SparklingandBroken Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 So, I'm in a pretty serious relationship with someone I knew 15 years ago. Things have been going well, but there have been a few things I've tucked away for consideration. We're both 30 FYI. For starters, we reconnected on a dating website. His profile stated he did not smoke or do drugs and he indicated he drank but I don't remember his specific selection. After a few dates, he "accidentally" texted me instead of a friend about smoking again since Super Bowl or something. I thought that was weird. Then around that same time, he had butt dialed me (I guess) and left some voicemail--he was with a friend and I could hear him say "this weed is good, better than last time." I don't know if either of those two things would bother me so much if it wasn't for his fibbing on actually doing it. Smoke weed? Say it...recreationally...whatever. But don't act like you're straight edge if you're not. I don't know if he thought I would judge him for it or what. Anyway, we talked about it and it was never an issue since. After about a month of dating, he told me he loved me. Which I didn't think was too insane considering our age and the fact that we've known each other for so long and had history together. He was going on about how he doesn't normally say it, and he's only told 2 girls ever, the last time being when he was 19. Well, that is obviously a lie. And again, I don't care HOW many people he's said it to, but it makes me question the motivation behind it when he had to add in that extra bit which isn't even true. Fast forward several months, we now live together. I won't go into all that because this thread would be huge. He went out with friends a week ago and when he came home he definitely seemed high, so I asked him. He swore up and down he wasn't. Unfortunately, I have a terrible sense of smell so I wouldn't know. Last night, I went to the basement to vacuum and clean up and for the first time spotted his bong behind the couch. And then a pipe on the floor in another room which definitely wasn't there before. I guess this raises several questions--and I have never smoked anything, done any drugs and very seldom drink. I have always thought that people who still get high at this age were losers. (He doesn't know that) but I was willing to keep an open mind..as long as there was open communication. Is getting high at 30 really an issue? I thought maybe someone with more experience could offer more insight. And should I be concerned about all the dumb little lies? It has always been my belief that if you lie about the little stuff, you lie about everything else.
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 It is not necessary for him to lie about the weed smokage at his age. When 30 year olds are still smoking it's usually because they genuinely like it and want to do it. He is probably afraid that you'll leave him if you know the extent to his weed smoking. Have you made it clear that you don't mind it, if its not excessive? The I love you thing was maybe to try and make you feel good... However in my experience someone who lies a little, tends to lie a lot. 4
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Another thing is, he never invites me to hang out with his friends. The other gfs are there and he always sends some text about everyone always asking where I am. But then makes no effort to invite me. He also immediately showers when getting home after going out. This has always been in my list of signs bf/gf/spouse is cheating but I didn't say anything. He volunteered that the bar was smokey and he didn't want to get in bed with me smelling like smoke. Could be true. I had no suspicion until the last 2 weeks, but with my history sometimes I think I am overly cautious. (Ex husband cheated and I ignored signs for too long). Current bf has also slept on the couch a few times recently...the first sign my ex was cheating. I mentioned this to him. I have also noticed that my bf sleeps with his phone underneath his pillow or right by him, not on bedside table. And he often puts his phone down when I walk into the room. He really is very sweet, but maybe I'm nervous because it seems too good to be true. And these little things I'm discovering are starting to put cracks in my image of him as a partner.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 It is not necessary for him to lie about the weed smokage at his age. When 30 year olds are still smoking it's usually because they genuinely like it and want to do it. He is probably afraid that you'll leave him if you know the extent to his weed smoking. Have you made it clear that you don't mind it, if its not excessive? The I love you thing was maybe to try and make you feel good... However in my experience someone who lies a little, tends to lie a lot. After the voicemail incident, he said he only smoked weed on occasion with friends. I told him that didn't bother me. I'm just now wondering if it's more than that. And I agree about the lying thing. That has been my experience.
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 The shower thing could be because he doesn't want you to smell the weed he's been smoking, also could be why he doesn't bring you along with friends because he doesn't want you to see him and his friends smoking it... However! If his phone is always attached to his hip and doesn't leave his side without an excuse like work, for example, then I would also be suspicious. My ex would take his phone everywhere, even to the bathroom, even when he was running inside the store, would always turn his blue-tooth off when we were in the vehicle together. He was always chatting to other women. I'm not saying this is what he is doing... It's just my experience.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Did you ask him about his bong and pipe? I did not. Partly because I didn't want it to turn into an argument because I wasn't sure how to feel about it yet. And..I wanted to see for myself if it's used when his friends aren't over.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 The shower thing could be because he doesn't want you to smell the weed he's been smoking, also could be why he doesn't bring you along with friends because he doesn't want you to see him and his friends smoking it... However! If his phone is always attached to his hip and doesn't leave his side without an excuse like work, for example, then I would also be suspicious. My ex would take his phone everywhere, even to the bathroom, even when he was running inside the store, would always turn his blue-tooth off when we were in the vehicle together. He was always chatting to other women. I'm not saying this is what he is doing... It's just my experience. That was my thought about the shower thing as well, until I noticed his phone habits. What does turning off the blue tooth do??
