Another girl with ex issues

[mightycpa]

I just need help understanding how someone could do such a complete 180 overnight like that and cut me out of their life completely. Our connection was so ****ing strong. He even drove me two hours away to meet his family. Is it possible that he was just infatuated? Did he get cold feet and run away from the committment? Do you think he’ll regret it? How long do you think it will take? Do you think he’d come around? I know not to wait around for him, I just want to try and understand the situation so I can cope a little better. I really thought he was the one, and it seemed so mutual. We just clicked, even if we wouldn’t say the “L” word yet, but we both definitely agreed we felt it. Any insight would be so appreciated.

 

Ok, first, I'm sorry, I read this whole thing backwards. My first comment still stands.

 

Second, this snippet resonated with me.Let me tell you about one of my stories.

 

Our connection was so ****ing strong.

I was dating the BEST ****ing girl a guy could have. Pretty, hot body, financially self-sufficient, no friend drama, no work drama, no relationship drama. Fun-loving, good-natured, good cook, neat and tidy and she ****ed like a porn star. I was so lucky to have a girl like that. And she loved me to death, and she acted like it. I honestly think I was the love of her life at the time. I'm definitely a contender for all-time LOHL. I recognized all of this while I was with her, and I treated her like the gold she was. She was my best girlfriend ever,

 

Our connection was so ****ing strong.

including the girl that I left her for who I married. I even tell my wife that my ex holds that title. I had and have no complaints. None.

 

Our connection was so ****ing strong.

I'm not lying about that. It was.

 

But I left her for someone that I just met, because of two things:

 

 

1. I felt a spark of love for the new girl and
   
2. I never fell in deep love with the ex. If I had, she'd be my wife today. But I didn't and I really don't know why. On paper, she was it. In real life, she wasn't. It was more like "love lite".. like a never-ending crush or something. It was lesser.
   

We just clicked, even if we wouldn’t say the “L” word yet

My wife is her equal in some ways. She is her superior in others, and her inferior in yet others. In other words, she's pretty awesome too, but just different. The ex didn't like her... she gave her a nickname and everything. It was the unkindest I'd ever seen the ex treat anybody, and in the whole scheme of things, the ex simply wasn't mean. She was just hurt.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is not all about the superior qualities that you may possess. There is something more, something intangible, and it expresses itself in the form of love.

 

We just clicked, even if we wouldn’t say the “L” word yet

If he never loved you, then, well, it doesn't really matter how great you are when you are compared to the one he feels all the butterflies about.

 

This is something my ex knew. She fought for our relationship exactly once. When I explained myself to her, she yielded because she knew it was a lost cause. This actually caused me to respect her even more, not that my respect did her any good. But I think of her today with nothing but affection and respect.

 

We just clicked, even if we wouldn’t say the “L” word yet, but we both definitely agreed we felt it.

I'm not sure how that last part works. Either you did or you didn't. If you did, I can't imagine what the hesitation was all about.

 

How do you want to be remembered? There is not much you can do, and if you never uttered the "L" word, there's your answer.

 

Maybe this will help you. It happens, and it's nobody's fault. I'm sorry, I'm sure it hurts. I wish you a lot of luck.

[finalendeavor]

It's tough, you know? We really supported each other to become better people. I think we were afraid to say love because it was the first time we had met, but it really was there.

 

The reason why I'm feeling like I'm in limbo, is because I know he gets in really dark places and occasionally cuts people out. I know I deserve better, but I still keep hoping that that's all it is, even if that's still ****. I still have that little glimmer of hope that he'll apologize and tell me he ****ed up, that he was struggling. I remember, two days before this all went down, he said "Leslie, please, if you think I'm personally struggling, ask me about it", and I told him that even if I didn't always immediately ask, I still always gave a **** and would be there. The next day, he went to that wedding and had an epiphany. I don't believe the friend, because Chris (ex) told me that his friends don't really understand what's actually going on his mind. That I was the only one he could share his real feelings with.

