The extent of compromise in a relationship?

[Dreamworld]

I think I have yet to figure out how much compromise is considered healthy in a relationship vs the constant need to compromise signals incompatibility.

 

 

How do you guys know if it's healthy compromising or just simple incompatibility so it's time to move on?

 

 

I have been dating here and there recently and I have noticed in myself that once I feel the need to have to ask a guy to change his behavior, I immediately want to withdraw from the relationship and not bother with it anymore. I don't know if it is me expecting too much from a relationship or me being wise and seeing the signs before it gets worse. I don't want to have to force anything on anyone you know? It doesn't even feel good getting what I want anyway after having to ask him to do it.

 

 

For example I ended two relationships recently, one because the guy wasn't contacting me enough frequently (I felt he wasn't interested) but telling him that and then having him contact me because I asked him to isn;t the same as him just doing it on his own. So I was like, forget this.

 

 

The second one I ended because the guy couldn't have proper sex with me because he was so used to masturbating to pornography but I didn't want to ask him to stop this activity because again, forcing him to give up something to get the sex life I want isn't the same as just naturally being able to enjoy each other. So again, I was like, forget this.

 

 

Things like "hey how about us watching a movie I choose this time" type of compromising is fine of course.

 

 

I just don't know where to draw the line. Is it too much to expect to find a guy where things just flow naturally without the need to want to change his behavior? (which I don't like to feel but I can't help it) Am I giving up too soon without trying? thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think I have yet to figure out how much compromise is considered healthy in a relationship vs the constant need to compromise signals incompatibility.

do you guys know if it's healthy compromising or just simple incompatibility so it's time to move on?

If you're comfortable and content with the joint decision, it's healthy.

if you still feel, after coming to an agreement, that the deal is crap - it's not healthy.

 

 

 

I have been dating here and there recently and I have noticed in myself that once I feel the need to have to ask a guy to change his behavior,

You can, and should never ask anyone to change their behaviour. You cannot expect that from anyone.

you can point out that certain things make you feel *whatever it is they make you feel* but the change has to be activated and motivated by them, under their own steam.

Your position is to decide whether it's a huge deal-breaker, or whether you can expand your principles to accommodate their behaviour. But asking anyone to change? Not on.

 

I immediately want to withdraw from the relationship and not bother with it anymore. I don't know if it is me expecting too much from a relationship or me being wise and seeing the signs before it gets worse. I don't want to have to force anything on anyone you know? It doesn't even feel good getting what I want anyway after having to ask him to do it.

as I said, how does it affect you short- and long-term? A piece of advice I once read was "In matters of taste, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock."

 

If it's a question of jarring on your 'taste-nerves' then mention it, explain how you feel about it (take responsibility for your own views, don't put them onto his shoulders) and see whether he considers it important enough to alter what he does.

 

If it's a question of principle, then do what you need to do, even if it's end it.

Whichever option it is, the action must come from you, not him.

 

 

For example I ended two relationships recently, one because the guy wasn't contacting me enough frequently (I felt he wasn't interested) but telling him that and then having him contact me because I asked him to isn;t the same as him just doing it on his own. So I was like, forget this.

That's just your ego and insecurity talking. That wasn't 'his' probelm. It was yours.

 

 

The second one I ended because the guy couldn't have proper sex with me because he was so used to masturbating to pornography but I didn't want to ask him to stop this activity because again, forcing him to give up something to get the sex life I want isn't the same as just naturally being able to enjoy each other. So again, I was like, forget this.

Can't argue with this one. Sexual incompatibility and lack of consideration IS a deal-breaker, no question.

 

 

... I just don't know where to draw the line. Is it too much to expect to find a guy where things just flow naturally without the need to want to change his behavior? (which I don't like to feel but I can't help it) Am I giving up too soon without trying? thanks.

As I said, you have no right to want to change anyone's behaviour and expect them to conform just to please you. And you understand that, I can see it.

 

But consider my opinions above and think about implementing a different way of approaching your own likes/dislikes, with regard to evaluating whether they're to do with taste, or principle.

