Saying One Thing Doing Another (Interested In Military Spouses and Male Perspective)

[DC77]

Hello All. As usual, I welcome opinions, but I am hoping toget some responses from military spouses and some male perspective on this one…

 

 

I’ve been on here a couple times before on this guy. He is aformer combat soldier who is now on the path to desk job retirement. He can bevery rigid, but he can also be very sweet and goofy. He doesn’t seem to besuffering from PTSD but he does seem to be struggling to adjust to normal lifeand determining a career path.

 

 

We’ve been dating for about 7 months now. We broke up in thefirst 3 weeks partly because he felt emotionally unavailable and partly I wasstill determining what I was looking for in a relationship. But we got backtogether and decided to take it slow. We made it through 2 months of longdistance while he was away for training. During this time, he texted every day,we made sure we said goodnight every night, and he would thank me for beingawesome and patient with him.

 

 

Everything has changed since getting into our first fight.He has become distant. He doesn’t talk about the future like he use to. Hedoesn’t text with sweetness like he use to. He is very impatient with me. And heeven got back on a dating site. (I found this out on accident when his profileshowed up as a potential match in an email. I haven’t used the profile since westarted dating and it is now removed). But I asked him about it…He is a verydirect person. Though I feel his integrity has waivered, I believe him to behonest…He admitted he had been looking around. He also said he wasn’t feeling anemotional connection to me, which seemed to be a 180 from how he had been behaving.

 

 

Here is why I’m confused. What he’s saying and doing don’t agree.He says he wants the casual sex relationship, yet he isn’t anxious for sex.Instead he cuddles me when I stay over. He continues to text and give me hislittle updates, just not as frequently. He went out of his way to pick me up atthe airport. He took me out golfing for my first time ever (which I have to saywas a ton of fun!) He invites me to dinner parties with his neighbors. Hecooked me dinner last night. And he keeps little memorabilia of me around thehouse. A painting I gave him. My soap and toothbrush. A candle I sent him whenhe was away for 2 months. And he keeps a post card I sent him next to his bed.He insists we’re more than friends and he uses the word “monogamous” to me. Andhe says he is not looking for anybody else. Yet in all of this he is distantand emotionally unattached.

 

 

Ofcourse I suspect many opinions will be just move on, butevery woman he has ever been with has given up on him. Whether or not I shouldbe putting myself out there is another story but I’m not ready to give up.There’s an incredible person in there. I don’t know if I’ve ever come out and told him how I feeland why I think he’s incredible.

 

 

My proposed plan is to tell him how I feel. Andthen lay low and take some space.

 

 

Thoughts?

Edited July 13, 2015 by DC77

[DC77]

One other detail. Lately he has defaulted to a conversation we had when we first broke up in which I wasn't sure what I was looking for more than a casual sex relationship. There have been other conversations over the last 7 months but for some reason he has wiped those from his memory and focusing on this (which for me is no longer true).

 

(Also, apologies for the garbled post. It didn't quite paste properly)

Edited July 13, 2015 by DC77

[wb1988]

Do you judge a person by their words or their actions? If you go by actions then I don't see any problem with this guy.

[DC77]

Thank you for your response...I suppose I'm quite literal, which may be why I find the situation confusing.

[Redhead14]

Do you judge a person by their words or their actions? If you go by actions then I don't see any problem with this guy.

 

An emotionally healthy man may not be very expressive verbally but more demonstrative. They may not say they love you but their actions show you. If, however, they do say anything that is telling you something other than they love you, ie telling you they want casual sex but do things that make you think they love you, othat's when you go by the words and actions match concept. In this case, you believe what they are saying.

 

In other words, a guy may not be very verbal, so you go by the actions.

 

If they are verbalizing one thing and doing another, that's the difference. This guy told you he wants casual sex. Believe him.

 

If you can't, then do what you said, tell him what you want for yourself and leave it there. Let him come to you. But keep your heart guarded for

quite some time. Don't expect much from this one though. There is

something else going on on top of being contradictory.

 

There is su h a thing as a Quality Casual Guy. A guy who treats you like a girlfriend, does all those things, but doesn't want commitment or a true emotional connection with a woman. He wants and needs a woman but can't invest himself or doesn't want to.

Edited July 14, 2015 by Redhead14

[RoseVille]

Do you judge a person by their words or their actions? If you go by actions then I don't see any problem with this guy.

 

While I agree when the words are good and the actions are bad, this isn't necessarily true here, where his words are bad and his actions are good.

 

He's leaving himself an out. Take him at his word. The online dating profile thing, telling you he's not feeling connected to you, would be enough for most people with boundaries to leave.

 

I'm ex-military and have dated my share of military. His service has nothing to do with this situation.

[DC77]

Thank you RoseVille... I mention his military background because he has expressed some of his issues and inability to connect with women are because of the combat life he has had. I know he is still trying to cope with his past.

[RoseVille]

Thank you RoseVille... I mention his military background because he has expressed some of his issues and inability to connect with women are because of the combat life he has had. I know he is still trying to cope with his past.

 

Emotional numbing is very common with PTSD, that is true. But the combination of factors you've presented tell me that he likes you, just not enough to limit his options. He wants to explore. I say let him, but don't wait around. Make yourself scarce.