BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 9, 2015 Posted August 9, 2015 Yup, I honestly do feel there are more male late bloomers than female late bloomers, and that's because guys are still stubbornly expected to be the initiators I wonder why do people think we guys, men have it easier, if we did, then there wouldn't be so many 25+ or 30+ year old guys who have never had a girlfriend and still a virgin
Author Kosmo Posted August 11, 2015 Author Posted August 11, 2015 You're overthinking having to explain your inexperience to a girl you date. There is no need to outline why you haven't had a girlfriend to this point. Simply say you haven't been lucky enough to find someone that special and worth dating for an extended period of time. That's all. It's not something to bring up on a first date either. You have the opportunity on a first date and early in dating to become the guy who you want to be so just learn from each experience, be confident in yourself. Remember, the women you meet whether it's online dating or randomly in the world are also single and either your age or around your age. They might have the same insecurities you have about "why they don't have a bf " at this point in their lives so you should feel safer knowing that they're in the same boat. Even if they've dated seriously before or had many boyfriends... Fact is that they are single now so essentially they haven't done anything better than you otherwise they wouldn't be looking. Thanks. I really hope that is true; that explaining it like that will work. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Thanks. I really hope that is true; that explaining it like that will work. Of course it will. Because imbedded is a compliment and a challenge to the girl! "You seem special and you'd have to be to hold my interest since I don't settle down with just anyone". Trust me, that's perfect. All you need to say----if, and only if, she asks.
kaizor Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 I feel like we are pretty similar, even though i have been in a couple of relationships before. My dating experience is quite minimal, i only ask girls out if i am quite confident that they are also interested in bringing it forward. And the few girls i managed to ask out became my EXs. Confidence and self-esteem has always been an issue of mine and i don't handle rejection very well. For your case, i think at the very least you should get to know more girls first and talk to them more. Especially girls you have interest in. Its totally normal to chat and text girls, and based on your self-introduction, you don't seem like somebody who would turn girls off. So i think its important you talk more to them and see whether there is any chemistry, girls are never going to throw themselves at you, when you don't even take the first step, well if you are not brad pitt or johnny depp. And i also agree that the more you talk to girls, the better you get at it. I am just 1 year older than you, and when i was 4-5 years younger, i was always telling my friends that i would never have any children if i get married and how i don't like children. But right now, also maybe because of my job (i am an educator), i am finding myself liking children more and more. I am also not that against the idea of having children if i ever get married. Maybe you just have not reach that age. But if you never change your mind, its probably good to let your partner know in the future.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 11, 2015 Posted August 11, 2015 Masculine-Feminine polarity, boy do I ****in' hate that ****
Author Kosmo Posted January 15, 2016 Author Posted January 15, 2016 12:30 am at night. Can't sleep. Online dating not working for me since I started 4 months ago. Feeling like ****. Been on 2 first dates. How old is too old for first relationship? Does me going on dates before count?
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 12:30 am at night. Can't sleep. Online dating not working for me since I started 4 months ago. Feeling like ****. Been on 2 first dates. How old is too old for first relationship? Does me going on dates before count? I would imagine going on dates is a sign of progress, and how old is too old, I don't know if you will be comfortable hearing it, I hate hearing it as well too, but I hate it whenever people say its never too late or you have plenty of time, better late than never, well I can't speak for everyone, but I'd imagine the pain of being a late bloomer, the pain of missing out on a lot earlier and being jealous, envious of people that got to date and have relationships earlier in life
deckard11 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I'm 30 years old straight guy (been told I'm attractive) and am physically fit, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've never gone past 2nd date in my life, which I've got to twice in my life. Last time I dated (online) was back when I was 26. I stopped because of my inexperience; I didn't know how to explain my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience to potential girlfriends, I just stopped and focused on other aspects of life. I've had a few chances to be friends-with-benefits, but they didn't feel right for me at the time and still don't. I just don't want it. Is wanting to have sex only in a commitment romantic relationship wrong and rare nowadays? Am I foolish for wanting that? Is it detrimental to have that standard? Overall my life is going well in other aspects. I have platonic female friends who I've never been attracted to