Cinnimon Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Okay so here it goes, even though I feel so stupid writing this on here but I am teetering back and forth on ending things and have decided to ask for insight. I started seeing a guy 3 months ago. We have been on several dates and seen each other often UNTIL, he got sent out of town to work temporarily. He has been gone a little over a month and in this time he calls me almost everyday but rarely if ever texts. Before he left it was moving quite slowly but now it's almost nothing other than a daily phone call while he is driving back to his hotel room and after he arrives he says he needs to go get some dinner with his co workers and he'll call me later but he never ever does. Since he has been gone he has invited me to come and see him once. He works 7 days a week and only has the evenings off until the job is finished. I agreed to come see him. I drove 3 hours to get there and arrived as we was getting off work. We went to a quick dinner as it was late and he was tired. When we got back to his room he poured us a glass of wine and we watched TV then he says he needs to get to bed because he had to be up early. I say okay, chugged my wine and climb into bed. No kissing or touching by him, I actually initiated it and then sex. It was our first time having sex. I now realize that I made a huge mistake for doing so because I feel like crap now. Afterwards he says "that was amazing" and then turned his back on me and went to sleep. The next morning he woke me up to tell me he was leaving for work and as I arose up to kiss him, he gave me a one armed hug and told me to go back to sleep. A few hours later, I get a text from him saying thank you for coming have a safe drive home............ I drove home and he called me later that evening on his daily drive back to his hotel to see if I made it okay. He has called me everyday since I went but it has been nothing but chit chat. He avoids speaking of that evening like the plague. I have no idea where we are at, whats going on, if he even likes me anymore or should I just walk. I can't seem to get any kind of relationship conversation out of him at all. Since he has been gone he has been treating me like I am low on his priority list and he says its because he is so busy at work and tired, but he seems to have plenty of time to hangout with the co workers after work. Thoughts?
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I don't think it's abnormal but it sounds like right now you ARE low on his priority list. Working a lot like that and being on the road will do that to some guys--especially depending on where the timing of the relationship thus far was when he had to leave. I don't think yours was ideal. Rather than trying to get him to commit or figure out what's going on with "this" relationship, why not try to get a better relationship out of him? Right now you guys sound like it's in a rut and you are bored. It shouldn't be like that at the beginning at all. I think the momentum got sucked out of it because of him being away. BUT it is also possible that he is just boring and lazy. You have to kind of restructure things to find out. First of all, pull back. Those phone calls sound dreary as heck!! Why in the world let them continue?!? When they are sucking the life out of your relationship! Sounds like an obligation for you both which does not for an exciting relationship make. So don't be available for some of them. Spice it up and call him back later. Add variety to what you do and say with each other. There's a way to do that even when the person is traveling. To start with: anything that feels obligatory has got to go! Otherwise the relationship feels like a chore. He should be wondering if he's so dull and out of town and not yet had a relationship talk with you, where you are some of the time. He should expect that you are not just sitting there waiting that you are valuable enough that you are going to enjoy your summer and may be snapped up by some other guy. So how do you convey that: a) by enjoying your summer and not being 100% available to him b) let him wonder if you are dating other guys by not being accessible to him at all times. Mix it up. A late night return phone call or text from you could actually spice it up. If he misses it because he's still out with his co-workers or asleep already, his loss. I don't know if you've mentioned how much longer he is going to be gone but use this opportunity to reset and redefine this relationship. You don't want this one as it is. So most definitely don't try to get him to commit to this one. In other words, YOU are not satisfied with the goods as they are being offered. Do things so he has to step it up!! I've said this before but every interaction, even a seemingly negative one, is an opportunity to express yourself to get what you want. So right now you guys mainly have talking and/or texting. Instead of getting him to be your bf, why not get to know each other better to see if you want him as your boyfriend? Ask silly, interesting questions if and when you do talk. Think bonding. Find out if there is the depth there that would keep you interested long term. It's on you too to be interesting and flirty. If he is having these long, boring days by all means don't just listen to him and regurgitate your boring same day. Tell him little interesting funny things about you that wouldn't maybe come up in normal same city conversation. Or express yourself by showing that "you are NOT just sitting there waiting" and out doing something better which you can relate to him the next time you speak. I would also test him by mentioning stuff you'd like to do in the future. Don't say with him specifically. Say you saw a billboard for a movie or a concert or read a magazine article about a weekend trip place--whatever interests you and may interest him. Pause and see if he fills in the blanks. Find out if he is worth your while. Also date others until he does pin you down. It's summer after all. ps aim for a re-do on the sex. Good luck 1
