zi11 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi guys, A year ago I’ve started dating the kind of a girl that I have waited all my life. Intelligent, caring and good looking. In the seventh month of our relationship, I’ve introduced her with my mother – she was really excited about it and looking forward to it. My mom absolutely loves her and she is really happy for me. A month later, I’ve introduced her with my father as well and that went great as well. However, the time has come for her to tell her parents that she has a boyfriend. I have to emphasize though that we are both Muslims. When she told her mother about me she doesn’t protested that much and she kind of a like me. However, when she told her father about me, he overacted and he started asking her 1000 questions, who I am, what college degree do I have, do I have a job etc. I understand that he cares for her and that he loves his daughter. After she answered every single question, he told her this guy is not for you and I think you should break up immediately. Briefly, I’m 29 years old (my girlfriend is 23) and so far I have managed to obtained the follow degrees: BSc; MBA; M.Sc., and currently I’m a doctoral student (Ph.D. candidate). Also, I’m a really good looking guy, highly ambitious with great vision in life. At the time her father asked her about my job, I didn’t have a stable job, but now I work for the government and I also teach part time at the University. My girlfriend is currently on vacation in Italy visiting her cousin but a day before she left it was her birthday. I got her really expensive present and beautiful roses. But half an hour before our date, she called me crying that her father won’t let her go out with me. Especially for this occasion, she bought a dress just for me, she wanted to be the most beautiful girl that night…We didn’t go out and we didn’t said goodbye before she left. I was really crushed and that night was pretty rough for me… Anyhow, she is coming back in two days, and she can’t wait to see me. But yesterday she texted me that her father talked about me again, but this time he started calling me names, this is what he said: That guy is a loser, douche bag, a 30 year old lazy bump who doesn’t want to work and spends his father money, ugly scumbag, that she is my last chance….He also said that everyone can get those degrees at the age of 29, that’s nothing special. He said that she can find better, that I’m not her biggest achievement, that my brother is also a looser who is still single – but my brother works as a general manager in a prestige hotel, he doesn’t even know him at all…. He insults me and calling me names all the time. This guy has never met me, and he hates me from the bottom of his hurt and he keeps insulting me….. Btw, her father is a cap driver with low educational level who only knows how to use degrading vocabulary. In my opinion, I think that her father is the loser in this case, he hates me so much, because he is jealous that his daughter found a boyfriend that makes her happy, he is jealous that I’m an entire class better than him, and he just talks talks talks like a p***y at home and he doesn’t have the courage to meet with me a talk like a real man should do. He will ruin our relationship. My conscious is clear, I haven’t done anything to insult him and I haven’t hurt his daughter neither once. Bottom line, I LOVE my girlfriend and I won’t give up on her. We talked yesterday and she was crying again L I mean what kind of a father is this who wants to watch his child cry…. He hates me with no reason, he feels threatened by me and he keeps insulting me…. The hardest part of all is that I can’t find anyone to talk about this right now. I haven’t talk with my parents about this, because my mother will be disappointed when I tell her about this….. I was also saving so money to buy her an engagement ring, because I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and propose on our anniversary… but now what should I do L Can anyone, who has been in the same situation like me, advise me, what should I do, there is no way I will break up with her, and she told me the same thing, she won’t give up on this relationship. She told her if she is planning to proceed this relationship with me, she can left her keys on the counter and get the hell out of his house, because apparently I will be embarrassment to her family….He also said that he will beat the crap out her if she go out with me again…. What do you guys think, based on what I’ve stated above, am I a loser, am I bump? Or is her father a total lunatic? Because I really can’t stand his criticism because it’s out of any normal context….I fell so frustrated right now, please help me!
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Try asking the dad to meet you so you can talk to him man to man. You need him to explain why he feels like this about you. You don't need her as an intermediary. Otherwise, she has to be willing to defy him which I don't see happening. 1
Ariess10 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'm telling you right now , as I'm going through this breakup heavyse her mom hates me, RUN it will never work and it will only come crashing down.. Doesn't matter who you are what you have done if a parent doesn't like you it's over ..
kendahke Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I guess where you two live makes a huge difference in what her options are. I know if you came calling for my daughter's hand, I'd be over the moon proud of you and happy for my daughter. Your feelings for her seem quite genuine and honorable. I don't know what to say because if he'd beat his daughter for going out on a date with you, he may honor-kill her for disobeying him, too. The sarcastic side of me says to elope with her and that way her father can't say anything, but that may cause way more problems that you're not prepared to handle. I think that meeting him, man to man, for him to tell you to your face of his objections is probably the best way to do it--without her or any of her female relatives being involved with it, but seriously doubt a coward such as that man will agree to meet you. He's bigger in his own eyes when he can talk isht behind your back and threaten his daughter with physical harm. I just don't get how an uneducated cab driver can pass judgment on advanced degrees when he doesn't have one himself. Ignorance is such a killer. Good luck with this. Sorry I have no better advice for you.
