always.1985 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi, I wasn’t really sure where to post this but I hope this is ok. My ex recently broke up with me and I would appreciate some advice on the situation... We were together for 4 years, he broke up with me whilst I had to study abroad for four months. When I got back he started talking to me again and we got back together. You could say we had two honeymoon periods and both times these we great. We got on so well and he made me feel special and vice versa. Now I know the honeymoon period is not meant to last forever...but both times he drastically changed once we had been together for a while... I saw the red flags but I suppose I always hoped he would go back to being the person he was at the start. These are a few things I noticed: 1. He had no emotions. Nothing ever bothered him. He was never overly happy, excited for anything, nothing made him sad, anxious or stressed. He was just always the same. He didn’t want to do anything exciting or break out of his comfort zone. 2. He had a lot of friends, but none that were on a deeper friendship level. 3. He couldn’t emphasise with situations in which I or anyone else felt sad. When my cats died I was so upset but he did nothing to try and comfort me. I was unemployed for a while and it’s like he couldn’t provide emotional support or understand why this would affect me. I remember once we saw a homeless person and he said "its his own fault for getting into that situation". 4. I couldn’t discuss anything with him about our relationship. No matter how calmly I went about it. He would always end up blaming me, saying I had started another argument when all I wanted to do was talk and find a solution. This would make me angry and upset and maybe I did slam doors, which he would also turn on me. I have never been an angry person in my life, but this relationship was starting to make me think I had issues. I have never behaved like this in my life and to everyone else that knows me I am very calm. 5. When I cried he said it didn’t bother him because I was always upset even though this wasn’t true. 6. He struggled to maintain eye contact. I told him so many times that I felt it was disrespectful and he still did it. Even when we broke up he couldn’t look at me. 7. He made me feel like I was crazy. In his words “BBC” which stood for “Bitches be crazy” Which I found so insulting. If he knew I had my period he would say “Oh no wonder you’re acting like this” or “I knew this would be a bad week”. I ended up going to the doctors convinced I had problems. 8. He didn’t do birthdays, mothers day or fathers day. Whenever we were at his house he barely spoke, only when people spoke to him. He never showed them or any of his family any affection. 9. He said I love you but his words didn’t match his actions. He told me he shouldn’t have to show affection and that I should know he loves me. 10. He had a limited vocabulary and when discussing something about our relationship he would only answer “Ok” and then “Ok Emilie” in the most patronising of ways. He would constantly tell me to go away and leave him alone after upsetting me which just made things worse for me. 11. He made me believe I was insecure and had jealousy problems. But when I explained the situation to my friends, they saw it exactly the same as me. My boyfriend had a lot of female friends and liked to take them out for meals one on one. He even brought one of them a Pandora bracelet. He made me believe I was stupid for not thinking this was normal. He never felt jealous and said I could do what I wanted. 12. He was constantly on his phone and when I would jokingly ask him to get off it for 5 minutes he would tell me to chill out when I was absolutely fine and that it was a joke. 13. I recently noticed that he enjoyed being in powerful situations. He liked jobs in which he was powerful. He only liked going out on student nights when everyone would know him (due to his job). He didn’t enjoy going out any other time because no one would know who he was. The times we did go out with his friends he was so different to how he was around me. I could go on forever. I do take some responsibility and believe I could have dealt with situations better and i admitted that and tried to change for the better but sometimes I felt so trapped. Please help me, am I crazy? Do you think I need help?
salparadise Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I think if you're being objective in your assessment, which the tone suggests you are, then you've got a guy here that you will not be happy with. The dearth of empathy, eye contact and emotional affect would likely be enough, but gas lighting and the comment about the homeless man would seal it once and for all. Given all the points you've made, why are you ambivalent?
Author always.1985 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I guess for a long time I had been blaming myself for everything and I just wanted an outsiders point of view to the situation.
Jacob_Duluoz Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He sounds like a narcissist. You're not crazy, move on. 3
salparadise Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He sounds like a narcissist. You're not crazy, move on. The flat affect and absence empathy or emotion concern me. Those are characteristics of something else, well beyond narcissism. Narcs are not devoid of emotion or affect.
coryreply Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Did he ever talk to you about his experience growing up or his past relationships? It's possible that there could be some deep hurt back there somewhere.
