cheechee Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi Guys, I posted here right after the breakup and received great advice to find myself "closure" (if there ever is one). Today is the 10th day without contact (he called me once last week I didn't pick up, then I called back 2 days later he didnt pick up) and he sent me a few messages in the middle of the day. He said: - Hi...Can we talk tonight? Maybe it's not a good idea. idk. I just want to talk with you. At the very least we should discuss T (our cat, living with me now) I guess I worry that if I talk to you I will just make your life harder or something.. It still hurts when I think about you. I'm not saying that I think I should try to reverse what happened It just hurts, and that scares me. idk what to do and like i said idk if i should tell you this type of stuff bc i still would be really reluctant to change things and all but it's just sad and i miss you you were my best friend but things are all ****ed up i'm sorry if i'm burdening you it's probably not fair to tell you this stuff 2 hours later... - I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. idk if it can possibly help either of us, so maybe i should just keep my mouth shut. I'm pretty mad that he said all these. Because I feel like this does not accomplish anything except for hurting me more. This is just him trying to make himself feel better and that is so selfish. If I were not as strong as I am right now, or not recovering as fast, I'd be devastated about his attitude making it clear that he doesn't want me back, and saying things are all ****ed up (which I'm still not sure what are they). Especially during this relationship I felt very secure and thought he's someone who would never hurt me (think Rachel to Ross), until the day he dumped me out of nowhere. So even if he goes 180, wanting to get me back I would still need to really think about it. I've been reading the NC guide and it was really clear that I should not talk to him. But he is not a bad person that would just do this to string me along. What should I do then? Keep NC? He sounds hesitant but if I keep NC would he just give up or change his mind? Please let me know what you think?
dyna85 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He sounds confused and like he doesn't know what he wants exactly. I would leave him be. If you respond, I would keep it short. No sense in dragging yourself further through the mud. He made the mess. It's not your job to clean it up for him. It seems like he wants to ease his pain by still keeping in contact with you. Yet you have your pain to deal with from him breaking your heart. Do what you need to do, but you are your #1 priority at this juncture. Keep that in mind.
54JA Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I think he meant every word of it. I believe it when he says he misses you, and that things are ****ed up. I do think he is hurting, lonely, and now seeing what life is like without you. But I do think he deserves to feel the pain he is feeling now because that is what it takes/needs to happen in order to find what he is looking for in a relationship. Because allowing him to take an alternate path means he gets to have you while he looks for somebody/something else (allowing him to be with you while him knowing he does not want to ultimately end up with you). I believe that he was being very honest in his text. You meant a lot to him. Some people don't even get that. Some people never even hear from their exes, wondering if the years they spent with them meant anything. I am not saying hearing from ex is better than not hearing from them. In a way, when dumpees are trying to move on, it's much kinder to leave them alone as contacting them to ease their own pain/guilt does not achieve anything. So, that is the extent of the value of his text, and it simply is not good enough. I read your story, and this is my selfish need to see you come out of this a winner. Don't reply to him because it is just not good enough. I would hate for him to think that his half-assessed text was good enough to re-open the path to you. I want him to know that it takes a lot more than "I don't wanna change but I miss you" to be worthy of your attention. Hang in there. 1
mossycup Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) omg my sympathy. i would hate it if my ex wrote an email like that. like you, i felt perfectly secure in the relationship until out of nowhere he dumped me right as we were going to move in together (we were also engaged). It was effing traumatic. he gave me a lot of reasons, none of which made a huge amount of emotional sense. the only thing keeping me on the steady path to stability, i sometimes feel, is complete lack of interaction with him. he did write one email, cheerfully congratulating me on a work project, which was terrible to read (although not surprising - when he dumped me, he chose to take a very "friendly" tone showing no real emotion, so I was not surprised when he tried to write a "friendly" email) and he liked a status on my facebook wall at one point, but that was weeks ago, and to the email i only gave a one line "friendly" reply (like basically, "thanks!"). I would find it ridiculously painful if he was to bring up his confusion to me. As much as it terribly sucks to now, after 9 weeks, still miss him and feel really hurt, at least I can move on with my life and not get dragged into his confusion. I know I'd be willing to work with him thru his confusion if he wanted to be with me, but if it's just to process his dumping of me, gah, that would be so rough! Sending you lots of positive energy to get through this! Edited July 14, 2015 by mossycup
pidgeon1010 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Ah my ex sent me something similar about 2 months ago. It went something like this [he is/was unemployed and pursuing potential opportunities with several companies in different geographic areas]: "I am sorry for writing but I miss you. I miss talking to you. This sucks. I am thinking about you. I don't know how to fix anything. At least you are shielded from all this uncertainty. This is all so emotionally draining. I hope you're well. Don't feel obligated to respond." I responded (bad idea) and we ended up emailing back and forth DAILY for a month until I realized it was going nowhere. He broke up with me to move out of state for a job that ended up not materializing. He then started pursuing other opportunities all over the country so he picked his career prospects over our relationship. He was very depressed about his professional life. I don't know if he ended up moving or what his current employment status is. I've been NC for a little over a month and feel much better.
minimariah Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 keep the NC. also... don't hesitate to block him. i'm sure he is a good dude but you need to think about yourself right now. so, block him so he can't reach you, keep up the NC & take it one day at a time. it gets easier and you'll get over it -- trust me. best of luck! 1
aloneinaz Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Another vote for blocking him. He dumped you and said "I don't want you in my life anymore".. When someone does that (which they have the right to do) we should ALWAYS give them what they wish. VANISH from their lives. You don't owe him anything. Certainly not a reply to a bread crumb text or email. He doesn't want you back and clearly knows his contacting you is only f'ing w/you head. He doesn't care. He's doing it so you'll keep him in your mind. Do yourself a favor. Block him on everything for YOU to heal from this and move on. 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I'm going through this right now. My fiance broke it off with me a week ago. After finding this amazing community, and getting so much sound advice ... I had to face the reality of my situation. She's NEVER coming back. It's OVER. So, following all the advice given, I have completely vanished from her life. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. You need to do this. Don't think about it and just do it. Just do as much as you can to remove him from your life.
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