Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 It's fine for people who don't have boundaries I guess. But for those of us who do have relationship boundaries (i.e. the expectation for trust and fidelity), it's not ok for your significant other to go camping with someone of the opposite sex, especially if you can't be there. I'm not really understanding how you can advocate trust by acting like you don't trust. You either trust your partner or you don't. Making demands that some one cancel plans when they've shown no signs of being untrustworthy is insecurity. Insecurity is not healthy, and it's just one step below controlling.
GorillaTheater Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Not a linear analogy. It would become linear if my SO demanded I not eat the food because she is on a diet. I'm not really understanding how you can advocate trust by acting like you don't trust. You either trust your partner or you don't. Making demands that some one cancel plans when they've shown no signs of being untrustworthy is insecurity. Insecurity is not healthy, and it's just one step below controlling. I'm not sure I see folks on this thread advocating making demands. In any event, I'd agree that demanding anything is not the way to go.
writergal Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'm not really understanding how you can advocate trust by acting like you don't trust. You either trust your partner or you don't. Making demands that some one cancel plans when they've shown no signs of being untrustworthy is insecurity. Insecurity is not healthy, and it's just one step below controlling. Where did I advocate making demands to the OP? It's not demanding to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you aren't comfortable with him/her going camping alone with someone of the opposite sex, without you. Edit to add: It's called communication. If you aren't cool with someone you're in a relationship doing something, you have to tell them you're not cool with it, or suffer the consequences of not speaking up. Which is passive-aggressive. And that's horrible communication. Do not tell me you would ok your girlfriend going camping with some guy without you there, especially since you two are parents. You would go crazy if she did that to you, wouldn't you? Going on a trip, going camping with someone of the opposite sex while you are in a relationship is just setting the stage for a breakup to happen. If you are married and your spouse wants to go camping with someone of the opposite sex without you, you wouldn't be okay with that. 1
darkmoon Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 one night of camping and women look terrible, i doubt whether much will happen, lol
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Where did I advocate making demands to the OP? It's not demanding to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you aren't comfortable with him/her going camping alone with someone of the opposite sex, without you. Edit to add: It's called communication. If you aren't cool with someone you're in a relationship doing something, you have to tell them you're not cool with it, or suffer the consequences of not speaking up. Which is passive-aggressive. And that's horrible communication. Do not tell me you would ok your girlfriend going camping with some guy without you there, especially since you two are parents. You would go crazy if she did that to you, wouldn't you? Going on a trip, going camping with someone of the opposite sex while you are in a relationship is just setting the stage for a breakup to happen. If you are married and your spouse wants to go camping with someone of the opposite sex without you, you wouldn't be okay with that. I'm.definitely the wrong guy to ask about camping trip. My ex did cheat on me on a camping trip. That being said, I trust until I'm given a reason not to, and then it's over. If they cheat, they cheat, and it's over. Oh well. but guys, if your mate is going to cheat, they are GOING to cheat. The presence of a camping trip does nothing to help/hinder a partner that intends to cheat. 1
writergal Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'm.definitely the wrong guy to ask about camping trip. My ex did cheat on me on a camping trip. That being said, I trust until I'm given a reason not to, and then it's over. If they cheat, they cheat, and it's over. Oh well. but guys, if your mate is going to cheat, they are GOING to cheat. The presence of a camping trip does nothing to help/hinder a partner that intends to cheat. Whoa so you let her go on a camping trip without you and she cheated? That's harsh sorry that happened. Yet, you are against people speaking their minds with their partners about their partners' choices, like going camping without them, and with someone of the opposite sex instead of you? How is that justifiable, especially since you have first-hand experience with being cheated on in this exact scenario? I agree with you that the person is going to cheat if they want to, no matter what you say. But then, that isn't really the point. The point is, should the OP speak up to her boyfriend about how she feels with two women joining her boyfriend on a camping trip? I say, speak up. If you are in a relationship with someone, it's imperative to communicate. If you choose not to say anything, then you only have yourself to blame when your partner does something that upsets you. If they know doing something like camping with someone of the opposite sex will offend you, then if they care about you, they won't go. If they don't care, they'll accuse you of being insecure to undermine your self-confidence (which is pretty immature of them), and will go anyway, knowing it upsets you. Who wants to be in a relationship with that kind of person? Not me. 2
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 If Michael and Emma are going to cheat, then sure they can cheat at 2pm on a Thursday afternoon as well as at any other time. If Michael is seeing Hannah, and Emma keeps her distance then it is unlikely Michael and Emma will get close enough to consider cheating. There are boundaries to cross and most decent people will just not go there. BUT place two or three horny individuals on a camping trip for 3 whole days and nights without their partners, with the chances of getting caught out being just about nil, then anything can happen especially if alcohol and/or drugs are involved too. 3
writergal Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 If Michael and Emma are going to cheat, then sure they can cheat at 2pm on a Thursday afternoon as well as at any other time. If Michael is seeing Hannah, and Emma keeps her distance then it is unlikely Michael and Emma will get close enough to consider cheating. There are boundaries to cross and most decent people will just not go there. BUT place two or three horny individuals on a camping trip for 3 whole days and nights without their partners, with the chances of getting caught out being just about nil, then anything can happen especially if alcohol and/or drugs are involved too. ^This. OP, if you aren't comfortable with your boyfriend camping with these two women without you there, speak up. Otherwise, if you don't speak up and he cheats on you with either of them, what will you do?
norajane Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I would have a discussion about it with him so he could understand any concerns or questions I had, but I wouldn't demand that he not go or throw a fit to prevent him from going. I expect my bf to be an adult who can maintain relationship fidelity without me needing to be present at all times to make sure he doesn't cheat, or prohibiting him from certain things to make sure he doesn't cheat. I expect him to respect me and our relationship. If lack of opportunity were the only thing preventing him from cheating, I wouldn't want to be with him, so he should absolutely go ahead and cheat if he's that way so I can know he's that way sooner rather than later. And yes, my bf has gone on mixed-gender scuba trips without me with my blessing, and I would absolutely send him camping without me because I loathe camping.