[casey.lives]

well, for starters you should let a relationship develop.. but to answer your question, incompatibility is really only when someone doesn't have a work through this "together" attitude, period.

Edited July 13, 2015 by casey.lives

[Redhead14]

I think I have yet to figure out how much compromise is considered healthy in a relationship vs the constant need to compromise signals incompatibility.

 

 

How do you guys know if it's healthy compromising or just simple incompatibility so it's time to move on?

 

 

I have been dating here and there recently and I have noticed in myself that once I feel the need to have to ask a guy to change his behavior, I immediately want to withdraw from the relationship and not bother with it anymore. I don't know if it is me expecting too much from a relationship or me being wise and seeing the signs before it gets worse. I don't want to have to force anything on anyone you know? It doesn't even feel good getting what I want anyway after having to ask him to do it.

 

 

For example I ended two relationships recently, one because the guy wasn't contacting me enough frequently (I felt he wasn't interested) but telling him that and then having him contact me because I asked him to isn;t the same as him just doing it on his own. So I was like, forget this.

 

 

The second one I ended because the guy couldn't have proper sex with me because he was so used to masturbating to pornography but I didn't want to ask him to stop this activity because again, forcing him to give up something to get the sex life I want isn't the same as just naturally being able to enjoy each other. So again, I was like, forget this.

 

 

Things like "hey how about us watching a movie I choose this time" type of compromising is fine of course.

 

 

I just don't know where to draw the line. Is it too much to expect to find a guy where things just flow naturally without the need to want to change his behavior? (which I don't like to feel but I can't help it) Am I giving up too soon without trying? thanks.

 

Early in a new dating scenario, you don't compromise. You're evaluating whether or not they are meeting your early dating needs. They need to demonstrate enough interest in you period. If the sex isn't meeting your needs, then you bail.

 

Compromising is something that only needs to happen or begin happening in the committed stage of a relationship. However, compromising is not about things that are about your needs. You don't compromise on what you need from a relationship.

 

And, you're right, you want them to do it because they want to, not because you told them to do it. When you express a need you do it in a way that's not demanding or critical. You simply say something like "I love it when you ______, I'd like it if we could _____. And then leave it there. Observer whether they actually heard you and are doing more of that.

But you don't do this early in the scenario.

[Ninjainpajamas]

"Compromise" for me comes later down the road, into the actual relationship, with actual serious or semi-serious issues.

 

Everything in the early stages is just a cut-throat business..for example if I'm dating a woman and she does something that really turns me off or is just for me hands down inappropriate and not the kind of woman I want to be around and spend my time with....then it's over, that's done, it's finished, my feeling and perspective has changed for her and there's no coming back from that.

 

I've dated women I was initially very attracted to, but once I found out what they were about then I just completely lost interest if it wasn't someone I couldn't respect.

 

In order for me to have to get to the stage of compromise, everything has to feel natural and smooth in the beginning which to me is the absolute easy part, I don't find dating difficult in the early stages at all...it's not a rigid or bumpy road with lots of twists and turns, so if it doesn't feel right then I'm not going to force it, I'll just let it fizzle out or altogether check out.

 

I have no idea what motives people to try and make everything work, it's the damndest thing I ever done seen. I don't understand the mentality, this is the time where everything should be great. But maybe if you're a difficult person you have a lot of particularities about yourself and your needs, you can be the problem but maybe you should just choose better men early on and cut the ones out that aren't right...to be fair, I'm not the easiest guy in the world to understand but I think I give back a lot for what I may not do that she wants me to or have some unique characteristics that make it worth while, I'm not sure but I know I'm not easy.

 

If you're hitting a rough road from the start, with little problems here and there and feeling like you've got to bend to make it work...that's not for me, I don't stick around just to complain and try to fix someone into something they are not.

[Tribble]

Are we actually talking about compromising here? I agree you shouldn't really compromise much early on in dating. There's the odd thing, like the movie or whatever, but big stuff? No.

