MurrayT Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Hello, There is kind of a lot to mention but I'll try to make it brief but I need some advice so my mind does not explode with this :/ After being single for many years due to my last partner cheating on me I have got with another partner and we are both seeking something serious and longterm. We met on a dating site and she had many suitors but in the end deemed me the best and most liked after a while. I understood this and even if she would not like me I would give her space and time. We then made it official, I met her family and she met some of mine. We did say the L word kind of quick but we trusted each other and we liked it, I was always honest 100% to her and even let her scroll through my things if she wanted to so her mind would be at ease (For the record she never did but felt like I should mention it). However she then told me a story between her "friend" that was in love with two people. I gave her some advice but later it felt like she was talking about herself. Another guy that was a "suitor" but hurt her so she said no to him, she started talking to him and admitted to me she had feelings for him. She said the feelings were only "lust", and she saw a longterm relationship with me and feelings for me that she never had before. That she would never act on these feelings of lust. She claimed it was revenge for what he done to her but it doesn't seem right. How my last relationship ended I asked her for some proof that nothing bad was going on and that if she wanted the best for us then she should remove him and that is "revenge" has collateral damage i.e. hurting me instead/also. Later I found out she lied to me that she did not remove him and continued talking in secret but she couldn't hide it from me. She stated she has removed him this time but trust is the foundation in which love can grow. I want this trust back but how can I take her word for it this time? Our foundations are cracked and I hope to repair them before everything crumbles. It feels like what happened to me years ago is starting again and the thought of it happening again is setting off many red lights in my mind. Basically, can anyone give me some advice on how to tackle the problem and anyone who may have gone through the same thing. Am I the problem? Am I simply being paranoid with my past or is something else going on. I do not mind any comments, be in negative or positive I just want some insight to this as I have never really been in many relationships. Consider me a novice. Thank you for reading and commenting if so. I appreciate your time. P.S I hope I mentioned everything properly but if not I can give additional information.
angel.eyes Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 You're right to be concerned. Since she's not being entirely honest this early in the game, I would leave. People are generally at their best at this stage. It's the honeymoon period. If she's already told you that she's lusting after another man, is hiding her interactions with him, and generally can't be trusted, I don't see what there is to work with or salvage. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It would be nuts to stick around. 2
Author MurrayT Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 You're right to be concerned. Since she's not being entirely honest this early in the game, I would leave. People are generally at their best at this stage. It's the honeymoon period. If she's already told you that she's lusting after another man, is hiding her interactions with him, and generally can't be trusted, I don't see what there is to work with or salvage. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It would be nuts to stick around. Thank you for your reply. I think you are right, I didn't want to accept the fact but it is the right thing to do. Thank you for your quick reply. 1
DaisyBug Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 You're right to be concerned. Since she's not being entirely honest this early in the game, I would leave. People are generally at their best at this stage. It's the honeymoon period. If she's already told you that she's lusting after another man, is hiding her interactions with him, and generally can't be trusted, I don't see what there is to work with or salvage. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It would be nuts to stick around. Nothing else to add....just THIS. 1
Author MurrayT Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Nothing else to add....just THIS. I know. It got through to me instantly. I just don't get most of what has happened is all, the whole "revenge" part.
spiderowl Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I know. It got through to me instantly. I just don't get most of what has happened is all, the whole "revenge" part. I would think if someone feels strongly enough to seek 'revenge' on anyone, they are still mentally engaged with them. She still has some feelings wrapped up in this guy, whether it is anger after being hurt or whatever. I can see why you are concerned. Until feelings are transferred to you instead of him, she's likely to be torn. If you hang around getting anxious and watching her, she won't respect you. Respect is fundamental to having feelings for someone. I suggest you back off, keep a distance and let her know you don't get involved with a woman whose mind is elsewhere. Feelings can change but I think she'd need to see you as a strong person who is not going to engage with her until she has a little more respect.
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