ctwatlanta Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Hi...and thanks for reading this and providing any insight to this old man here. Being 45 many of you younger people may think we older people have all the wisdom. I can assure you we do not and my being here obviously proves that. Honestly, I feel weird even being here and a bit embarrassed to be seeking advice from a forum; however, it's certainly worth the shot. Background - I'm 45 with 2 young girls and she's 40 with 3 kids. We began dating 8 months ago and both have been single for quite a while before meeting. Things started off like any new relationship - crazy sex, tons of intimacy, and we fell in love. We live about 1 hour apart and see each other mainly on the weekends. I'm an executive with a big company and travel a great deal for work and put in approximately 60 hours weekly...not counting travel. With travel it can be 80 hours. The problem began a couple of months ago and my libido just fell off the face of the planet. Mind you, I find her the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world so it's not her at all. When I get home from a long week of flying criss-cross the country I'm exhausted and typically have a hard time staying awake past 10pm. Of course the kids have hit the sack by that time and she's wanting to talk, catch up and have sex and all I want to do is have peace and quiet and relax. She's told me several times that it's starting to bother her and I thought a great idea would be for us to take a nice cruise with the kids. I thought it would be great for the kids to get to know each other and for her and I to rekindle the fire as I really needed a break from work. So, this past week I surprised her and the kids with a week long cruise on a luxury liner through the Caribbean. Unfortunately, little did I know her youngest daughter is completely afraid of the water and boats!!! So, the cruise began with the youngest daughter having a breakdown. We finally got her on the boat but the entire cruise was dealing with her having fear issues and my daughter getting pissed because we couldn't do some of the fun water-related things I had planned. Of course it really put a bad damper on the entire week and I withdrew and tended to go relax along a lot to get away from it all. This was my first day off in 10 months so I just had no patience for any of it. (This was my fault completely and realize it now). Nonetheless, the cruise was over and she and I barely spent a minute together and had no "us time". Needless to say it was a very long, quiet trip back home. We got home Friday night and she barely spoke a word to me. She went to her house Saturday and things got really strange as she barely has responded to my messages and hasn't returned my call. Today she responded with a few texts and told me how upset she was with me as she felt I abandoned her on the cruise all week...which is an honest assessment. I was very selfish and didn't want to deal with all the BS from the kids and I told her how sorry I was and admit it was the wrong thing to do. She told me she loved me and that she was coming to my house Tuesday night as she wanted to talk before I leave on another business trip. I don't know why but I just feel like she may have gone out and "hooked up" when she didn't return my calls or respond to my texts Saturday. She did tell me today that she went out with friends Saturday and had fun. Perhaps I'm being paranoid but given the fact my sex drive dropped off the face of the planet and then compound the abandoned feeling from the cruise it's hard not to think she ran off and shacked up Saturday night. I did some research and learned that enormous amounts of work stress and a lack of sleep will kill a libido. Is it normal for a guy to lose interest in sex...even if the sex is amazing and the woman is just gorgeous??? I've made a Dr appointment to see what's going on. I'm not sure what to even say or do when she comes over Tuesday evening. I guess it's just best I do nothing but listen and then react to whatever it is she has to say. Should I ask if she's running around or will that make matters worse? It also makes a man look weak, paranoid and not confident. I'm finding myself sick as she's just been extremely distant and I can't sleep, eat, etc. This is a really embarrassing and sick feeling. I feel like a 15 yr old silly kid staring at my phone hoping and waiting for a call from her or a text. A few days ago I would have said you were crazy for thinking I'd ever feel this way. Thanks for taking the time to read and provide insight to an old guy and his hurt heart. 1
carhill Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 You've earned a fair amount of power. The power to choose. You're choosing to work like a 25 yo. That's fair. However, you're not 25 anymore. Something has to give. Apparently, for you, it's your libido. Then, a cruise comes along with kids..... with kids. That's nice and all but not exactly a libido inflating experience. Then there's kids with water problems and kids with entitlement problems. What to do Tuesday? Hey, the cruise went sideways and you're too important to me to let this get between us. Shyte happens. I'm here for the long haul. What can we do to make this corny memories when we're old and gray? Then, listen. Put a sock in the CEO mouth and listen. You'll get your answers. Process them and move on, wherever that is. 7
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I very much doubt that she hooked up, but you need to show her you are actually doing something re your lack of libido. Go to the doctor, tell him about your problem and get your testosterone levels checked. Are you on any medication that may affect your libido? 2
Popsicle Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'm sorry but I don't see what she has to look forward to...