 

 

The second guy, compromising on your sex life, I agree, that is a no so you next him, fine. But the first guy? Dating is about finding your feet with another person and adjusting your behaviour appropriately (if you want to) to fit into each others lives. The definition of compromise is 'an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions'. That's not what you're describing. You're talking about asking people to change their behaviour to suit what you want. So the guy didn't initiate contact enough for what you like and you made it known. I don't know how you made it known or even if he does like you. But he changed his frequency more to your liking and you still didn't like it. He obviously cared enough to try.

 

 

But these aren't compromises. These are finding your feet with each other. Early on in our relationship, my bf expressed he'd liked me to text more. So I did. That level of communication wasn't my natural style but I don't feel I compromised by texting more. Likewise when I asked him to kiss me goodbye in a morning, even when it's early and I'm asleep, he does it. No problem.

 

 

Compromises in a relationship are natural. Every single thing you do won't be to your partners taste. And that's healthy, to work to a solution to a problem together, where no-one feels they've given more than they want or are willing to. The problem comes when you are compromising yourself. Your happiness, your morals, whatever. That is not healthy and they are potentially deal breaking situations, whether early on or in a serious relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Compromise is a two way street. With respect to the amount of contact it should be a negotiation. You said you wanted him to contact you more. How much more? For example, if you want daily contact & now he's only talking to you on the phone once per week, a good compromise may be you talk every other day. He gives you more contact but you settle for less. That is a compromise. If you won't be satisfied until you get 100% of what you want regardless of what the other person wants, that is not a compromise.

[Dreamworld]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah I have a lot to figure out..perhaps I may not have the best communication skills either because I don't like confrontation. So I tend to just give up my happiness in order not to rock the boat but I know this is not a good thing.

 

For the not-contacting bf: when we became exclusive, he was blowing up my phone the first month. I wasnt expecting him to contact me so frequently but it definitely felt great and I guess I got used to it, so when the second month into our relationship his frequency pretty much plummeted, I panicked a bit and thought perhaps he was losing interest. He started to cancel dates at the last minute, some of those I had to track him down first only to have him tell me oops something came up sorry. I actually posted about this in detail in another thread on LS but in the end I expressed my concerns, he didnt step up, and I was starting to feel more frustrated than happy, so I broke it off.

 

The second sex guy hit me worse because sex for me is so important. Everything else seemed so wonderful, and then we hit the sack and he could not perform every single time we tried. And so he stopped trying. I felt inadequate and the lack of physical activity was killing me. He told me he didnt need sex to be happy with me, could I be ok with it? but he still continued his porn and masturbation to "get off" in his own words. I took it as: he prefers solo activity to sex with a partner. This I could not compromise.

 

maybe I just havent found the right guy yet but I just feel down sometimes when things like this happen and i wonder if my expectations are too high...

 

Oh and I always have so much fun in the early stages of dating. The problems seem to emerge once exclusitivity happens.

[fitnessfan365]

The second sex guy hit me worse because sex for me is so important. Everything else seemed so wonderful, and then we hit the sack and he could not perform every single time we tried. And so he stopped trying. I felt inadequate and the lack of physical activity was killing me. He told me he didnt need sex to be happy with me, could I be ok with it? but he still continued his porn and masturbation to "get off" in his own words. I took it as: he prefers solo activity to sex with a partner. This I could not compromise.

 

When you go from masturbating constantly to suddenly having sex with a new partner, performance anxiety is pretty common. This is all speculation of course, but here's my theory on what happened. After his initial failure to get it up due to nerves, he probably started obsessing over it. That's why it kept happening. Now of course, this had nothing to do with you. But instead of being supportive, and helping him to relax, you took it personally and felt inadequate. So I'm guessing that his ED paranoia and pressure he was feeling, made him feel uncomfortable to have sex with you.

[yxalitis]

Ideally, compromise is a line drawn exactly half way between the two people in a relationship, that they both willingly move towards.

If one person is doing all the compromising, that relationship is toxic, and shouldn't continue that way.