 

I think that's why I'm able to handle being dragged through the dirt. My feelings for him are genuinely unconditional, I just understand.

[finalendeavor]

The note I ended it on with his friend, is that if Chris ever decided to come around, I'd be there for him (not necessarily in a strictly relationship way).

 

I know that everyone disagrees, that I should play the "hard to get, bad bitch, you're going to regret this" role, but at the end of the day, that's legitimately how I feel about him, and I can't apologize for it. I just have to let it go

[quattrob]

The note I ended it on with his friend, is that if Chris ever decided to come around, I'd be there for him (not necessarily in a strictly relationship way).

 

I know that everyone disagrees, that I should play the "hard to get, bad bitch, you're going to regret this" role, but at the end of the day, that's legitimately how I feel about him, and I can't apologize for it. I just have to let it go

 

 

No one's telling you to play the "hard to get, bad bitch" role. More like you don't want to show your hand, at least not in a way where it gives him the sense that you're always waiting for him to return. Because that to me is just silly and he'll take advantage of that fact and not to mention that would tempt him to use you as a backup. It is fine to let him know that if he ever comes around and wants to reconcile that you'd be ok to listen to what he has to say but only if you were still available and not with someone else.

 

It is really idiotic to wait for something that may or may not happen, Nothing in this world is worth putting your own life at full stop/halt. It is just incredibly foolish to do so.

[finalendeavor]

Sorry, I wasn't trying to sound any kind of way. I just don't want to give everyone on here the impression I'm being really desperate or anything, hahahaha. My mind is in 1000 places.

 

I'm not waiting for him, I just haven't shook off that bit off hope yet. Its only been two weeks, it sucks.

[RoseVille]

That what I thought, but if that was the case, I don't know how the entire week I stayed could've went so well. I mean, he even had me meet his family. Beyond that, he was asking about what sort of living arrangement I'd prefer after I left. If he found something about me so off-putting or annoying, then why would he still be instigating things after I left? That's why I'm so confused. He literally went from talking to me about whether or not I preferred an apartment or a duplex, that his mom thought I was marriage material, and buying me things, to telling me he wasn't feeling it two days later.

 

What takes off like a bottle rocket has to come down like one. Relationships that move this fast rarely work out. He realized it; wondering why you don't?

[finalendeavor]

Jesus RoseVille, you're harsh.

[LeslieKnope]

I know how you feel. I just broke up with someone who bought a house earlier this year and at the beginning he was desperate to make me feel comfortable, said the house needed a 'woman's touch', that sort of thing. He was very intense about our relationship...until he just wasn't. I'm really sorry you're going through this now.

[finalendeavor]

It's just crazy, all of his friends and family even thought I was a different scenario, that he felt different about me than his exes. I think the pressure he felt from his friends and family killed it. His friends were getting engaged, his mom was pushing for him to get married, and his dad was sitting back telling him to run as far as he can because he'll throw away his "young years". It really blows, I just thought he cared so much. And I hate that his friend told me, "I know it doesn't seem like it, but he does really care. **** just changed". I'm a fourteen year old girl again

[finalendeavor]

I guess it's also worth noting how much he hated on himself the last time we spoke, saying, "god, I'm going to ****ing die alone", like he knew he was doing a dumb thing or something

[Reiben17]

It was, but it was honestly exactly like how we communicated virtually. None of it was awkward, at all. Even he commented on how peculiar it was that the transition was so smooth. I suspect he broke it off because he wasn't ready for me to live with him, but he couldn't handle an ldr either. I'm just hoping he misses me and regrets leaving me high and dry like that. He really did think I was a goddess. He always said how much he loved my sophistication, intelligence, and confidence. He loved my body, he loves that I was so self sufficient. And the sex was ace, too. I think it was too good for him, he had a hard time lasting because he said he'd never seen a figure like mine before. I felt like his dream girl. He also loved that I game, listen to the same music, and go to the gym too. The list goes on an on. This is why I feel like he'll regret it

 

He'll regret losing you,

Definitely will MISS you,

 

If its so emotionally strong,

 

He'll definitely feel your absence,

Ofcourse nothing can be said about a complete reconciliation.