yxalitis Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I'm inclined to give the guy some slack here... He is away, and working 7 days, he must be exhausted. He did ask you over, he did enjoy the sex, but avoided intimacy after. He is preoccupied with whatever the hell he is doing, and until that ends I'd just be patient. When he comes back, you can sit down and have a food talk...and see how he is when he's NOT working. Also, how often is he going to go away like this..is this a once of, or routine...? 2
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Oh I forgot to add about traveling with co-workers. You said that it seems like he has time for them but not you. If you travel a lot for work, unfortunately, going out with coworkers is part of the deal. It's not really a formal obligation per se but expected so you don't isolate yourself. You often have to do it to keep up. In other words it's an informal extension of the work day and can play a role in future assignments and promotions etc. Plus if he's with almost all guys, it's boys club expected. Don't get down on him about that. He's doing what you "have" to do. Enjoy his stories about it, be supportive about his obligations and he won't feel like he has to keep that stuff private from you. He'll probably tell you more and more where you will be his biggest confidante. This is what you want. Honestly I have no promises to the outcome of your relationship with this guy. The sex thing threw me for a loop. BUT pulling back is your best chance--both for getting what you want with him and/or finding it with someone else and not putting your dating confidence at risk. Much of the beginning of dating for women is a somewhat passive role. If you can keep it active by how you manage yourself, your decisions and confidence, your results in each relationship and future ones stand the best chance. 1
spiderowl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I don't get the impression this guy is very engaged. He wants company and so phones. He wanted to see you but is too busy really. Whether things would change once this job is over, I don't know, but he didn't make much of an effort to make you feel welcome. He also didn't initiate anything. While early sex is not usually a good idea unless you both feel really drawn to each other, if he was interested he would have wanted a cuddle and maybe a kiss to see you off. If it was me, I'd be opting out. I just don't feel there is enough there to keep it going. 1
IronZ Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I have a 5-day-per-week job and I have some exhausting days sometimes, can't imagine working 7 days a week non-stop for a month. That's insane. I think you should give him a little slack for being in zombie mode. He's clearly tired. I think the fact that he still calls you every night after you slept with him shows that he's interested in you. You should wait until he gets back and give him a few days to recover, then go on a real date with him and have a real conversation about where you two stand. That is when you will get your answers. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Okay so here it goes, even though I feel so stupid writing this on here but I am teetering back and forth on ending things and have decided to ask for insight. I started seeing a guy 3 months ago. We have been on several dates and seen each other often UNTIL, he got sent out of town to work temporarily. He has been gone a little over a month and in this time he calls me almost everyday but rarely if ever texts. Before he left it was moving quite slowly but now it's almost nothing other than a daily phone call while he is driving back to his hotel room and after he arrives he says he needs to go get some dinner with his co workers and he'll call me later but he never ever does. Since he has been gone he has invited me to come and see him once. He works 7 days a week and only has the evenings off until the job is finished. I agreed to come see him. I drove 3 hours to get there and arrived as we was getting off work. We went to a quick dinner as it was late and he was tired. When we got back to his room he poured us a glass of wine and we watched TV then he says he needs to get to bed because he had to be up early. I say okay, chugged my wine and climb into bed. No kissing or touching by him, I actually initiated it and then sex. It was our first time having sex. I now realize that I made a huge mistake for doing so because I feel like crap now. Afterwards he says "that was amazing" and then turned his back on me and went to sleep. The next morning he woke me up to tell me he was leaving for work and as I arose up to kiss him, he gave me a one armed hug and told me to go back to sleep. A few hours later, I get a text from him saying thank you for coming have a safe drive home............ I drove home and he called me later that evening on his daily drive back to his hotel to see if I made it okay. He has called me everyday since I went but it has been nothing but chit chat. He avoids speaking of that evening like the plague. I have no idea where we are at, whats going on, if he even likes me anymore or should I just walk. I can't seem to get any kind of relationship conversation out of him at all. Since he has been gone he has been treating me like I am low on his priority list and he says its because he is so busy at work and tired, but he seems to have plenty of time to hangout with the co workers after work. Thoughts? he has been treating me like I am low on his priority -- Pay attention to those feelings. They are there for a reason. Don't reach out to him first at all for any reason. Let him come to you. Focus on your needs and observe whether he's meeting them. If he doesn't call you for days, let it be. Let him show you what kind of guy he is. When you first started dating him, was there any conversation between you where you expressed what you were looking for our of your dating journey and what he was looking for for himself? That is something that needs to happen very early in a new dating scenario. If you're looking for a relationship and he's not, you're not on the same page to begin with and you move on. If he said he was dating for a relationship, you continue to observe whether he dates you that way. Proper dating. If the guy doesn't want to talk about relationship goals at all . . . it likely means he doesn't have a relationship goal. He just wants casual and fun. And, that's ok for him, but if that's not what you want, move on. Observe how he's making you feel. Let him lead. If he doesn't lead, don't follow. Edited July 13, 2015 by Redhead14 3
Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 We did have a clarification talk right in the very beginning. We both agreed that we were dating for relationship purposes, we also talked about not wanting sex right away as neither one of us has wants one night stands. He told me and I felt the same that he could not have sex with someone he didn't have feelings for. The night I went to see him, I think we both kind of knew what was going to happen since we both knew we would be sharing the same room/bed. I honestly just didn't think it would be me initiating it, but it was the way I felt at the time. So in reading the responses above, how do I pull back ? Stop taking his calls? I never initiate contact to begin with , it's always him. I told him that I know he's working and I don't want to intrude so I will wait for his contact and he always calls. What more should I do to pull back?
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 We did have a clarification talk right in the very beginning. We both agreed that we were dating for relationship purposes, we also talked about not wanting sex right away as neither one of us has wants one night stands. He told me and I felt the same that he could not have sex with someone he didn't have feelings for. The night I went to see him, I think we both kind of knew what was going to happen since we both knew we would be sharing the same room/bed. I honestly just didn't think it would be me initiating it, but it was the way I felt at the time. So in reading the responses above, how do I pull back ? Stop taking his calls? I never initiate contact to begin with , it's always him. I told him that I know he's working and I don't want to intrude so I will wait for his contact and he always calls. What more should I do to pull back? No, you don't pull back. Continue letting him lead. Be receptive for now. Don't reach out first, but respond to him in kind in terms of context. Don't initiate anything, including sex. He said he doesn't want to have sex with someone if he doesn't have feelings for them. Let him show you he has feelings for you . . . He knows you have some for him already. 3
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 We did have a clarification talk right in the very beginning. We both agreed that we were dating for relationship purposes, we also talked about not wanting sex right away as neither one of us has wants one night stands. He told me and I felt the same that he could not have sex with someone he didn't have feelings for. The night I went to see him, I think we both kind of knew what was going to happen since we both knew we would be sharing the same room/bed. I honestly just didn't think it would be me initiating it, but it was the way I felt at the time. So in reading the responses above, how do I pull back ? Stop taking his calls? I never initiate contact to begin with , it's always him. I told him that I know he's working and I don't want to intrude so I will wait for his contact and he always calls. What more should I do to pull back? You don't always accept those phone calls for one. I mean you have a life! Even with cell phone access people are busy don't always answer the phone. I agree with a lot of what redhead says usually and agree that you should be receptive and let him lead when you DO talk to him. You should not be there at his beck and call since he does not value it right now. So don't answer every call! He is treating you and the relationship as if you are boring--maybe because his life is a grind right now or maybe HE is just boring. So what do you do in addition: don't sit there and be boring. You are acting like a dutiful girlfriend before he has asked you to be one and before he has done the hard work to get you. You're truly wavering. Well, convey that to him with your actions. Someone who is wavering would not be as accessible. You can't want a boyfriend so much that you let him dictate all the terms and give you a type of relationship you DON'T want. Be more and do more the person you want to be without him and with the right guy, he should up his game to keep up with you. You play a role in how inspired he is about this relationship. Provide some of the spark. 2