Rewan Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I can imagine your frustration with this based on how you spoke of him in the last few lines.. But I will say this; don't stoop to that level. :S If this is how things are going right now, I don't believe that proposing would be the best option right now. I don't write that to suggest that you breakup- rather the opposite. I think the best thing right now is to resolve this situation as much as possible because something must change.. The best way to do that, I feel, is by meeting with him to talk. Granted, this does not mean that he will be willing, but if you try to meet, you'll at least be able to say that you did try. I imagine the easiest way of trying would be showing up at the house when he is home. Make it clear to him that you're not there to pick her up but to speak to him and only him. Ask him to explain to you his side of everything and how he feels about it and why.. Try to get him to talk about what bothers him so much about you.. Then- in a polite way (Regardless of anything he says, treat him with respect since you are in his house)- explain your side of this situation and how you feel about his daughter. Try to reassure him of your intentions and of your complete respect for him and his daughter..and explain that you wish only to have a civil relationship with him for his daughter's happiness. If this does not work and/or he dodges all attempts to meet, I would suggest that your girlfriend make some kind of arrangements to move out..especially because the threat of physical violence I don't believe would be a healthy living condition for her.. Sometimes, it takes a little time apart for ties to be un-knotted around each other.. And it doesn't sound like this living situation is healthy for her if she has been crying as much as you have stated that she does. I'm really sorry to hear about this trouble, and I'm not going to lie to you. It doesn't always work sorting things out; sometimes, like in the case of my brother and his mother-in-law, they continue to hate you regardless of anything you try to do. You need only the strength to live above it..because that's what separates you from him, in the end. The decision to choose peace over hate. I hope this helps, even a little. :S
Author zi11 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Thank you guys for all your responses. I've thought about this whole situation and I've realized that this tension is created solely by her father. I mean, for once in my life I feel complete and happy as a person because I have found everything I was looking for in my girlfriend. But unfortunately there always has to be someone who will ruin everything. Deep down in my heart I was hoping that her father would really like me and accept me, but apparently he has some major issues of his own that his passing on his daughter, such as the fact that he didn't do nothing with his life and his intimated by me, despite the fact that he never met me in person once. What kind of a father is this??? He would rather watch his daughter suffer and cry, and threaten that he will beat the crap out of her! I talked to her yesterday and said that its her life and she said that her father won't listen to her, she can even tell him anything about me - For instance that I'm a nice guy, who treats her like a princess and that loves her with all his heart. As soon as she comes back, if her father doesn't want to talk I will call him personally and talk with him. I'm afraid that I won't be able to resolve this situation and communicate on an intellectual level, and sort things out like a man should do. I will show him that I respect him and that I valuate his opinion. I'm not planning to argue or use rude words, cause that's not my style. I will prove to him that he is totally wrong and that with this interfering he will only make things worse. She will stay with me anyway. I hope that at the end everything will go smoothly and we will come to a mutual agreement. He will never find a man that will love his daughter and care for her like I do!
casey.lives Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 parents are supposed to be like friends when you get older.... do friends run our love lives??no. parents don't have authority in adulthood. our job, as children, is to respect them... that's all
Radu Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Thank you guys for all your responses. I've thought about this whole situation and I've realized that this tension is created solely by her father. I mean, for once in my life I feel complete and happy as a person because I have found everything I was looking for in my girlfriend. But unfortunately there always has to be someone who will ruin everything. Deep down in my heart I was hoping that her father would really like me and accept me, but apparently he has some major issues of his own that his passing on his daughter, such as the fact that he didn't do nothing with his life and his intimated by me, despite the fact that he never met me in person once. What kind of a father is this??? He would rather watch his daughter suffer and cry, and threaten that he will beat the crap out of her! I talked to her yesterday and said that its her life and she said that her father won't listen to her, she can even tell him anything about me - For instance that I'm a nice guy, who treats her like a princess and that loves her with all his heart. As soon as she comes back, if her father doesn't want to talk I will call him personally and talk with him. I'm afraid that I won't be able to resolve this situation and communicate on an intellectual level, and sort things out like a man should do. I will show him that I respect him and that I valuate his opinion. I'm not planning to argue or use rude words, cause that's not my style. I will prove to him that he is totally wrong and that with this interfering he will only make things worse. She will stay with me anyway. I hope that at the end everything will go smoothly and we will come to a mutual agreement. He will never find a man that will love his daughter and care for her like I do! Do you live in the West ? Is the whole Sunni/Shia thing not a problem for the 2 of you ? [meaning, you are of the same denomination] Any other cultural hangups ? If not, it is not her father's fault per say. It is her fault. She has to stand with you on this one, or with her father. Either way, you cannot make her choose. If you try to make her choose, you might end up with a 3rd person in your relationship, her dad. So when you marry her, you marry her dad. The choice is fully up to her, and she has to make it without your influence.
Author zi11 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Hi Radu, Thank you for your answer. Well we both live in the Western Balkans region. We are both Muslims but from a different categories. However, I don't know if that is the problem. But as you've said, i cannot make any choice here and I don't want to influence her or give her ultimatums to choose between me and her parents. I will never do that. She will have to talk with her father and explain everything to him. Ultimately, she will make the final choice. Cause I can't stand this pressure anymore and I want to enjoy in this love.... The problem now is that I can't even tell my parents home, cause they are so proud of me and of all of my achievements... They will probably laugh at her fathers criticism and get mad at the same time.... Do you live in the West ? Is the whole Sunni/Shia thing not a problem for the 2 of you ? [meaning, you are of the same denomination] Any other cultural hangups ? If not, it is not her father's fault per say. It is her fault. She has to stand with you on this one, or with her father. Either way, you cannot make her choose. If you try to make her choose, you might end up with a 3rd person in your relationship, her dad. So when you marry her, you marry her dad. The choice is fully up to her, and she has to make it without your influence.
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