Of course, lots and lots of people have exactly this type of uneven relationship...it takes strength and maturity to identify it, and make a change.

This is why I broke up with my last GF...even though it left me devastated....

[Dreamworld]

When you go from masturbating constantly to suddenly having sex with a new partner, performance anxiety is pretty common. This is all speculation of course, but here's my theory on what happened. After his initial failure to get it up due to nerves, he probably started obsessing over it. That's why it kept happening. Now of course, this had nothing to do with you. But instead of being supportive, and helping him to relax, you took it personally and felt inadequate. So I'm guessing that his ED paranoia and pressure he was feeling, made him feel uncomfortable to have sex with you.

 

He got it up sometimes. The problem is it would die mid sex or he wouldnt be able to finish. I couldnt help taking it personally but I did try to be ok with it because I really did like him. But in the end I wasnt ok with it and giving up sex altogether was just too big a sacrifice for me. I still feel sad about it though.

[candie13]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah I have a lot to figure out..perhaps I may not have the best communication skills either because I don't like confrontation. So I tend to just give up my happiness in order not to rock the boat but I know this is not a good thing.

 

For the not-contacting bf: when we became exclusive, he was blowing up my phone the first month. I wasnt expecting him to contact me so frequently but it definitely felt great and I guess I got used to it, so when the second month into our relationship his frequency pretty much plummeted, I panicked a bit and thought perhaps he was losing interest. He started to cancel dates at the last minute, some of those I had to track him down first only to have him tell me oops something came up sorry. I actually posted about this in detail in another thread on LS but in the end I expressed my concerns, he didnt step up, and I was starting to feel more frustrated than happy, so I broke it off.

 

The second sex guy hit me worse because sex for me is so important. Everything else seemed so wonderful, and then we hit the sack and he could not perform every single time we tried. And so he stopped trying. I felt inadequate and the lack of physical activity was killing me. He told me he didnt need sex to be happy with me, could I be ok with it? but he still continued his porn and masturbation to "get off" in his own words. I took it as: he prefers solo activity to sex with a partner. This I could not compromise.

 

maybe I just havent found the right guy yet but I just feel down sometimes when things like this happen and i wonder if my expectations are too high...

 

Oh and I always have so much fun in the early stages of dating. The problems seem to emerge once exclusitivity happens.

 

You need to muster the courage to talk about you and your preferences, otherwise you'll never be happy. Talk, communicate and set proper, healthy boundaries.

 

the non-contacting bf sounds like a prick who was giving you the fade. I am sorry to say, some men only enjoy the chase - as you call it, the pre-exclusivity phase. Once they've "got" you, they lose interest. It's not your fault, sometimes it just happens. What doesn't happen is sh*tty behavior - and canceling down last minute is that. Good for you for not putting up with it !

 

the no-sex man had sexual and intimacy issues. You gave him waaaay to much time and attention. It is impossible to have a normal RS with no sex.

 

Me thinks you're not taking long enough to weed the men you are dating and therefore, jumping into relationships too fast. Basically, your words are "exclusivity is the death of a RS". Hell no! How about taking the time to actually get to know your partner a whole lot better before deciding to have a RS and become exclusive? Nobody can put up an act forever. LEt's assume you like the dude and get exclusive. Even after exclusivity, take the time to still measure up your partner and see if you like what's in front of you. Some men relax a lot after getting a partner and let some of their masks down. They think they don't need to treat you nicely, now that you're their gf. Having a bf is cool, but it doesn't mean you have to stay if you don't like what you see and if you don't like his "new" bf behavior.

 

Now back to communication:you need to talk. Men are really poor at mind reading, you know? You need to get out of that comfort zone of yours and tell them what you like and don't like and ask questions about them, to get to know them. How else can you decide if you really like them? And don't go in the "seduction" or "girlfriend" mood immediately. Ask yourself: could I hang out with this person and have a really good time? Take it easy, where's the fire? No pressure into getting exclusive. And... if you don't like how the guy treats you, it is ALRIGHT to leave. Just make sure to open your mouth. Because you are re-affirming your boundaries and giving the other person good feed back and a chance to change, grow and further develop.