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 That was my thought about the shower thing as well, until I noticed his phone habits. What does turning off the blue tooth do?? On newer vehicles it automatically connects with your car for hands free calling and texting. So if he got a call or a text, the vehicle would say "A text from so and so" or a call would come in and show who was calling. He would turn this off when I was in the vehicle, meaning I wouldn't see who was calling or texting him. He was a real winner
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 On newer vehicles it automatically connects with your car for hands free calling and texting. So if he got a call or a text, the vehicle would say "A text from so and so" or a call would come in and show who was calling. He would turn this off when I was in the vehicle, meaning I wouldn't see who was calling or texting him. He was a real winner AHHH, thanks for explaining! I'm sorry you had to deal with that guy. "When you hurt somebody who loves you it's not your betrayal you should be sorry for. The pain you've inflicted will be severe but it will pass. No, the cruelest legacy you can leave on a person is the crippling belief that the rest of the world is as selfish and disloyal as you." I found that quote after kicking my ex out, and it is very true for me. I'm no longer sure if I can trust my instinct or if I'm just paranoid history will keep repeating itself. 1
wb1988 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) So many threads of women complaining about their bf. He watches too much porn, he won't tell me about his ex, he won't get his sister & dog to move out, and now he smokes too much weed. Jeez, accept that if he ain't cheating on you then you should stfu although the bluetooth part was kinda funny. Actually I still empty out my recent call logs on my car out of habit. I'm sure that you have more than your fair share of problems. He smokes weed and you have a problem with him smoking weed seems pretty fair to me. Edited July 13, 2015 by wb1988
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 So many threads of women complaining about their bf. He watches too much porn, he won't tell me about his ex, he won't get his sister & dog to move out, and now he smokes too much weed. Jeez, accept that if he ain't cheating on you then you should stfu although the bluetooth part was kinda funny. Actually I still empty out my recent call logs on my car out of habit. I'm sure that you have more than your fair share of problems. He smokes weed and you have a problem with him smoking weed seems pretty fair to me. Wow, that was helpful. So, in your opinion, the only requirement for a good relationship is not being cheated on? How old are you--12? 2
MissBee Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Why did you move in with him given your concerns? For me, moving in is a prelude to a more serious commitment, i.e. marriage. So if we're just dating and I feel you tell all kinds of small lies all the time and I have a problem with your drug use, moving in is NOT the next logical step. The issue is not whether or not a 30 year old who smokes is a loser, but whether or not you feel secure and find it acceptable that you're in a relationship where you have so many concerns and you KNOW your bf lies to you often. Aside from the smoking, all those other things about showering as he gets home, couch sleeping, phone under pillow etc...trust your gut. If you've been cheated on before, then pay attention to anything that seems amiss. For me, if I am suspicious that is already a problem, as in a secure, healthy, happy relationship you're not constantly worried like this and your partner doesn't consistently lie to you.
Author SparklingandBroken Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Why did you move in with him given your concerns? For me, moving in is a prelude to a more serious commitment, i.e. marriage. So if we're just dating and I feel you tell all kinds of small lies all the time and I have a problem with your drug use, moving in is NOT the next logical step. The issue is not whether or not a 30 year old who smokes is a loser, but whether or not you feel secure and find it acceptable that you're in a relationship where you have so many concerns and you KNOW your bf lies to you often. Aside from the smoking, all those other things about showering as he gets home, couch sleeping, phone under pillow etc...trust your gut. If you've been cheated on before, then pay attention to anything that seems amiss. For me, if I am suspicious that is already a problem, as in a secure, healthy, happy relationship you're not constantly worried like this and your partner doesn't consistently lie to you. Like I said, the stuff in the very beginning was something we discussed and then it was never an issue again. The rest I didn't know until moving in very recently. We both agreed that living together with someone was a must before marrying them and it happened when it did because my house sold and the apartment I was going to move to fell through. Maybe too soon, but it has been working in all other aspects. Like I said in some of my comments, I'm paranoid about some of those things because of my past, not necessarily my current bf.
xcupid Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Sounds to me that you've established (1) he smokes weed (2) he lies. Only thing left to find out is if he's cheating (and something is definitely up with being attached to his phone 24/7.) This guy sounds like he's going to be a world of drama and hurt for you down the road the way he's going. Time to listen to your gut and instincts.
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) AHHH, thanks for explaining! I'm sorry you had to deal with that guy. "When you hurt somebody who loves you it's not your betrayal you should be sorry for. The pain you've inflicted will be severe but it will pass. No, the cruelest legacy you can leave on a person is the crippling belief that the rest of the world is as selfish and disloyal as you." I found that quote after kicking my ex out, and it is very true for me. I'm no longer sure if I can trust my instinct or if I'm just paranoid history will keep repeating itself. I love that quote! It is so very true. My ex is too dumb to understand what it means though. He will treat someone else the same, just as he treated the ones before me likewise. I feel sorry for them already. EDIT: Wanted to mention that I know what it's like to have the whole paranoia carry over from past relationships. That little voice inside your head keeps the doubt alive. The little voice that doubts something they've said or done. It's not healthy. The fact that you've caught him in little lies is not helping that at all. It's probably just going to grow your insecurity. You need to have a serious chat with him about everything. Edited July 14, 2015 by LivingDeadGrl
Male Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Like I said, the stuff in the very beginning was something we discussed and then it was never an issue again. Translation : It was discussed and then he knew what he had to hide from you.
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