darkmoon Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 you barely bothered with her on the cruise, yet you make her wrong with an accusation made up in your imagination, of running around do not take her for granted tuesday and accuse her of any more rubbish 1
autumnnight Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Cut out the cheating paranoia. You have no reason to think that. You know, I do have to ask, did she not tell you ahead of time that her child was afraid of water? Oh wait, you said you surprised her? So maybe nevermind on that, but if she DID know ahead of time, that would have been something good to tell you.... You sound exhausted. Is it really necessary to work that many hours? If so, then you probably just can't have a relationship. If you want a relationship, then you're probably going to have to figure out how not to be a workaholic. I spent almost 2 decades in a sexless marriage. I have to admit, no matter how wonderful he was, if a man stopped wanting intimacy with me, I wouldn't stay. Been there done that already. 2
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I very much doubt that she hooked up, but you need to show her you are actually doing something re your lack of libido. Go to the doctor, tell him about your problem and get your testosterone levels checked. Are you on any medication that may affect your libido? @ Carhill - thanks for the advice. I'll take it to heart. @ Elaine - I had actually booked the Dr appt a month ago and his only opening was next week. I plan to tell her that I'm going to the Dr to look into it. I realize the implications of my behavior. All people (especially women) want to feel wanted and I'm sure she's feeling that I don't find her attractive (despite my constantly telling her otherwise) or that I don't want her...which is the furthest thing from the truth. Thanks again for the words of wisdom.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Cut out the cheating paranoia. You have no reason to think that. You know, I do have to ask, did she not tell you ahead of time that her child was afraid of water? Oh wait, you said you surprised her? So maybe nevermind on that, but if she DID know ahead of time, that would have been something good to tell you.... You sound exhausted. Is it really necessary to work that many hours? If so, then you probably just can't have a relationship. If you want a relationship, then you're probably going to have to figure out how not to be a workaholic. I spent almost 2 decades in a sexless marriage. I have to admit, no matter how wonderful he was, if a man stopped wanting intimacy with me, I wouldn't stay. Been there done that already. @ Autumn - may I ask why your ex lost his libido? I love sex and I absolutely find her the most attractive woman in the world. However, I am literally exhausted when I fly back in on Friday nights (Just like when I fly back in this coming Friday) and I can honestly say that the last thing on my mind is sex. As much as I find her attractive and love her to death I feel like I've ran a marathon all week and the only thing I can do is crawl through the front door and pass out. I am going to the Dr in a week to look into it. I've read a lot and it says nearly 50% of all men past the age of 40 have a big drop in testosterone, but when you couple that with lack of sleep and stress test lvls drop even moreso.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I definitely agree that planning a cruise with the kids was probably not a great idea to try and rekindle your sex life. But when you have that many kids between the two of you, it's what it is. Now I honestly doubt that she'd hook up with a random guy. She wouldn't be so upset if she wasn't still invested. It's when they stop giving a crap that you should be worried. However, I think you're in for a "things need to change or else" talk. I've been where you are though. My sex drive is usually through the roof. But years back, my work and living situation changed out of the blue. So it caused me a lot of stress and sleepless nights. The woman I was seeing at the time had a very high sex drive as well. So when I suddenly started asking for rain checks and turning her down for sex to catch up on sleep, she took it VERY personally. Even though it had nothing to do with her at all, she just wouldn't take my word for it.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I definitely agree that planning a cruise with the kids was probably not a great idea to try and rekindle your sex life. But when you have that many kids between the two of you, it's what it is. Now I honestly doubt that she'd hook up with a random guy. She wouldn't be so upset if she wasn't still invested. It's when they stop giving a crap that you should be worried. However, I think you're in for a "things need to change or else" talk. I've been where you are though. My sex drive is usually through the roof. But years back, my work and living situation changed out of the blue. So it caused me a lot of stress and sleepless nights. The woman I was seeing at the time had a very high sex drive as well. So when I suddenly started asking for rain checks and turning her down for sex to catch up on sleep, she took it VERY personally. Even though it had nothing to do with her at all, she just wouldn't take my word for it. @ FitnessFan - That is exactly what I'm going through! My sex drive used to be through the roof but about 4 months ago my responsibilities at work doubled. Mind you, the easy response from many here is "Find a new job if the stress is getting to you.". It's not that easy. I have 2 children and a monthly 4K child support check to write. I have to work very hard and very long hours just to pay bills. I'd love nothing more than to find a nice relaxing 9-5 banker hour job. I can't change the child support as it is what it is. I really love this woman so I'll just figure out how to make her feel special again like I did when we first met. It's on me and i know it.
xcupid Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Lack of sleep, stress, and age can all contribute to loss of libido. Low testosterone can be a factor for sure and your doc can test for that. I doubt you've lost interest in sex. Do you still desire her even if you can't....? Don't start asking questions or making comments about her fidelity. That would definitely be the wrong move. There's nothing to support that assertion except your own paranoia. You're already treading on thin ice after the cruise "vacation" and if you start talking about her fidelity you're only going to push her away more and ruin something that sounds promising. You've admitted you screwed up - and it's understandable that you wanted time to relax and recharge. Best approach I think is to listen to her and find out what's troubling her. Is the lack of sex an issue for her? If so, you have that covered with the doc appointment. Or is she still getting over feeling abandoned on the cruise? That seems to be a major issue. She has to understand where you're coming from too - you've got a lot on your plate and it's wearing you down. You also have to understand where she's coming from and how she feels and work out a plan that makes you both happy. Good luck!