 

even as time goes by and even with the most perfect of men, there will always be problems. Misunderstandings. Issues. always. Will you constantly just pack your bags and leave? Some men, some RS are actually worth fighting for, as some point. Nobody's perfect but if you want for things to work out, you need to signal when things are not ok with you, when you are not happy. How is he supposed to know what's making you unhappy - and fix it - if you don't talk about it?

Edited July 14, 2015 by candie13

[Dreamworld]

You need to muster the courage to talk about you and your preferences, otherwise you'll never be happy. Talk, communicate and set proper, healthy boundaries.

 

the non-contacting bf sounds like a prick who was giving you the fade. I am sorry to say, some men only enjoy the chase - as you call it, the pre-exclusivity phase. Once they've "got" you, they lose interest. It's not your fault, sometimes it just happens. What doesn't happen is sh*tty behavior - and canceling down last minute is that. Good for you for not putting up with it !

 

the no-sex man had sexual and intimacy issues. You gave him waaaay to much time and attention. It is impossible to have a normal RS with no sex.

 

Me thinks you're not taking long enough to weed the men you are dating and therefore, jumping into relationships too fast. Basically, your words are "exclusivity is the death of a RS". Hell no! How about taking the time to actually get to know your partner a whole lot better before deciding to have a RS and become exclusive? Nobody can put up an act forever. LEt's assume you like the dude and get exclusive. Even after exclusivity, take the time to still measure up your partner and see if you like what's in front of you. Some men relax a lot after getting a partner and let some of their masks down. They think they don't need to treat you nicely, now that you're their gf. Having a bf is cool, but it doesn't mean you have to stay if you don't like what you see and if you don't like his "new" bf behavior.

 

Now back to communication:you need to talk. Men are really poor at mind reading, you know? You need to get out of that comfort zone of yours and tell them what you like and don't like and ask questions about them, to get to know them. How else can you decide if you really like them? And don't go in the "seduction" or "girlfriend" mood immediately. Ask yourself: could I hang out with this person and have a really good time? Take it easy, where's the fire? No pressure into getting exclusive. And... if you don't like how the guy treats you, it is ALRIGHT to leave. Just make sure to open your mouth. Because you are re-affirming your boundaries and giving the other person good feed back and a chance to change, grow and further develop.

 

even as time goes by and even with the most perfect of men, there will always be problems. Misunderstandings. Issues. always. Will you constantly just pack your bags and leave? Some men, some RS are actually worth fighting for, as some point. Nobody's perfect but if you want for things to work out, you need to signal when things are not ok with you, when you are not happy. How is he supposed to know what's making you unhappy - and fix it - if you don't talk about it?

 

 

Wow. Your response blew me away. I really can understand what you are saying. I see all the things you said in myself.

 

 

As for the two guys yeah, I think I did the right thing by walking away. The no sex man hurt more than the no contact man, for sure. I think because the disappointment was so great and for me sex is a core priority in a relationship.

 

 

Thank you for your candid response. It was really helpful.

[ZA Dater]

He got it up sometimes. The problem is it would die mid sex or he wouldnt be able to finish. I couldnt help taking it personally but I did try to be ok with it because I really did like him. But in the end I wasnt ok with it and giving up sex altogether was just too big a sacrifice for me. I still feel sad about it though.

 

Ultimately you shouldn't feel bad, compromise is usually made with the end goal being to improve the whole.

 

I'd say always have in mind what you will and wont compromise on, within reason.

 

Again each situation is different and the person themselves may make compromise easier or more difficult. From my point of view I have been more inclined to compromise where I felt there was a strong connection and the person had many great qualities.

 

As an aside not sure why a guy would prefer porn over a nice gf, bizarre to me.

[candie13]

The no sex man hurt more than the no contact man, for sure. I think because the disappointment was so great and for me sex is a core priority in a relationship.