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Okay so here it goes, even though I feel so stupid writing this on here but I am teetering back and forth on ending things and have decided to ask for insight. I started seeing a guy 3 months ago. We have been on several dates and seen each other often UNTIL, he got sent out of town to work temporarily. He has been gone a little over a month and in this time he calls me almost everyday but rarely if ever texts. Before he left it was moving quite slowly but now it's almost nothing other than a daily phone call while he is driving back to his hotel room and after he arrives he says he needs to go get some dinner with his co workers and he'll call me later but he never ever does. ***Since he has been gone he has invited me to come and see him once. He works 7 days a week and only has the evenings off until the job is finished. I agreed to come see him. I drove 3 hours to get there and arrived as we was getting off work. We went to a quick dinner as it was late and he was tired. **When we got back to his room he poured us a glass of wine and we watched TV then he says he needs to get to bed because he had to be up early.** ***I say okay, chugged my wine and climb into bed. ***No kissing or touching by him, I actually initiated it and then sex. It was our first time having sex***. I now realize that I made a huge mistake for doing so because I feel like crap now.*** ***Afterwards he says "that was amazing" and then turned his back on me and went to sleep. The next morning he woke me up to tell me he was leaving for work and as I arose up to kiss him, he gave me a one armed hug and told me to go back to sleep.**** A few hours later, I get a text from him saying thank you for coming have a safe drive home............ I drove home and he called me later that evening on his daily drive back to his hotel to see if I made it okay. He has called me everyday since I went but it has been nothing but chit chat. He avoids speaking of that evening like the plague. I have no idea where we are at, whats going on, if he even likes me anymore or should I just walk. I can't seem to get any kind of relationship conversation out of him at all. Since he has been gone he has been treating me like I am low on his priority list and he says its because he is so busy at work and tired, but he seems to have plenty of time to hangout with the co workers after work. Thoughts? Cinnamon, just read your post. Please re-read the two paragraphs in asterisk above. Gosh, I am so sorry your first time having sex with him was so disappointing...frankly horrible. I can't even imagine how I would feel had it been me. I understand him being out of town, busy with job, even stressed. But his behavior that night......your one and only night spent together after not seeing him for weeks....was beyond degrading, unacceptable, nor was it anything I personally would tolerate, especially considering you have only been dating 3 months. His behavior that night speaks volumes as to how he feels about you, how much he respects you. Apparently not much.... You say he keeps calling you but avoids talking about *that* night. How so? Do you bring it up and he changes the subject? If so, don't let him. Tell him you would like to talk about it. I would! I would ask him why he felt compelled to treat you so dismissively. If he was so stressed, he had no business inviting you in the first place. If he still says he does not wish to talk about it.....that also speaks volumes. He does not care about you or your feelings.. I hope that does not happen, but if it does, you follow your gut (which is what prompted you to create this thread in the first place), and tell him this isn't working for ya...wish him well and move on. I disagree with RH, no you DON'T continue letting him *lead* and you DON'T continue being receptive. Why should you? That is precisely what you have been doing, and where has it got you? Nowhere, except having to deal with "boyfriend" who feels *meh* about you, who has become so lazy and complacent, he can't even manage to TRY and make your one and only night together even a little bit special. Frankly, IMO he treated you no better than a two-bit whore. Sorry. And your continuing to be receptive to his leading this to nowhere, will only ending up hurting YOU in the long run, and send him a very bad message as well. I mean what person worthy of respect tolerates this behavior, and again I am referring specifically to the night you visited him. Stand up for yourself! Take care of your heart....take care of you! Trust me he will respect you for it, but more importantly, you will respect yourself! If, when he returns, he expresses an interest in seeing you again, re-visit the idea then and discuss what you need, and MAKE