 

For now,

Let him be.

 

The more you push,

The further he'll go.

Edited July 14, 2015 by Reiben17

[finalendeavor]

For anyone who is curious, we're at 2 and a half weeks without contact, and I don't see it coming anytime soon, if at all.

 

Thank you for your advice, Reiben17. I'm hoping that he didn't scare himself away for good. A lot of turbulence seemed to begin in his life. I don't think the situation was personal, but I do think that the timing just wasn't quite right- he's convinced himself he's not ready for the next stage. I'm just confused as to why I've been cut off 100%- it's doubly awkward that his friends don't seem to understand that, too. Usually when a guy leaves a girl, his friends treat her like she has the ****ing plague. Especially after "It's definitely over for good".

 

With the way he ended everything, particularly how abruptly, it's like I did something horrible (cheating, etc.). And I know everyone says that breakups are typically always very premeditated, but he really literally went from saying "no matter what, I will be living with you in August" to cutting things off two days later, acting fine in between. He even bought me Fallout 4 :'(

Edited July 14, 2015 by finalendeavor

[hotmrw]

Sorry I missed the bit where he ignored you already, many apologies, in that case I would not contact him until he contacts you, you seem really sweet, some people are just innately crap, keep your head up high, it is his loss

 

But my bet is he will be back, sooner or later, they usually always do x

 

God bless, Darren.

[hotmrw]

@finalendeavor

 

Don't let the idiots on here get you down, some people just like to post crap which doesn't really help, I have had it myself and my situation is one of the most brutal anyone could ever have to go through, I know its hard but you need to just take everything one day at a time, what will be will be, what is yours will come to you x

 

PS: Please read my quote from Winston Churchill when you are feeling low, it helps me

 

Best wishes, Darren x

[finalendeavor]

Thanks for the support, Darren. I don't understand why some people are so dead-set convinced that this guy never really liked me all much and that the whole thing was entirely one-sided, lol. He was more of a romantic than I was, but not in a completely contrived way.

 

The hardest part is that I know it's not me. It's entirely his own situations and how he's choosing to see everything; I feel like I'm being shut out because he's having a hard time.

 

I wanted insight; how long it takes guys to miss people, if it's a recoverable case of cold feet, things like that. It's frustrating that the most difficult questions are the ones that only time can answer.

[coryreply]

I wanted insight; how long it takes guys to miss people, if it's a recoverable case of cold feet, things like that. It's frustrating that the most difficult questions are the ones that only time can answer.

 

That's exactly right. There is no established set of answers to your question. Every person and every situation is different.

[finalendeavor]

Thanks for the input guys. Still hoping he contacts me at some point. Any additional insight/opinions are always appreciated. He hasn't unfriended me from social media, but he's definitely being careful to not acknowledge anything I post.

[LeslieKnope]

I think for now you just have to stay the course and have faith that it will resolve itself, whether he comes back to you or you move on. Every relationship is different.

 

I'll just point out one thing though, while being sensitive to your pain, one that I understand so well and am currently still experiencing: past behaviour is usually the best indicator of future behaviour. Suppose you do get back together. What's to say he won't pull a 180 like this again? I'm not saying you shouldn't care for him or want him back. I'm just saying you deserve better. All of us on here deserve better.

[finalendeavor]

Staying the course is all I can do. That's tough though, knowing that even if you do end up back together, the relationship won't ever truly be the same. It's hope. "Love" instills the craziest degrees of hope in people.

[learnbyliving]

I empathize with you OP. I'm sorry you are going through this bewildering, traumatic time.

 

I don't understand why some people are so dead-set convinced that this guy never really liked me all much and that the whole thing was entirely one-sided, lol. He was more of a romantic than I was, but not in a completely contrived way.

