She's talking smack about me, and I still can't bring myself to despise her...

[ForsakenSoul]

Man, today's been rough... I've been thinking about my recent ex far too much, and it's been really difficult to handle.

 

My ex has a livejournal, which I am trying to quit reading, but keep getting drawn back to, like some sort of addict.

 

I treated the woman the best I know how, and it wasn't enough.

 

And now, in her journal, she's talking smack about me, and I don't know how to deal. She is saying she "Tried to make the relationship work" with me, but I was just too paranoid. She is saying that I needed to be around her 24/7, and while, yes I did like to talk to her whenever I could it wasn't 24/7.

 

She's getting back together with the ex that treated her like garbage for 12 years. Her and I were in a relationship for about 4 months, after knowing each other for 3 years.

 

The thing is, I want to talk to her, and call her on the **** she's saying. She never "tried" at all. She blew me off after the husband came back into her life, and she did it very coldly and callously, without ANY regard for my feelings.

 

It just hurts so much, when I was the one that made her so happy after he left, to have her feeling so negatively about me, when I did nothing to her except love her with all my soul...

 

I want to be over this so bad... It's only been a month... I want her back, I miss her, and it tears me up that I still do, because I know she has problems she needs therapy for. She treated me like crap, and if we were destined to be together, then we would still be...

 

I keep thinking ok, she's gotten back with her husband 6 times now. He'll screw up again, and I can swoop in and try to get back together with her. I know that's a horrible thing to think, and I know it's wrong, but god dammit my brain and my heart are so incredibly conflicted.

 

The pain is mostly gone, but it welled up very strongly today.

 

I wish I wasn't so emotionally weak. All my friends keep saying, dude you got out lucky, without having to support her, or her kids, but dammit, I loved that woman, and I sure wanted a future with her, even with her two kids.

 

This is so very hard. I haven't emailed her at all or anything since I last spoke to her, and found out the relationship was over, and there was no chance on getting back together. She unblocked me from AIM about 2 weeks ago, for 10 minutes. I was hoping she'd want to talk, but she didn't.

 

She's obviously made a complete and total cut of me from her life. Why the bloody hell do I keep hanging on?

 

-FS

[dibdab]

It just hurts so much, when I was the one that made her so happy after he left

 

 

You are better of without her, it does seem like she used you to get back at her ex. All the stuff she is writing in the journal is her way of making the relationship break up your fault, when really she is trying to ease her conscience about using you. She seems a little like my ex in that everything was blamed on me, but luckily for me i have wised up to the fact and will not let her f*** with my head anymore. You need to do the same. See her for what she is, not a very nice person, to you at least . Stop reading the journal and block and delete her from Aim and anywhere else that you can see what she is doing. Trust me it is the best thing you can do.

[faux]

I agree with DibDab. Cutting this woman out of your life, and blinding your eyes to her is only going to help you. It is the best thing you can do.

 

I'm glad you haven't phoned her. Phoning, e-mailing, TXT-ing, or IM-ing her is just going to make everything harder on you. Reading what lies she spouts about you can not possibly make this situation easier on you.

 

I have had two exes who wrote and verbally communicated horrible lies about me. Now I know that they were lies, and never really mattered; they did not ruin my life, and it was clear to others that the exes were bad people.

[cvann]

ya know.. it's crazy.. why can't the really good people.. love and meet other really good people? I don't know..I think that you were in her life to show her what real love was and to let her know that there were alternatives to the crap that she keeps going back to. She is trying to ease the pain of the breakup by blaming you..b/c she feels guilty.. and she knows that you treated her good.. but..she doesn't love herself b/c she is settling with less than..but..you always want and love what and who is not good for you.. so yeah.. I feel you and I KNOWWWW where you are right now.

[No Foolin]

order of this evening is to get through the night.

 

Your a dude so I would think you have a playstation. Get a real violent game and kick the sh*t out of it. You obviously have a computer so I would suggest hooking you some free java games, ugotgames.com rocks. If you don't want to do that, read some thing light. No TV however (plots of some of those shows will f**k up your mind)......THe key for this evening is to numb the brain, cool??

 

No Foolin

[my_manda]

Not to be nosy....but how the hell do you know what she is writing in her journal?.....perhaps too this is something else to ponder......the woman has gone back to her husband of twelve years six times....Brad Pitt himself could not keep her away from this man. Spend tonight thinking of a way to meet someone who did not spend over a decade MARRIED to someone who she returns to. HOW HE TREATS HER IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM....REPEAT THIS, UNTIL you care enough to get dressed, get out there, and find someone who appreciates the fact that you know how to respect a woman!