SURE he is up to the job. And encourage him to share the same with you. As it stands now, it sounds like he is simply going through the motions, but is not really into it, or you. I'm sorry hon. (((hug))) Edited July 13, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I disagree with RH, no you DON'T let him *lead* and you DON'T continue being receptive. Why should you? That is precisely what you have been doing, and where has it got you? The purpose of letting him lead now is for the OP to go through the "process" of observing a man's behavior to it's natural end. Sitting back now allows her to see it unfold and learn from it. Feel how it feels when a man isn't meeting her needs. She then can move on from it without wondering if she could have done something different. She'll just see him for who he is and know that whatever she did do, wasn't what he wanted or wanted enough anyway. She should date others, while letting this one go naturally. If he comes back strong enough, she can evaluate it at that point. And, if he comes back and strong, she still needs to sit back and observe carefully if she decides to move forward with him again. 1
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) I disagree with RH, no you DON'T let him *lead* and you DON'T continue being receptive. Why should you? That is precisely what you have been doing, and where has it got you? The purpose of letting him lead now is for the OP to go through the "process" of observing a man's behavior to it's natural end. Sitting back now allows her to see it unfold and learn from it. Feel how it feels when a man isn't meeting her needs. She then can move on from it without wondering if she could have done something different. She'll just see him for who he is and know that whatever she did do, wasn't what he wanted or wanted enough anyway. She should date others, while letting this one go naturally. If he comes back strong enough, she can evaluate it at that point. And, if he comes back and strong, she still needs to sit back and observe carefully if she decides to move forward with him again. I don't agree. She HAS been *observing* his behavior... and has more than enough info she needs to walk away, at least until he returns for good.. How much more info does she need? And how much more disappointment, confusion and hurt does she need to tolerate? Before determining what has ALREADY become very obvious? He is not into it! Whether it's due to stress, or he's lost interest in her, does not matter. He is not into it. Clearly! Choosing to walk away, IS its natural end. For now. While he is gone, and obviously too busy and stressed to have RL with anyone. It also gives HIM the space to introspect on HIS behavior, realize his mistakes, and gives Cinnimon the opportunity to get back to herself, have some fun this summer, without focusing on him, what he's doing, why he's doing it, etc. Under the present circumstances, a clean break is best IMO. You disagree, that's okay. I am not here to convince you. Cinnamon should read our responses (everyone's) and choose the best path for her. The path that will bring her the most happiness and peace. Good luck Cinnamon.. keep us posted. Edited July 13, 2015 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 And RH, regarding the paragraphs I quoted in asterisk in my original post to Cinnamon, about the night she went to visit......how would YOU have felt? How would you have handled being treated that way? Like a two-bit whore....jeez. Just curious. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Op, no one is trying to tell you how to deal with this one way or the other. But, this post is about ignoring/trusting your gut. The only way to learn how to do that better is by observing and not being in an "active" or "reactive mode". Best of luck to you in your dating journey 2
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Op, no one is trying to tell you how to deal with this one way or the other. But, this post is about ignoring/trusting your gut. The only way to learn how to do that better is by observing and not being in an "active" or "reactive mode". Best of luck to you in your dating journey I do agree with RH here. Think things through, and don't react impulsively. You have been observing his behavior, while he has been gone, and the one night you spent together...for quite awhile now. Ask yourself how his behavior has been making YOU feel, and ask yourself whether or not you wish to continue feeling this way.... If you don't then you KNOW what you need to do. What your gut has been telling you to do. Do not ignore those gut feelings, and again do whatever will bring you the most happiness and peace. If that means walking away (for now). - which is what I personally would do -- then walk. If that means hanging in and continuing observing his (apathetic) behavior and continuing to let him *lead*, then do that as long as doing that DOES NOT cause you hurt, disappointment and confusion. Peace. (((more hugs))) Edited July 13, 2015 by katiegrl 2