Author always.1985 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Did he ever talk to you about his experience growing up or his past relationships? It's possible that there could be some deep hurt back there somewhere. I was his first girlfriend....He never mentioned anything bad! He only ever mentioned good things.... His family are very relaxed but they were also so nice. His sister is the total opposite to him..
mrs rubble Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I think you'd be crazy to stay with him. Point no.7- Would have me running.....and I don't run! If he truely loved you he wouldn't be insulting you, dragging you down, and convincing you that you have a problem. He is attempting to control you, by making you feel so helpless that you wouldn't be able to cope without him....scary!!!!
Male Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Theres a good chance he could possibly be in the autistic spectrum. A lot of traits you mentioned relate to it. I am just throwing this out there as a possibility of course. I think there are many many people that fit into the autistic spectrum of some sort, and their significant other, friends, and family never realize it. They just assume the person is "a lil different" or "just quiet" compared to others. Never changing emotion is one sign. When someone has that monotone personality, where they are just always the same, that could be a sign. Not being able to discuss feelings is another. I think I may fit into the autistic spectrum at some level. I've seen and read about people that have Asperger Syndrome and I believe I may fit that but I've never been officially diagnosed by anyone. Maybe you could look it up and see if he mirrors the behaviors you witnessed. Just a thought. 3
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) Do you think he acted with ill intent, or do you think something about him / his personality made him react that way towards you? It might not make a difference in terms of how he treated you during the 4 years of your R, but at least it may help you understand his reactions better? FWIW, that describes a friend's ex perfectly. Turns out he was on the autism spectrum (like Male suggested) but he didn't think to tell my friend because he didn't think it was his business; he told him after they broke up, which wasn't helpful to either of them. Doesn't look like there was anything you could have done to change him or prevent the breakup, though. Edited July 14, 2015 by PrettyEmily77 1
Male Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I think theres many many men and women that are right on the very edge of the Autistic spectrum that never realize it. Their SO never realizes it either, but it causes all sorts of relationship issues. Most people just end up getting into fights with their SO thinking they are being "difficult" or something like that when its actually due to their inability to communicate or act appropriately in a situation. 3
craw Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Sooo you're bending backwards to please him and he isn't making an effort to fulfil your needs? Four years? Stop wasting time and effort. 1
Author always.1985 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Thank you for all your replies. I know, I feel like I wasted such so much of my time! These last few weeks since we have been broken up I have felt a so different. Obviously its a break up and its going to hurt, but I've actually felt this huge weight off my shoulders. Male, that is very interesting what you've said and something I had never thought of and will definitely look into...although there isn't really a lot I can do about it now is there?
craw Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 I wouldn't call it a waste of time, just an experience and its time to move on. If you continue with this relationship then it is becoming a waste of time.
Got it Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Don't let someone cause you to doubt yourself. He was mind f*cking you and causing you to doubt yourself. Why? That is one thing you should work on. There is a reasonable level of compromise necessary but there should be a good firm line where you know yourself, how you operate, etc. that when someone says/acts like him, you can put the onus on him and not yourself. Sounds like you are dodging a major issue here. Be glad you guys are ending now and go out and date yourself. You deserve it and know you aren't crazy!
Author always.1985 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 Don't let someone cause you to doubt yourself. He was mind f*cking you and causing you to doubt yourself. Why? That is one thing you should work on. There is a reasonable level of compromise necessary but there should be a good firm line where you know yourself, how you operate, etc. that when someone says/acts like him, you can put the onus on him and not yourself. Sounds like you are dodging a major issue here. Be glad you guys are ending now and go out and date yourself. You deserve it and know you aren't crazy! Thank you I really do hope so! It's been a tough few weeks, at first I was blaming myself for everything! I'm glad now I looked at the bigger picture and realised there is a lot more to it and things were never going to change. I have however learnt so much about what I want from a relationship I kind of feel sorry for him, is that bad? 1
spiderowl Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 You haven't really said anything nice about him. If this is what he was like most of the time, it's not surprising you split up. He seems to have few redeeming features. He has no empathy. What is the point of being with someone like that, unless they still manage to be kind and thoughtful despite the deficit.
Author always.1985 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Posted July 18, 2015 You haven't really said anything nice about him. If this is what he was like most of the time, it's not surprising you split up. He seems to have few redeeming features. He has no empathy. What is the point of being with someone like that, unless they still manage to be kind and thoughtful despite the deficit. I know, you're so right. He was so nice at the start and then over time he just changed. I stupidly went on his fb today and saw that he had deleted all the photos we had together and off instagram too. I understand that this is a normal thing to do but for some reasons it's really hurt. Its like I never existed.
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