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 And yes, my bf has gone on mixed-gender scuba trips without me with my blessing, I guess a mixed gender scuba trip is slightly different from the cosy one man, his female friend and another woman, camping trip scenario here. 1
sandylee1 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Why are they going camping when you can't make it? Surely this should have been arranged with all parties availability. Do you like camping OP? If you trust your BF and he's with his friend that you trust, then there should be nothing to worry about.
No Limit Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 BUT place two or three horny individuals on a camping trip for 3 whole days and nights without their partners, with the chances of getting caught out being just about nil, then anything can happen especially if alcohol and/or drugs are involved too. This pretty much sums it up. 1
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Whoa so you let her go on a camping trip without you and she cheated? That's harsh sorry that happened. Nah, I didn't "Let" anyone do anything. She started an argument, left, met up with 5 dudes she did not know, went camping and had sex with one of them. It was more like a spiteful manipulation tactic than a spontaneous "whoops I cheated" moment, but regardless, I live by the trust until its broken method. 1
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 BUT place two or three horny individuals on a camping trip for 3 whole days and nights without their partners, with the chances of getting caught out being just about nil, then anything can happen especially if alcohol and/or drugs are involved too. I guess its hard for me to empathize with this mindset because that's not how I behave, and the only experience I have in mentality is my own. 1
writergal Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Nah, I didn't "Let" anyone do anything. She started an argument, left, met up with 5 dudes she did not know, went camping and had sex with one of them. It was more like a spiteful manipulation tactic than a spontaneous "whoops I cheated" moment, but regardless, I live by the trust until its broken method. Wow, sorry to hear that happened to you. I used to live by the creed, "give people the benefit of the doubt," until I started being taken advantage of a lot. Now, my creed it, "trust comes by earning it, not expecting it." I no longer give away my trust to people as freely as I used to. And I won't. I guess its hard for me to empathize with this mindset because that's not how I behave, and the only experience I have in mentality is my own. I get it. You give people the benefit of the doubt and your trust until they abuse it. If that works for you, great. But I don't know how you protect yourself from people abusing your trust if they don't have to earn it from you first.
lollipopspot Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 And yes, my bf has gone on mixed-gender scuba trips without me with my blessing, and I would absolutely send him camping without me because I loathe camping. Was the only "mix" in gender your boyfriend, and the others were all eligible females?
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Wow, sorry to hear that happened to you. I used to live by the creed, "give people the benefit of the doubt," until I started being taken advantage of a lot. Now, my creed it, "trust comes by earning it, not expecting it." I no longer give away my trust to people as freely as I used to. And I won't. I get it. You give people the benefit of the doubt and your trust until they abuse it. If that works for you, great. But I don't know how you protect yourself from people abusing your trust if they don't have to earn it from you first. The earned trust is just getting to know some one. They know I trust them when I enter into a relationship with them. At that point, I already have trust for them, or else I would not have asked them to be exclusive. If this guy were the type to cheat, sure, you might stop him from cheating by telling him he can't go. But what about next weekend? Or the weekend afterwards? But if he is not the type of guy to cheat, and he is actually an honest, straightforward, and most importantly loyal guy, you would show him that you don't trust him for some reason. Red flag on your part. So, trust and possibly get hurt, or attempt to control, possibly push away. It's not exactly a win win decision. 1
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 There is also the thought, that why is an attached guy thinking of going on a camping trip with two single females in the first place? Doesn't he have any guy friends to go on camping trips with? 1
loveweary11 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'm with Keenly on this one. He is coming at this the right way. Why poison your relationship with jealousy and mistrust?
norajane Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Was the only "mix" in gender your boyfriend, and the others were all eligible females? I don't know why this matters, but it was a group of people - some couples, and some men and women who were not with their partners, if they had any. Plus the dive boat operators and dive masters (male and female).
lollipopspot Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I don't know why this matters, but it was a group of people - some couples, and some men and women who were not with their partners, if they had any. Plus the dive boat operators and dive masters (male and female). Why it matters is because you were making an analogy with your situation and this one, and it turns out they are not the same. 2
norajane Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Why it matters is because you were making an analogy with your situation and this one, and it turns out they are not the same. All I said was I what I did in a situation that I found similar since my bf was on a weeklong trip with other women around he could cheat with if that's what was on his mind, and I'd never know. Yes, this situation is different. It's harder to hide shenanigans on a three-person trip, unless the third person is blind and deaf and doesn't notice the stupid giggling and eye contact if nothing else.
lollipopspot Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 All I said was I what I did in a situation that I found similar since my bf was on a weeklong trip with other women around he could cheat with if that's what was on his mind, and I'd never know. Yes, this situation is different. It's harder to hide shenanigans on a three-person trip, unless the third person is blind and deaf and doesn't notice the stupid giggling and eye contact if nothing else. I don't think that it's different in the way that you think it is. A true coed group trip is much less intimate than this 3 person trip.
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