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I dated a guy for 3 years that always worked on the road. He called me every night after he got back from supper with his coworkers and would text me off and on throughout the day (depending on how busy they were). He always worked on the road but would come home every 15 days. I would also visit him in his hotel once in a while and it was always great. Yes it is exhausting working like crazy but he isn't the only guy in the world who works away from home. There are thousands of men that do and they all maintain their personal lives just fine. The guy is making you a low priority. He does have time to call you and text you, he chooses not to. If he can't handle the relationship and is too preoccupied with his job then he should let you go. I don't really understand what his deal is, and what happened between you two and the lack of intimacy and the cold shoulder is so awful. I am sorry you had to go through that. I would find someone else. 2
Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Besides the obvious here is what has me reeling inside. First off he is staying in beautiful place, amazing actually. When he was "home" we both had things that never allowed us much alone time, we spent a lot of time together but were never really "alone". When he got sent away I thought this is perfect, I will get to come visit him in this beautiful place and we will have the opportunity for some romantic quality time. After he got there I quickly realized that this job, even though it was in an amazing destination, still took up a lot of his time. The kicker for me was he never invited me to come visit him until last weekend, but was telling me of all these places and time he was spending with his (male) co-workers, my thought was wow, he could be having dinner and drinks with me, he could be spending time by the fire pit and pool with me and so on..........I guess I just chalked it up to him doing whatever with this crew of guys because he is there with them and not me. When he did finally invite me, it was a Saturday and then all of a sudden after I had already made arrangements to go, he tells me that he had forgot about a work dinner that he had to attend on Saturday and could I come Sunday instead. Of course I said sure and went on Sunday. Another thing, 4th of July he claimed he was just staying in because he was tired. He is at the beach where the firework show is spectacular and in my opinion very romantic. I wanted so badly to join him for the holiday but was not invited only to find out later that he spent it with his co-workers on the balcony of his suite, they had food and cocktails provided by him....... The straw that broke the camels back which prompted me to post: he had planned an evening of "fun" for his co-workers (he is the boss) I wished him well and told him to have fun as he deserved to have some fun and R&R even if it was just for the night. He called me the next day to tell me of the evening, he mentioned that HE had purchased Mardi Gras beads for everyone including himself to throw. I said throw them for what? He said for fun. I said and who were you going to throw them at, Girls? He said no, just people. I said so you and a bunch of guys were going to throw Mardi Gras beads at men? He said yes. I said really, and you think I am that dumb? He said you can think what you want, besides it didn't happen because it ended up being against the law to throw them. I told him I needed to go ( get off the phone) and he said okay. So this is what I am thinking after the call, first off men don't throw Mardi Gras beads at other men, Mardi Gras beads are meant to throw at women in return for showing their boobs. Second, the night I went down to see him he was exhausted and had to be in bed early so we had a VERY short time together yet the night with the co workers lasted until after midnight. Thirdly, he went on to tell he how much he had had to drink which was a lot. The whole thing has really just turned me sour.
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Besides the obvious here is what has me reeling inside. First off he is staying in beautiful place, amazing actually. When he was "home" we both had things that never allowed us much alone time, we spent a lot of time together but were never really "alone". When he got sent away I thought this is perfect, I will get to come visit him in this beautiful place and we will have the opportunity for some romantic quality time. After he got there I quickly realized that this job, even though it was in an amazing destination, still took up a lot of his time. The kicker for me was he never invited me to come visit him until last weekend, but was telling me of all these places and time he was spending with his (male) co-workers, my thought was wow, he could be having dinner and drinks with me, he could be spending time by the fire pit and pool with me and so on..........I guess I just chalked it up to him doing whatever with this crew of guys because he is there with them and not me. When he did finally invite me, it was a Saturday and then all of a sudden after I had already made arrangements to go, he tells me that he had forgot about a work dinner that he had to attend on Saturday and could I come Sunday instead. Of course I said sure and went on Sunday. Another thing, 4th of July he claimed he was just staying in because he was tired. He is at the beach where the firework show is spectacular and in my opinion very romantic. I wanted so badly to join him for the holiday but was not invited only to find out later that he spent it with his co-workers on the balcony of his suite, they had food and cocktails provided by him....... The straw that broke the camels back which prompted me to post: he had planned an evening of "fun" for his co-workers (he is the boss) I wished him well and told him to have fun as he deserved to have some fun and R&R even if it was just for the night. He called me the next day to tell me of the evening, he mentioned that HE had purchased Mardi Gras beads for everyone including himself to throw. I said throw them for what? He said for fun. I said and who were you going to throw them at, Girls? He said no, just people. I said so you and a bunch of guys were going to throw Mardi Gras beads at men? He said yes. I said really, and you think I am that dumb? He said you can think what you want, besides it didn't happen because it ended up being against the law to throw them. I told him I needed to go ( get off the phone) and he said okay. So this is what I am thinking after the call, first off men don't throw Mardi Gras beads at other men, Mardi Gras beads are meant to throw at women in return for showing their boobs. Second, the night I went down to see him he was exhausted and had to be in bed early so we had a VERY short time together yet the night with the co workers lasted until after midnight. Thirdly, he went on to tell he how much he had had to drink which was a lot. The whole thing has really just turned me sour. It almost sounds like he is scoping girls and keeping you on the back burner for when and if he returns home. He may have even met someone. If he truly liked you and wanted to be with you, he'd have invited you to join him on a lot of those occasions. Are his male coworkers single? You would be stupid to think that they are not hanging out with any girls. Men who are genuinely interested in a woman will make time for them, will WANT to spend as much time as they can with them. He is not doing either. Go with your gut!!! Mine has never failed me. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Besides the obvious here is what has me reeling inside. First off he is staying in beautiful place, amazing actually. When he was "home" we both had things that never allowed us much alone time, we spent a lot of time together but were never really "alone". When he got sent away I thought this is perfect, I will get to come visit him in this beautiful place and we will have the opportunity for some romantic quality time. After he got there I quickly realized that this job, even though it was in an amazing destination, still took up a lot of his time. The kicker for me was he never invited me to come visit him until last weekend, but was telling me of all these places and time he was spending with his (male) co-workers, my thought was wow, he could be having dinner and drinks with me, he could be spending time by the fire pit and pool with me and so on..........I guess I just chalked it up to him doing whatever with this crew of guys because he is there with them and not me. When he did finally invite me, it was a Saturday and then all of a sudden after I had already made arrangements to go, he tells me that he had forgot about a work dinner that he had to attend on Saturday and could I come Sunday instead. Of course I said sure and went on Sunday. Another thing, 4th of July he claimed he was just staying in because he was tired. He is at the beach where the firework show is spectacular and in my opinion very romantic. I wanted so badly to join him for the holiday but was not invited only to find out later that he spent it with his co-workers on the balcony of his suite, they had food and cocktails provided by him....... The straw that broke the camels back which prompted me to post: he had planned an evening of "fun" for his co-workers (he is the boss) I wished him well and told him to have fun as he deserved to have some fun and R&R even if it was just for the night. He called me the next day to tell me of the evening, he mentioned that HE had purchased Mardi Gras beads for everyone including himself to throw. I said throw them for what? He said for fun. I said and who were you going to throw them at, Girls? He said no, just people. I said so you and a bunch of guys were going to throw Mardi Gras beads at men? He said yes. I said really, and you think I am that dumb? He said you can think what you want, besides it didn't happen because it ended up being against the law to throw them. I told him I needed to go ( get off the phone) and he said okay. So this is what I am thinking after the call, first off men don't throw Mardi Gras beads at other men, Mardi Gras beads are meant to throw at women in return for showing their boobs. Second, the night I went down to see him he was exhausted and had to be in bed early so we had a VERY short time together yet the night with the co workers lasted until after midnight. Thirdly, he went on to tell he how much he had had to drink which was a lot. The whole thing has really just turned me sour. You two are not on the same page at all. If you're already at this point, "turned sour", there's your answer. Don't respond to his calls anymore. Period. If you were on the fence, I'd say stick with the advice I gave you earlier. But since this is where you are already, don't bother. 2
Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Yes , many of his co-workers are single and quite a bit younger than he is. Sadly I would have to agree with your thoughts, however much hurts to think so. He called me again last night at his usual drive home time, I did not answer because I was still feeling upset. He never tried to call back after that.
