Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Just buy your own car. Thanks but no thanks on the "contribution". Not that simple. I truly don't need that car at all but saying no to a mans gift, like gaius pointed out, is like rejecting him and being in your masculine energy, not showing any vulnerability. I am a woman so not a car person but it's not about the car. It's complicated.
Author BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I actually found a great car, has almost everything I want is a 2014 and is only 20K. I could probably go down to 19ish 3
norajane Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I did like xxoo's suggestion, but if he then counters by offering to make up the total difference I think you should take it. Making a man feel useful is incredibly important in a relationship and that seems like the perfect opportunity, something you do want and he can offer. Plus I'm sure if he loves you he'll really enjoy being able to help you experience getting a brand new car for the first time. Taking any kind of virginity is always a plus. I wouldn't ever consider "making a man feel useful" by taking his money. In this example, he could be useful by researching other cars that might offer similar features but cost a lot less money. He can be useful by going with her to test drive cars and help her understand what questions to ask about things like torque and whatnot. He can be useful by supporting her desire to stay within a budget that she can afford. Taking money seems more like using a guy for his cash than making him feel useful. Personally, I don't take money from men, ever. Men with money who want to give it to you expect strings attached, whether it's overt or implied. 1
norajane Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Not that simple. I truly don't need that car at all but saying no to a mans gift, like gaius pointed out, is like rejecting him and being in your masculine energy, not showing any vulnerability. I am a woman so not a car person but it's not about the car. It's complicated. Saying no to sex is when a man feels rejected. You are not rejecting him if you reject cash.
gaius Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I wouldn't ever consider "making a man feel useful" by taking his money. In this example, he could be useful by researching other cars that might offer similar features but cost a lot less money. He can be useful by going with her to test drive cars and help her understand what questions to ask about things like torque and whatnot. He can be useful by supporting her desire to stay within a budget that she can afford. Taking money seems more like using a guy for his cash than making him feel useful. Personally, I don't take money from men, ever. Men with money who want to give it to you expect strings attached, whether it's overt or implied. Well, that's your choice but I don't think you're perceiving the situation correctly from the guy's point of view. I bought my girlfriend something way, way, way less expensive than 5,000 dollars the other day but it was something that would make her life easier. In essence I solved a small problem in her life with my money and it makes you feel good as a guy, if you're with someone you love and trust. And they're not asking for or demanding it on some level. It's not even about the money really. Becoming her personal assistant instead and doing all the research is not the same thing, by far. It's actually kind of emasculating in a way. 3
clia Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Well, that's your choice but I don't think you're perceiving the situation correctly from the guy's point of view. I bought my girlfriend something way, way, way less expensive than 5,000 dollars the other day but it was something that would make her life easier. In essence I solved a small problem in her life with my money and it makes you feel good as a guy, if you're with someone you love and trust. And they're not asking for or demanding it on some level. It's not even about the money really. Becoming her personal assistant instead and doing all the research is not the same thing, by far. It's actually kind of emasculating in a way. I agree with this. I think a lot of men get great satisfaction and enjoyment out of solving a woman's problems. And sometimes that happens to be via money or buying her something she needs. Blu's guy wants to help her get a nice car, hence offering her the $5k. It would please him to help her out, so she has to handle rejecting his offer in a careful manner. One of the first things my husband ever bought for me was an iPass. For whatever reason, I had never bought one, and I was heading on a weekend trip and was dreading having to wait in line to pay the tolls. The next time he showed up at my house he had an iPass in hand for me, problem solved. We had only been dating around a month. He still beams when I mention him buying me that iPass and how happy it made me. 4
anna121 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I agree with this. I think a lot of men get great satisfaction and enjoyment out of solving a woman's problems. And sometimes that happens to be via money or buying her something she needs. Blu's guy wants to help her get a nice car, hence offering her the $5k. It would please him to help her out, so she has to handle rejecting his offer in a careful manner. One of the first things my husband ever bought for me was an iPass. For whatever reason, I had never bought one, and I was heading on a weekend trip and was dreading having to wait in line to pay the tolls. The next time he showed up at my house he had an iPass in hand for me, problem solved. We had only been dating around a month. He still beams when I mention him buying me that iPass and how happy it made me. All of these gestures are super thoughtful including the 5K. But I would feel weird accepting that much money unless the RS were much more established. Admittedly, bright lines are arbitrary, but I'd tend to have a problem with anything over a few hundred dollars for at least the first year.
lana-banana Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I agree this is a well-meaning man who just wants to solve your problems. But if you go for this car you'll regret it the second you sign the papers: you won't be able to stop thinking how many rent payments, bills, fancy dinners, etc you could've had instead, and it will absolutely torment you if your relationship goes south. My recommendation is to find a car near the top of your price range. It should be something you like and can afford most (if not all) of the payments yourself, even if it's a bit of a stretch. Then go to your boyfriend and say you greatly appreciate his gesture, but this is ultimately your car and your decision, so you'd like to get something else---but you'd be flattered if he chose to help you with it. That way you save money, honor his original idea, flatter him a little, and demonstrate your own financial acumen. I am sure he'll be pleased. If he somehow respected you less for saving him money and not committing to something you couldn't afford, he's got bigger problems.
