I seriously don't understand why men/women

[Apaige]

Treat the person that they are in a relationship with so poorly!! I just don't understand how it is so easy for some to show no respect, no regard for the other's feelings...I don't know about all of you, but if someone is kind, respectful, loyal and honest, I will give them them the world, and all of me, as in 100% of me, and my heart.

 

Guy I've been dating for almost 2 years now, just picks days that he just doesn't care. Goes about his business, and doesn't bother to say hello, send a nice text...it just isn't right. And it's not that I am being a cry baby bc he hasn't called, and it's not that he has to check in with me, but he always used to. The pattern is shifting! And since I've been down this road when a pattern shifts something is brewing. I go through this with him every summer. I just don't know what to make of it. Is it me, being paranoid? Is it my gut telling me something is wrong, or is there really something wrong? The text dwindle, the calls dwindle...I have no clue what he's doing all day...

 

Had a semi small disagreement last night, ( and please hear me out before you all attack me) a few weeks ago, I went to work with him ( he's a contractor that installs kitchens and bath) while he was working at a shore condo I brought my chair and sat on the beach, I took a picture of the ocean, and put it on Facebook, he saw that and got a little pissy at me for not tagging him. I apologized and told him nothing was intentional that bc he wasn't with me on the beach I didn't think to tag him. No biggie, and no argument!! Then last night we go to a big event together and he takes a picture and he doesn't tag me, I didn't care that he didn't tG me, but 3-4 weeks prior he jumped all over me for this. The difference, it was an function that we were at, and I was actually with him. I said something, and he got a little perturbed about it...but he fixed it and tagged me. Again, I don't care about being tagged in this, but wth? We both went to sleep woke up in the AM, I ran him to get his truck, we said GB, and haven't talked since. And that was 8 hours ago. I'm not sure what to so here! I'm overly annoyed. I mean if I don't call him, what if he doesn't call me?! Just so sick of these games, and myself not knowing what to ever do!!!

[Redhead14]

Treat the person that they are in a relationship with so poorly!! I just don't understand how it is so easy for some to show no respect, no regard for the other's feelings...I don't know about all of you, but if someone is kind, respectful, loyal and honest, I will give them them the world, and all of me, as in 100% of me, and my heart.

 

Guy I've been dating for almost 2 years now, just picks days that he just doesn't care. Goes about his business, and doesn't bother to say hello, send a nice text...it just isn't right. And it's not that I am being a cry baby bc he hasn't called, and it's not that he has to check in with me, but he always used to. The pattern is shifting! And since I've been down this road when a pattern shifts something is brewing. I go through this with him every summer. I just don't know what to make of it. Is it me, being paranoid? Is it my gut telling me something is wrong, or is there really something wrong? The text dwindle, the calls dwindle...I have no clue what he's doing all day..

 

Had a semi small disagreement last night, ( and please hear me out before you all attack me) a few weeks ago, I went to work with him ( he's a contractor that installs kitchens and bath) while he was working at a shore condo I

brought my chair and sat on the beach, I took a picture of the ocean, and put it on Facebook, he saw that and got a little pissy at me for not tagging him. I apologized and told him nothing was intentional that bc he wasn't with me on

the beach I didn't think to tag him. No biggie, and no argument!! Then last night we go to a big event together and he takes a picture and he doesn't tag

me, I didn't care that he didn't tG me, but 3-4 weeks prior he jumped all over

me for this. The difference, it was an function that we were at, and I was

actually with him. I said something, and he got a little perturbed about it...but he fixed it and tagged me. Again, I don't care about being tagged in this, but

wth? We both went to sleep woke up in the AM, I ran him to get his truck, we

said GB, and haven't talked since. And that was 8 hours ago. I'm not sure

what to so here! I'm overly annoyed. I mean if I don't call him, what if he

doesn't call me?! Just so sick of these games, and myself not knowing what to ever do!!!

