SycamoreCircle Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Just keep dwelling on it. At work I watched a bunch of couples. How could I have picked such a rotten apple? I feel like what transpired between us was something reserved for Jerry Springer, Season 25. I watched this Forensic Files the other day. This guy's business was going south, plus he was facing a drastic rise in his insurance. So he stages his own death. He lures this kid that works at Home Depot back to his garage, chloroforms him, dresses the kid in his duds, drops a truck on top of his body killing him, then douses him with diesel fuel and burns his body. He wished to collect the millions in life insurance and split it with his wife. The thing that got me, and why it relates to my ex, is that he did these little things after the murder that honor honesty and forthrightness. For instance, he texted the kid's mother with the kid's phone "Got work in MO, talk to you later." That was indeed where he was headed. He also used the dead kid's name and car when checking in at a Missouri hotel. There was a kind of truth to it all. Why do that? One investigator referred to the killer's behavior as narcissistic. I feel like my ex, in the midst of her crime, made similar pathetic and absurd concessions to the truth, in the greater scheme of the lie. Anyway, just thinking too much about it. Want to be rid of something that grants nothing but pain. 1
15Love Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Uuugh! Why can't we quit dwelling! It's the worst. Good to know I'm not alone. Wish I could be beyond this so much! 1
Satu Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Uuugh! *Why can't we quit dwelling! It's the worst. Good to know I'm not alone. Wish I could be beyond this so much! Amor fati: "Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity." Source here. “I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
Author SycamoreCircle Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 I found a Modern Library copy of The Philosophy of Nietzsche at a thrift store with my ex just a day or two before she cheated on me. I was reading Beyond Good and Evil when everything went down. Yes, I need to accept everything. 1
Satu Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I found a Modern Library copy of The Philosophy of Nietzsche at a thrift store with my ex just a day or two before she cheated on me. I was reading Beyond Good and Evil when everything went down. *Yes, I need to accept everything. Thats the price of emotional freedom.
writergal Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Thats the price of emotional freedom. The Serenity prayer comes to mind. It talks about calmly just accepting things as they are, have the courage to change the things within your control, and be smart enough to recognize what is out of your control and realize that you can't control everything or everyone. Once you accept your current circumstances, regardless of what those circumstances are, you become more mindful of your life. That's usually the time you can change it, when you let go of the need to control everything. Also, Sycamore stop wallowing about your past. That won't change it. Maybe lay off the pot. 2
Satu Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 The Serenity prayer comes to mind. It talks about calmly just accepting things as they are, have the courage to change the things within your control, and be smart enough to recognize what is out of your control and realize that you can't control everything or everyone. Once you accept your current circumstances, regardless of what those circumstances are, you become more mindful of your life. That's usually the time you can change it, when you let go of the need to control everything. Also, Sycamore stop wallowing about your past. That won't change it. Maybe lay off the pot. When I look back at my life, I wouldn't want to change anything, because everything that happened brought me to where I want to be. Here and now makes it all worthwhile.
writergal Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 When I look back at my life, I wouldn't want to change anything, because everything that happened brought me to where I want to be. Here and now makes it all worthwhile. Exactly. Even the horrible parts have a purpose. No regrets. People who have regrets didn't learn the lessons their regrets meant to teach them. That's why regrets are the hardest lesson learned. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 My GF of 2 years and I had been dating for a month. WE did a quick road trip. Her last 1.4 year R/S had ended when her BF went back to his crazy ex and then married her two weeks later. Clearly, he had been seeing his ex while with my GF. She was a mess for 6 months afterwards. Depression, sadness and just screwed up over it. Well, she pulled herself up off the floor and started dating again. She met me a few months later. Anyway, on the road trip home, we passed thru an apple orchard. We stopped and picked some off the trees. She then made a comment that I'll never forget. With a big smile on her face, she said "you know, great days like this make going thru the bad ones SSOO much better".. She was very happy and it was very memorable. 2
Author SycamoreCircle Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 I think one of the reasons I felt bad today is because I have been better than I ever have about it. There have been times recently when I pause and savor the distance I feel. "Wow, I can't get as emotional about it anymore!" Then to crash down again upset me. I think a lot of it is pride. I did love her. But honestly there was a shift in the relationship where I felt that I loved her in a deep, respectful way and less in a romantic way. I don't really miss her sexually. But was that because she had grown increasingly selfish? I do wish that I could hold her...but the old her...not the person she became at the end. That was an awful monster. Really awful. Also, I was thinking about the first girl that I loved back when I was 20. During that romance, I longed to smell her and touch her and be inside her and taste her all the time. Was it because I was so young? I don't know if I can be that excited about another person again. I did love holding my ex and being close to her. I held her close to me the day after she began her first gesture of the physical affair. How could she stand that? How could she tolerate me holding her when she's emotionally with this other guy? It just seems odd to me. Sociopathic. One day I'll be dead and the monument of this will be nothing. No one will remember. It will have never happened. So much energy. I would have never guessed this was the trajectory my life would take. Just let it be. 1
