Girlfriend (26/F) broke up with me (26/M) two weeks ago, disappeared and no contact

[bobthebuilder_1988]

Hey guys, I've been dating her for almost 4 and a half years now. We were generally a happy couple, but during bad periods, we would have some of the worst fights imaginable (fighting, screaming..etc). There were a 2 - 3 times where we had mini-breaks from one another, but always ended up back together. But this time it became pretty serious.

 

I lost my job just two weeks before this happened so I was feeling **** about myself over what happened, since I was performing really well at work but I can't get in on time in the morning (so i wasn't too worried, since I know finding a new job shouldn't be too hard). The weekend before she decided to disappear on me (monday), we were doing all the couply stuff and she was happy. I went away on Saturday night to play poker and she was asking when i was coming back and so on. On Sunday when i eventually got back, we were still talking. she asked me "if i were to disappear or something happened to me, would you still believe in humanity". And I said "no" because I recently lost my job and didn't really have much faith in people (not going to explain what happened at work). Then she just disappeared. For 4 days she didn't speak to me, then one day on gchat, she popped up and said the exact words "I can't be with you anymore", "I cannot continue this" and "I need a lot of space". I had no idea what was going on because things had gotten so much better (despite the fact that we were seeing each other less - giving each other more space). The day after, she deleted me from facebook. And since then, I've tried reaching her but nothing can get through. I decided to leave her a letter, she replied saying "thanks for the letter" and if there was more that I wanted to say "I can write the rest of it". I managed to get into brief contact with her friend, and it seems my girlfriend wants to draw a clear line with me and "it will really be a trial of my patience and that she isn't ready to dialogue with me anytime soon." I'm just really confused as to why she decided to just break off with me all of a sudden and I have no idea what is going on. Has this happened to anybody before? It has really left me heart broken for the past two weeks since this happened and has been quite devastating since I lost both my job and girlfriend within a period of two weeks.

[casey.lives]

if you can't communicate with a person........ you have nothing. i suggest moving on.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hey guys, I've been dating her for almost 4 and a half years now. We were generally a happy couple, but during bad periods, we would have some of the worst fights imaginable (fighting, screaming..etc). There were a 2 - 3 times where we had mini-breaks from one another, but always ended up back together. But this time it became pretty serious.

 

I lost my job just two weeks before this happened so I was feeling **** about myself over what happened, since I was performing really well at work but I can't get in on time in the morning (so i wasn't too worried, since I know finding a new job shouldn't be too hard). The weekend before she decided to disappear on me (monday), we were doing all the couply stuff and she was happy. I went away on Saturday night to play poker and she was asking when i was coming back and so on. On Sunday when i eventually got back, we were still talking. she asked me "if i were to disappear or something happened to me, would you still believe in humanity". And I said "no" because I recently lost my job and didn't really have much faith in people (not going to explain what happened at work). Then she just disappeared. For 4 days she didn't speak to me, then one day on gchat, she popped up and said the exact words "I can't be with you anymore", "I cannot continue this" and "I need a lot of space". I had no idea what was going on because things had gotten so much better (despite the fact that we were seeing each other less - giving each other more space). The day after, she deleted me from facebook. And since then, I've tried reaching her but nothing can get through. I decided to leave her a letter, she replied saying "thanks for the letter" and if there was more that I wanted to say "I can write the rest of it". I managed to get into brief contact with her friend, and it seems my girlfriend wants to draw a clear line with me and "it will really be a trial of my patience and that she isn't ready to dialogue with me anytime soon." I'm just really confused as to why she decided to just break off with me all of a sudden and I have no idea what is going on. Has this happened to anybody before? It has really left me heart broken for the past two weeks since this happened and has been quite devastating since I lost both my job and girlfriend within a period of two weeks.

 

Look at the No Contact Guide (See the NC Guide link in my signature).

 

She's doing exactly the right thing.

 

I know it's difficult because you want to reach out, know why, get closure, but read the guide.

I mean, really read it.

 

THAT'S what you should be doing.

 

Just go No Contact.

Leave her be.

 

This relationship became codependent. It wasn't entirely healthy. In fact, it had degrees of toxicity to it.

you were yo-yoing back and forth.

She recognised this.

I don't feel there is anyone else of romantic significance in her picture right now, but for whatever reason, she's ended it.

 

You need to look to yourself, and move on.

[bobthebuilder_1988]

Look at the No Contact Guide (See the NC Guide link in my signature).

 

She's doing exactly the right thing.

 

I know it's difficult because you want to reach out, know why, get closure, but read the guide.

I mean, really read it.

 

THAT'S what you should be doing.

 

Just go No Contact.

Leave her be.

 

This relationship became codependent. It wasn't entirely healthy. In fact, it had degrees of toxicity to it.

you were yo-yoing back and forth.

She recognised this.

