ConfusedT Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Hey!! It's been forever.. Well I got over that guy, lol and got back with another EX.. lol, it's like reusing a pump with broken heels, never the best idea.. Lol, but I figured time would have changed the person.. Clearly I forgot how good of a liar addicts could be because I was fooled into thinking he was clean.. We got back together, things were great imho and then bam- I'm pregnant.. Everything changed, he changed- said he didn't want a family, didn't want the kid and made me choose between him and the baby.. I was 3 months at the time.. I chose my kid, so we pretty much fell apart and I found out he started using really badly.. Wished terrible things upon me and the baby- I'll sore you the horrible details cause it was things that could NEVER be taken back, so I walked away.. Fast forward 2 months, I saw him out and we talked for a bit and ended up texting, but I could tell he was in the same mental place he was at before. He didn't apologize for anything nor did he say he was on the wrong and still blamed me.. I caught him using drugs and I finally found out how bad it was.. I asked him to go to rehab and basically he told me he doesn't want to know his kid and feels that she's better off without him in her life, he's so depressed and it so sad to wat h the direction he's going in.. I wanted to fight for him to stay and I did, I tried but inevitably he left.. My question to you all is: Should I completely cut him out of my life because I feel like I am enabling him to continue this behavior and the disrespect and the addiction.. He doesn't want to change and has told me that his only goal in life is to stay out of jail.. I don't know what to do- the addiction is overwhelming and I feel like leaving, like completely at least for now, with zero contact is the best option.. What is your opinion and why? Also how do you deal with hardcore addicts when you're having a child with them?? I feel stuck..
54JA Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 The only contact you should have with him should be about child support (hopefully through a lawer/mail). You have a baby now, and you have to do everything you can to do what is best for your baby. The baby does not need an addict as a parent in her life. Also, the baby would need you to be emotionally strong/stable. So you will need to start healing by cutting him out of your life. The baby does not need to be exposed to someone who makes the mother choose between him and the baby. So staying in contact with him in his current condition is out of the question. 2
Author ConfusedT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 I agree so much. It's so hard to walk away completely with no regard but I feel like that's kind of what he did.. I don't even know if I want to pursue child support BC honestly he didn't even have a job like he told me he did.. You're right about him mistreating part.. I just wish he would go to rehab and get clean for his kid & this is his only baby.. It's devastating to me but not in a broken down emotional way, more like a total disappointment in him and my own decisions.. I felt like there were signs, I jus overlooked them in hopes..
Gus Grimly Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Last person you want around you or your baby is a drug addict. Ultimatum time. Who's more important? Deadbeat Junkie or your precious innocent baby? TBH, guy sounds like he's in desperate need of an intervention. You should contact his friends and family and perhaps get a professional interventionist involved. Otherwise, tell him to stay far the hell away from you and your child. 1
54JA Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I'm really sorry that you are going through this. You may be right about his ability to pay for his child support. My friend went through a similar situation, except that they were married. The guy's addiction was getting worse and stopped working/couldn't get a job. She tried to end it, but went back and forth. That's when she got pregnant. She tried to make it work with him after the baby came but he just kept getting worse and worse (wouldn't stop using, became increasingly disrespectful, began doing shady things for money). She finally left him and filed for sole custody, the hearing for which he didn't even show. It's been many years now. She completely cut him out of hers and the baby's life. He has absolutely no access to her or the kid. He is not paying his child support. But you know what, they are doing great. The boy is a happy and healthy kid. She became a wonderful, strong single mother. You have to do this for your baby. Be strong. Hang in there. 1
Author ConfusedT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Last person you want around you or your baby is a drug addict. Ultimatum time. Who's more important? Deadbeat Junkie or your precious innocent baby? TBH, guy sounds like he's in desperate need of an intervention. You should contact his friends and family and perhaps get a professional interventionist involved. Otherwise, tell him to stay far the hell away from you and your child. No one will even bother doing it. His family, friends, etc all enable him and that's why I finally felt like even if he was to be there, would he really even be there. I chose the baby over him the first time and I will again, I jus feel like I'm giving up on him, but I guess he gave up on himself.. He really does need an intervention but he's the baby of the family "at 30" and they jus let him do whatever he wants.. I know I don't even know if he'll try to come around.. 1
Author ConfusedT Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 I'm really sorry that you are going through this. You may be right about his ability to pay for his child support. My friend went through a similar situation, except that they were married. The guy's addiction was getting worse and stopped working/couldn't get a job. She tried to end it, but went back and forth. That's when she got pregnant. She tried to make it work with him after the baby came but he just kept getting worse and worse (wouldn't stop using, became increasingly disrespectful, began doing shady things for money). She finally left him and filed for sole custody, the hearing for which he didn't even show. It's been many years now. She completely cut him out of hers and the baby's life. He has absolutely no access to her or the kid. He is not paying his child support. But you know what, they are doing great. The boy is a happy and healthy kid. She became a wonderful, strong single mother. You have to do this for your baby. Be strong. Hang in there. That's what I like to hear. I am a single mom already and I never envisioned doing it twice but stories like that make me much more hopeful at going about it again alone.. The first kids dad I eventually left and I feel like I've been doing it alone for 7 years, what's another baby in the mix lol.. I'm not familiar with this level of drug abuse so it's hard for me to understand it and the depression associated with it.. So it's hard for me to know the right path but I definitely don't want him around in the current state..
Gus Grimly Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 No one will even bother doing it. His family, friends, etc all enable him and that's why I finally felt like even if he was to be there, would he really even be there. Ah, well then there's a serious problem. That's why I suggested a interventionist to get involved. Sounds like his family all need help too. You need someone on your side. Even a drug counselor could give you some direction. Maybe attend a few Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. The people at those meetings are there to help. They can guide you on what steps you need to take to protect yourself, your baby and find help for this man. I'm so sorry you've gotten caught up in such a difficult situation, especially with a child now involved.
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