Lack of dating and relationship exerience; discouraged, feel behind

[Kosmo]

I'm 30 years old straight guy (been told I'm attractive) and am physically fit, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've never gone past 2nd date in my life, which I've got to twice in my life. Last time I dated (online) was back when I was 26. I stopped because of my inexperience; I didn't know how to explain my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience to potential girlfriends, I just stopped and focused on other aspects of life. I've had a few chances to be friends-with-benefits, but they didn't feel right for me at the time and still don't. I just don't want it. Is wanting to have sex only in a commitment romantic relationship wrong and rare nowadays? Am I foolish for wanting that? Is it detrimental to have that standard?

 

Overall my life is going well in other aspects. I have platonic female friends who I've never been attracted to romantically. I'm settled into a low-stress career that I like. I have a few close friends that I do things with and socialize, but not as often as I'd like anymore. I'm trying to make more, but it's hard.

 

Will having female friends but no girlfriend before nullify the "having no girlfriend" part? How do I explain to future dates that I've never had a girlfriend? How will women react? How do I not be creepy about it? How do I start dating if I don't have the normal amount of dating experience for a guy my age? Am I expected to trust dates/potential girlfriends more than my friends? How does dating work if people aren't trusted as friends first?

Nowadays I rarely go out with friends. Unfortunately people get busier as they get older. Mostly I just chill with and take care of my cat in my apartment, go to work, go for walks and listen to music at local parks, volunteer at a local animal shelter once a week, and if I'm lucky...hang out with a friend once a week.

 

Also, even if I do get a girlfriend at this late age, I'm afraid of missing out on "young love"...dating while not worrying about bills, taxes, jobs, careers, etc.

 

Basically I had a lot of issues with shyness and social anxiety in the past, but I eventually overcame it (well, not completely, still work in progress) and now I feel ready to date...but because of my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience...I feel like I'm learning to swim in the deep end of a swimming pool. Can't think of another analogy.

 

 

Would any women date a man who is 30+ but never never had a girlfriend before?

 

Right now my explanation is something like "I've dated, buy haven't met anyone I wanted to be serious with. I was much shyer before than I am now also. I'm ready now, so I'm back to dating now; looking for something long-term and serious". It's true anyways. Hopefully women will buy it.

 

So when a straight man and woman date, who should pay for the first and later dates? I believe in gender equality, and if the woman does too, does that mean we should split the bill? That sounds fair and ethically consistent to me. Is it sexist if a man insists on paying? If a woman reaches for her wallet or purse, is that a test for the man? Or does she really mean it? What's the best thing to do? I think it's called chivalry...is it?

 

What may make it even more difficult is the fact that I don't want children; not even adoptive. I like kids, but parenthood isn't for me, and I believe there are already too many people on the planet. It's for environmental reasons too. I fear that may vastly reduce my dating pool.

[DaisyBug]

Is wanting to have sex only in a commitment romantic relationship wrong and rare nowadays? Am I foolish for wanting that? Is it detrimental to have that standard?

 

 

How do I explain to future dates that I've never had a girlfriend? How will women react?

 

Is it sexist if a man insists on paying? If a woman reaches for her wallet or purse, is that a test for the man

 

What may make it even more difficult is the fact that I don't want children; not even adoptive. I like kids, but parenthood isn't for me, and I believe there are already too many people on the planet.

 

 

1. I think that's absolutely wonderful. It's never detrimental to have standards!! It's much healthier in the long run.

• 20% of Americans have an STD
  
• 50% of sexually active youths will contract an STD by age 25
  
• As many as one in five Americans have genital herpes, yet up to 90% of them are unaware they have it (with all the purported sexual prowess here on the board, I wonder how many here are unknowingly spreading it)
  
• One out of 20 people in the United States will get infected with hepatitis B some time during their lives. (Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.)
  

Those are some scary odds. Why mess with the health of your nether region?!

 

 

As for your lack of experience, you don't need to explain anything. If you feel you have to explain, your current explanation sounds just fine.

 

 

No, it isn't sexist for a man to insist on paying, any more than it's sexist for a woman to cook a good meal for you. You should offer to pay, and hope that she insists on paying her own way - then let her. (I would never let a man pay my way if I were not in a relationship with him.)

 

 

Smart guy about not having kids. I agree 100%. Unfortunately, it'll be a bit of a challenge finding a woman who doesn't want any. Not impossible, though.

