brokenbuthopeful Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Hi all, this is my story. i'm not sure exactly what i'm looking for here, maybe just some support, maybe some advice on how to deal. i am 29, the mom of 3 sons, ages 9, 2, and deceased at 3 months. my oldest was conceived with a prior relationship to this one i'm in now, the father ran as fast as he could as soon as i got the positive preg test. my current fiance, who i had been friends with, and off and on dating for 6 years, called me one day shortly after and we've been together since. taking on a ready made family was something i never expected him to do, and when he did it anyway, well that was when i fell for him. he was there for everything, ultrasounds, doc appointments, the birth, everything. he is my son's father in every way that counts, and they love each other more than i can say, or probably even comprehend. time went on, and a few years later, we had a son of our own. he was beautiful, and perfect in every way. the only thing that marred the experience was the fact that he had an affair during my pregnancy. it wasn't a physical affair, but the fact that he chose THAT time to do it made it all that more painful for me. i did forgive him, and we healed and moved on. three months later, our son came down with pneumonia, and when his doctor played god with his life, he was taken from this plane. my fiance and i dealt together, we had our good times and a LOT of bad, but we made it, stronger than before. more time passed, finally we decided to give it one more try, and our 3rd son arrived. it was a very hard time for us, due to the fear that it wouldn't last, that one day we would walk in and see him lifeless in his bed. now, more than 2 years later, he is just as strong and healthy as can be, and we couldn't be happier. however, we had our problems in between. being parents of a baby/toddler is hard, harder still when you fear every day may be the last. he distanced himself from the baby, and thus from me. and i drew nearer to him, wanting to make the very most of every second in case it was the last. the distance between my fiance and i grew, and we were both so wrapped up in our own fears and methods that it just kept growing unchecked. there came this girl (i won't call her a woman because, well she is far from that in every way but years) that had been chasing him for years, at her own wedding she had approached my fiance and told him she wished she had married him instead of her husband. she has since admitted that the only reason she had married her husband was because of the connection between him and my fiance. anyway, she had been waiting in the wings all this time, and during a vulnerable time in our relationship, she pounced. she got my fiance to sleep with her, then 2 days later she slept with her husband. the very next day, she confessed all to her hubby and ran off. she lied to my fiance, telling him i had said he would never see our kids again, and a lot of other lies, and convinced him to run off with her, that he had nothing to stay and fight for. (as an aside, i could kick him for even believing a word that came out of her mouth. i am about the last person in the world who would ever talk to the OW in this situation, i would have probably ripped her head right off of her shoulders, sure, but the only words i may have uttered are not appropriate for this board) so off he ran, and off he stayed for 4 months. we started talking about counselling within 2 weeks, and we actually had an appointment, when he came by one day. well, she was supposed to not be able to get pregnant, had been prescribed some fertility drugs previously that had not all been left at home when she ran away, but she claimed she couldnt get pregnant. low and behold, she was. so my fiance stayed for 3 more months. during this whole time he and i talked of reconciling, had solid plans to do so, and we finally did. i dont know if i really could have if i had known that the child she was carrying was his. but nothing added up, her dates didnt make sense, every milestone happened before it should have, and i truly believed that she was pregnant already when thay first ran off. yesterday we got a phone call, she was in labor. this just played right into what i have believed this whole time, as it would place conception more than a month before he ever strayed. well, come to find out, the baby, a girl, is 6 weeks premature, and is in fact his daughter, which is yet another slap in the face for me. i have always wanted a daughter, and all 3 babies were boys, and now i am not able to have any more, so i am left with no hope for the baby girl i've always wanted to give him AND i have to live the rest of my days knowing she gave him what i could not. he is at the hospital as i type, signing paternity papers for her, which is yet another problem. see, we have been together for 10 years steadily, yet we never got married, and he never signed papers for either of our sons together, yet this baby is less than 24 hours old and he runs to do it for her.so even though we had out first child together almost 7 years ago, he is by law the father of her first. wtf is that?? i KNOW with everything in me that this child is not to blame, she is a victim of her parents' stupidity just as i am, just as my children are, and i dont hold any of this against her. however, i also know that her mother will use her as a pawn to try to get my fiance to jump through hoops and do her bidding. i just dont know if im up for that. i dont know if i can stand to sit by and watch him run to her time and again, if i can stand to hear that skanks voice on the phone day in and out, if i can stand knowing that he made this baby with someone else when we were supposed to be faithful to each other, and in all the time we have been together, from the day we first got serious, i have NEVER been with anyone else. i just dont know what to do, how to feel, which way to turn. it hurts. he doesnt understand, because she was pregnant when i took him back, he thinks this should all be settled. but i did not believe she was his, i didnt believe it would ever come to this. its like dday all over again, but i have to look at him, look at my kids, look at my mistakes, and know i had the power to change the outcome if i had only known.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 she got my fiance to sleep with her, then 2 days later she slept with her husband. the very next day, she confessed all to her hubby and ran off. she lied to my fiance, telling him i had said he would never see our kids again, and a lot of other lies, and convinced him to run off with her, that he had nothing to stay and fight for. (as an aside, i could kick him for even believing a word that came out of her mouth. i am about the last person in the world who would ever talk to the OW in this situation, i would have probably ripped her head right off of her shoulders, sure, but the only words i may have uttered are not appropriate for this board) so off he ran, and off he stayed for 4 months. Really read what you said there...Wow. HE made the final choice to say YES and made the decision not to talk to you first. SHAME on him for believing her and not talking to you. What an A-hole! What a mess and I feel for you. Marriage councilling is what I would do. Individual and together as a couple. I'm very sorry for the loss of your child.
Author brokenbuthopeful Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 Thanks for the support wwiu, it is very much appreciated. he is still not home, our older son just got in from school and is asking why his dad is never home anymore, the youngest is crabby from not feeling well, and i have never felt more like a single parent than i do right now. i agree, we do need counselling, we had a counsellor who came highly recommended, however she was the one who we had to cancel during the time the OW discovered she was pregnant, and when i called back to reschedule she was booked. i got the impression she didnt appreciate getting blown off and i dont blame her. so were back to looking and now that im working also, its hard to mesh our schedules. thank you also for the condolences. hisn birthday would be next week. he would have been 7. some days he is all i think about, others are better. today is a bad one, im here wondering what my life would be like if that bitch of a doctor had listened instead of thinking she knew it all. omg, i hate hmo's! sorry for the change of subject, but it relates. i got my oldest's new insurance card with his primary care dr's name the other day, the doc is no other than the one that killed my son! can ya believe that??
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 omg, i hate hmo's! sorry for the change of subject, but it relates. i got my oldest's new insurance card with his primary care dr's name the other day, the doc is no other than the one that killed my son! can ya believe that?? That is even worse! I feel bad for the kids. I mean, they are the ones who are suffering and confused here, and they did NOTHING wrong. Neither did you. Keep on venting and letting it out. If you love him and want him, then fight hard - work it out...Do what you can to make it work...But if he isn't willing to change or put in any effort - Let him walk...But I do hope either way some efforts are made on his behalf. And that MC can start up again. Maybe try to find another person to work with?
FolderWife Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Oh, poor guy to be TRICKED by such a wicked skank! Why don't you blame him and not her? HE'S the one that was in the relationship with you...HE'S the one that has cheated on you TWICE. Blame him. Get angry at him. Make HIM beg you to take him back...stop fighting for him!
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