LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi all, posting this in here also... I have been talking to a guy as friends for probably about 5 months through text. We met as kind of a fluke on LinkedIn and exchanged numbers and have been talking off and on ever since. We are facebook friends also. When we first started talking I was with my ex and in an unhappy relationship. I know we liked each other but it wasn't the right time... So anyway, fast forward to recently. I have broken up with my ex but we are still living together for the time being (I am looking for a place to live). My friend "B" is aware of everything. B is also seeing a girl who just got out of a relationship. Over the weekend he invited me out with him and his friend. I went and met them at a pub and B and I hit it off right away. It was like we've known each other forever. It was close and intimate and he had his arm around me, we held hands etc... I ended up driving him home... This is where it gets interesting.... He invited me in, to go into his hot tub. He was a bit drunk, I was sober. Once we were in there he made his move and we made out in the hot tub for almost two hours. All we did was kiss and minor groping. It was amazing!! The connection is intense. We both agreed on this. I asked him if he would feel guilty the next day about what had happened, he said he probably would, but that they aren't exclusive and she isn't his girlfriend yet. Fine. SO... The next day we talked and he said he really enjoyed hanging out with me etc, and knows there is a big connection but he can't have that happen again as he doesn't want to do that to the girl he's seeing, and he's not that kind of guy... Which really, he isn't. He said he doesn't regret what happened but he feels guilty. Catch 22. I told him I understood. So we still talked throughout the day and I am kind of playing this off as lightly as I can. HE made the first moves throughout the whole night. I never intended for it to go where it did. I know he likes me, told me he saves pictures of me in his phone, and that there is "something about me"... I know I can't just jump into something else nor do I want to... But now what? I mean, we already established we like each other, we've already crossed the platonic boundary... So does this mean we should no longer hang out? I don't want to ask him because I am trying to keep things light. All he kept saying was it always seems to be bad timing between us.. Any advice on how to proceed would be great. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He has a GF. You are still living with your EX. You absolutely can't get into hottubs with him & you should probably stay away from him because neither of you has much self control when it comes to the other. You concentrate on getting a new place to live. When he's free of his GF, go on a date. Until then remember if he cheats with you he will cheat on you. And making out with you was cheating on his GF. 6
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) She isn't his GF, they are just lightly seeing each other and taking things very slow. He said if he were exclusive with her he wouldn't have even put his arm around me. I believe him. I know he is not that kind of dude. I think just the intensity of our connection is what was hard to resist. It wasn't my intention to even go in his hot tub, I even said that beforehand. I really didn't think it was going to go where it did, AT ALL. Wanted to add that I agree we probably should not hang out, considering what went on. Edited July 13, 2015 by LivingDeadGrl
deadelvis Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He has a GF. You are still living with your EX. You absolutely can't get into hottubs with him & you should probably stay away from him because neither of you has much self control when it comes to the other. You concentrate on getting a new place to live. When he's free of his GF, go on a date. Until then remember if he cheats with you he will cheat on you. And making out with you was cheating on his GF. note the bold section
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 note the bold section Is it really cheating though, if they aren't exclusive?