 

 

Don't worry so much. Some smart young lady is going to be glad she's not dealing with a guy who's stuck it in 200 women before her. She's the only woman you need to please!

[Versacehottie]

I'm 30 years old straight guy (been told I'm attractive) and am physically fit, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've never gone past 2nd date in my life, which I've got to twice in my life. Last time I dated (online) was back when I was 26. I stopped because of my inexperience; I didn't know how to explain my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience to potential girlfriends, I just stopped and focused on other aspects of life. I've had a few chances to be friends-with-benefits, but they didn't feel right for me at the time and still don't. I just don't want it. Is wanting to have sex only in a commitment romantic relationship wrong and rare nowadays? Am I foolish for wanting that? Is it detrimental to have that standard?

 

Overall my life is going well in other aspects. I have platonic female friends who I've never been attracted to romantically. I'm settled into a low-stress career that I like. I have a few close friends that I do things with and socialize, but not as often as I'd like anymore. I'm trying to make more, but it's hard.

 

Will having female friends but no girlfriend before nullify the "having no girlfriend" part? How do I explain to future dates that I've never had a girlfriend? How will women react? How do I not be creepy about it? How do I start dating if I don't have the normal amount of dating experience for a guy my age? Am I expected to trust dates/potential girlfriends more than my friends? How does dating work if people aren't trusted as friends first?

Nowadays I rarely go out with friends. Unfortunately people get busier as they get older. Mostly I just chill with and take care of my cat in my apartment, go to work, go for walks and listen to music at local parks, volunteer at a local animal shelter once a week, and if I'm lucky...hang out with a friend once a week.

 

Also, even if I do get a girlfriend at this late age, I'm afraid of missing out on "young love"...dating while not worrying about bills, taxes, jobs, careers, etc.

 

Basically I had a lot of issues with shyness and social anxiety in the past, but I eventually overcame it (well, not completely, still work in progress) and now I feel ready to date...but because of my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience...I feel like I'm learning to swim in the deep end of a swimming pool. Can't think of another analogy.

 

 

Would any women date a man who is 30+ but never never had a girlfriend before?

 

Right now my explanation is something like "I've dated, buy haven't met anyone I wanted to be serious with. I was much shyer before than I am now also. I'm ready now, so I'm back to dating now; looking for something long-term and serious". It's true anyways. Hopefully women will buy it.

 

So when a straight man and woman date, who should pay for the first and later dates? I believe in gender equality, and if the woman does too, does that mean we should split the bill? That sounds fair and ethically consistent to me. Is it sexist if a man insists on paying? If a woman reaches for her wallet or purse, is that a test for the man? Or does she really mean it? What's the best thing to do? I think it's called chivalry...is it?

 

What may make it even more difficult is the fact that I don't want children; not even adoptive. I like kids, but parenthood isn't for me, and I believe there are already too many people on the planet. It's for environmental reasons too. I fear that may vastly reduce my dating pool.

 

First of all your explanation for not having had a gf, is great. You could even leave out the "shyer" part because. Why put yourself down or over explain? Basically you have never met anyone that propelled you to be serious and rather than shyer part, you could say you were focused on other parts of your life, including your career.

 

As for the paying, I think it's easiest to err in favor of traditional norms on the first date. However, that just gets you through the first date. If you really believe things should be split in dating, best to get that out of the way pretty soon in the dating process because a lot of your dates won't have the same view unfortunately. You can find a lot of threads on here about the "paying" issue. I have the opposite view of yours so not much help on that. Wallet reach is about 50/50 genuine, i think. It's genuine in having no problem paying for themselves however, they will then judge you for not overriding their offer. Depends on how far into dating though. To me, chivalry is best but you will get a variety of opinions here on that. Plus that is really not how you feel about paying so why mask it just to build resentment. I don't think most women view it as sexist and will insist on paying themselves if they do.

 

With your stance on kids, you'd want to get that out of the way too up front. Say it lightheartedly. But yes that will reduce your dating pool by a lot. But do it at beginning so you don't waste more than phone call or first date if other person wants kids. Beware some girls, if they really like you and that is only big difference, will hang in there thinking they can convince you to change your mind. So if you get more serious and suspect that's the case, make sure you make it clear before you get too deep into the relationship.