 

[ForsakenSoul]

I know what she's writing because it's an online livejournal account.

 

It would be so much easier to get over her if it wasn't so damn easy to see how she's doing. I know I need to be my own strength in this, and NOT LOOK... She lives 80 miles south, and if she wasn't online, this would be SOOO much easier to get through. But it's too damn easy. Click-click-typey-click and there I am again, wallowing in freakish misery.

 

I looked again this morning, damn me for a bloody fool...

 

I'm getting through this, and DAMN what a LOT of lessons learned.

 

- Don't get involved with a woman going through a divorce, who's husband left HER

- Don't get involved QUICKLY with ANYONE

- Hold back the majority of your SELF, until your sure the OTHER person in the relationship is WORTHY of YOU

- Don't make the other person your world

 

There are other girls in my life, but I'm just NOT attracted to them, not interesting in romance with them, not interested in "wooing" them.

 

I keep comparing any female I consider a "possibility" to her.

 

I keep looking for women that look like her.

 

I keep looking for women that act like her.

 

I STILL want to email her, and try to work something out, even though I know we're probably beyond reconciliation. She ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it with her patent leather stilleto boots. I should despise her for the way she treated me, and all I want is to hear her laughter again, see her smile again, feel her touch again. She seems to be less happy now, and I know she's probably destined for great unhappiness in the future. The vindictive side of me says "I hope she's miserable again" but the caring man in me says "I want her to be happy, whatever it takes".

 

I wrote a long letter in MY journal, that was pretty much to her. I doubt she'll read it, but it was good to get it out. I should probably not even acknowledge her in my journal, so if she does look, it doesn't inflate her ego.

 

"I would have taken care of you, I would've made you feel loved till your dying days, I would've loved you unconditionally until mine. I would've support you and helped you and pushed you to excel through everything in life... I would've been there to play with, and guide, and teach your boys, whenever I could. I just wanted your love, and to love you." Blah blah blah.

 

She's going on now about how she missed the early days with her husband, and how they "used to be"... I want to tell her, you can't live in the past, but I'd just be a hypocrite, for I miss the early days with her, and how we "used to be".

 

Letting go of her has been the hardest thing I've ever tried to accomplish.

 

I still love her, and I hate myself for doing so.

 

I pray to the powers that be for strength. I know this will make me a better person, and a better man, in the long run. My heart is callousing, and covered with a thick layer of jade.

 

I want to get past this feeling of wanting her back. I want to NOT want her anymore. She meant so very much to me, and I miss her so much. I keep looking in her journal, I guess, for a sign of weakness, or a sign of wanting to be with me again. We had so much potential, and it was just thrown away. She posted a song a day after I did. I posted Damage Plan's "New Found Power" lyrics, and the next morning, she posted The Smiths - I Know it's Over. I think she may have been thinking about me with these lyrics, but maybe she was thinking about her husband. I SHOULDN'T EVEN CARE!

 

One thing this relationship falling apart has done for me, was give me a HUGE drive to get super fit, healthy, learn to cook, do more coffee house acoustic performances, and get OUT more. I'm an out of shape bigger dude, and I want to get cut and buffed up, and just be like HA HA HA look what YOU threw away. Vindictive, I know, but it's in my scorpio nature. Indeed I have grasped upon "New Found Power". Success is the best vengeance ever.

 

Thanks for reading and responding. It makes me feel a lot better to have some other compassionate souls feel for my plight.

 

Much love.

 

-FS

[my_manda]

There you go...hit the gym and work out your frustration...get in some cardio, get out your guitar. I had no idea about online journals, but if you fear she will check yours then write the following" i am so busy with my life lately that I do not have time to write". This one phrase says it all. As for wanting her to be happy. I always hear people say they want their former flame to be happy, lets get real here together.....that is BS! We want them to be happy, after we are....human nature my friend. So you think she is not happy, I never believed that what comes around goes around, then I waited and watched and learned. Her time will come, you need not grow hard in heart, or try to extract some sort of revenge, in good time the Golden Rule " Do unto others as you would have done unto you" seems to come back like karma

[cvann]

I thought that I was the only scorpio that thought that way.. lol.. yeah.. I have lost a lot of weight.. and feel and look good..so yeah.. just to do something for yourself is amazing.. and next time they do see you.. you're not even thinking about wanting to be w/them..you're thinking.. HELL YEAH..I LOOK GOOD..!