writergal Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I think one of the reasons I felt bad today is because I have been better than I ever have about it. There have been times recently when I pause and savor the distance I feel. "Wow, I can't get as emotional about it anymore!" Then to crash down again upset me. I think a lot of it is pride. I did love her. But honestly there was a shift in the relationship where I felt that I loved her in a deep, respectful way and less in a romantic way. I don't really miss her sexually. But was that because she had grown increasingly selfish? I do wish that I could hold her...but the old her...not the person she became at the end. That was an awful monster. Really awful. Also, I was thinking about the first girl that I loved back when I was 20. During that romance, I longed to smell her and touch her and be inside her and taste her all the time. Was it because I was so young? I don't know if I can be that excited about another person again. I did love holding my ex and being close to her. I held her close to me the day after she began her first gesture of the physical affair. How could she stand that? How could she tolerate me holding her when she's emotionally with this other guy? It just seems odd to me. Sociopathic. One day I'll be dead and the monument of this will be nothing. No one will remember. It will have never happened. So much energy. I would have never guessed this was the trajectory my life would take. Just let it be. You were cheated on by a previous girlfriend and that deeply hurt you. Stop dwelling on what happened because it doesn't change the fact that she cheated on you. Once you stop caring about the past, when you see couples at your job, their happiness won't trigger your feelings of resentment and anger you still carry for your ex. 1
Satu Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 The key question is this: "How do you feel about your life as it now is?" If you want to answer that question, don't refer to the past or the future. Just look at the present and answer. 1
Jemay Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I think one of the reasons I felt bad today is because I have been better than I ever have about it. There have been times recently when I pause and savor the distance I feel. "Wow, I can't get as emotional about it anymore!" Then to crash down again upset me. I think a lot of it is pride. Really, really get where you're coming from. I'm exactly there as well. Feel so much better, and then all of a sudden the crash down. For me it's pride as well. I loved him, loved him too much, and what I got in return is just so damn pathetic. It's just a little blip in time, the moment only carries the meaning we attach, it means nothing really, and yet whilst we're in it, it can be so overwhelming. I personally feel better knowing I'm not crazy, and others are going through similar. So you have my compassion, and I hope tomorrow things will be brighter and easier for you. 1
Satu Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Really, really get where you're coming from. I'm exactly there as well. Feel so much better, and then all of a sudden the crash down. For me it's pride as well. I loved him, loved him too much, and what I got in return is just so damn pathetic. It's just a little blip in time, the moment only carries the meaning we attach, it means nothing really, and yet whilst we're in it, it can be so overwhelming. I personally feel better knowing I'm not crazy, and others are going through similar. So you have my compassion, and I hope tomorrow things will be brighter and easier for you. If you feel bad, and look at the past, the past looks bad. If you feel good, and look at the past, the past looks ok. If you feel bad, and imagine the future, the future looks bad. If you feel good, and imagine the future, the future looks ok. Life is about how you feel now. 2
Author SycamoreCircle Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I just wonder if I'm capable of sustaining desire. Is desire sustainable? Desire for one person. I made some mistakes. I took her for granted in small ways. I could have been less concerned with money. I didn't know that she was unhappy. She hid it. Sometimes I think that the one problem all people of LS have is their low "Fµck 'em" count. I should just be able to write her off. But, as I was telling another member in a PM, if I owned a corner store and you came in selling a product, I buy the product and sell to my customers who in turn come back to the store furious at its defectiveness, it seems like there is a better designed set of people out there who would rightly blame you. But I would blame myself as well or mostly for my avarice in fooling with something untested, my avarice in "expanding." In fact, the brunt of the blame would fall on me because ultimately I feel I'm the only who can effectively respond to my own blame. I've always felt that way. And while it may be a more empathic course, it makes for a sorry compass to navigate the storms of modern life. 3
Jemay Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 If you feel bad, and look at the past, the past looks bad. If you feel good, and look at the past, the past looks ok. If you feel bad, and imagine the future, the future looks bad. If you feel good, and imagine the future, the future looks ok. Life is about how you feel now. then I better get to feelin good huh! 1