kendahke Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi all, posting this in here also... I have been talking to a guy as friends for probably about 5 months through text. We met as kind of a fluke on LinkedIn and exchanged numbers and have been talking off and on ever since. We are facebook friends also. When we first started talking I was with my ex and in an unhappy relationship. I know we liked each other but it wasn't the right time... So anyway, fast forward to recently. I have broken up with my ex but we are still living together for the time being (I am looking for a place to live). My friend "B" is aware of everything. B is also seeing a girl who just got out of a relationship. Over the weekend he invited me out with him and his friend. I went and met them at a pub and B and I hit it off right away. It was like we've known each other forever. It was close and intimate and he had his arm around me, we held hands etc... I ended up driving him home... This is where it gets interesting.... He invited me in, to go into his hot tub. He was a bit drunk, I was sober. Once we were in there he made his move and we made out in the hot tub for almost two hours. All we did was kiss and minor groping. It was amazing!! The connection is intense. We both agreed on this. I asked him if he would feel guilty the next day about what had happened, he said he probably would, but that they aren't exclusive and she isn't his girlfriend yet. Fine. SO... The next day we talked and he said he really enjoyed hanging out with me etc, and knows there is a big connection but he can't have that happen again as he doesn't want to do that to the girl he's seeing, and he's not that kind of guy... Which really, he isn't. He said he doesn't regret what happened but he feels guilty. Catch 22. I told him I understood. So we still talked throughout the day and I am kind of playing this off as lightly as I can. HE made the first moves throughout the whole night. I never intended for it to go where it did. I know he likes me, told me he saves pictures of me in his phone, and that there is "something about me"... I know I can't just jump into something else nor do I want to... But now what? I mean, we already established we like each other, we've already crossed the platonic boundary... So does this mean we should no longer hang out? I don't want to ask him because I am trying to keep things light. All he kept saying was it always seems to be bad timing between us.. Any advice on how to proceed would be great. That is exactly what it means. Until he's no longer with this girl he's not exclusive with, but is because of how he's acting, then you need to go back to your life and take care of what needs taking care of in it and let him do what he needs to do. He needs to end his relationship with this girl because there is more to it than he's saying. Also, I"m quite sure if you asked her, they've got an exclusive relationship. He was able to get you into his hot tub at his house and grope you a good fashion--now that that's done, his fever's broken and he remembers where his loyalties lie and it isn't with you right now. Take a few steps back from this. More than a few. A lot. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi all, posting this in here also... I have been talking to a guy as friends for probably about 5 months through text. We met as kind of a fluke on LinkedIn and exchanged numbers and have been talking off and on ever since. We are facebook friends also. When we first started talking I was with my ex and in an unhappy relationship. I know we liked each other but it wasn't the right time... So anyway, fast forward to recently. I have broken up with my ex but we are still living together for the time being (I am looking for a place to live). My friend "B" is aware of everything. B is also seeing a girl who just got out of a relationship. Over the weekend he invited me out with him and his friend. I went and met them at a pub and B and I hit it off right away. It was like we've known each other forever. It was close and intimate and he had his arm around me, we held hands etc... I ended up driving him home... This is where it gets interesting.... He invited me in, to go into his hot tub. He was a bit drunk, I was sober. Once we were in there he made his move and we made out in the hot tub for almost two hours. All we did was kiss and minor groping. It was amazing!! The connection is intense. We both agreed on this. I asked him if he would feel guilty the next day about what had happened, he said he probably would, but that they aren't exclusive and she isn't his girlfriend yet. Fine. SO... The next day we talked and he said he really enjoyed hanging out with me etc, and knows there is a big connection but he can't have that happen again as he doesn't want to do that to the girl he's seeing, and he's not that kind of guy... Which really, he isn't. He said he doesn't regret what happened but he feels guilty. Catch 22. I told him I understood. So we still talked throughout the day and I am kind of playing this off as lightly as I can. HE made the first moves throughout the whole night. I never intended for it to go where it did. I know he likes me, told me he saves pictures of me in his phone, and that there is "something about me"... I know I can't just jump into something else nor do I want to... But now what? I mean, we already established we like each other, we've already crossed the platonic boundary... So does this mean we should no longer hang out? I don't want to ask him because I am trying to keep things light. All he kept saying was it always seems to be bad timing between us.. Any advice on how to proceed would be great. I think you handled it well so far. I would just let it sit with him for now. Keep it light like you have done. And find a new place to live as a top priority!!! That could be one of the barriers for him realistically. I don't think it's cheating what he did. Maybe he is in a grey area where it's time to define with the other girl and/or he is torn. sh*t happens. 2
