Ryan0627 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Anyone have experience dating and getting into a committed relationship with someone who was hurt in a past relationship and as a result has put up walls and was afraid of letting a significant other get too close out of fear that they'll get hurt all over again? Have you been this person? How does one make it work with this type of person? What do you have to do to get this person to trust you and let you closer to their heart specially when they barely communicate with you anymore because they have their walls up so high?
casey.lives Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 no i never go into a relationship with ex baggage. i like to give everyone 100%. 1
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Anyone have experience dating and getting into a committed relationship with someone who was hurt in a past relationship and as a result has put up walls and was afraid of letting a significant other get too close out of fear that they'll get hurt all over again? Have you been this person? How does one make it work with this type of person? What do you have to do to get this person to trust you and let you closer to their heart specially when they barely communicate with you anymore because they have their walls up so high? Ryan I read your other thread, and sorry but I think you are looking for excuses or justifications to rationalize (in your own mind) why this guy you've been seeing just isn't that into you anymore. At least right now anyway. What people don't understand about those with intimacy and commitment issues is that when they start feeling "their partner" is getting too close, they feel suffocated and become turned OFF, and THAT is why they back off. The closeness suffocates them, causes them to feel boxed in and again turned off. It does not matter why they have such fears and issues (hurt in the past, bad childhood, etc)....ONLY thing that matters is that they DO have these fears and issues, and as soon as they feel their partner is getting too close... their feelings turn off, they pull away, need space, stop communication, etc etc etc. When this happens, there is NOTHING their partner can do except pull away themselves and give the person the space they are screaming for. Ryan, the more you try to understand this guy, get close to this guy, knock down his walls, "get" him to trust you, the MORE turned off he will get! He will also lose respect for you, because what person worthy of respect would tolerate being shut out and treated like crap the way he has been treating you. Think about that. Please understand this. Pull away. Go no contact. Leave him alone. His issues go too deep for you to deal with, you are not his therapist or his mother. And the more you try to be ..... and the more you try to be *understanding* and *supportive* (while HE reserves the right to treat you like utter crap!).....the more suffocated and turned OFF he will become. Pull away and leave him alone. Take care of you!!! Edited July 13, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Author Ryan0627 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 He actually just started texting me again about an hour ago and we just got done flirting with each other pretty hard.
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He actually just started texting me again about an hour ago and we just got done flirting with each other pretty hard. Fabulous! Have fun on the roller coaster.... :bunny: 2
Tribble Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I don't know about your other threads but I've been the person with my walls up high. It's difficult to break them down, not always possible and not always worth it, all depends. My current bf had a very hard time getting behind the walls, that's for sure. It took a lot of patience from him and a lot of backing off. In fact, he'd completely given up pursuing me right before we got together. We were friends for a time, which helped build up my trust. I don't even know how he managed it so I wouldn't know what to suggest. But at times, especially in the beginning, I would freak out about stuff (meeting parents, people approving of him etc.) and would need space to work through what I was feeling. It can't have been very nice for him as I backed off but didn't know why. It took me a few days to figure it out and come back. But it's been quite a while now since I've freaked out about anything.
smackie9 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He's just messin up your feelings while he tries to figure out his own......totally unhealthy. Those bad experiences usually have repercussions for the next relationship. I suggest not to invest your feelings or get your hopes up. I feel he just wants attention to get a so wanted ego boost to raise his self esteem and nothing else.
Jrdinvt Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Bail. It may be hard, but it's not your issues to fix. These are the "hurt person's" to fix. You can't fix them no matter how hard you try if that person is not ready to let you "in" to their life. Move on...hard and true. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 In general you get through to such a person slowly over a long period of time (think years) by showing them through your actions and words that you have integrity & can be trusted. There is no quick fix for this. I have not read your specifics. But from the other responses you have here, you can't discount the possibility that you are a rebound for him. Proceed with caution
kendahke Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Anyone have experience dating and getting into a committed relationship with someone who was hurt in a past relationship and as a result has put up walls and was afraid of letting a significant other get too close out of fear that they'll get hurt all over again? Have you been this person? How does one make it work with this type of person? What do you have to do to get this person to trust you and let you closer to their heart specially when they barely communicate with you anymore because they have their walls up so high? The only thing you can do is leave people like this alone because that is what their behavior is telling you to do. They are not emotionally done with the relationship that messed them up. Make it policy to only be with people who are whole and complete and want to enter into something new with a new partner. Anyone who is still talking about how damaged they were by an ex has not begun doing any real work on resolving their problem--they're expecting you to unpack that baggage, and it's not for you to do for them: it's for them to do that kind of heavy lifting. 2
kendahke Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He actually just started texting me again about an hour ago and we just got done flirting with each other pretty hard. That's part of the game and it appears you're a willing participant. Seems you really don't have a problem if you're playing along.
Recommended Posts