 

i think that you volunteer with animals will help you find some very good prospects with you. Get involved with as many of those groups as you can. Lots of single women who also love animals there. I think you should internet date so you can date a lot of people to just get more comfortable with the idea. Also you can state your preferences about kids and not waste time. But try to socialize with friends and girl friends because those usually bring the best people to you vs the internet. Good luck

[Kosmo]

So if a woman offers to pay, she really means it and I should let her? It's not some kind of test for the guy to jump in and pay even after she insists?

 

How did people here who got in a relationship at a later age feel about not having that experience before having to worry about bills, taxes, and other adult responsibilties? How did you explain your lack of experience when that time came?

[Versacehottie]

So if a woman offers to pay, she really means it and I should let her? It's not some kind of test for the guy to jump in and pay even after she insists?

 

How did people here who got in a relationship at a later age feel about not having that experience before having to worry about bills, taxes, and other adult responsibilties? How did you explain your lack of experience when that time came?

 

No, it's 50/50 if she really means it about the paying. It's a gesture to show that she is not a user or cheap. However, if you let her pay then YOU are the "cheap" not chivalrous one. That's for part of us and at the beginning. I would also there is a tone or other signs that would let you know what each person's true position is on that. The other part don't mind paying. This debate has been done many times on this site so I'd rather not get into it too much. I just say on first date it's easier if guy pays, particularly if he is the one that asked. If she asks you, then let her pay.

 

If a guy told me what you planned on saying I would have no problem with it, provided I liked him in total. I think sometimes guys that are late bloomers can be awesome. I don't think I'm alone in thinking that.

 

I feel like if someone though has rigid rules about money and is trying to get one over on me with money, that's not attractive. Nor is keeping track. I don't think I'm alone in thinking that. I'm generous and like a guy who is similarly so.

[fireflywy]

To the OP, don't put too much pressure on yourself or knock yourself. The truth is, that most of us who have significant dating/relationship experience don't have it all figured out either. Hell, a lot of the time, and with sadly increasing frequency, just when you think you have it figured it, people will leave you falling flat on your face in today's never satisfied, always looking for something better world.

 

Just be you and in being you, just make sure you find someone who is trustfull and honest..

Edited July 14, 2015 by fireflywy

[DaisyBug]

So if a woman offers to pay, she really means it and I should let her? It's not some kind of test for the guy to jump in and pay even after she insists?

 

How did people here who got in a relationship at a later age feel about not having that experience before having to worry about bills, taxes, and other adult responsibilties? How did you explain your lack of experience when that time came?

 

 

Gosh, not really sure about your first question. Me, if I insist on paying, I MEAN IT. Perhaps it would be a good idea to try to insist, though, just in case.

 

 

I was a late bloomer myself, but my ex was very happy about that!! So, it was never a problem.

Edited July 15, 2015 by DaisyBug

[Kosmo]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Hopefully this will help others too.

[ChicagoSparty]

Don't overthink this and build it into much more than it is. You lacking experience doesn't automatically mean you're bad at it....I mean, I know a lot of people who have been in relationships their whole lives who absolutely suck at them.

 

So, from a numbers perspective, you're not any worse at relationships than probably half the people out there.

 

Now, just stop thinking about it and worrying about it.

 

OK, here's where I'm going to say getting into a little FWB situation might be good for you. It's like a relationship, but it isn't. You can still go out with that person, spend time with them, and navigate the territory of having a woman around without it being some full-blown, all-in, high-stakes (running out of cliches) proposition for you. Think of it as training.

 

What it will help you do....the most important thing in the whole relationship world....is to RELAX around women. If you start coming at women with all kinds of desperate intensity and laser-focus on making a relationship, you're going to scare 99.99999999% of them away. Relaxing around women, knowing how to act/react around them, deal with their chick things, handle their expectations, anticipate their needs, all that stuff....once you are comfortable with that, then start thinking more seriously about relationships. But get a couple...for lack of a better way to phrase it...'under your belt'.

 

They don't put you into a Formula I race car on your first day of drivers training.

[scooby-philly]

I'm 30 years old straight guy (been told I'm attractive) and am physically fit, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've never gone past 2nd date in my life, which I've got to twice in my life. Last time I dated (online) was back when I was 26. I stopped because of my inexperience; I didn't know how to explain my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience to potential girlfriends, I just stopped and focused on other aspects of life. I've had a few chances to be friends-with-benefits, but they didn't feel right for me at the time and still don't. I just don't want it. Is wanting to have sex only in a commitment romantic relationship wrong and rare nowadays? Am I foolish for wanting that? Is it detrimental to have that standard?