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 OP, i do agree that you have to do the path that is best for you personally. There are a bunch of little tiny things you could never even begin to put down here that should advise you on best path for you. It sounds like with your latest post that you are pissed and don't trust him. If you are that sour, I don't see why you would want to be with him. You can get you confidence back by being the one who pulls the plug or tell him: listen this doesn't seem like the best time for us to be dating, I think we should stop for now. I do think there is the possibility that you are being unreasonable. You are pushing for a relationship and relationship-type feelings from him and wanting him to take advantage of romantic type things--when he just is not in that headspace. And may not have been there before he left so it's a case of bad timing. Why beat a thing to death? Letting some parts of the relationship be like boyfriend/girlfriend but not really being there yet emotionally is a disservice to both of you and destroying a chance for a good relationship with him down the road. If you really feel like he was at all disrespectful during this time or that his apathy is due to his personality and approach to relationships or you, I would break up with him (for now or for good). If there's a chance that his apathy is due to his situation and that he's a good person who treats you well, just pull back until he is in a position to date you properly and date others as well in meantime. If you are so angry and put off by whole thing that you will not ever be able to get past it, then also drop it. I think you might not be suited to each other and each of your expectations is out of line with the other. No one of you is 100% at fault. He doesn't understand your point of view and you don't understand his. ps guys flirt for an ego boost with regards to mardi gras beads and hanging out with his coworkers and keeping up with them. He sounds so tired I doubt he would also waste time calling you every day if he wasn't sincerely interested in you. I don't know how much longer that will last though. There is some taking you for granted with switching the day on you from sat to sun. I think it's simple if you want to keep pursuing a relationship with him. Don't be so available. make him feel like he's auditioning for you rather than the other way around. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Yes , many of his co-workers are single and quite a bit younger than he is. Sadly I would have to agree with your thoughts, however much hurts to think so. He called me again last night at his usual drive home time, I did not answer because I was still feeling upset. He never tried to call back after that. did he leave a message? you can't expect him to bombard you with phone calls because he's mind reading that you are mad. If you are mad and not unreasonably so, tell him. If you are pulling back, because you are not sure he's worth it, then if he left a message, respond when you feel like it and are not mad. You should be positive and happy when you talk to him. If he didn't leave a message, then don't worry about it and let him call you again. He will. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Yes , many of his co-workers are single and quite a bit younger than he is. Sadly I would have to agree with your thoughts, however much hurts to think so. He called me again last night at his usual drive home time, I did not answer because I was still feeling upset. He never tried to call back after that. Try not to think of this as "hurting" you. It's simply that you two aren't on the same page. He's not consciously trying to hurt you. He occasionally meets women who are on the same page in terms of a relationship model, they are ok with casual sex, they don't want a relationship. He finds one he likes and sees where it goes. He may have realized you were wanting more from him and didn't want to give more. Could be lots of reasons. You two were only in the exclusive stage. Not boyfriend and girlfriend. Exclusivity is the period of evaluating a partner to determine on a deeper level if they want the next stage. In the exclusivity stage, you shouldn't be expecting to be included in very many things in his life. You were a little ahead. Even when you've entered exclusivity, you need to continue to observe how they treat you. This guy did contact you the next day and "thank you" at least. But his behavior after that wasn't great and made you feel bad and not trusting his motives. Guys do things sometimes that are all about them. You got into bed with him. He didn't touch or reach out to you. He let you start things. This could be something of a "disclaimer" for him, "hey, I didn't start this you did. So if you start feeling hurt because I don't move things forward, that's on you". Manage your emotions and expectations for a while when you enter a new dating scenario. This minimizes hurt feelings and allows you to move on more easily when you find that it isn't working. It's a process not an event.
Author Cinnimon Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 did he leave a message? you can't expect him to bombard you with phone calls because he's mind reading that you are mad. If you are mad and not unreasonably so, tell him. If you are pulling back, because you are not sure he's worth it, then if he left a message, respond when you feel like it and are not mad. You should be positive and happy when you talk to him. If he didn't leave a message, then don't worry about it and let him call you again. He will. No he didn't leave a message and the reason he didn't leave a message and has NEVER left a message is because he says he doesn't leave messages.
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