fitnessfan365 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) @ FitnessFan - That is exactly what I'm going through! My sex drive used to be through the roof but about 4 months ago my responsibilities at work doubled. Mind you, the easy response from many here is "Find a new job if the stress is getting to you.". It's not that easy. I have 2 children and a monthly 4K child support check to write. I have to work very hard and very long hours just to pay bills. I'd love nothing more than to find a nice relaxing 9-5 banker hour job. I can't change the child support as it is what it is. I really love this woman so I'll just figure out how to make her feel special again like I did when we first met. It's on me and i know it. Trust me, I definitely get it. I was doing VERY well as a freelance personal trainer. A rich client of mine had a one bedroom apartment attached to her property (mansion). So I left the gym I was at and I stayed in the apartment rent free in exchange for training her. In addition, she had a four car garage she turned into a mini fitness center that had all the equipment and free weights I needed. So I was able to have all my clients follow me and train them there. My client didn't charge me any sort of fee for this either. So I was clearing a ton with hardly any expenses. Then after three years, she decides she's putting her house up for sale. Within a week of the house going on the market, it sold. So I had to move out right away, find a new place to live, and had nowhere to train any of my clients. I took a personal training job out of a gym shortly after. But none of my clients wanted to pay gym fees or higher rates. So they all left me. So not only did I have to rebuild my training business from scratch working 50-60 hour weeks (up from 15-20 hrs a week), but now I suddenly had a boss for the first time in years. To say that I was stressed was an understatement and I started averaging 2-3 hours of sleep a night. So as you can imagine, my sex drive vanished. I've been back on my own now for two years and things are great. But when it happened, it was an absolute nightmare. Edited July 13, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 ok, reading between the lines, it sounds like you really love her and that you are sure of. I agree with whoever said she most likely did not cheat on you this past weekend. I do think she worded it though to give you a wake up call and same with the dwindling contact. I'm nervous for you for tuesday. Does she usually book dates with you or other way around? The reason I say this is because it almost seems like she's coming over to "talk" to lay down the law or break it off. I'm wondering if you should wait until tuesday on your end to say your piece. It doesn't hurt to say sorry about the cruise and tell her about doctor and other good things now. Why wait until she's having a pissed off talk with you where it sounds like you are just scrambling to fix this? Rather than you noticed before because you are at least attuned to her and she is a priority which is why you noticed the difference. I just think if you feel like there's a chance this is coming, you might be better off if you pre-empted it with your apology and way to rectify. It will seem more genuine and thoughtful. I wouldn't worry or say anything about cheating possibilities. That's not what's going on here. I think she's confused by you and tired of being taken for granted and can't see going on like this. Fix it before she talks to you about it.
Author ctwatlanta Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 She and I spent a couple of hours speaking last night. I used a lot of the advice here and simply fell on my sword, admitted the mistakes and the steps I'm taking to rectify them...and then I just listened. While my behavior has not been excusable she forgave me and understood where I was coming from. Just another sign that she truly is a great woman. She didn't blow up, or throw our last 8 mo's out the window over this. Instead, she listened intently and responded appropriately. We're spending the next couple of days together before I fly out Wednesday and have already made plans to spend this coming weekend together ALONE sans kids! I'm grateful for the advice given here. Thank you again and my best to you all. CTW 5
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 ctwatlanta I'm a woman & I'm older then you. I can't explain your sex drive issues but would implore you to get general physical, consult a urologist & learn some stress reduction techniques (that last one is a do as I say suggestion; you barely have to skim my Qs posted section to see what a stress puppy I am). It may be a little late in day but can you have flowers delivered to her with a sweet note before your meeting Tuesday? She needs to know the romance is still there. She probably spent Saturday night fretting about how her daughter ruined your expensive gift & your vacation, as well as whether her kid ruined the best relationship she's had in a while. I highly doubt she was out fooling around. Talk to her. Start by saying you don't blame her or the daughter. Ask her for suggestions. Tell her you have the various doctor's appointments. Glad you had the chance to talk.
autumnnight Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 @ Autumn - may I ask why your ex lost his libido? I love sex and I absolutely find her the most attractive woman in the world. However, I am literally exhausted when I fly back in on Friday nights (Just like when I fly back in this coming Friday) and I can honestly say that the last thing on my mind is sex. As much as I find her attractive and love her to death I feel like I've ran a marathon all week and the only thing I can do is crawl through the front door and pass out. I am going to the Dr in a week to look into it. I've read a lot and it says nearly 50% of all men past the age of 40 have a big drop in testosterone, but when you couple that with lack of sleep and stress test lvls drop even moreso. My situation was very different from yours. My H never really thought sex was important. Oh, it was a novelty when we first got married because it was new. But by our second year or so of marriage it was more an annoyance for him than anything else. He made it clear it wasn't me; it just wasn't important. And the fact that I found it important wasn't important enough for him to try. I would say stress and exhaustion might be your 2 biggest culprits. I have a high drive, and after reading about your work schedule, I don't know that I would feel like having sex either! The spirit might be willing, but the flesh would say SLEEP
wb1988 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Being 45 many of you younger people may think we older people have all the wisdom. Really, what makes you think that?
Recommended Posts