 

Do not worry about "inexperience". I was a virgin and didn't have any real dating experience - other than 2-3 dates and a "kinda of girlfriend for 4-5 weeks in college. While part of it was shyness and awkwardness, it's also I had lots of interests too and ended up also in the seminary for 6 years. You have to focus on yourself. There's too much b.s. out there about leading a life to help others. Being kind and all is nice and important, but too many people like myself are raised to be the "good guy" and that means we don't express are needs, find friends based on our interests, and the like. My first partner didn't care about none of that. Have your explanation ready - and yours sounds good. Say it when/if you think you need to, but if they leave or stumble because of it - move on.

 

Overall my life is going well in other aspects. I have platonic female friends who I've never been attracted to romantically. I'm settled into a low-stress career that I like. I have a few close friends that I do things with and socialize, but not as often as I'd like anymore. I'm trying to make more, but it's hard.

 

True friends find time for each other, even if it diminishes over the years, and other friends come and go. If you're clear with your true friends about your interests and who you are/want they should respect that enough.

 

Will having female friends but no girlfriend before nullify the "having no girlfriend" part? How do I explain to future dates that I've never had a girlfriend? How will women react? How do I not be creepy about it? How do I start dating if I don't have the normal amount of dating experience for a guy my age? Am I expected to trust dates/potential girlfriends more than my friends? How does dating work if people aren't trusted as friends first?

Nowadays I rarely go out with friends. Unfortunately people get busier as they get older. Mostly I just chill with and take care of my cat in my apartment, go to work, go for walks and listen to music at local parks, volunteer at a local animal shelter once a week, and if I'm lucky...hang out with a friend once a week.

Again, you don't have to "explain" anything. Everyone you meet will have something - a divorce, a kid, a bad-ex, a failed marriage. Speak your heart when you feel the time is right. If they judge you or can't accept it - they're actions will let you know. I met both of my exes through activities.My parents really didn't have friend growing up and early on I wasn't allowed out to play, so I didn't have a big group of friends growing up. While that may have hurt me, it didn't stop me once I was out on my own. It's hard for me still to accept that people will like me, so I may have settled twice for people who deep down didn't love me as much as I loved them, but it's been a growth/learning process.

 

Also, even if I do get a girlfriend at this late age, I'm afraid of missing out on "young love"...dating while not worrying about bills, taxes, jobs, careers, etc.

I agree with the one poster - if you're careful about it, if you're safe - a fwb or even just short dating cycles that get physical early aren't a bad thing.

 

Basically I had a lot of issues with shyness and social anxiety in the past, but I eventually overcame it (well, not completely, still work in progress) and now I feel ready to date...but because of my minimal dating experience and zero relationship experience...I feel like I'm learning to swim in the deep end of a swimming pool. Can't think of another analogy.

I feel you man. It's not easy when we're bombarded with media examples of what our lives "should be like" or we take what's presented as "normal" as the only thing that's tru.

 

Would any women date a man who is 30+ but never never had a girlfriend before?

YES!!!!!

 

Right now my explanation is something like "I've dated, buy haven't met anyone I wanted to be serious with. I was much shyer before than I am now also. I'm ready now, so I'm back to dating now; looking for something long-term and serious". It's true anyways. Hopefully women will buy it.

 

They don't have to "buy it" and it sounds like a reasonable explanation.

 

So when a straight man and woman date, who should pay for the first and later dates? I believe in gender equality, and if the woman does too, does that mean we should split the bill? That sounds fair and ethically consistent to me. Is it sexist if a man insists on paying? If a woman reaches for her wallet or purse, is that a test for the man? Or does she really mean it? What's the best thing to do? I think it's called chivalry...is it?

Follow your gut. Offer to pay. If you think that by date 4 or 5 they should pay their half, then early on you should see if she offers even when you say no - but don't go 9-10 dates with you always saying no - if you expect her to at some point.

 

What may make it even more difficult is the fact that I don't want children; not even adoptive. I like kids, but parenthood isn't for me, and I believe there are already too many people on the planet. It's for environmental reasons too. I fear that may vastly reduce my dating pool.