kendahke Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 She isn't his GF, they are just lightly seeing each other and taking things very slow. girl, that's his girlfriend. He said if he were exclusive with her he wouldn't have even put his arm around me. I believe him. Judge that by how he acts when he's sober. HE was drunk when he put his arm around you--alcohol lowers inhibitions. When he sobered up, he backed up real fast on you. I know he is not that kind of dude. He is that kind of dude--and you know as much about him as he's let you know about him. A 5 month text adventure doesn't mean you know him like you would if you had daily in person contact with him. I think just the intensity of our connection is what was hard to resist. Fueled by alcohol for him... It wasn't my intention to even go in his hot tub, I even said that beforehand. I really didn't think it was going to go where it did, AT ALL. That's non sequitur now. What matters is that you did end up in his hot tub and you did grope one another for 2 hours. Wanted to add that I agree we probably should not hang out, considering what went on. Not until he's cleaned up his mess with his girlfriend. 2
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I'd really like to think it didn't just happen because he was drinking. I honestly think it would have happened regardless. He wasn't slurring his words, he wasn't stumbling, he was still in control and knew exactly what he was doing. Did it make it easier for him to put moves on me? Hell yes it did, but according to him he had been wanting to kiss me for a long time. So now that it's done, I guess I will hang back and just continue to do my own thing. He told me I could move into his basement if I wanted to (this was before we met and also he showed it to me that night). I am going to say this is NOT a good idea anymore, lol. 1
kendahke Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'd really like to think it didn't just happen because he was drinking. just look at how he is in the cold morning light, after the booze wore off--he remembered his girlfriend existed; he remembered that he cared about not wanting her to know she'd been temporarily demoted the night before. I honestly think it would have happened regardless. He wasn't slurring his words, he wasn't stumbling, he was still in control and knew exactly what he was doing. Did it make it easier for him to put moves on me? Hell yes it did, but according to him he had been wanting to kiss me for a long time. Base what you know on how he acts when sober. So now that it's done, I guess I will hang back and just continue to do my own thing. He told me I could move into his basement if I wanted to (this was before we met and also he showed it to me that night). I am going to say this is NOT a good idea anymore, lol. That would be good policy. 1
smackie9 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Is it really cheating though, if they aren't exclusive? You bet it is because I know she assumes he is only seeing her atm, not groping/making out with some chick in a hot tub. He is just down playing it to justify his actions as being OK. If this girl found out do you thing she would be OK with it? Would you be OK with it if you were starting to see him?? I doubt it. 4
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 You bet it is because I know she assumes he is only seeing her atm, not groping/making out with some chick in a hot tub. He is just down playing it to justify his actions as being OK. If this girl found out do you thing she would be OK with it? Would you be OK with it if you were starting to see him?? I doubt it. When he was down playing what they have and that they weren't exclusive, I asked "Would she be upset with you if she knew what we were doing?" he said "Probably, yes". And I agree, I would be upset also. What did he wasn't right, but he's not in a committed relationship, so it wasn't wrong either. Morally yes, technically no.
deadelvis Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Right. If they really are "not exclusive" he wouldn't have mentioned her at all. I've had women who I was "not exclusive" with and when I met someone new, I never mentioned my non-exclusive f-buddy because that's the nature of being non-exclusive. You're not really anything. Your just friends really. When you start to get feelings for someone, exclusivity is pretty much a given. If you started seeing someone and it was "feeling real" how heartbroken would you be to find out they were groping other girls in the hot tub? He's still basically cheating on her. And IMO, he's not ever going to be relationship material. 1
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Right. If they really are "not exclusive" he wouldn't have mentioned her at all. I've had women who I was "not exclusive" with and when I met someone new, I never mentioned my non-exclusive f-buddy because that's the nature of being non-exclusive. You're not really anything. Your just friends really. When you start to get feelings for someone, exclusivity is pretty much a given. If you started seeing someone and it was "feeling real" how heartbroken would you be to find out they were groping other girls in the hot tub? He's still basically cheating on her. And IMO, he's not ever going to be relationship material. I kindly disagree. He's a 37 year old man, not some boy who has no experience. I think he feels bad for what he did, as he probably does genuinely like this girl. I also think he likes me too, and that the alcohol maybe gave him the extra umph to make a move on me. He has mentioned hanging out before while he was still seeing this chick. Regardless, I feel he will probably take a step back from me. I will also do the same. I'm not in a position to start something new anyway. I just don't like the feeling that this may have potentially ruined something for the future. We have the same interests and likes, we have a strong connection, we would be good together. This girl just recently got out of a relationship too, I don't know why he's allowing himself to be a void-filler. I guess I just have to wait it out. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Is it really cheating though, if they aren't exclusive? Then not really but still put a little distance in there until he cleans up whatever is or isn't going on with the OW. You can use the time to find yourself a new place to live. 2
Gary S Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Don't ever mess with a man who has a woman already. 1
smackie9 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He felt bad about? I doubt it. Just saving face in front of you. If you allowed it he would have np sleeping with you. He is only out for himself. If he truly felt a real connection with you he would be pushing her aside pretty quickly.....but he didn't and that should be telling you something.