 

What were your relationship goals when you first started dating him? Did he tell you he was dating for a relationship? Were you on the same page to start with?

 

Some guys say they are but they don't date you that way. What was rhe dating pattern in the beginning?

 

For now, sit on your hands. Dont reach out to him first. Let him come to you. If you want to explore this, answer the questions I've asked above. While you are sitting on your hands

[Apaige]

What were your relationship goals when you first started dating him? Did he tell you he was dating for a relationship? Were you on the same page to start with?

 

Some guys say they are but they don't date you that way. What was rhe dating pattern in the beginning?

 

For now, sit on your hands. Dont reach out to him first. Let him come to you. If you want to explore this, answer the questions I've asked above. While you are sitting on your hands

 

A few months after we started dating we exchanged conversation as to whether or not we were dating anyone else, I was not and didn't care to. I told him this he agreed and confirmed that we were on the same page with this. If you read my other thread, we are 100% BF and GF all winter long...and then summer hits and we are just off...little fights here and there. Last week while he was here he gathered all of his clothes to take home, and said this way hell have them for our nights out. That rubbed me the wrong way, bc last summer he did the same thing, and we took a small 3 week break from each other. He is planning his weekends well in advance now, when he can never do this any other time. He changed his profile picture on FB to him and his friend...(again, please don't jump down my throat about FB, again, it's not that, it's his shift in his behavior)

And now today remember I haven't heard from him since 7:30 and he's out on his wave runner with his "guy friends" it sucks that I find this out through FB...it's not right!! And he has no right being mad at me.

Again, I don't know if it's me, and past experience that exh left me to deal with and as a result I deal with trust issues, but wth...couldn't he have been a little more considerate?! I'm so effing over all this BS, the wondering, is killing me!! I want to be done with this relationship if this is how he will continue to treat me every summer, but I am so afraid that it is just me and my past creeping up into my emotional state of mind!!!! And the conversation will go a little something like this, " hey just got off the water, going to car wash call you in a bit". ( if he even calls) me: wow, I didn't hear from you all day, him: figured you were still mad, besides you didn't call me either" ugh!!!!!! So fed up

Edited July 12, 2015 by Apaige

[Redhead14]

A few months after we started dating we exchanged conversation as to whether or not we were dating anyone else, I was not and didn't care to. I told him this he agreed and confirmed that we were on the same page with this. If you read my other thread, we are 100% BF and GF all winter long...and then summer hits and we are just off...little fights here and there. Last week while he was here he gathered all of his clothes to take home, and said this way hell have them for our nights out. That rubbed me the wrong way, bc last summer he did the same thing, and we took a small 3 week break from each other. He is planning his weekends well in advance now, when he can never do this any other time. He changed his profile picture on FB to him and his friend...(again, please don't jump down my throat about FB, again, it's not that, it's his shift in his behavior)

And now today remember I haven't heard from him since 7:30 and he's out on his wave runner with his "guy friends" it sucks that I find this out through FB...it's not right!! And he has no right being mad at me.

 

Again, I don't know if it's me, and past experience that exh left me to deal

with and as a result I deal with trust issues, but wth...couldn't he have been

little more considerate?! I'm so effing over all this BS, the wondering, is killing

me!! I want to be done with this relationship if this is how he will continue to

treat me every summer, but I am so afraid that it is just me and my past

creeping up into my emotional state of mind!!!! And the conversation will go a

little something like this, " hey just got off the water, going to car wash call

you in a bit". ( if he even calls) me: wow, I didn't hear from you all day, him:

figured you were still mad, besides you didn't call me either" ugh!!!!!! So fed

up

 

Apaige, you have been in the exclusive stage for a pretty long time. Has there been any conversation regarding the next stage at all?

 

You are feeling the way you feel for a reason. He is not meeting your needs. He showing you that you are not a priority. And, the reason for that is he does not view you as a priority. This is the second summer hes behaved this way with you. He is showing you who he is. Him saying you didn't call him is about negating your feelings.