Well - you'd be surprised by both how your feelings may change, but also by how many people aren't sure they want kids either

[empresario]

The only thing you ever have to ask yourself is: am I happy with who I am? If not make some changes.

 

 

I only come in late to a thread if I can offer some unique viewpoint. I will provide a couple.

 

 

1) One of my life mottos is "it's never too late to do the right thing". I'm a late bloomer. I feel like the past 4-5 years have been my life. I don't even think about the 23 before that. That's the thing. Once you're happy you never dwell on wasted youth or what you should have been...because well...you're happy.

 

 

2) Always point the finger at yourself.

 

 

There is no substitution for confidence. You are responsible for your own happiness. Both preceding statements are true together. For example, It took me most my adult life to learn that the difference between those that get what they want and those that don't are separated by one thing. The ones that have, asked for it or put themselves in the position to get it.

 

 

This has nothing to do with who you are, what you've done, or what you do. It has everything to do with deciding you want something and putting yourself in a position to receive it. If you want it bad enough you will figure it out. We are humans. We're resilient like that. It's how a humble, skinny, socially-inept, most likely to fail loser (spoiler alert: it's me) turned it around and now gets everything he wants. If you went back 10 years and told everyone that knew me I would start multiple 8 figure companies and be on TV as an actor as a hobby, they would **** bricks sideways and probably give you a wedgie. If only the Pokémon club could see me now!

[Kosmo]

Been reading more stuff on the internet about lack of relationship and dating experience and depressing me. Seeing people much younger than me in relationships makes me depressed and feel immature.

 

How old is too old for a first girlfriend?

[Skippy1988]

You sound exactly like me! I'm 26 and I never had a girlfriend until very recently (been seeing this girl for a month, been dating for a week plus) and let me tell you man. It's not all that difficult to get a girlfriend. I used to think it was so hard and I could never make it past the 2nd date either bc I was afraid "I wouldn't have anything else to say", which was so stupid, you can

Literally talk about anything, literally. The girl I met isn't even the biggest talker and there's never an awkward silence. Oh also, I'm just like you in the sense that I am very inexperienced in the bedroom as well. It's all good man. My girl didn't even ask me about my past relationships, if she did I would've told her that I used to be shy, I was always working supporting myself so I didn't really have time. You'll find one man! Keep you're head up!! I used to be so like you its crazy. Wow. I've changed a lot already and so can you!! I ace faith in you! Good luck man!

[losangelena]

Been reading more stuff on the internet about lack of relationship and dating experience and depressing me. Seeing people much younger than me in relationships makes me depressed and feel immature.

 

How old is too old for a first girlfriend?

 

OK, well stop doing that!

 

My BF is 31; he was 30 when we met. I am his first real GF. I just turned 35, and even though I've had a little more experience than he has, I'd never dated someone longer than 6 weeks before I met him.

 

So don't worry about it.

 

It's like trying to get a job. You don't focus on your inexperience, you focus on what you're good at, at what you have to offer. A woman who likes you and finds you interesting will not mind if you haven't had much dating experience. Your personality and compatibility are more important. You can learn to be good at the "relationship stuff" as you go.

[Gary S]

1. I think that's absolutely wonderful. It's never detrimental to have standards!! It's much healthier in the long run.

• 20% of Americans have an STD
  
• 50% of sexually active youths will contract an STD by age 25
  
• As many as one in five Americans have genital herpes, yet up to 90% of them are unaware they have it (with all the purported sexual prowess here on the board, I wonder how many here are unknowingly spreading it)
  
• One out of 20 people in the United States will get infected with hepatitis B some time during their lives. (Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.)
  

Those are some scary odds. Why mess with the health of your nether region?!

 

 

As for your lack of experience, you don't need to explain anything. If you feel you have to explain, your current explanation sounds just fine.

 

 

No, it isn't sexist for a man to insist on paying, any more than it's sexist for a woman to cook a good meal for you. You should offer to pay, and hope that she insists on paying her own way - then let her. (I would never let a man pay my way if I were not in a relationship with him.)

 

 

Smart guy about not having kids. I agree 100%. Unfortunately, it'll be a bit of a challenge finding a woman who doesn't want any. Not impossible, though.

 

 

Don't worry so much. Some smart young lady is going to be glad she's not dealing with a guy who's stuck it in 200 women before her. She's the only woman you need to please!