 

I see sex as a way to get much closer to your partner, to get to know him and to use the intimacy to build a more authentic, deep connection. Having that denied, especially if you've build the emotional connection first, may make one feel truly rejected. It's not just disappointing, it's almost like abandoning without really leaving. Denying you access to something that is right in front of you. I cannot even begin to tell you the issues that man had... When it comes to men, if it's linked to sex, it's never really about sex... you cannot foresee these things, so don't blame yourself for his issues.

[Dreamworld]

Ultimately you shouldn't feel bad, compromise is usually made with the end goal being to improve the whole.

 

I'd say always have in mind what you will and wont compromise on, within reason.

 

Again each situation is different and the person themselves may make compromise easier or more difficult. From my point of view I have been more inclined to compromise where I felt there was a strong connection and the person had many great qualities.

 

As an aside not sure why a guy would prefer porn over a nice gf, bizarre to me.

 

I think because porn was easier for him. He told me so himself that porn and masturbation were mechanical, it was simply a "release" for him. Sex was different he said. But like candie13 said, I think he had some psychological issues with being intimate. Hence, sex caused him problems.

 

 

It hurt knowing how he viewed it, and wanting to be intimate with him, (I am not much of talker, and sex is a way for me to communicate with a man) but being afraid that expressing that would burden him or pressure him...what a mess.

[Dreamworld]

I see sex as a way to get much closer to your partner, to get to know him and to use the intimacy to build a more authentic, deep connection. Having that denied, especially if you've build the emotional connection first, may make one feel truly rejected. It's not just disappointing, it's almost like abandoning without really leaving. Denying you access to something that is right in front of you. I cannot even begin to tell you the issues that man had... When it comes to men, if it's linked to sex, it's never really about sex... you cannot foresee these things, so don't blame yourself for his issues.

 

 

Exactly. I felt rejected. And I could just feel that constantly trying to put myself on him trying to be intimate would pressure him. I mean it is pretty self explanatory when a guy says "I don't really need sex in a relationship." I think you are right. There was something psychological going on there. And this was way too much of a compromise for me.

 

 

I'll take these two guys as a learning experience and take it a little slow and easy the next time around. Learn to hold off on my wiley charms for a bit (just kidding hehe) Thanks again!

[ZA Dater]

I think because porn was easier for him. He told me so himself that porn and masturbation were mechanical, it was simply a "release" for him. Sex was different he said. But like candie13 said, I think he had some psychological issues with being intimate. Hence, sex caused him problems.

 

 

It hurt knowing how he viewed it, and wanting to be intimate with him, (I am not much of talker, and sex is a way for me to communicate with a man) but being afraid that expressing that would burden him or pressure him...what a mess.

 

I think the sad thing is he didn't see the need to correct his behaviour, perhaps I am idealistic but if I had a great gf she didn't like something I would want to correct it if I could, to make sure she is happy, because ultimately compromise is about finding a happy middle ground.

 

I am not qualified to talk about sex by virtue of never having had it but in my opinion its importance is defined the very foundations of the relationship, that being how much you like the person.

 

Ultimately would you date a person you didn't want to sleep with?

 

That's what it boils down to.

[candie13]

It hurt knowing how he viewed it, and wanting to be intimate with him, (I am not much of talker, and sex is a way for me to communicate with a man) but being afraid that expressing that would burden him or pressure him...what a mess.

 

find a way to talk about what bothers you. Indeed, sexual issues are especially sensitive but you need to take the plunge at some moment. What if you did talk about it and he tried to address it? I mean... as it was, the RS was doomed anyway. So it's not like talking about it could have made it worse .

 

listen, you take these things way tooo seriously. It's only dating. It's only sex. It can be the means to something much more profound... but it extremely rare. just... open up. You may be amazed, people might actually open up to you right back !

[veggirl]

Its very immature to expect a partner to just "know" what you want/need. In the first example of the guy not contacting you enough...if you asked him to do it more and he did, whats the problem? This isn't a fantasy land where everything you want magically happens, if you ask someone to do something and they do it, THAT IS A GOOD THING!!

 

The 2nd example...ew, yeah I'd ditch that guy too.