Anyone good with reading people?

[CristinaAnne92]

I posted something before on here. But I guess I'm just having trouble understanding how my ex can do this to me.

 

When he started dating he was extremely depressed and a alcoholic. I pulled him out of it and helped him get a part time job. Within five months he was promoted to fill time... I always supported him and cheered him on. Hes 27 and lives at his mom's still. We had plans to move out together in September. We dated for a year and a half. But just last month he broke up with me. It seemed so random. He said he was feeling werid for a month. And fought the feeling but then he couldn't take it anymore. Be said he fell out of love with me. And he wants to go meet new people do new things and figure some things out. He said if its ment to be it will be. But right now he wasn't happy with the relationship. We didn't have a bad relationship. In fact it was one of the most passionate relationships I've ever been in. I also knew a of his ex girlfriends. And none of them have been real "go getters" we were best friends for 4 years before we started dating. But now he acts like we barely even know each other. He said he wants a few weeks of space and then we can try to be friends again.... I feel so lonely and lost. And I miss the bond we had so much. I have a lot of people saying not to talk to him and he'll realize he needs me more then I need him. And that he'll regret it because I was the best thing to ever happen to him.... I was always really good to him. I just feel lost.

 

I haven't talked to him in about a week. I had a hard time a few weeks after we broke up cutting contact... I've been going out with my friends 1-2xs a week and meeting new people. Its just the spark isn't there like it was with him. I was really in love with his personality. With just him. I never wanted to change anything about him...

Edited July 14, 2015 by CristinaAnne92

[d0nnivain]

I told you this last time you asked: You can't "fix" people.

 

Sadly he has concluded he's not good enough for you. There is nothing you can do to dissuade him of that notion.

 

You need to find a way to go on. I suggested you get a job at a different catering place.

[Itspointless]

He probably is commitment-phobic. It also seems that he loves to chase and take, but runs when he feels like losing control and when he is pushed taking responsibility.

[CristinaAnne92]

I told you this last time you asked: You can't "fix" people.

 

Sadly he has concluded he's not good enough for you. There is nothing you can do to dissuade him of that notion.

 

You need to find a way to go on. I suggested you get a job at a different catering place.

 

He got cut from the catering place last week, so he's not there anymore. I'm just having a hard time. Because I treated someone so well and helped them achieve things they thought they couldn't and now this? I don't think he thinks I'm too good for him. I think he thinks now that he's working full time etc... He can do better

[CristinaAnne92]

He probably is commitment-phobic. It also seems that he loves to chase and take, but runs when he feels like losing control and when he is pushed taking responsibility.

 

Possibly. I've been told that before as well... My mom thinks he's a 22 year old stuck in a 27 year olds body...

[d0nnivain]

Whatever, he made a decision that he didn't want to date you. If you were nothing but kind to you, he's a cad for dumping you. Why would you want a cad back?

 

If the catering place still reminds you of all the happy times, the flirting, the stolen moments & it's making you sad to be there, changing to make yourself feel better still won't be a bad choice.

[jen1447]

He got cut from the catering place last week, so he's not there anymore. I'm just having a hard time. Because I treated someone so well and helped them achieve things they thought they couldn't and now this? I don't think he thinks I'm too good for him. I think he thinks now that he's working full time etc... He can do better

 

You're doing the "it's not fair" thing. It is indeed not fair, but you didn't love him and help him as some sort of business deal, right? That means that despite his debt to you, he still has the prerogative of moving on, just like you do.

[Chi townD]

I'm pretty good at reading people and I think I have a handle on not only him, but you as well.

 

 

See, you found someone down on his luck with no motivation in life, living at home and not doing what he's supposed to be doing. But, you saw something in him. Potential. And you worked with him and got him on his feet again.

 

 

But, with all relationships, it's a give and take. But, that goes both ways. I think you were giving and all he did was take. Now, don't get me wrong, he probably was saying and doing all the right things to keep you around. To keep you interested so you would continue to pull him out of the hole he was in with very little effort from him. And when you got him out of that hole and got him employed again. Well, once you served your purpose, he kicked you to the curb. And you stated that one day he'll realize that he needs me more than I need him. And you're right. I mean, didn't you just write that he LOST the catering job you got him? He'll start spiraling down to that same hole he was in and he'll manipulate you to get him back out.

 

 

But, do you really deserve that? Or do you deserve a guy that puts as much into the relationship as you do. That considers himself your equal and partner in life. That will support you just as much as you support him. That will make you feel that he's proud to call you his girl. This guys isn't it. This dude is a leach. Trust me there ARE guys out there that know how to treat a woman. Don't worry about this idiot and find someone else that will give as much as he takes.

[CristinaAnne92]

I'm pretty good at reading people and I think I have a handle on not only him, but you as well.

 

 

See, you found someone down on his luck with no motivation in life, living at home and not doing what he's supposed to be doing. But, you saw something in him. Potential. And you worked with him and got him on his feet again.