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Not that I need to justify myself, but I will: We are friends, he invited me out. I only intended to stay for one drink and leave. It didn't turn out that way. He does not have a girlfriend, they are just seeing each other casually as far as I have been told. His actions are his own doing, I have no one to answer to. I didn't come onto him, he came onto me. I would never mess with someone who "has a woman". I know what it's like to be cheated on and dragged through the dirt. Not a nice feeling. I would not do it to another person. However I don't feel sorry for her, she will never know what went on unless he plans on telling her which I highly doubt. She is seeing a great guy who maybe was a little drunk and did some things he shouldn't have but to me it just says he must not really like her to have even invited me out in the first place. He knew beforehand that we had a connection and knew he was attracted to me, yet he still invited me out, still wanted me to come inside his house, still still still. Why do I do this to myself... lol
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi all, posting this in here also... I have been talking to a guy as friends for probably about 5 months through text. We met as kind of a fluke on LinkedIn and exchanged numbers and have been talking off and on ever since. We are facebook friends also. When we first started talking I was with my ex and in an unhappy relationship. I know we liked each other but it wasn't the right time... So anyway, fast forward to recently. I have broken up with my ex but we are still living together for the time being (I am looking for a place to live). My friend "B" is aware of everything. B is also seeing a girl who just got out of a relationship. Over the weekend he invited me out with him and his friend. I went and met them at a pub and B and I hit it off right away. It was like we've known each other forever. It was close and intimate and he had his arm around me, we held hands etc... I ended up driving him home... This is where it gets interesting.... He invited me in, to go into his hot tub. He was a bit drunk, I was sober. Once we were in there he made his move and we made out in the hot tub for almost two hours. All we did was kiss and minor groping. It was amazing!! The connection is intense. We both agreed on this. I asked him if he would feel guilty the next day about what had happened, he said he probably would, but that they aren't exclusive and she isn't his girlfriend yet. Fine. SO... The next day we talked and he said he really enjoyed hanging out with me etc, and knows there is a big connection but he can't have that happen again as he doesn't want to do that to the girl he's seeing, and he's not that kind of guy... Which really, he isn't. He said he doesn't regret what happened but he feels guilty. Catch 22. I told him I understood. So we still talked throughout the day and I am kind of playing this off as lightly as I can. HE made the first moves throughout the whole night. I never intended for it to go where it did. I know he likes me, told me he saves pictures of me in his phone, and that there is "something about me"... I know I can't just jump into something else nor do I want to... But now what? I mean, we already established we like each other, we've already crossed the platonic boundary... So does this mean we should no longer hang out? I don't want to ask him because I am trying to keep things light. All he kept saying was it always seems to be bad timing between us.. Any advice on how to proceed would be great. I wouldn't hang out with him because . . . for no other reason than he's giving mixed messages. He seeing a girl and doesn't want to do that to her, yet he's feeling you up the first time he meets you. He making all the first moves, but he isn't that kind of guy? He's seeing a girl he isn't exclusive with and isn't his girlfriend, yet. So why does he feel guilty? He doesn't have a reason to feel guilty. He's free to date others . . . it's sketchy as far as I'm concerned. He says he's not that kind of guy . . . you don't KNOW he's not that kinda guy. You can and should hang out with him if you want to and he wants to unless he "girlfriends" the other one up. But, I'd tread lightly. I wouldn't become intimate with him if you are looking for a relationship for yourself or before you know what his dating goals are. Make sure you are on the same page. Make sure he hasn't "girlfriended up" too.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He felt bad about? I doubt it. Just saving face in front of you. If you allowed it he would have np sleeping with you. He is only out for himself. If he truly felt a real connection with you he would be pushing her aside pretty quickly.....but he didn't and that should be telling you something. This. He enjoyed the moment, but his attraction to and connection with this other girl is evidently stronger. Take a lot of space from him. Don't hang out. He is that kind of dude, as evidenced by his actions. In the meantime, focus on getting your own place. Not many guys are going to be thrilled to date a woman who's still living with her ex, whatever the circumstances may be. 2
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 He felt bad about? I doubt it. Just saving face in front of you. If you allowed it he would have np sleeping with you. He is only out for himself. If he truly felt a real connection with you he would be pushing her aside pretty quickly.....but he didn't and that should be telling you something. I still live with my ex, and I have told him on previous occasions and including that night that I do not jump from one to the next and I need time in between. Meanwhile he started seeing this girl. We are in two different places. Maybe you are right, maybe he didn't feel anything but I think he did. Maybe I am in denial. I don't know. I just know we've been talking almost every day for months and I don't think he'd waste his time on someone he saw nothing in.