 

Some people here can be too harsh, but I don't think that's what most people were trying to say. There is a difference between like and love. Like can and often does also involve intense feelings (infatuation), declarations of unique connections/perfect compatibility, romantic sweeping gestures, and unfortunately promises that are not ultimately backed up.

 

mightcpa's post on having the most perfect girlfriend on paper, but ultimately leaving her because he was not in love is the scariest post I have ever read . It is terrifying to me because I accept that it is a legitimate thing for some people, but I doubt I'll ever have that same mindset myself.

 

I accept it is true because I just experienced it. My ex also praised me to high heaven, told me how great and different I was from his hellish ex, pronounced many times how we were so comfortable and click with each other etc. But indeed the 'L' word was never said. He broke it off 1 week after an awesome vacation together. Part of it is his own issues about commitment, but I hate to admit that part of it was also because it was not real love.

 

I struggle with the circular argument of it. It was not love because he wasn't willing to work through his issues with me … because he didn't love me … yet he didn't give it a chance to become something deeper … because of his issues.

 

It's better to accept the bottom line that he's gone instead of calculating the odds it can still work out because of the particular situation.

 

Best wishes

[mightycpa]

mightcpa's post on having the most perfect girlfriend on paper, but ultimately leaving her because he was not in love is the scariest post I have ever read .

Um... thank you?

I struggle with the circular argument of it. It was not love because he wasn't willing to work through his issues with me … because he didn't love me … yet he didn't give it a chance to become something deeper … because of his issues.

I think it is perfectly normal to question the sincerity of the relationship if you've been tossed to the side, and from your perspective it seems so easy for the other person. I think that falling in love has very little to do with relationship work, but I also learned (from Miss Perfect) that the regular work you do is what helps make the relationship work writ large. It eases things, builds trust and puts good faith in the bank.

 

But these are two independent variables. You can have each thing without the other and it sounds like that's what you think did you in - not enough love to do the work, not enough work to build the love. And I think that's where you're going wrong in your analysis.

 

Love can be strengthened by relationship work, but not built out of whole cloth. You have to start with that natural burning flame, and begin to do the work when it doesn't feel like work. To hear you tell it, it sounds like that's what was missing for you two.

 

Whatever the truth in your situation, your heart and mind will be in conflict about this for some time. You'll know the truth, but part of you will refuse to go along. That can be painful and disconcerting. Let your mind take the lead; your heart will come along soon enough.

[finalendeavor]

I feel like it really is so much harder when the dumper leaves things so open ended. The last thing he said was "I think I need to be alone" and when I asked him how long, he said "I don't know", telling me he swears he's going to " die alone". I wasn't even sure I got dumped until he took his relationship status off of Facebook. That open-endedness always keeps the hope alive.

[ravfour4]

My ex said she wasn't cut out for a relationship and should probably never have kids or get married. Then she hopped into a relationship a few days later with an older married coworker with kids....they lie like a mofo during a break up to protect their pride and in an attempt to protect your feelings, although that part almost always backfires tenfold

[finalendeavor]

He didn't even really lie, he just kind of vanished like a little bitch. I honestly think that the fact that we'd be living together and fully committed scared the **** out of him, particularly where his parent's relationship is an absolute joke. The more time with NC goes by, the more sad I think it is that he completely threw a relationship away like that, instead of having the balls to talk it through.

[frigginlost]

He didn't even really lie, he just kind of vanished like a little bitch. I honestly think that the fact that we'd be living together and fully committed scared the **** out of him, particularly where his parent's relationship is an absolute joke. The more time with NC goes by, the more sad I think it is that he completely threw a relationship away like that, instead of having the balls to talk it through.

 

There it is. You're starting to build a scar and heal. Keep going, you're doing great.

 

As a guy, I don't quite follow his actions. It would appear that there is someone else involved, but after reading what you have wrote, I'm not so sure is, and it is not always the case.

 

Honestly, the guy seems like a straight up coward.