NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Once the split occurs with MM/MW (no matter who ended it) and from what I've read here NC is the best way to go, what are the odds MM/MW will try to get back in touch?
Cloudcuckoo Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Once the split occurs with MM/MW (no matter who ended it) and from what I've read here NC is the best way to go, what are the odds MM/MW will try to get back in touch? From what I've seen here, quite high. Read through the threads. 2
GoldieLox Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Yes, pretty high. Most of the time it's to restart the A, which is why it's important to block 100% if it's possible and you're dead serious about it. If you work with the other person, it's harder. Sharpening your mental block-out skills are important in that case. In a few cases, it may not be to restart the A. xAP reached out to me but did not try to restart... However, just because that did not occur, doesn't mean that them reaching out still isn't a way for them to try and be in your life. It's up to you how much you really allow. 1
RoseVille Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Pretty much inevitable, unless you go crazy and try to destroy his home life. 4
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Pretty much inevitable, unless you go crazy and try to destroy his home life. My ExMM did that himself it's day 10 and I'm feeling relief. One he was 2 months (at the time I called it ignoring me because I didn't know about NC) But his BW didn't know before. I quit my job and my number so I'm serious 1
nikki76 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 There are no odds, it's a given. That's why you need to block every possible avenue where they can somehow find a way to weasel back into your life.
RoseVille Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 My ExMM did that himself it's day 10 and I'm feeling relief. One he was 2 months (at the time I called it ignoring me because I didn't know about NC) But his BW didn't know before. I quit my job and my number so I'm serious If he did it himself, you can expect to hear from him again. It's only when you, the OW, seek out to HURT him, and his family, that he'll run and never look back.
Sassy Girl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 My xMM and I are still in contact. We email each other very occasionally and say hi. The affair is over. We have boundaries now which we stick to. It's now a friendship. We caught up for coffee after it ended and that too was fine. I dare say we will still do that. I am friends with most of my exes and it works out just fine .
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 If he did it himself, you can expect to hear from him again. It's only when you, the OW, seek out to HURT him, and his family, that he'll run and never look back. Roseville why do you think that is? The outcome is the same no matter who tells BS. Thank you
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I've never heard from him again. In email, I calmly and methodically laid out his cowardly behavior and addressed the lies about our affair he had told his wife. I then told him I was done communicating with him and he needed to focus on his family. A MM who believed he had two women at his feet doesn't want the truth laid out so carefully. Essentially he had been figured out, probably in a way he didn't even consciously realize he was doing. At the same time, he was old enough and made enough conscious decisions to figure it out. Even if they don't start out being cake eaters, most become them. Perceived power and control is addictive and corruptive. The only way to get that back is to end a relationship. Once it's there, you can't renegotiate terms.
No Limit Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 The chances are 99.9% MM/MW will reach out to you. 0.01% left in case he/she dies before he/she finds the time to do it.
whatatangledweb Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 My husband never contacted the OW after d-day. She kept trying though. I know he didn't because a year and a half afterwards she sent me this long string of texts. She was pissed that he had never contacted her. I changed my number right after I received them. I know of others where there was no further contact. And many others where they did. I would say you never know if they will or won't so if you don't want him to contact you, block everyway that he can.
Susmay Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Roseville why do you think that is? The outcome is the same no matter who tells BS. Thank you I think the popular view here on LS is that if the WS comes clean with the BS then that is demonstrating more "genuine" remorse, and that gives a better chance of successfully reconciling. If this is true then perhaps the outcome is not the same, no matter who tells the BS. I don't know if it's true or not and what Roseville said isn't quite this anyway. On my D-day I discovered a long term affair and a presence on dating websites. When I confronted my WH a whole of of other things came pouring out of him, more than I could have ever found out on my own. He said it had been eating away at him for years and he just wanted to get it all out and start over with me. I think you should be prepared for the possibility that your MM will at some point contact you again. It may be that he tries to suck you back in and take the affair underground again. You probably need to work out whether this is what you want or not. If you don't want an affair but do want him, then you will almost certainly need to lay it on the line for him to come back to you once he's sorted out his marriage (and not before!) and can be open about being with you. Because if you don't, it's possible he just wants his marriage and an affair again. If you don't want him at all, then you could tell him if you ever hear from him again you'll be telling his wife, and anyone else who you think needs to know. As you've probably worked out by now, many people have found exposure to be a very effective ways of ending affairs. Irrespective of this, his wife may decide on exposure of you at any time, and this is something neither he nor you can control. My impression is that BWs go about 50/50 on this. Some keep it to themselves, and others expose. 1
RoseVille Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Roseville why do you think that is? The outcome is the same no matter who tells BS. Thank you Because it's not. It's a VERY different outcome when it's the OW telling the BS, from the WS perspective. If the OW is innocent in a D-Day, he still views her as an option, a backup, a soft place to land. If she outs him, she's no longer safe, she's evil, she's not who he thought she was. He'll throw her under the bus and never speak to her again. Edited July 13, 2015 by RoseVille
casey.lives Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 don't boggle our mind with these questions. it's not good for you..