romantically. I'm settled into a low-stress career that I like. I have a few close friends that I do things with and socialize, but not as often as I'd like anymore. I'm trying to make more, but it's hard. Will having female friends but no girlfriend before nullify the "having no girlfriend" part? How do I explain to future dates that I've never had a girlfriend? How will women react? How do I not be creepy about it? How do I start dating if I don't have the normal amount of dating experience for a guy my age? Am I expected to trust dates/potential girlfriends more than my friends? How does dating work if people aren't trusted as friends first? Nowadays I rarely go out with friends. Unfortunately people get busier as they get older. Mostly I just chill with and take care of my cat in my apartment, go to work, go for walks and listen to music at local parks, volunteer at a local animal shelter once a week, and if I'm lucky...hang out with a friend once a week. Also, even if I do get a girlfriend at this late age, I'm afraid of missing out on "young love"...dating while not worrying about bills, taxes, jobs, careers, etc. Basically I had a lot of issues with shyness and social anxiety in the past, but I eventually overcame it (well, not completely, still work in progress) and now I feel ready to date...but because of my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience...I feel like I'm learning to swim in the deep end of a swimming pool. Can't think of another analogy. Would any women date a man who is 30+ but never never had a girlfriend before? Right now my explanation is something like "I've dated, buy haven't met anyone I wanted to be serious with. I was much shyer before than I am now also. I'm ready now, so I'm back to dating now; looking for something long-term and serious". It's true anyways. Hopefully women will buy it. So when a straight man and woman date, who should pay for the first and later dates? I believe in gender equality, and if the woman does too, does that mean we should split the bill? That sounds fair and ethically consistent to me. Is it sexist if a man insists on paying? If a woman reaches for her wallet or purse, is that a test for the man? Or does she really mean it? What's the best thing to do? I think it's called chivalry...is it? What may make it even more difficult is the fact that I don't want children; not even adoptive. I like kids, but parenthood isn't for me, and I believe there are already too many people on the planet. It's for environmental reasons too. I fear that may vastly reduce my dating pool. Well, you're miles ahead of me dude. I'm in my early 40's and have never had a girlfriend or even been on a date for that matter. Hope it all works out for you before you reach my age because I'm about ready to check out.
risjurad Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) I'm pretty much in a similar boat as you. I'd argue that I'm worse because I moved to a remote, smaller city. More here if anybody would like the details.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564902-tips-long-distance-dating However, I could argue your case hardly seems to be that much of an issue... Will having female friends but no girlfriend before nullify the "having no girlfriend" part? How do I explain to future dates that I've never had a girlfriend? How will women react? How do I not be creepy about it? How do I start dating if I don't have the normal amount of dating experience for a guy my age? Am I expected to trust dates/potential girlfriends more than my friends? How does dating work if people aren't trusted as friends first? Dating is different. Unfortunately, you need to take a leap of faith. I had a coworker whose gf cheated on him. He kicked her out of his apartment, and eventually found himself a new gf months later. Nowadays I rarely go out with friends. Unfortunately people get busier as they get older. Mostly I just chill with and take care of my cat in my apartment, go to work, go for walks and listen to music at local parks, volunteer at a local animal shelter once a week, and if I'm lucky...hang out with a friend once a week. I hang out with people who are friendly, but we don't talk much beyond those meet ups. I don't know if I'd consider them friends, as I can't really talk about anything too personal that one normally would with a BFF, like relationships, how a date went, etc. OTOH, I feel like if I initiated conversations like mortgages, where to find women, and dating apps, perhaps they'd be willing to talk about those (although I suspect many of them are already married or otherwise non-single) Hmm, I started a thread about that here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/565093-anybody-consider-they-ll-alone-rest-their-lives Also, even if I do get a girlfriend at this late age, I'm afraid of missing out on "young love"...dating while not worrying about bills, taxes, jobs, careers, etc.For folks like you and me, we've already missed out on any "young love" to be had... in high school, college, and our "roaring 20s". FWIW, I've heard of some folks who had some very nasty breakups, and the expressions "it's better to love and lost than not loved at all" couldn't be applied to those cases given what they told me. FWIW, folks can have other "missed opportunities"... moving, going to college, making investments... try not to let dating late in the game be too detrimental. Only thing left to do is to move forward. You're in your 30s. I wish I was in my 20s myself, but that's not exactly a death sentence for dating. Given you don't want kids, it may be even