 

 

But, with all relationships, it's a give and take. But, that goes both ways. I think you were giving and all he did was take. Now, don't get me wrong, he probably was saying and doing all the right things to keep you around. To keep you interested so you would continue to pull him out of the hole he was in with very little effort from him. And when you got him out of that hole and got him employed again. Well, once you served your purpose, he kicked you to the curb. And you stated that one day he'll realize that he needs me more than I need him. And you're right. I mean, didn't you just write that he LOST the catering job you got him? He'll start spiraling down to that same hole he was in and he'll manipulate you to get him back out.

 

 

But, do you really deserve that? Or do you deserve a guy that puts as much into the relationship as you do. That considers himself your equal and partner in life. That will support you just as much as you support him. That will make you feel that he's proud to call you his girl. This guys isn't it. This dude is a leach. Trust me there ARE guys out there that know how to treat a woman. Don't worry about this idiot and find someone else that will give as much as he takes.

 

 

Thank you for all that. There is a little confusion though. I met him at the catering job. He was 27 living at home working only weekends at a banquet hall. I'm 5 years younger then him. I met him at the catering job. I wanted to show him he could do more with his life. So I helped him get a part time job and home depot. 5 months later he got promoted to full time at the pro desk. He stayed at the catering job only on Sundays after this. But yes he just lost the catering job. I know I don't deserve that. And I know I deserve better. I am a honor student at college and a personal trainer on the side. I've lost 50+ lbs and I think I've accomplished more on my own then most. I guess I just miss our bond. Even the friendship was one of the best. Its like having someone you tell everything to.. I was with him for almost 2 years and he broke up with me and seemed over it in 3 weeks. Idk how he feels at home when he's alone. I don't think he tells anyone his true feelings except his mother. Who honestly I don't think she wanted the relationship to work because she loves having control of everything. I'm trying really hard to move on. And I thought he was an amazing person which is why I wanted to show him there was more to life then sitting at home and getting wasted then working some banquet hall job on weekends...but I'm slowly working on it.

[Ariadne]

I guess I'm just having trouble understanding how my ex can do this to me..

 

After reading this thread, the impression I get is very simple.

 

This guy is happy with his situation at home, living with his mother and having few responsabilities.

 

He is not interested in getting a full-time job, renting a place, and moving in with you. He might have said that, but when time came to follow through it all fell apart.

 

I can see why this is frustrating to you. Hope you feel better soon.

[Zapbasket]

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry. It really sucks when you invest so hard in someone and in a relationship and they don't value what you offer them. But here's the thing--a lesson I'm trying to learn myself:

 

A RELATIONSHIP PARTNER IS NOT A PROJECT. They're a partner. Which means that like you, they're shouldering most of the burden in moving themselves along in life, and you need only to cheer them on. You, on the other hand, went far beyond being a support and cheerleader and pushed your partner to hold values and motivations that perhaps on his own, he does not have. The desire to succeed, to make more of oneself, has to come from within. Especially in adulthood, no one can inculcate that in us. We each choose our inspiration; people cannot work to inspire us unless WE acquiesce to the inspiration. See what I'm saying? Many people know full well there's more for them out there, but they're pretty much content to stay exactly where they are. It sounds like this was the case with your boyfriend. Possibly he left you because he realized the relationship with you would have him constantly working to better himself, when he had no motivation towards such an aim left to his own devices. He didn't want to do the work.

 

I feel for you because I know how confusing that is. After all, don't we all want to become better, to grow as individuals, to grow our lives into an ever widening circle of meaningful responsibility? Sadly, we DON'T all want that. And even more sadly (and confusingly), a majority of us WANT to grow as much as we DON'T want to grow: we hate the discomfort of the unknown. And, many people hate being shown the "less" they've chosen to be.

 

I've been where you are and it never stops being baffling. But you have to remind yourself, as in ChiTown's excellent post above, that you deserve someone with his own motivation to succeed, who cherishes you for YOU beyond whatever things you do for him. Your ex is very lucky to have had you in his life to help him get his sh*t together...but YOU deserve someone who comes to you with his sh*t already together. Again: PARTNER, not PROJECT.

[Chi townD]

 

I've been where you are and it never stops being baffling. But you have to remind yourself, as in ChiTown's excellent post above, that you deserve someone with his own motivation to succeed, who cherishes you for YOU beyond whatever things you do for him. Your ex is very lucky to have had you in his life to help him get his sh*t together...but YOU deserve someone who comes to you with his sh*t already together. Again: PARTNER, not PROJECT.

 

 

I agree with everything. But, you also shouldn't discount a guy that may not have all of his sh*t together, but after meeting you, he finds the motivation to better himself because he wants to be the guy you deserve. You know, the "You make me want to be a better person' phrase.

[CristinaAnne92]

Thank you for everything everyone has said. I'm sitting at home basically in tears right now. On the idea he'll never come back. And I know I deserve better. But I guess it hurts to just not be enough for someone who you cared and loved so much. Idk if he'll come back. Idk if he'll regret his decisions. I guess it doesn't matter. Last time I talked to him he said he was ready to find "the one" he told his friend I wasn't "adventurous enough for him. Because I wasn't loud at parties and I didn't get drunk whenever he did. I just wasn't extroverted enough. I mean I go out, im a fun person. And alot of people say they think the way I act is more maturity then being boring. But I guess he wants someone who will be an adventure everyday... And that person will be the one for him? His other relationships were based off of doing drugs and drinking. And we were actually a REAL RELATIONSHIP... I guess that's not what he wants so there isn't much I can do.