 

I'm not saying he is a bad person or intentionally trying to hurt you. It's just who he is, selfish.

 

Again, now is the time to sit back and observe. Technically the relationship is stuck in exclusivity. That is not commitment in terms of emotional investment or "responsibility" to a partner. Observe how he treats you from this point forward. Hit the reset button. Be in receptive mode. Let him initiate everything from now on. Let him come to you if he is going to. Let his actions from now on show you whether you want to make it work. If he comes to you realizing that you're maybe losing interest and actually does want more, then you can open a conversation about whzt you want in a relationship for yourself. You want a loving caring relationship with a man who coomuncates regularly and keeps you in the loop. Not cut you out every summer. Sit tight. Control your emotions and focus on your needs and whether hes meeting them.

 

In the meantime go out and have some fun. Make plans for yourself and not focusing on him. This is not game playing. Its about you getting refocused and objective. If its in your face, its harder to maintin perspective.

 

There is such a thing as a quality casual guy. A guy who has been treating you like a girlfriend and making you feel good and going through the motions while its convenient until . . . Its not.

[babycakees]

I agree with Redhead14. This guy is just selfish. A relationship should progress, not become stagnant or reverse. I think it's time to really decide if this is the right guy for you or if this is the type of relationship you want to be in.

 

You should never ever settle when it comes to a relationship. If he doesn't meet your needs, then it may be time to move on.

[Leigh 87]

Apaige, you have been in the exclusive stage for a pretty long time. Has there been any conversation regarding the next stage at all?

 

You are feeling the way you feel for a reason. He is not meeting your needs. He showing you that you are not a priority. And, the reason for that is he does not view you as a priority. This is the second summer hes behaved this way with you. He is showing you who he is. Him saying you didn't call him is about negating your feelings.

 

I'm not saying he is a bad person or intentionally trying to hurt you. It's just who he is, selfish.

 

Again, now is the time to sit back and observe. Technically the relationship is stuck in exclusivity. That is not commitment in terms of emotional investment or "responsibility" to a partner. Observe how he treats you from this point forward. Hit the reset button. Be in receptive mode. Let him initiate everything from now on. Let him come to you if he is going to. Let his actions from now on show you whether you want to make it work. If he comes to you realizing that you're maybe losing interest and actually does want more, then you can open a conversation about whzt you want in a relationship for yourself. You want a loving caring relationship with a man who coomuncates regularly and keeps you in the loop. Not cut you out every summer. Sit tight. Control your emotions and focus on your needs and whether hes meeting them.

 

In the meantime go out and have some fun. Make plans for yourself and not focusing on him. This is not game playing. Its about you getting refocused and objective. If its in your face, its harder to maintin perspective.

 

There is such a thing as a quality casual guy. A guy who has been treating you like a girlfriend and making you feel good and going through the motions while its convenient until . . . Its not.

 

 

 

He just isn't that into her.

 

No need to even entertain the idea that he IS actually crazy about her. He isn't.

 

And perhaps he is just hapless and hoping and lazy to all women. But I doubt it. If he met his

dream girl or a girl he was just smitten with, I am SURE he would make more if an effort.....

[Leigh 87]

My ex just wasn't that into me.

 

He met a younger hotter girl after me who he was really into. She got taken out for dinner dates immediately. Where as I wasn't taken out on a single date in nearly three years that I was dating that jerk.

 

In my case him and I were best friends but there was no chemistry beyond mediocre sexual attraction ; he felt low to no sexual attraction for me. I did for him but not exactly burning desire.

 

Maybe you are in a best friends style relationship where he just was never that excited about you and the chemistry and romantic side of things are low or mediocre at best. But he value your friendship and he loves you as a person so he stays, despite treating you like just some girl that he's lukewarm about.

[Redhead14]

He just isn't that into her.

