjoyed reading your story although I'm sorry for all the heartache you're facing. I feel like my story is somewhat similar and just posted a summary of it in the "6 months out" thread. It makes me wonder if I should have kept the friendly contact going, I was worried about being friendzoned. Unlike your story though my ex moved onto someone else instantly

[Chi townD]

Well, Sounds like that she got interested in someone else that she worked with and she decided to give him and chance and kick you to the curb. The only thing she didn't count on is that guy that she was flirting with to get into a relationship with his Ex. So she got left out in the cold. However, she's not stupid. She knows you learned about all of this. So, there's one thing about women. They are NEVER wrong. They might be mistaken, but they are never wrong. And they have a lot of pride to admit they were wrong. Therefore, she might have admitted to herself that you two were wrong for each other if she felt an attraction to another guy. Nevermind that she got emotionally invested in another guy and she ALLOWED that to happen. She did nothing to safeguard her relationship to you.

 

 

So, she may not want to come back out of guilt and pride.

[frigginlost]

Well, Sounds like that she got interested in someone else that she worked with and she decided to give him and chance and kick you to the curb. The only thing she didn't count on is that guy that she was flirting with to get into a relationship with his Ex. So she got left out in the cold. However, she's not stupid. She knows you learned about all of this. So, there's one thing about women. They are NEVER wrong. They might be mistaken, but they are never wrong. And they have a lot of pride to admit they were wrong. Therefore, she might have admitted to herself that you two were wrong for each other if she felt an attraction to another guy. Nevermind that she got emotionally invested in another guy and she ALLOWED that to happen. She did nothing to safeguard her relationship to you.

 

 

So, she may not want to come back out of guilt and pride.

 

Boom! Nailed it!

 

OP, do as Mighty has said and take some time for yourself. Don't concern yourself with how she will react. Live for you a little bit right now and let things play out...

[jonesey0]

Thanks for all your input.

 

Knowing her as i do, i think that comment about her not coming back due to guilt or pride is correct, since i don't think she would be able to admit that story to me.

 

She said some friend she wants to be the person she was before she was with me (15 year old?!?), and that i am the most important person in her life, and her best friend ever.

 

I've not contacted her in two weeks, and two days ago she sent another text for a meeting for her to see the dog. I replied two hours later saying i was on vacation (wish i was), and she replied right away wishing good holidays and kisses, and that we'll arrange something when i got back.

 

I honestly can't believe she thinks be can be friends right away, and disregard everything we had together, without even talking about the relationship and try to change things.

 

I sincerely don't know how to act, if i should go after her, if i should stop contacting her (which i am doing now, i only respond to her)....

 

I'm starting to feel hopeless regarding getting her back..

[NopeNah]

Thanks for all your input.

 

Knowing her as i do, i think that comment about her not coming back due to guilt or pride is correct, since i don't think she would be able to admit that story to me.

 

She said some friend she wants to be the person she was before she was with me (15 year old?!?), and that i am the most important person in her life, and her best friend ever.

 

I've not contacted her in two weeks, and two days ago she sent another text for a meeting for her to see the dog. I replied two hours later saying i was on vacation (wish i was), and she replied right away wishing good holidays and kisses, and that we'll arrange something when i got back.

 

I honestly can't believe she thinks be can be friends right away, and disregard everything we had together, without even talking about the relationship and try to change things.

 

I sincerely don't know how to act, if i should go after her, if i should stop contacting her (which i am doing now, i only respond to her)....

 

I'm starting to feel hopeless regarding getting her back..

Stop responding to her..

[lil hoodlum]

So sorry you are having to go through all of this.

 

 

I honestly didn't need to read your story, I did though, to know that she left you for someone else.

 

 

I also agree with Simon and mightCPA. Put yourself and your needs first at this time. Your healing from this devestation should be one of your top priorities and your ex isn't someone who can help you with this.

[ravfour4]

Agree with the other posters, but the kisses seem like a decent sign. She may just be using the dog as an excuse to see you and you as an emotional crutch until she meets someone else, my ex did both of these, well...she used me as a crutch until she went back to the married fool and then as a temporary crutch after they "ended" things (can't really trust anything she says anymore).

 

You're at a tough spot. You're either being friend zoned in a totally cruel way or being used temporarily until she finds someone new OR she's slowly growing feelings for you. You could flat out ask, but that may diminish the feelings that have been growing. You could just go with the flow, but that could end in terrible pain. You're in a predicament. One thing you can do is pay attention to her actions rather than her words, see how she acts around you, does she touch you and look you in the eye and kiss you? If so, things may be looking good. Focusing on yourself is the best plan though regardless of what happens.

[jonesey0]

The last time we were together (about 5 weeks ago) she was very friendly, looked me in the eyes, gave me two kisses when we said goodbye and put her hand behind my back.

 

All the time we were talking she was very loose, kinda in a flirty way, and we were talking and smoking for about 45 minutes.

 

But since then, we haven't had much contact. I don't know if she expects me to do something, to contact her, if i should do something...

 

I'm going to be with her today, maybe i should ask her to go grab a coffee and catch up?

 

I need to talk to her about what i think i have done wrong, apologise for my mistakes...and see how she reacts.

 

But i don't know if the timing is right for that. I feel i have to do something, or we will continue to distance ourselves.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks

[lil hoodlum]

I need to talk to her about what i think i have done wrong, apologise for my mistakes...and see how she reacts.

 

 

 

Please, I really hope that you don't do this, at least not now.

 

 

I fear that doing this shows your hand to early. I believe she allready knows how you feel about her and likely knows you want to work things out with her.

