Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Okay, I am sitting here feeling like an idiot. As I am typing and reading I am seeing this for what it really is and I feel really stupid. BUT it is what it is. I need to stop this right now. I don't know whether to talk to him and tell him or to just fade. Any suggestions. It will be really hard to talk to him without getting emotional. Do I risk looking like an idiot even further?
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 No he didn't leave a message and the reason he didn't leave a message and has NEVER left a message is because he says he doesn't leave messages. ok (dumb rule of his but ok). Let him call you back then. That's what happens to people that don't leave messages. They have to keep calling until they reach who they want to talk to. Just a negative thought of mine. One of my friends ex bf's did this because he didn't want her to call him back and he would have to answer. He was working away and started cheating on her which is why I'm sure he controlled all of the initiating of phone calls. Not saying that's what your guy is doing just keep your eyes open. Bothers me less that he didn't leave a message but more that he claims it's a "rule" of his. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Okay, I am sitting here feeling like an idiot. As I am typing and reading I am seeing this for what it really is and I feel really stupid. BUT it is what it is. I need to stop this right now. I don't know whether to talk to him and tell him or to just fade. Any suggestions. It will be really hard to talk to him without getting emotional. Do I risk looking like an idiot even further? My recommendation is to let it fade. Being reactive and pushing the issue is only going to come off as needy, clingy. It will make you one of the crazy exes. The truth is that if he doesn't care enough about you, he's not going to care or be affected by anything you say. It will fall on deaf ears and only adds to the hurt and confusion. If you let this play out, the confusion will pass. You will come to a point of clarity and acceptance more quickly. It's very difficult, I know. But it puts you in a position of strength. Being centered. Focus on yourself and how this all feels. There is no such thing as revenge either. When someone disrespects you, you don't stoop to their level. The best revenge is to be the strong, secure, independent woman you are -- you're better than they are. If he calls, you answer and tell him that this isn't working for you and that you're moving on. If he doesn't call, and you don't reach out to him, he gets the same message. 4
Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Well for all it's worth he has always made a huge point of how confidant I am so I guess it's time to show him just how confident I really can be. Still doesn't feel good though.
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Well for all it's worth he has always made a huge point of how confidant I am so I guess it's time to show him just how confident I really can be. Still doesn't feel good though. he has always made a huge point of how confidant I am: Exactly! And, make it feel good. Go out and have a good time, do something nice for yourself. You don't need him to make you feel good . . . you can do that for yourself. A man shouldn't make you happy, you should already be happy. He should enhance what you already have, not bring it to you! 1
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I think RH has it right. I would also do the fade. If and when he calls again, then you make it light and try to sound happy and positive, then let him go. Don't make plans, and if he suggests anything then say you can't you're busy. It's going to suck but I don't think his head and heart are in it like you are and you deserve better! 2
Gary S Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 The guys is gone for a month - this is like a long distance relationship, and most of those do not work out. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Let me say this too, let's say he doesn't call you for a while and realizes you've fallen off the map too. He comes back and has whatever good reason you want to accept for seeing him again. You're coming into it again from a position of strength. You've drawn a line that he needs to toe from that point forward to demonstrate his sincerity and then you let him do that but he can't do the same things again. But, it's all you if you do decide to try again. You just have to draw a line so you don't keep going through this over and over again. You could give a second chance, but this is not baseball. There are only 2 strikes in this game. 3
Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 His out of town job ends at the end of this month and he will be back. To be honest I feel like I have invested way more into this than he has and I won't be doing that anymore. Before he left he seemed to appreciate me and the things I did for him, the attention I paid him and treated me accordingly but since he has left he has treated me as though he has forgotten those things. He was alone when he was here and I was the one he spent his time with. When he left and has had his time occupied, became the boss at work, not needed emotional support and got away from the issues he was was dealing with here, I seemed to become an option of sort I believe. I feel like he got a boost of confidence from the above mentioned and thats okay but I also believe it won't last as I believe confidence comes from within and can't be put there by others. Maybe a little. He was insecure when we met and I made him feel secure. He certainly seems secure at the moment. Im taking my security away from him so let's hope his can withstand being left to stand on his own again. I guess his ex really did a job on him and treated him much of the same way he has started to treat me. How ironic. 1
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 His out of town job ends at the end of this month and he will be back. To be honest I feel like I have invested way more into this than he has and I won't be doing that anymore. Before he left he seemed to appreciate me and the things I did for him, the attention I paid him and treated me accordingly but since he has left he has treated me as though he has forgotten those things. He was alone when he was here and I was the one he spent his time with. When he left and has had his time occupied, became the boss at work, not needed emotional support and got away from the issues he was was dealing with here, I seemed to become an option of sort I believe. I feel like he got a boost of confidence from the above mentioned and thats okay but I also believe it won't last as I believe confidence comes from within and can't be put there by others. Maybe a little. He was insecure when we met and I made him feel secure. He certainly seems secure at the moment. Im taking my security away from him so let's hope his can withstand being left to stand on his own again. I guess his ex really did a job on him and treated him much of the same way he has started to treat me. How ironic. You sound very smart and aware. I hope it works out for you
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 You sound very smart and aware. I hope it works out for you I guess his ex really did a job on him and treated him much of the same way he has started to treat me. - Don't go down the road of analyzing his previous relationships. He hasn't changed. She may have been putting up with his stuff and similar to how he's treating you and that's why it ended. He's not doing this because it's the way she treated him, he's doing it this way because of him . . .
Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Im not trying to analyze his past relationship Red, more trying to analyze him and probably myself more than anyone. I mentioned his ex because one evening while we were talking I told him that he seemed guarded and he said hmmm. The next night he came clean and said he was guarded do to they way his ex treated him, he went on to share some of it with me. In hind sight I see that his behavior toward me mimics the things that drove him crazy with her. I just think it's ironic that he can't see that. Oh well, you are probably right, he hasn't changed and he is NOW showing me exactly who he is. I get that. Just bummed, disappointed and and a little relieved to be honest. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Im not trying to analyze his past relationship Red, more trying to analyze him and probably myself more than anyone. I mentioned his ex because one evening while we were talking I told him that he seemed guarded and he said hmmm. The next night he came clean and said he was guarded do to they way his ex treated him, he went on to share some of it with me. In hind sight I see that his behavior toward me mimics the things that drove him crazy with her. I just think it's ironic that he can't see that. Oh well, you are probably right, he hasn't changed and he is NOW showing me exactly who he is. I get that. Just bummed, disappointed and and a little relieved to be honest. and a little relieved to be honest -- you're beginning to see the benefits of sitting back and observing how he's making you feel. Stick with it. If you're going at it, your losing focus on your feelings and being in the moment
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Redhead wrote: >>If he calls, you answer and tell him that this isn't working for you and that you're moving on. If he doesn't call, and you don't reach out to him, he gets the same message. Which is precisely what I advised way back on page one. :) Cinnimon.... I am happy to hear you have "seen the light" (as they say) and have chosen to move on. Head high and stay strong beautiful lady!!
Author Cinnimon Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Well I found out why I wasn't invited to spend the 4th of July with him. He decided to invite his ex wife to spend it with him................. Nice.
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 How did you find that out? FB or social media type thing? Mutual friend? Yeah, if a recent ex like that is still in picture or if it's recent, that explains some of it. Are you still going ahead with your plan to break it off? Meaning with a fade, of course. A conversation where you reach out is going to be on deaf ears. If he contacts you, no harm in saying a brief sentence of where your head is right now. Back to the ex-wife, if HE told you that via phone or text, I wouldn't keep communicating with him. Then just say good luck but we aren't on the same page, I'm moving on.
Author Cinnimon Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 I found out via social media. Pictures and all. They've supposedly been divorced for some time. The kids are in the photos as well. I don't have an issue with him wanting to spend the holiday with his family what I do have an issue with is him withholding it from me, if it was innocent. Yes I am still going through with the plan. He hasn't contacted me today as I'm sure he is punishing me for not taking his call yesterday. So be it. If he were to call right now, I probably wouldn't handle it well.
Redhead14 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I found out via social media. Pictures and all. They've supposedly been divorced for some time. The kids are in the photos as well. I don't have an issue with him wanting to spend the holiday with his family what I do have an issue with is him withholding it from me, if it was innocent. Yes I am still going through with the plan. He hasn't contacted me today as I'm sure he is punishing me for not taking his call yesterday. So be it. If he were to call right now, I probably wouldn't handle it well. The reality is that the two of you were not at the stage where you should expect going to things like this nor expecting him to keep you clued in. Would it have been nice, sure, but not expected. He didn't "owe" you that at this stage of things. It would be a nice thing and a good sign if he did, but he's showing you his level of interest. You are low priority. Don't read into why he's not calling you. Being in "receptive" mode is also about not reading into or assuming or analyzing behavior. It take the focus off yourself. You're doing fine. Receptive mode is answering calls too -- if he calls, listen to him patiently. And, depending on what he says, respond. But keep your composure. You can let it go to voicemail if you want because you're upset at that moment. If he leaves a message, you can decide if you want to call back based on what he says. This is actually giving you some power/control. He's not sitting there, well, she didn't answer so now I'm going to punish her. He's probably not thinking about it all. If he calls, two things might happen. You may find that he's coming back strong and says all the right things, etc. that make you think you'd keep seeing him OR give you the opportunity for closure. If you don't answer, he may just go away altogether (and that's ok too if you are ok with it), but you have that chance and can simply tell him not to call you anymore and that you're moving on instead of letting him fade and fall off the earth. You can do receptive mode or no contact from this point if you want. It's up to you, if you want the opportunity for better "closure", it may present itself. Personally, I almost prefer the fade away. He's not reaching out and I'm not reaching out. It's a balanced message. A two-way message . . . 1
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