I don't feel there is anyone else of romantic significance in her picture right now, but for whatever reason, she's ended it.

 

You need to look to yourself, and move on.

 

I agree there were degrees of toxicity from both sides of the relationship, but we managed to fix a lot of that. And I wasn't yo-yoing back and forth, it wasn't me who wanted to break up those few times. It was her, I was always trying to mend things between the two of us.

 

And I thought we had fixed a lot of the co-dependency problems we were facing before, since we spent less time but better quality time together over the past year. That's why the break up came as such a surprise.

 

I mean I've tried everything but it isn't exactly easy to just move on after a week when this was my first serious relationship. I do want some answers and this whole no contact thing is just crazy. I've read the rules and the reasoning for it, but I don't really understand why she chooses now to do it when things were perfectly fine.

[TaraMaiden2]

Things were NOT perfectly fine. If they had been, she wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

Trust me when I tell you, this didn't come like a bolt from the blue, with her.

She has been thinking about this for a while, it's not some instant decision she made.

 

Still, you cannot get into her headspace and see what gives.

 

Truly, my counsel still stands.

Fall off her radar.

make no attempt to contact her at all.

Give her the space she requested.

I guarantee, she will re-establish contact with you at some point, to 'talk'.

 

Until then, you must exercise patience and restraint.

it will all come out in the wash.

 

Oh, and if you should discover she's seeing someone else - that's not some 'bolt from the blue' recent decision, either....

[bobthebuilder_1988]

Things were NOT perfectly fine. If they had been, she wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

Trust me when I tell you, this didn't come like a bolt from the blue, with her.

She has been thinking about this for a while, it's not some instant decision she made.

 

Still, you cannot get into her headspace and see what gives.

 

Truly, my counsel still stands.

Fall off her radar.

make no attempt to contact her at all.

Give her the space she requested.

I guarantee, she will re-establish contact with you at some point, to 'talk'.

 

Until then, you must exercise patience and restraint.

it will all come out in the wash.

 

Oh, and if you should discover she's seeing someone else - that's not some 'bolt from the blue' recent decision, either....

 

Ok I appreciate the advice, and I know she had been thinking about doing this for a while before she took action. I just dont understand why she didn't tell me what was going on or why she was unhappy with our relationship. That's what is really upsetting.

[TaraMaiden2]

How often have you talked about your relationship in the past?

 

And how often did you repeat the same, old, same-old?

 

After a while a girl gets sick and tired of the treadmill.

Even after seeing change, they stop believing the change is permanent.

They lose faith in themselves, their partner and in what holds it all together.

Often, it's the ups and downs that hold it together.

The ups are pure and strong; the downs are flawed and weak,

 

I think she felt the downs carried the motion....

[bobthebuilder_1988]

How often have you talked about your relationship in the past?

 

And how often did you repeat the same, old, same-old?

 

After a while a girl gets sick and tired of the treadmill.

Even after seeing change, they stop believing the change is permanent.

They lose faith in themselves, their partner and in what holds it all together.

Often, it's the ups and downs that hold it together.

The ups are pure and strong; the downs are flawed and weak,

 

I think she felt the downs carried the motion....

 

What do you mean by talked about my relationship in the past?

 

I do repeat the same-old from time to time...but that's me. I can't change everything.

 

As for the motions...that's how i felt too, that she felt this relationship had no more meaning but it does...I sometimes felt that she thinks I care for her less than before because I saw her less often but she did say that she needed space, so I gave that to her.

 

Deep down, I still really love her. I would tell her I love her all the time but I'm more of a joker so I kind of address things light-heartedly. I just wish I had done more to keep this going. Just I'm very sensitive for a guy but I don't really show it in real life, so everybody just thinks I'm insensitive and emotionless, her included.

[TaraMaiden2]

What do you mean by talked about my relationship in the past?

I mean, discussed how it was developing, where you were both going with *this* how you were moving forward together... what you could both do to change what needed changing, and improve what didn't?

 

I do repeat the same-old from time to time...but that's me. I can't change everything.

That's not true.

It depends very much upon what you agree needs changing, and just how much you want to change it.

 

As for the motions...that's how i felt too, that she felt this relationship had no more meaning but it does...I sometimes felt that she thinks I care for her less than before because I saw her less often but she did say that she needed space, so I gave that to her.

I detect that your joint communication skills lack something. You are making an awful lot of assumptions on her behalf, and obviously, your assumptions have been proven to be incorrect...

 

 

Deep down, I still really love her. I would tell her I love her all the time but I'm more of a joker so I kind of address things light-heartedly.

While we think that a GSOH is a prerequisite in a guy we're dating, we can't stand it if he turns everything into a joke.

Some things are neither funny, nor intended to be joked about.

Your humour was a cover for a reluctance to really open up and expose your deeper feelings. That's what jokers do.

hide behind the laugh.