 

She walked away from you, left you for someone else, and wasn't honest about what was really going on. She tried to pull the wool over your eyes and here you are thinking about talking to her about what you think you did wrong and then apologising?

[mightycpa]

The last time we were together (about 5 weeks ago) she was very friendly, looked me in the eyes, gave me two kisses when we said goodbye and put her hand behind my back.

 

All the time we were talking she was very loose, kinda in a flirty way, and we were talking and smoking for about 45 minutes.

 

But since then, we haven't had much contact. I don't know if she expects me to do something, to contact her, if i should do something...

 

I'm going to be with her today, maybe i should ask her to go grab a coffee and catch up?

 

I need to talk to her about what i think i have done wrong, apologise for my mistakes...and see how she reacts.

 

But i don't know if the timing is right for that. I feel i have to do something, or we will continue to distance ourselves.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks

Yeah, don't do that. She will not react in any meaningful way to restore your relationship based on that.

 

The bottom line is that it is one of two things with this girl. Either:

 

1) She does love you but she's unhappy with some aspect of you and has decided she can't live with that the way you do it

 

or

 

2) She does not love you, in which case whatever actions drove her there, it is too late to recover from it, unless and until her feelings for you resurface. There is no way for you to hasten that.

 

If you're going to tell her anything, it should simply be that right now, you want to reconcile/rekindle, but that you need to hear the plain and simple truth. Once you hear it, either you're back in, or you need to get out of your mindset as quickly as you can.

 

If you're a changed man in six months, and she changes her mind in a year, then I'd have to say tough titties for her. You have to do what's best for you, just like she's doing. It's not going to be easy for you, but nobody is going to look out for you if you don't.

[jonesey0]

I believe i took her for granted, and kinda let myself go the last couple of months. Maybe that pushed her away.

 

I am now in the shape of my life, everyone says i look ten years younger, have a great and well paid job, bought a new car, and have been on vacation three times since we broke up.

 

But i simply cant get her out of my mind. I really love this woman, and i know for sure shes the one i want to spend my life with.

I was with her just minutes ago and her parents were there too, and it felt like we were still a couple, at least from her parents reaction towards me.

 

She looked sad looking at me, and i was completely at ease with her and her parents.

 

I think i will continue to wait for her to come along, and never initiate contact with her, like ive been doing lately.

[lil hoodlum]

Look buddy, we all make mistakes like take others for granted sometimes or we get comfortable in relationships and let ourselves go a little bit.

 

 

Questions for you.

 

Did she ever tell you that she felt you were taking her for granted?

Did she ever bring up the topic that maybe you have let yourself go?

 

 

I am betting she didn't. Instead she stayed quiet and distant from you and then just walked away from you.

 

 

You said that you noticed early this year she became distant and you couldn't do anything to change that and you tried everything. Did she try everything in her power to rectify anything? Did she talk to you about any of her cocerns or issues that she may have had with you?

[54JA]

I could be totally wrong, but it is possible that when she had a thing going on with the guy, she began questioning her "romantic" love for you. She probably felt a physical attraction for this guy, and had a trouble reconciling her "love" for you and her attraction to him, leading her to conclude (accurately or erroneously, we don't know) that she is no longer in love with you. She may have been puzzled, wondering why it was possible for her to be physically attracted to this guy while having loving feelings for you. Regardless of what happened with the guy/regardless of how big/small her attraction to him was, she may have felt compelled to deal with this question. I don't know how strong her attraction to this guy was, but it likely made her question about her decision to marry you. She might believe that, unless she is madly in love with the man, she shouldn't marry the guy. She might believe that if one is attracted to a person other than her fiance, then she's really not in love with the fiance.

 

I had a friend like this. She was with a guy, a really nice guy, for many years, but she wasn't too crazy about his physical appearance. She tried to make it work with him because he was such a sweet, wonderful guy. I thought he was perfect for her. She definitely love him very much. He was certainly her best friend, but in the end, it did not work out. He broke up with her. It has been many years since they broke up, but she still cares about him very much, loves him very much, and still feels very guilty about not being attracted to him physically/being shallow.

 

I am not saying that your ex didn't find you attractive, or stop finding you attractive. She probably did in the beginning, and may be she still does. But her heart did wonder a bit, and it probably scared her. Some women (definitely not all) have low tolerance for things like that, and it tends to be all or nothing (him and him only; nobody else). Others, like myself, have a small crush here and there (mostly silly little celebrity crushes) but are able to dismiss them as such without questioning their love for their SOs. Especially if you have treated her well in the past, it's entirely possible for her to still deeply care about you and feel the connection without being in love with you. She probably feels extremely guilty because she is no longer head-over-heals in love with you like she feels she should.

[jonesey0]

She said a friend that she could never be with me while thinking of another person. That it wasn't fair to me, that i didnt deserve that.

And that's why i think she broke up.

 

She did mention sometimes that i should get in better shape, get a new haircut, and that sort of stuff.

 

Now i have done all of those things and some more and i'm looking great, but maybe its too late.

 

Another thing i think had its influence was the marriage.

 

We we're engaged for 1 year, and i kept saying that it wasn't the right time for us to marry, maybe we should wait another year.

 

She also wanted to move to a new house (we lived in one that belongs to my family), and i kept postponing that, saying that it wasn't the right time.

 

Maybe she felt our relationship was frozen. And that was my fault.

 

How can i make things right? We have so much in common, we never had a fight or anything like that all the time we were together. We were really soulmates. We loved eachother very much, throughout all our relationship.

 

I just wish she can see that, and give us another chance.