[Zapbasket]

I agree with everything. But, you also shouldn't discount a guy that may not have all of his sh*t together, but after meeting you, he finds the motivation to better himself because he wants to be the guy you deserve. You know, the "You make me want to be a better person' phrase.

 

That's my point exactly--such a person is SELF-MOTIVATED to change, not pushed reluctantly to change.

 

But one caveat is that it must be mutual. In an equal partnership, BOTH partners feel they have cause to say, "You make me want to be a better person." A romance will always have problems when one partner is looking up while the other is looking down, as the dynamic between them. As I read once on a fantastic website about love whose title I've forgotten: "A marriage is a crucible in which two parties learn to love as equals."

[Zapbasket]

Thank you for everything everyone has said. I'm sitting at home basically in tears right now. On the idea he'll never come back. And I know I deserve better. But I guess it hurts to just not be enough for someone who you cared and loved so much. Idk if he'll come back. Idk if he'll regret his decisions. I guess it doesn't matter. Last time I talked to him he said he was ready to find "the one" he told his friend I wasn't "adventurous enough for him. Because I wasn't loud at parties and I didn't get drunk whenever he did. I just wasn't extroverted enough. I mean I go out, im a fun person. And alot of people say they think the way I act is more maturity then being boring. But I guess he wants someone who will be an adventure everyday... And that person will be the one for him? His other relationships were based off of doing drugs and drinking. And we were actually a REAL RELATIONSHIP... I guess that's not what he wants so there isn't much I can do.

 

It's much easier to have a relationship that can coast on the superficial things--partying, going on adventures, drinking, drugs--rather than commit to one that requires self-realization and ever-deepening intimacy. The latter kind of relationship forces each person to face themselves and their vulnerabilities; the former is little more than a distraction. And eventually, the superficially based relationship reaches a head where it either must evolve into something real, or must end...or, in the worst-case scenario, both people coast mindlessly through their whole lives and their relationship and die having never really lived, or loved.

 

It's really hard to accept the reality imposed on you by someone being immature, blind, and more than a little ridiculous. It's so danged frustrating and feels so unfair, because you KNOW there's more and the other person just doesn't want to see it.

 

I'm still in the throes of this part of the acceptance process. I try to remind myself, multiple times a day, that being with someone on the same page and level as I am where these kind of baffling occurrences won't halt the progress of the relationship will feel SO MUCH BETTER than the kind of crap you're currently experiencing. There is better out there for you, but you have to believe that 100% so that you can get out there and claim it.

[CristinaAnne92]

It's much easier to have a relationship that can coast on the superficial things--partying, going on adventures, drinking, drugs--rather than commit to one that requires self-realization and ever-deepening intimacy. The latter kind of relationship forces each person to face themselves and their vulnerabilities; the former is little more than a distraction. And eventually, the superficially based relationship reaches a head where it either must evolve into something real, or must end...or, in the worst-case scenario, both people coast mindlessly through their whole lives and their relationship and die having never really lived, or loved.

 

It's really hard to accept the reality imposed on you by someone being immature, blind, and more than a little ridiculous. It's so danged frustrating and feels so unfair, because you KNOW there's more and the other person just doesn't want to see it.

 

I'm still in the throes of this part of the acceptance process. I try to remind myself, multiple times a day, that being with someone on the same page and level as I am where these kind of baffling occurrences won't halt the progress of the relationship will feel SO MUCH BETTER than the kind of crap you're currently experiencing. There is better out there for you, but you have to believe that 100% so that you can get out there and claim it.

Thank you so much, you have been so kind. And eye opening... It seems like u know exactly how I feel and that is comforting , really comforting.

[Zapbasket]

I wish I could say I weren't so well acquainted with this dynamic. But I spent 3.5 years submerged in it, plus another nearly 2 years and counting trying to unscramble my brain and emotions from the giant high-speed egg-beater this relationship and its aftermath was.

 

It's so hard to see so much good in someone, so much potential, and it seems at first you're on the same page about wanting to grow and develop together, but the person seems to need more and more of your help even while he resents you for helping him. It's a vicious cycle, lacking in any logic or utility, that's only broken when you finally accept that "potential" is nothing but a phantasm floating in a future you cannot fully control or know--and accept that you deserve BETTER and BETTER awaits you, if you work for it (the first step being to free yourself of this relationship, so you're already on your way).

 

Google "Baggage Reclaim," a blog by Natalie Lu, and click on the "List of Posts" header. You'll find a lot of good perspective in there that will help bolster you in the morass you're experiencing.

 

Hang in there I'm not even through the whole thing yet but I know with all my heart that it DOES get better.

Edited July 14, 2015 by GreenCove