 

I just wish I had done more to keep this going. Just I'm very sensitive for a guy but I don't really show it in real life, so everybody just thinks I'm insensitive and emotionless, her included.

You make my point superbly.

You hid your shyness to the point that you refused to open up your endearing and honest vulnerability to the one person who mattered most.

The one person who really should have been given access to how deep and sensitive you really are.

if you kept this away from her for 4+ years, and instead covered up your sincerity with misplaced humour, then this, sadly, is the result.

 

Sometimes, you have to trust enough to let your guard down.

She would never have ridiculed it.

it would have made you stronger.

[bobthebuilder_1988]

I mean, discussed how it was developing, where you were both going with *this* how you were moving forward together... what you could both do to change what needed changing, and improve what didn't?

 

 

That's not true.

It depends very much upon what you agree needs changing, and just how much you want to change it.

 

 

I detect that your joint communication skills lack something. You are making an awful lot of assumptions on her behalf, and obviously, your assumptions have been proven to be incorrect...

 

 

 

While we think that a GSOH is a prerequisite in a guy we're dating, we can't stand it if he turns everything into a joke.

Some things are neither funny, nor intended to be joked about.

Your humour was a cover for a reluctance to really open up and expose your deeper feelings. That's what jokers do.

hide behind the laugh.

 

 

You make my point superbly.

You hid your shyness to the point that you refused to open up your endearing and honest vulnerability to the one person who mattered most.

The one person who really should have been given access to how deep and sensitive you really are.

if you kept this away from her for 4+ years, and instead covered up your sincerity with misplaced humour, then this, sadly, is the result.

 

Sometimes, you have to trust enough to let your guard down.

She would never have ridiculed it.

it would have made you stronger.

 

We actually used to discuss how our relationship will move forwards. But it was her who thought about having an open relationship/non-commital relationship. I knew she wanted to move towards a break up eventually, and I did tell her that if she wanted to split ways, that I will take it well. This happened a few months ago.

 

I still told her I love her everyday, and eventually just arond 2 weeks ago, she hasn't said this for a long time that "she loves me too". Normally, she would respond with calling my pet name everytime I told her I loved her, but this time she said it. I was really happy and I wish I had said something. In fact she saw my parents just over a month ago when they came to visit. Then after I lost my job, she was being very supportive and asked me to go over to her place when it all happened. We talked about things and I was ok, I managed to get over losing my job quite easily because I managed to get a good reference despite my lack of discipline (being late). I wasn't worried about finding a new job and I do have a side income from poker. So I don't think my financial standing is really a problem since I've managed to afford my own place just a few years ago.

 

Just to add, I told her a long time ago if we do break up, we should at least talk over it. And I didn't expect it to happen now when things were looking up, even her friend said that "I should know why she wants to break up with me". And I really really really don't know why. From the above, I KNOW i'm missing something, but this time I can't figure it out.

 

I knew what needed improving such as my temper...and I really did work on that. But that's what she also really hated about me. Generally I'm really nice, but sometimes on a really bad day, I just lose it. But I haven't had those episodes for a very long time. I'm generally quite tame now. However, the weekend before I went for poker, I got a bit mad at her for getting to the wrong place after i specified which theatre...so I said "How are you so stupid?" in a jokingly manner. She didn't take that very well, and she was fine after we had dinner and talked about her future and all. We went home and did couply stuff..etc. Then suddenly on Monday, she asks me that question and disappears for days.

 

Yes, I know there's a very good chance she might be seeing somebody else but after the occurence of events. It doesn't seem that way...

 

Yes my assumptions appear to be wrong but I don't know where I went wrong this time. I'm lost and I find it very hard to move on from anything if I don't know why.

[aloneinaz]

I was in your EXACT shoes my friend. Lost my long term job and was in an off/on, toxic, un-healthy relationship that she ended. The relationship was like you're describing yours. Too many fights, too many break ups, etc.. I tried to hang onto it due to losing my job and not wanting break up drama after losing my job.

 

 

The sad truth? The relationship sucked. She was terrible, selfish, nasty, bitchy, etc.. It was a 1.5 year rollercoaster from hell. Looking back now 2+ years later, I'm so GRATEFUL it's behind me. I think you'll feel the same as well.

 

 

My R/S with my GF now is the polar opposite. No nasty fights. No break ups, good communication on both sides. No massive mood swings from her like the ex always demonstrated. No constant stress or anxiety wondering what her mood would be like each day. She's normal and we're compatible. It makes me realize how F'd up I was to stay in the previous dysfunctional relationship.

 

 

Do yourself a favor. Listen to Tara as she's right on point. Go NC from her. Vanish for YOU. Get a new job. Focus on you and get you life going strong again. You'll meet someone you're more compatible with and then realize (like me) how messed up this past relationship was.