Author BluEyeL Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 So I went into the Nissan dealership with my BF and I had the finance guy pull out numbers, run my credit and all and I pulled out of it last second and left! After test driving the car and having those guys come up with different options for payment. I would go with a 0% interest for 60 months. Then, we went to see that 2014 car. Now I see scratches and stuff on it... Didn't buy that one either. Still thinking about it all.
RoseVille Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Take his $5K and use it as the down payment on a lease. And note that your insurance will be greater with a more expensive car.
Author BluEyeL Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 I agree this is a well-meaning man who just wants to solve your problems. But if you go for this car you'll regret it the second you sign the papers: you won't be able to stop thinking how many rent payments, bills, fancy dinners, etc you could've had instead, and it will absolutely torment you if your relationship goes south. My recommendation is to find a car near the top of your price range. It should be something you like and can afford most (if not all) of the payments yourself, even if it's a bit of a stretch. Then go to your boyfriend and say you greatly appreciate his gesture, but this is ultimately your car and your decision, so you'd like to get something else---but you'd be flattered if he chose to help you with it. That way you save money, honor his original idea, flatter him a little, and demonstrate your own financial acumen. I am sure he'll be pleased. If he somehow respected you less for saving him money and not committing to something you couldn't afford, he's got bigger problems. Can you re formulate your suggestion? I didn't quite get it.
RoseVille Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Can you re formulate your suggestion? I didn't quite get it. As I understand it: Find another car you like that's around $25K, take him up on his offer, make your payments easier for yourself than they would have been to begin with. 1
loveflower Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 As I understand it: Find another car you like that's around $25K, take him up on his offer, make your payments easier for yourself than they would have been to begin with. I think her bf will resent this...part of the reason of his offer was because he loves the car and want to be able drive it sometimes himself. isn't it? 1
Author BluEyeL Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Ah, but I don't think he'll offer for a car I can already pay on my own. The point was for me to get something nicer than I could on my own, not to help me get a lower payment for a cheaper car. I'd still be tormented if the relationship goes south ....
Author BluEyeL Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 I think her bf will resent this...part of the reason of his offer was because he loves the car and want to be able drive it sometimes himself. isn't it? That's right...
RoseVille Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 That's right... Well then, he's not exactly being generous. It's a self-serving gift.
Author BluEyeL Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 I feel ungrateful thinking that it's self serving. He just wants me to get something nicer, according to his standards of course.
Quiet Storm Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Please do your research, I've heard many people say Nissans are junk. You could get a Lexus with low miles and a few years old with a warranty and you'd be getting much better quality car. Buying a car brand new just isn't smart because it depreciates so quickly.
loveflower Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Please do your research, I've heard many people say Nissans are junk. You could get a Lexus with low miles and a few years old with a warranty and you'd be getting much better quality car. Buying a car brand new just isn't smart because it depreciates so quickly. not necessary. look at this: 2015 Hyundai Elantra for sale | autoTRADER.ca https://www.hyundaicanada.com/Pages/BuildPrice/step2_trims.aspx?model=Elantra&utm_source=google&utm_medium=network_CPC&utm_content=300x250,%2B728x90&utm_campaign=cy2015_daa_july_cz&utm_term=generic2_kick_off_summer_event_july The difference between a used one and a brand new one is only a few hundreds bucks. which would you get? I am tempted, but elantra is kindda big for a single person....
Els Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Blu, I can't comment on the car itself (I'm awful with cars ) but in this situation it seems that it's not as simple as just accepting the $5k gift, yeah? Even if you accepted the gift, you might still be paying too much for the car compared to your original budget. I'm all for accepting sincere gifts from the man you are with, but I don't think you should make a decision that you otherwise wouldn't (by extending your own budget) to accommodate that. I think it's great that you found a car you like for $20k - I've never seen the point of splurging on cars since they depreciate in value FAST, but each to their own. 1
Radu Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 OK, thanks for your input guys My browser seems to be outdated and I can't click like today for some reason, but thanks! Salparadise, I'm thinking the same way. You make a lot of sense. The long term burden of a large payment is the problem. And it's not only that payment to the cost of the car. It's insurance, maintenance etc. This car is an all wheel drive (don't need that), gas mileage is not as great as a smaller car, like a Mazda, which is my next option. Let's not split hairs here, it's an SUV. A gas SUV, made by Nissan ... that is not a good idea unless we are talking of the 2003 era Nissan Patrol GR with that particular highly customizable engine. Avoid highly priced Nissans, they are loading them with chips and even repairing/replacing a faulty window crane [the engine in it] will cost a bundle. If it was a Diesel, or the Qashqai ... yeah. Also, SUV for today's vehicles means a sedan platform lifted a little and given a form of discretionary 4x4 traction [activates when you need it]. The only real advantage is that in the case of an accident you may be a little safer, sometimes ... depending on speed and angle. Which