 

 

- This is a great post by Daisybug, I wanted to point this out. The only thing I would add, most women want to have kids. Love is primarily a woman's game, you have to know the rules.

[ZA Dater]

It's like trying to get a job. You don't focus on your inexperience, you focus on what you're good at, at what you have to offer. A woman who likes you and finds you interesting will not mind if you haven't had much dating experience. Your personality and compatibility are more important. You can learn to be good at the "relationship stuff" as you go.

 

A very romantic notion, however unfortunately there are a great deal of females, for whom inexperience is a deal breaker.

 

 

Unless of course you bring something else substantial to the table. I'd imagine money and status would help.

[Kosmo]

A very romantic notion, however unfortunately there are a great deal of females, for whom inexperience is a deal breaker.

 

 

Unless of course you bring something else substantial to the table. I'd imagine money and status would help.

 

Thanks for your blunt honesty. If this is indeed the case/majority, then I think the best decision would be to find a way to be be at least content being single for the rest of my life. I can't go back in time to become experienced in something as basic and fundamental the human experience as love, sex, romance and/or whatever else people may call it.

 

I just couldnt get over my shyness and social anxiety and overall get my life together until around a couple years ago.

 

I recently tried signing up for OK Cupid dating site, but just thinking about dating while being less experienced than the average teenager and telling a woman that (after a few dates or whenever it comes up) scares the hell out of me.

[losangelena]

Thanks for your blunt honesty. If this is indeed the case/majority, then I think the best decision would be to find a way to be be at least content being single for the rest of my life. I can't go back in time to become experienced in something as basic and fundamental the human experience as love, sex, romance and/or whatever else people may call it.

 

I just couldnt get over my shyness and social anxiety and overall get my life together until around a couple years ago.

 

I recently tried signing up for OK Cupid dating site, but just thinking about dating while being less experienced than the average teenager and telling a woman that (after a few dates or whenever it comes up) scares the hell out of me.

 

OP, I really think your fears are overshadowing your reality.

 

If you met a woman who didn't have a lot of dating experience, would you write her off? What makes you think that every woman you conceivably meet is going to lose interest if she finds out you're inexperienced? I'm prone to overgeneralized, black-and-white thinking, too, but I just don't think your fears are going to play out the way you think they are. What do you think it is about this "experience" that women find so important?

 

Guess what? Everyone checks off some boxes in the negative column. No one's "perfect." For SOME women, a lack of experience will be a problem, just like any other number of things can be deal breakers. But for OTHER women, it won't be a problem.

 

And to all due respect to ZA Dater, I have to disagree. Not all women are only interested in experience, money or status.

 

It's hard, but don't psych yourself out.

[abby_tx]

Inexperience > sluttiness.

 

I'd date you. In fact, my last most meaningful relationship was with a guy who'd never really had a girlfriend. He was 30. He acted like more of a boyfriend than my previous boyfriend who'd never been single.

[Versacehottie]

Oh my gosh, I would never let general past inexperience stand in the way of dating a great guy who treats me well. Lots of the most successful people (which is an attractive quality) were/are late bloomers. They spend their younger years building their careers, getting more socially adept. It can be refreshing to interact with people such as this. As long as you brought current confidence to the relationship, most girls won't mind at all. I wouldn't even bring it up. What matters is the here and now. You may have a little bit of a hurdle to get over with being as physically experienced. You are letting this fear run your life. You're 30, no time like the present to get to it. Pick a girl that's a little less experienced too that might help.

 

As Losangelena said no one is perfect. If someone has considerably more relationship experience, they may be damaged from it or let it affect their current relationship which is never fun and can wreck a relationship. So there's an advantage you have right there. You just gotta work on your attitude. It's the only off-putting thing I've read from you. If you feel like a failure and defeated that's not attractive no matter what the reason you feel that way. Confidence overcomes almost all. Embrace who you are. Be kind to yourself. You know the reasons why you didn't date before. It doesn't mean you are defective now. or even were then. It's just the way things played themselves out. Good luck.

[Qboro90]

You're overthinking having to explain your inexperience to a girl you date. There is no need to outline why you haven't had a girlfriend to this point. Simply say you haven't been lucky enough to find someone that special and worth dating for an extended period of time. That's all. It's not something to bring up on a first date either. You have the opportunity on a first date and early in dating to become the guy who you want to be so just learn from each experience, be confident in yourself.

