Israfil Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 This quote "What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do?" -- Friedrich Nietzsche posted by d'Arthez in another thread prompted me to start this one with this question: How important is like-mindedness in a relationship? To elaborate on the question, do you find it important to share similar political, religious, and moral views as your partner? What about preferences in aesthetic, musical, literary (etc.) taste? When do living, acting, and experiencing "otherwise" than your partner turn from being beneficial and joyful into injurious and negatively impactful?
blind_otter Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 When the person is trash, and a bad person in general, then their differences don't contribute anything good. But when someone is different from you, exposes you to new things, and challenges you to be a better person. When they sincerely want the best for you....that is a good thing, I think. It really depends on the person though. Some people find the comfort of familiarity more appealing than the challenge of differences.
Firesqueak Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I think like mindedness is vital on things you both consider big issues: For example- you want kids, he doesn't. A baby isn't something you can compromise on. Religion- He's a staunch Christian, and you're not religious. Problems will arise. Family- you like your parents and siblings to have an impact on your life. He prefers for you two to be a singular, stand alone unit- Even how active you are is important- a girl in my office is getting a divorce from her husband because he's too lazy. However, if it's small things- like musical taste, favorite color, and whether you are a cat, or dog person- eh, who cares? Small differences make a relationship interesting. Big ones make it impossible.
morrigan Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I agree that on the big issues--finances, lifestyles, children--you should have similar views. You should share or at least support the person's driving force or passion in life, whether it's religion, career, artistic, athletic or something else. No two people are going to fully share exactly the same tastes in hobbies, books, music, or other entertainment. A good relationship can be as much an exchange and appreciation of different qualities as it can be enjoying common interests. As long as there is respect and interest, not criticism or boredom, I don't think some aesthetic differences would be a big deal.
d'Arthez Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Like-mindedness is a very important part of a relationship, or in the case of differences open-mindedness. There are things that don't allow a compromise, most notably children. Either both people share the same desire, or they don't. In the latter case it is possible that they let their love override, which is completely possible. And, yes, I believe that can be the case without negative emotions or displaced anger. You have things like life-styles, an area which always bears an effect on both partners. If someone has two cars for the family, it would be insane to expect, just because the other partner does not believe in that, that the other partner would act as if the car did not exist. Every compromise will affect both people. These have of course an impact on the financial considerations. You have the financial considerations, which are not equal for all people. The more money you have, the more you can afford luxuries, and being lax. To have an upper-class life-style, you'd better be earning an upper-class paycheck or have a few millions here and there. Who wants to fight over a couple of K's, when you are making a couple of M's in a year? The story becomes different when you are jobless, and it is about a few bucks. Then you have the broad category of personal preferences. Political affiliation, religious affiliation, moral views. Aesthetic preferences, favorite sports teams and such. These all allow for major differences, IF both people in the relationship are open-minded, WHEN the points are important to at least one person. If both people don't give a thing about political issues, politics is a non-issue. If two people have opposing views on things, a relationship can be hard, or even impossible to sustain. Open-mindedness is but one factor, in the whole mix. Integrity is the other. As for issues with regards to aesthetic preferences, these can only be important if there is a huge difference in taste, and the arts are important to both people involved, for whatever reason that may be, for example pursuing a career in music or literature. For sports teams, sometimes one of the partners takes the obsession with the team too far, in the eyes of the other partner. Now, with that out of the way, how important is like-mindedness? That depends on the persons, and the dynamics of the relationship. For some people it is very important, and they will try to find a partner who is perfect and votes for the right party. That is one way, to live one's life, but not the one Nietzsche was describing. For other people, it is not important at all, except for a few core issues, earlier addressed in this post. More than like-mindedness integrity becomes of crucial importance. I have to respect the difference in appreciation of things. I may be passionate about Balzac, but that does not mean, I have any right to smack her with his novels time and again, or be insistent that she reads all his works. And then we would be arriving at the situation Nietzsche hinted at. Let me end this post, with another quote:"Love is the power to see similarity in the dissimilar." - Adorno
blind_otter Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Then you have the broad category of personal preferences. Political affiliation, religious affiliation, moral views. Aesthetic preferences, favorite sports teams and such. These all allow for major differences, IF both people in the relationship are open-minded, WHEN the points are important to at least one person. If both people don't give a thing about political issues, politics is a non-issue. If two people have opposing views on things, a relationship can be hard, or even impossible to sustain. Open-mindedness is but one factor, in the whole mix. Integrity is the other. I dunno. My parents don't fit this mould. One is extremely conservative, the other doesn't care much for politics. The key for them is tolerance of differences. Otherwise, where does the saying "opposites attract" come from? Complementary, supplimentary - I like a relationship where the other is strong where I am weak, and I am strong where they are weak, and we bolster each other up. But I am also not one to tolerate having to hang out with my lover every day and be friends with them and only them. The idea of being with someone very different from me is stimulating and exciting. It feels more enriching to be exposed to a different world. But I grew up with a different perspective. Two completely different cultures, languages, ideologies, even tonal scales and vocal inflection - meshed into one yin yang of cool interdependence.
SummerRae Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 What an interesting topic Israfil! I have often wondered about this. ~ Reminds me totally of what Kahlil Gabran said. For those of you who have not read/heard of the book The Prophet, this is what he said about Love, very enlightening: "On Marriage Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?" And he answered saying: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. " I bolded the parts that struck most... Come to think of it, i could have bolded this whole thing. Originally posted by blind_otter But I am also not one to tolerate having to hang out with my lover every day and be friends with them and only them. The idea of being with someone very different from me is stimulating and exciting. It feels more enriching to be exposed to a different world. But I grew up with a different perspective. Two completely different cultures, languages, ideologies, even tonal scales and vocal inflection - meshed into one yin yang of cool interdependence. Interesting Blind_Otter, you sound like you've had a very interesting upbringing. V. openminded!
blind_otter Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by SummerRae Interesting Blind_Otter, you sound like you've had a very interesting upbringing. V. openminded! Great quote. I love Gabran. My parents came from opposite sides of the world, and not only from different cultures, but also different generations (Dad is 22 years older than Mom and had already been married and divorced once before she was even born!) Yet they make it work like the odd couple. So the values I have, my cultural heritage, my family style - it's all improvised. They made it up as they went along because they didn't have the commonalities that people from the same culture and generation do. And so I grew up with this very creative sometimes awful, sometimes wonderful home life that no one else in the world could have had. So I have to believe that our differences are what make us stronger.
SummerRae Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Great quote. I love Gabran. My parents came from opposite sides of the world, and not only from different cultures, but also different generations (Dad is 22 years older than Mom and had already been married and divorced once before she was even born!) Yet they make it work like the odd couple. So the values I have, my cultural heritage, my family style - it's all improvised. They made it up as they went along because they didn't have the commonalities that people from the same culture and generation do. And so I grew up with this very creative sometimes awful, sometimes wonderful home life that no one else in the world could have had. So I have to believe that our differences are what make us stronger. OMG Blind_Otter, I LOVE THAT!!: "it's all improvised. They made it up as they went along because they didn't have the commonalities that people from the same culture & generation do." I'm going to remember that! That's cute. That is definitely a unique upbringing and proves that AGE IS NOTHING BUT A NUMBER.
Recommended Posts