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I wouldn't hang out with him because . . . for no other reason than he's giving mixed messages. He seeing a girl and doesn't want to do that to her, yet he's feeling you up the first time he meets you. He making all the first moves, but he isn't that kind of guy? He's seeing a girl he isn't exclusive with and isn't his girlfriend, yet. So why does he feel guilty? He doesn't have a reason to feel guilty. He's free to date others . . . it's sketchy as far as I'm concerned. He says he's not that kind of guy . . . you don't KNOW he's not that kinda guy. You can and should hang out with him if you want to and he wants to unless he "girlfriends" the other one up. But, I'd tread lightly. I wouldn't become intimate with him if you are looking for a relationship for yourself or before you know what his dating goals are. Make sure you are on the same page. Make sure he hasn't "girlfriended up" too. Agreed, but I don't think it's wise to hang out anymore. This. He enjoyed the moment, but his attraction to and connection with this other girl is evidently stronger. Take a lot of space from him. Don't hang out. He is that kind of dude, as evidenced by his actions. In the meantime, focus on getting your own place. Not many guys are going to be thrilled to date a woman who's still living with her ex, whatever the circumstances may be. You are probably right. I plan on majorly making some space between him and I. I am working on getting my own place 1
Lansing Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 When I had a moment a few years back where I met two girls around the same time and dated them both for like 2 months I didn't feel "guilty". He says that this girl isn't his GF so why would he feel guilty or bad about it? If they aren't BF/GF and aren't exclusive then that means he should be able to date you too. It feels like he is using this other girl as an excuse. What is the point of not being exclusive if you don't plan on seeing other people? 2
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 When I had a moment a few years back where I met two girls around the same time and dated them both for like 2 months I didn't feel "guilty". He says that this girl isn't his GF so why would he feel guilty or bad about it? If they aren't BF/GF and aren't exclusive then that means he should be able to date you too. It feels like he is using this other girl as an excuse. What is the point of not being exclusive if you don't plan on seeing other people? I thought the same thing when he told me he didn't want it to happen again while he was seeing her. Why feel guilty if you're not really together yet? I would assume because he's gotten to know her on a deeper level, and he told me they had just started kissing a few days before finally, and she actually let him touch her chest over the clothes... So that kind of leads me to think now that maybe I was just a release for him after having all that pent up desire. I don't know and I am going to try to stop figuring it out. I can't change what happened and neither can he. If he wants it to weigh on his conscience then good. I still really like him, but he obviously likes her better and I know my situation probably has a lot to do with that.
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Most of the answers that are trying to spin the issue off track are from people who inherently believe he morally cheated or don't believe in multi-dating. If you do believe in multi-dating, he didn't do anything wrong. This is part of figuring out who you want to be with. Too cynical of a view. Who knows really what is going on with the other girl?! Chances are you know better than any of us on the internet since you two are friends. How believable is his story and timeframe with her? Anyway, all that doesn't matter just yet. Change your life situation, give it some time until you are ready to date and see where things are with him. I'd be the most concerned with the fact that the next day he seems to want to see things out with the other girl (maybe that's what everyone here is latching onto). That sounds like he is picking her over you. However, let's put it in context. You still live with your ex-bf and even though it's over, if he were on here asking if he should get fully involved with you right now, I'd say give it a bit of time. Plus some people are not over-the-top like a romantic movie declaring their love from one kiss. Let the thoughts settle in. Do you for now. 1
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