 

Remember, the women you meet whether it's online dating or randomly in the world are also single and either your age or around your age. They might have the same insecurities you have about "why they don't have a bf " at this point in their lives so you should feel safer knowing that they're in the same boat. Even if they've dated seriously before or had many boyfriends... Fact is that they are single now so essentially they haven't done anything better than you otherwise they wouldn't be looking.

[sb6052]

Yeah I'm not really sure how to handle these things that well either. Though I have had girlfriend experiences, they were relatively short, about 7 months or less, and perhaps atypical in their nature, so I too am somewhat "inexperienced".

 

The thing is, I've noticed when on a date or just talking to a woman who is clearly interested or attracted in me and I say something like I used to be shy back in the day or inexperienced or didn't always know what I was doing with women, that instantly seems to turn them off bigtime. Even though I tried to emphasize the past tense and 'used to be' part and tell them that I've made much progress and come a long way; it doesn't seem to matter and I notice a sudden and pronounced change in their demeanor toward me. Do many women just hate any kind of weakness shown by men?

 

On the other hand, my dad, who was quite a ladies man and was with over 50 women before settling down, said he used to even pretend to be shy with some girls to get them, and it worked. So I guess it all depends on the kind of girl.

[ZA Dater]

 

Remember, the women you meet whether it's online dating or randomly in the world are also single and either your age or around your age. They might have the same insecurities you have about "why they don't have a bf " at this point in their lives so you should feel safer knowing that they're in the same boat. Even if they've dated seriously before or had many boyfriends... Fact is that they are single now so essentially they haven't done anything better than you otherwise they wouldn't be looking.

 

 

Herein lies a sizeable for want of a better word "proviso". Our friend Qboro is very tacitly implying the following. "Find other females in the same boat as yourself". Nothing wrong with that per se and not a bad idea IF you would like to date a version of yourself.

 

 

My serious advice is: forget the inexperience and just try, see how it goes only then can you decide how to move forward, a great many people do find much happiness dating even inexperienced ones, but there are also many who simply, to quote another poster here "throw in the towel" for reasons for perpetual rejection and simply just being unable to find anyone or simply deciding life is a happier better place not dating. (it isn't but one can delude oneself I guess).

[JC4]

Welcome, fellow 30-something dating newbie.

 

Look, man. You need to learn to laugh at your fears and failures.

 

I'm 33. I have only had 4 girlfriends (well 5, if I admit to myself that I actually was in a relationship with that one) in the last 15 years, all long term, but not really any dating experience. I have been single for the last 4 years, but not dating. All my relationships formed "naturally", were extremely toxic, and downright awful. Every one dug me into a deeper hole of fearing relationships. You think it's bad starting at 0? Try starting in the negatives!

 

Only in the past few years have I come to terms with all this and accepted my contributions to the toxicity of these relationships (I think 30's about the age where these things start to happen, sounds like you're right on target to me), and only recently have I started actively dating. I'm a total dating retard and I have to tell you, it's so much fun. Learning to deal with rejection and failure is the most important thing. If you get turned down, which you will, just facepalm and carry on.

 

Practice I think helps the most. Try asking some girls out on dates. Try online dating, just for the practice. Sure you may make a total ass out of yourself the first few times, you are going to humiliate yourself more than once, but, making an ass out of one's self is actually kind of funny, always good for a laugh later, and you'll learn something and gain a little bit of confidence each time. If you keep fearing the unknown results you'll never get anywhere but once you know what rejection feels like you'll find it's not as unmanageable as you think.

 

Just remember to be respectful. If a girl doesn't want to go out with you then she doesn't want to go out with you and that's her choice. Same deal if she wants to stop dating you. When I'm feeling bad about myself I just read /r/creepyPMs and it makes me feel a little better again. Also I just recently discovered this forum and it's great.

 

You have to take some risks. You will fall and bruise your knees. Eventually you will grow stronger. 30 is not old, and don't underplay the fact that you are actually thinking about this and reaching out to people -- that's a huuuuuge step in itself although you might not realize it. You'll have a lot of failures, then one day, you'll find a good one, and there will be rainbows and confetti all around. Gather some good campfire horror stories in the mean time. Good luck!

Edited August 8, 2015 by JC4

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yup, I honestly do feel there are more male late bloomers than female late bloomers, and that's because guys are still stubbornly expected to be the initiators