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I think the popular view here on LS is that if the WS comes clean with the BS then that is demonstrating more "genuine" remorse, and that gives a better chance of successfully reconciling. If this is true then perhaps the outcome is not the same, no matter who tells the BS. I don't know if it's true or not and what Roseville said isn't quite this anyway. On my D-day I discovered a long term affair and a presence on dating websites. When I confronted my WH a whole of of other things came pouring out of him, more than I could have ever found out on my own. He said it had been eating away at him for years and he just wanted to get it all out and start over with me. I think you should be prepared for the possibility that your MM will at some point contact you again. It may be that he tries to suck you back in and take the affair underground again. You probably need to work out whether this is what you want or not. If you don't want an affair but do want him, then you will almost certainly need to lay it on the line for him to come back to you once he's sorted out his marriage (and not before!) and can be open about being with you. Because if you don't, it's possible he just wants his marriage and an affair again. If you don't want him at all, then you could tell him if you ever hear from him again you'll be telling his wife, and anyone else who you think needs to know. As you've probably worked out by now, many people have found exposure to be a very effective ways of ending affairs. Irrespective of this, his wife may decide on exposure of you at any time, and this is something neither he nor you can control. My impression is that BWs go about 50/50 on this. Some keep it to themselves, and others expose. Thank you for your response which was very thoughtful and sincere. I never want MM under any circumstances; married divorced or any other way. My family is aghast I quit a job where all in with bonus was circa £1.3M changed all my numbers, and I've not even seen him in the flesh in 2 years. As for exposure to be used against me, I was a widow, he lied to me, everyone knew I was a widow, as soon as I found out I immediately never met him in person again, and my HUGE WRONG was to continue an EA. At this point I have nothing to lose and if she wants to put into the public domain that MM is an adulterer (his profession has him well known plus he is high up in his church and would immediately lose face) and she will never divorce him she would be foolish to do that to him. As for me, I freely admit what I did was hideous and abhorrent and I'm sincerely more than contrite. To be successful in my self understanding and recovery, I know keeping secrets are the path to trouble. I doubt he will get in touch again, but he will never get near me ever again. I will maintain dignity as much as possible but if he does push me into a corner but trying to contact me (which as he hasn't yet so I doubt he ever will) exposure goes both ways and he made a tremendous error in judgement when he sent me excruciatingly inappropriate photos, videos audio files and messages from his company paid mobile phone. It's my deepest desire it never comes to that and that he is working things out honestly with BW. Completely disgusted with myself and this whole situation. Your insight is very meaningful to me. Thank you.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Because it's not. It's a VERY different outcome when it's the OW telling the BS, from the WS perspective. If the OW is innocent in a D-Day, he still views her as an option, a backup, a soft place to land. If she outs him, she's no longer safe, she's evil, she's not who he thought she was. He'll throw her under the bus and never speak to her again. 3rd scenario: WS confessed. BS contacts AP and AP cooperates and accommodates BS's requests for information?
gettingstronger Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 In our case, I believe that since she outed the A to my husband it meant that she was not sincere when she agreed that it was just for fun with no want/need for anything more- I am assuming he was also royally mad that she did that (anon, but obvious it was her because it was the name he had her under in his phone, so who else would have known that) Her behavior after dday made him even more regretful of his actions-she freaked out on us and still does- 1
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