better to be dating in your 40s, but I wouldn't put it off till then. Basically I had a lot of issues with shyness and social anxiety in the past, but I eventually overcame it (well, not completely, still work in progress) and now I feel ready to date...but because of my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience...I feel like I'm learning to swim in the deep end of a swimming pool. Can't think of another analogy. Ditto. I'd like to go with dating apps/sites because 2 people meet and just talk. When hitting on women, it feels like double the work and anxiety of a job interview. To be fair, I've never really learned how to hit on women, so I do share that blame. Still, I absolutely loathe going to bars for this. But alas, online dating isn't any easier. ON top of that, I have issues with having sex, and what I suspect some other physical condition, but we'll leave that for another thread. Unfortunately, you need to just get out there. I suppose this site does have message boards on hitting on women, and otherwise attracting them. Would any women date a man who is 30+ but never never had a girlfriend before? I can't answer for those women. There are those that won't, but if you do run into those, don't bother with them. Right now my explanation is something like "I've dated, buy haven't met anyone I wanted to be serious with. I was much shyer before than I am now also. I'm ready now, so I'm back to dating now; looking for something long-term and serious". It's true anyways. Hopefully women will buy it. AFAIK again, they'll either be fine with it or that won't. Using such a line (even if it weren't true) shouldn't change much So when a straight man and woman date, who should pay for the first and later dates? I believe in gender equality, and if the woman does too, does that mean we should split the bill? That sounds fair and ethically consistent to me. Is it sexist if a man insists on paying? If a woman reaches for her wallet or purse, is that a test for the man? Or does she really mean it? What's the best thing to do? I think it's called chivalry...is it?Most accounts I know of say you should pay. If she insists on paying for her portion, then counter-insist. If she choose the place, or is very adamant on paying for her share or more, I wouldn't fight that. What may make it even more difficult is the fact that I don't want children; not even adoptive. I like kids, but parenthood isn't for me, and I believe there are already too many people on the planet. It's for environmental reasons too. I fear that may vastly reduce my dating pool. Hmm, if you're on a dating site/app, I'd make this known in the questionnaire/fields. IRL, I'd bring it up sooner than later to see if she's still on board with it. Edited January 16, 2016 by risjurad
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 I'm pretty much in a similar boat as you. I'd argue that I'm worse because I moved to a remote, smaller city. More here if anybody would like the details.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564902-tips-long-distance-dating However, I could argue your case hardly seems to be that much of an issue... Dating is different. Unfortunately, you need to take a leap of faith. I had a coworker whose gf cheated on him. He kicked her out of his apartment, and eventually found himself a new gf months later. I hang out with people who are friendly, but we don't talk much beyond those meet ups. I don't know if I'd consider them friends, as I can't really talk about anything too personal that one normally would with a BFF, like relationships, how a date went, etc. OTOH, I feel like if I initiated conversations like mortgages, where to find women, and dating apps, perhaps they'd be willing to talk about those (although I suspect many of them are already married or otherwise non-single) Hmm, I started a thread about that here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/565093-anybody-consider-they-ll-alone-rest-their-lives For folks like you and me, we've already missed out on any "young love" to be had... in high school, college, and our "roaring 20s". FWIW, I've heard of some folks who had some very nasty breakups, and the expressions "it's better to love and lost than not loved at all" couldn't be applied to those cases given what they told me. FWIW, folks can have other "missed opportunities"... moving, going to college, making investments... try not to let dating late in the game be too detrimental. Only thing left to do is to move forward. You're in your 30s. I wish I was in my 20s myself, but that's not exactly a death sentence for dating. Given you don't want kids, it may be even better to be dating in your 40s, but I wouldn't put it off till then. Ditto. I'd like to go with dating apps/sites because 2 people meet and just talk. When hitting on women, it feels like double the work and anxiety of a job interview. To be fair, I've never really learned how to hit on women, so I do share that blame. Still, I absolutely loathe going to bars for this. But alas, online dating isn't any easier. ON top of that, I have issues with having sex, and what I suspect some other physical condition, but we'll leave that for another thread. Unfortunately, you need to just get out there. I suppose this site does have message boards on hitting on women, and otherwise attracting them. I can't answer for those women. There are those that won't, but if you do run into those, don't bother with them. AFAIK again, they'll either be fine with it or that won't. Using such a line (even if it weren't true) shouldn't change much Most accounts