Satu Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I just wonder if I'm capable of sustaining desire. Is desire sustainable? Desire for one person. I made some mistakes. I took her for granted in small ways. I could have been less concerned with money. I didn't know that she was unhappy. She hid it. Sometimes I think that the one problem all people of LS have is their low "Fµck 'em" count. I should just be able to write her off. But, as I was telling another member in a PM, if I owned a corner store and you came in selling a product, I buy the product and sell to my customers who in turn come back to the store furious at its defectiveness, it seems like there is a better designed set of people out there who would rightly blame you. But I would blame myself as well or mostly for my avarice in fooling with something untested, my avarice in "expanding." In fact, the brunt of the blame would fall on me because ultimately I feel I'm the only who can effectively respond to my own blame. I've always felt that way. And while it may be a more empathic course, it makes for a sorry compass to navigate the storms of modern life. Have you ever considered the possibility that you didn't do anything wrong, and she just did what she did because she wanted to? 1
Author SycamoreCircle Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Have you ever considered the possibility that you didn't do anything wrong, and she just did what she did because she wanted to?Yes. This is what I mostly believe. There was absolutely nothing I could do. It's a terrible feeling, though. To have the thing in your life that you feel the most gratitude for being wrested from you. I always told her, "You make my life so rich." It's almost like it was a set up for disaster. You're just not supposed to value one thing so possessively. 2
Jemay Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I just wonder if I'm capable of sustaining desire. Is desire sustainable? Desire for one person. I made some mistakes. I took her for granted in small ways. I could have been less concerned with money. I didn't know that she was unhappy. She hid it. Sometimes I think that the one problem all people of LS have is their low "Fµck 'em" count. I should just be able to write her off. But, as I was telling another member in a PM, if I owned a corner store and you came in selling a product, I buy the product and sell to my customers who in turn come back to the store furious at its defectiveness, it seems like there is a better designed set of people out there who would rightly blame you. But I would blame myself as well or mostly for my avarice in fooling with something untested, my avarice in "expanding." In fact, the brunt of the blame would fall on me because ultimately I feel I'm the only who can effectively respond to my own blame. I've always felt that way. And while it may be a more empathic course, it makes for a sorry compass to navigate the storms of modern life. Never lose your compassion and empathy. It may make the ride a bit rougher at times but caring deeply, taking responsibility, giving ' a ****' these things makes life's experiences richer in the long run. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, accept, forgive, and let go, that's my mantra every day. 2
Satu Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 In most cases its best to take the view that neither party did anything wrong. Other options are: "I did nothing wrong, but you did." or: "You did nothing wrong, but I did." or: "We both did something wrong." Which can produce this: "I'm ok and you're not ok." or: I'm not ok, but you are ok." or: "We are not ok." I prefer to take this view: "I'm ok, and I'm ok with you being you." 1
jen1447 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I think one of the reasons I felt bad today is because I have been better than I ever have about it. There have been times recently when I pause and savor the distance I feel. "Wow, I can't get as emotional about it anymore!" Then to crash down again upset me. That can go on for years (I'm assuming forever bscly), so better get used to it. Sorry to be Debbie Downer bur forewarned is forearmed. I think it's really just a function of some vagary of the mind. The way we get over things is to forget them, or forget the immediacy of them, but sometimes for whatever reason - smell, music, unknowable sensations - the situational memory gets triggered and the immediacy comes back full force. Usually it's temporary but it sucks when it happens anyway. 2
writergal Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 In most cases its best to take the view that neither party did anything wrong. Other options are: "I did nothing wrong, but you did." or: "You did nothing wrong, but I did." or: "We both did something wrong." Which can produce this: "I'm ok and you're not ok." or: I'm not ok, but you are ok." or: "We are not ok." I prefer to take this view: "I'm ok, and I'm ok with you being you." Sycamore, pay attention to the bolded because it's about acceptance. You can't change anything before you learn to understand it, otherwise you're just operating under an assumption. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I don't really miss her sexually. But was that because she had grown increasingly selfish? I do wish that I could hold her...but the old her...not the person she became at the end. That was an awful monster. Really awful. This is what you need to remind yourself of. In most cases, people are simply on their best behavior during the honeymoon phase which can last from a few months to a couple of years. Once that period ends, you see the REAL person, their true character and personality. My last ex was a DREAM GF for the first few months. She then started to show me her real personality (I saw the red flags but I didn't run) and it really went down hill from there. She actually admitted during a fight that she was on (her words) "best behavior" during those months. I kept hoping the original version of her would reappear but we know that didn't happen. So.. what you need to recognize is the person you sometimes miss is the person who really doesn't exist. I did the same thing when she ended us. I kept reminding myself post break up of THE REALITY of who she really was. It helped me put her behind me and allowed me to move onto someone normal and to tell her "hell no" when she reappeared 6 months later wanting another chance. 3
Jonp219 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 If you feel bad, and look at the past, the past looks bad. If you feel good, and look at the past, the past looks ok. If you feel bad, and imagine the future, the future looks bad. If you feel good, and imagine the future, the future looks ok. Life is about how you feel now. This has to be one of the realest passages I've ever read. There's so much truth to this right here. Everything is about the now!
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