i'm sure appeals to you a little. I want to buy a 2014 Mazda 6, which prices at 20-25K. That would put my monthly payment around 450. This 2015 Nissan Murano is loaded with all the bells and whistles and is beautiful, but on the long term, I'd be paying more than it's worth it. When I started this job, 10 years ago, I also bought a 1year old car, below my "means", and it's still running well. I'm saving it for my son. That helped me with money, driving that car free of payment for like 6 years now. I want to do the same. Next year, I'm getting a promotion and a serious salary raise, but I don't want to get that raise and sink it into this car. It is beautiful, but for a dual income family. If we are married and he wants a new toy and he can obviously afford it, he can buy it then, but now he's not a husband. Candie, coming up is my second birthday, he got me diamond earrings for my first one. And....a Dyson LOL That was a joke (I had said that I read somewhere that a boyfriend who doesn't give a romantic gift but a practical one should be dumped and this is why he gave me a vacuum cleaner in addition to the earings) For the first Christmas he gave me a trip to Mexico. He seems to be in the husband mode, but we're not getting married before at least 5 years and we'll need to compromise on our income differences. I don't have a crappy salary, but he has an unusually high income, which comes with a bit of a difference in lifestyles. It's a bit of a problem for me, because I see his toys and it makes me want this and that and then when I put things on paper, I see I can't afford all that he has so...I have to always bring myself back to Earth. And that's OK. The car he wants is not representative for me. I'm setting up at time to meet with a Mazda dealer and see what I can get. Maybe it's my line of thinking ... but i would greatly appreciate a gf who gave me a practical gift over an expensive romantic gift. At least for me, that's the keeper. I was going to propose the Mercedes GLK but damn ... it's very expensive there; it's cheaper in Europe. o.0 Anyway ... the Mazda 6 is a good car. Also .. DO NOT BUY the Hyundai Elantra. It has had some problems, mostly related to some of them having the tendency to swerve into incoming traffic over 50 mph if you let go of the steering wheel. It's one of the reasons why we did not buy it in the family 2yrs ago.
Radu Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Well then, he's not exactly being generous. It's a self-serving gift. The guy makes 500k a yr, he can easily afford to buy it himself [for his own needs] or rent it for a few days. It's true that he might end up driving it from time to time, but it has nothing to do with 'owning it'. He might do it for other reasons, curiosity, an offer of car exchange with his SO, etc ... --- OP, do not be so obsessed with the money if the RL goes south. You are the 2 yr mark, and you sound very much in love with each other. This is just another gift. This obsession with independence is not exactly ... good. Like others said, guys feel great when they can solve a woman's problems. It massively boosts their ego, and from the sound of things the offer was made in good faith and you are considering it in good faith. If he's a good guy, he'll just write it off as a loss from the moment it was given, regardless of where the relationship is going. 1
salparadise Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) I feel ungrateful thinking that it's self serving. He just wants me to get something nicer, according to his standards of course. I don't see it as self serving- I just think it's wishful thinking on his part where he isn't quite getting it from your perspective. His offer of 5k would put you over budget by 10k, and he is not the one who would be feeling the squeeze. If I were you I'd be thinking, "ok buddy- put your 5k on whatever luxury car you'd like us to be driving when we're together and I'll just keep a car that doesn't stretch my budget as basic secondary transportation." The notion that having really expensive vehicles is a truly life enhancing thing is foreign to me. I guess if you're at the point where money doesn't matter anymore then it may feel different... but even then, the difference between a nice car that serves the purpose well vs. luxury/prestigious amounts to a very expensive feeling. And given that the value evaporates with every passing day and every mile driven, and that the feeling is at least in part ego/status/image, it would difficult to bask in the pleasure. I mean if you're determined to make large sums of money disappear, do it in such a way it makes a difference in the world. I realize not everyone feels the same, so no need to defend the enjoyment of a luxurious existence for those who are fortunate enough to be in that position. I just believe that what we have is because of grace not virtue, so I'd have a hard time enjoying a 50k car knowing that there are still people who don't have enough to eat, can't afford education, etc., unless I was also funneling significantly more into solving those problems. I grew up in a working class home/neighborhood. There was a family living nearby that I always liked. They lived like the rest of us, but seemed to be enlightened in some interesting ways. I didn't learn until years later that they were multi-millionaires. I was amazed because they certainly didn't act the part. There were also some good works going on in that small town that were funded by an anonymous donor, and I don't know for sure but suspect it was often them. As for their cars... station wagons and economy cars without the fancy trim packages. Yea, I know... this is not the American way. Edited July 14, 2015 by salparadise 2
Diezel Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Not that simple. I truly don't need that car at all but saying no to a mans gift, like gaius pointed out, is like rejecting him and being in your masculine energy, not showing any vulnerability. I am a woman so not a car person but it's not about the car. It's complicated. My girlfriend has said no to a "man's gift" from me. It did not offend me, nor did it emasculate me. She found an alternative and ran with it. Not ALL men are going to be offended or feel like they are being robbed of their masculine energy, only the insecure ones will. 1
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