I know of say you should pay. If she insists on paying for her portion, then counter-insist. If she choose the place, or is very adamant on paying for her share or more, I wouldn't fight that. Hmm, if you're on a dating site/app, I'd make this known in the questionnaire/fields. IRL, I'd bring it up sooner than later to see if she's still on board with it. I fully agree with you on the statement about missing out on young love, and in regards to people saying it's never too late, i'm still kinda bitter, resentful, enraged, angry, when this one woman said this to me about it never being too late for dating and relationships, and she's a woman whos a site/blog for people that are introverted, and she is old-fashioned like most women are in which she feels its the mans role to be the active pursuer and be the initiator, she even admitted this "women have their own challenges and insecurities about dating. But I do think that the aspect of initiating and approaching makes it more difficult for introverted men, It comes down to what kind of dynamic you want in the relationship. If you prefer to be with a woman who is the dominant, planning, initiating one, than you can sit back and allow such a woman to approach you. If you prefer to be with a feminine, feeling, receiving kind of woman, you will have to approach her, as she will expect a man to be the initiator. Most men feel more comfortable with women who have a more receiving, feminine energy." and when she said to me: "Because it isn't. My 72 year-old landlord and her 90 year-old boyfriend are proof of that." That really angered me and pissed me off, besides, are people even still sexually active at those ages? your body has become so much physically weaker, I doubt sex is even enjoyable anymore.
Ami1uwant Posted January 16, 2016 Posted January 16, 2016 12:30 am at night. Can't sleep. Online dating not working for me since I started 4 months ago. Feeling like ****. Been on 2 first dates. How old is too old for first relationship? Does me going on dates before count? Talk to me...I think you are doing something wrng. It could be eith your profile, or something else. What happened on these first dates?
Author Kosmo Posted November 26, 2016 Author Posted November 26, 2016 OP here. Does anyone else who had very little or no dating experience well into adult age go to any kind of therapy to overcome fear of being inexperienced and people's reaction to that inexperience? I'm thinking of trying it before I start dating again. Is it worth it? It blows my mind. Now Brian has a girlfriend. l feel uneasy in social situations where conversations about dating and sex may happen and I don't have any substantial experience to input in conversation and fear being mocked, judged, etc. I've been avoiding some social outings and events because of potential conversations about dating and relstionships that I would feel left out of and not relate to. When does "I've dated a bit, but haven't met the right person" no longer a legitimate excuse?
MarkIVSteel Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Sorry but as much as the women here would have you believe that lack of dating relationship experience is "cute and romantic" and they would "totally date you", the reality couldn't be further than this. A man that lacks dating and relationship experience because of extreme neediness, massive social anxiety and low self esteem will turn a lot of women off because these are things that women can smell on you from a mile away. Until you work on the root cause of these issues, your dating life won't get very far. Go to the gym, work on your body. Having a good body is a big self esteem booster plus it also makes you feel good. Work on your appearance and dressing. Button up shirt, dark chinos and oxford shoes should be a staple in your closet. You will find that you will attract more women and they will even go out of their way to open you.
Countrycutie1986 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Hi there. Wow I read your post and it was like I wrote it. Only thing is I'm a woman. I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. I for one would be happy to meet a guy like you and I wouldn't judge you for anything. It's no ones business why you haven't dated much in the past. And if you really like someone and they like you, the past won't affect the present or future. I really understand how intimating it can be to put yourself out there and to fear being judged. I've been on and off online dating sites for years. Never met anyone I had a real connection with. But I think it's important to remember that not everyone follows the same path and I have faith that there's someone out there for everyone. Best of luck and don't give up.
winny Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 @OP - Keep trying. Go read my last thread. All of us are trying, failing, trying again... sometimes it is hard... but one thing I don't care about is what others think of me or what they or the society think what I should or should not be doing. Instead of focussing on what you dont have, why dont you focus on what you can offer a woman???? You can go for therapy to deal with social anxiety and stuff, but that won't mean suddenly you will end up with a GF and that would be your best relationship ever.... you may get dumped after few months... You do what you want at the pace that works for you... but yes, please focus on the positives while working on the negatives... and yes there is a possibility that you or anyone may end up alone... still you have to keep trying...
Recommended Posts