 

No need to even entertain the idea that he IS actually crazy about her. He isn't.

 

And perhaps he is just hapless and hoping and lazy to all women. But I doubt it. If he met his

dream girl or a girl he was just smitten with, I am SURE he would make more if an effort.....

 

This is not about her doing something to find out that he really is more invested. But it is not our place to tell her to dump him. She needs to go

through the process of focusing on whether he meets her needs or not and

arrive at that conclusion herself otherwise she will be coming back here

doubting her decision and wondering etc.

 

I doubt that she will doubt or regret the decision to move on after she does this.

Edited July 13, 2015 by Redhead14

[babycakees]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this guy does not have any long term aspirations with this relationship. The signs are all there. I've been in this situation before. OP, you do not want to settle. Take a step back and ask yourself "What do I get out of this relationship?" If it's only stress and a headache, well then... You already know what you may need to do.

[Popsicle]

I don't understand how someone can be so careless with someone elses heart either. If you know someone is in love with you, but you're not in love them, then let them go.

[Leigh 87]

I briefly dated one of the most hardened players.... Even he took the time to text me every day.

 

The relationship I settled in with the guy who was never crazy about me...tells me that usually when you settle, it comes down to either: lack of chemistry and sparks and in Love feelings and passion to WANT to ravish your partner with affection and other stuff.

 

Or, some high chemistry couples also settle due to high chemistry usually signalling drama. Or most people you're the most in Love with tend to be the least compatable ( life is unfair)

 

In MOST case I have seen, one partner was simply less into the other. Plain and simple.

 

I think the OPs boyfriend simply not being that into her is the main culprit, however, it may just come down to him having a lacklustre personality and zest for life and his relationships.

[babycakees]

I've been in this type of relationship with a guy before. We saw each other only on the weekends because we lived 45 minutes away from each other. He thought it was too much to ask that we communicated when we weren't together. He actually told me he didn't think we needed to talk to each other when we weren't with each other. He wasn't fooling around on me.... he just wasn't that into me. And above all else, I do believe as the relationship went on he showed more and more that a lot of his lack of communication was his own selfishness with all personal relationships. 99% of the important things going on in his life I learned through his Facebook. He never took the time to text his girlfriend. And we dated 4 years.

[Leigh 87]

To give some perspective, the loved up couples I know who are crazy about each other, all tend to be engaged and wanting to make their wedding plans by two years.

 

The men I know who really fell hard and head over heels for their girlfriends do not scale it back at the two year mark; they propose or think of proposing and marriage.

 

Your mans behavioir is different from every man that I have met who adored and were infatuated or enamoured with their partners.

 

The other alternative is if he just doesn't give a darn about things in life that are important to him or, he does but doesn't know how to show it or doesn't like showing he us crazy about a woman.

 

Best case scenario and he is nuts about you and deeply in Love with you, and this is just how he treats women. Do you think you are settling? For him and his treatment of you? Yes, yes you are settling.

 

Two years is a long time so I know breaking up is hard.

 

Staying with him will probably be harder than leaving though.

[Apaige]

Thank you all for your reply. Yes, I do believe we are in love with one another. I don't know where we go from here. I live 40 min. From him. We both have children. I don't want to move my children out of their school, he doesn't want to move his child either. We are at a stand still. Yes, we have great chemistry in all areas! We get along great, laugh all of the time, just all aroumd enjoy each other. I just don't know where we go from here.

 

I am fine with the way things are meaning; I am okay that we aren't married, I don't want to be married again, and he feels the same...I do see myself with him in the future, but I don't know where or when. Would I live with him, eventually, but we will have to meet half way once kids are older. At least in high school. We will have many more options of towns to live in. My youngest will be in high school in two years.

 

I just get the feeling that he is looking for an easy out though. Yes, I sort of feel like he doesn't want to be a total D bag, so he'll start fights with me and say it's my fault for our dismiss. I just feel like I am damned if I so, and damned if I don't. If I ended it, I wouldn't even know how.

 

I caved and called him tonight... And he was pissed at this friggen stupid FB thing!!! The point was he had something to say to me about not tagging him, I apologized and made a mental note of that sure not to do it again, and he turns around and does just that. I don't are the I wasn't tagged, but I so care that he wasn't practicing what he just preached to me. That's what annoyed me...

 

Ugh!!! I just don't know what to do, or how to do it

[Redhead14]

Thank you all for your reply. Yes, I do believe we are in love with one another. I don't know where we go from here. I live 40 min. From him. We both have children. I don't want to move my children out of their school, he doesn't want to move his child either. We are at a stand still. Yes, we have great chemistry in all areas! We get along great, laugh all of the time, just all aroumd enjoy each other. I just don't know where we go from here.

 

I am fine with the way things are meaning; I am okay that we aren't married, I don't want to be married again, and he feels the same...I do see myself with him in the future, but I don't know where or when. Would I live with him, eventually, but we will have to meet half way once kids are older. At least in high school. We will have many more options of towns to live in. My youngest will be in high school in two years.

 

I just get the feeling that he is looking for an easy out though. Yes, I sort of feel like he doesn't want to be a total D bag, so he'll start fights with me and say it's my fault for our dismiss. I just feel like I am damned if I so, and damned if I don't. If I ended it, I wouldn't even know how.

 

I caved and called him tonight... And he was pissed at this friggen stupid FB thing!!! The point was he had something to say to me about not tagging him, I apologized and made a mental note of that sure not to do it again, and he turns around and does just that. I don't are the I wasn't tagged, but I so care that he wasn't practicing what he just preached to me. That's what annoyed me...

 

Ugh!!! I just don't know what to do, or how to do it

 

I caved and called him tonight... And he was pissed at this friggen stupid FB thing!!! -- This is one reason not to reach out to him first. He hasn't beem calling you for some reason . . . I reallly doubt that he's still this ticked off over something so insignificant. He didn't feel like talking to you, plain and simple. Instead of saying that, he used that excuse.

 

I wouldn't call him again. You're nervous because you are afraid that he will stop calling you altogether. And, that is a possibiliity. Or he may call you less and less frequently. If you have to nudge and remind him of your existence, there's a problem with him. You want a man who keeps in touch himself because he wants to, not because you push him.

 

This is a difficult thing, I realize and it's unnerving. But you have a life with children too. You want them to have man in their lives who is all in because he wants to be.

 

You have a suspicion that he's fading, let him. It stinks if that's true, but you need to focus on your needs. He's not meeting them.

 

Next time he calls, you could open a casual, non-confrontational conversation about what your needs are in a relationship and what you want for yourself and then let him talk and tell you what he sees for himself at this point. He may be on a different page than you are now. It sounds like he is anyway. He wants his freedom in the summer time at least. Is that going to work for you if you stay with him? Don't expect him to change for you. You would have to prepare yourself to "lose" him very summer. That's not going to be fun.

 

so he'll start fights with me and say it's my fault for our dismiss -- he blame shifts and dismisses your feelings. This is another need he is failing to meet. You want a man who acknowledges your feelings and needs and has good conflict resolution skills. He's acts like a child.

 

Think about other areas where he isn't meeting your needs. I'm sure there are more. This is not just about FB and doing things while cutting you out.

[Dreamworld]

I just ended a relationship recently due to the same reasons.

And we had only been dating for two months.

In the beginning he was blowing up my phone and then a month passed and his calls and texts started to dwindle and he started even cancelling plans last minute. Became the ultimate flake of flakes. I had to practically track him down only to have him say oh yeah sorry something at work came up tonight. I gave up.

Whether it was because he had gotten me now and didn't need to try anymore or he was losing interest, his behavior was making me unhappy. He didn't know he was making me unhappy. Our views on the subject differed so vastly I knew it wasn't going to work.