Chronograph Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Hey lovely people, I'm having one of those freaking hard days again where I cannot bring myself to very much. None of my friends are available tonight, no good movie is on in the cinema, no yoga class I could go to. So I'm just basically hanging around on Loveshack and thinking I'm starting to obsess about my breakup and this is not good. It's 2,5 months since the breakup now (a 15 year relationsship, I'm in my early thirties) and I repeatedly tried to go on Tinder. But everytime I'm on there I just think: no, no, no. I'm absolutely not ready for this. (Tonight I thought I'd try again, since nothing else is going on) And I know 2,5 months after such a long relationship is probably really early days, but I feel I'll never be ready for this. It really scares me. People seem to be very different, some of my friends shagged somebody else a week after they'd been dumped. So how long did it take for you? Did you ever feel you should be ready for something new but you still weren't? It's like I'm torn, part of me wants to meet someone new (out of defiance I guess, my ex already has sb new) but another part just feels like: never, ever again, to hell with all men! 2
Itspointless Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Hey lovely people, I'm having one of those freaking hard days again where I cannot bring myself to very much. None of my friends are available tonight, no good movie is on in the cinema, no yoga class I could go to. So I'm just basically hanging around on Loveshack and thinking I'm starting to obsess about my breakup and this is not good. It's 2,5 months since the breakup now (a 15 year relationsship, I'm in my early thirties) and I repeatedly tried to go on Tinder. But everytime I'm on there I just think: no, no, no. I'm absolutely not ready for this. (Tonight I thought I'd try again, since nothing else is going on) And I know 2,5 months after such a long relationship is probably really early days, but I feel I'll never be ready for this. It really scares me. People seem to be very different, some of my friends shagged somebody else a week after they'd been dumped. So how long did it take for you? Did you ever feel you should be ready for something new but you still weren't? It's like I'm torn, part of me wants to meet someone new (out of defiance I guess, my ex already has sb new) but another part just feels like: never, ever again, to hell with all men! Wow, 15 years and you are still young, Writing as a man, it always takes me ages. Never liked dating for the purpose of finding the supposed one, as I feel for many is 'the goal in life', so never have done that much. Can count it on one hand. I used to believe in chance ... doesn't work either. 3
BriNyc82 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I think the fact that you are questioning if you are ready is your answer right there. That is a very long relationship and it's easy to lose yourself and identity with someone else during that time. I woukd try to just focus on getting back to yourself and once you are happy with yourself you will be ready. I'm in the same boat. I want to date bc I'm ready to make someone a priority. But at the same time I look at everyone and think "you're just going to lure me in and spit me out". Don't feel pressured to date just bc your ex is. 3
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Been single for 6 months, haven't really dated. Hooked up with a couple of girls but that was the extent of it. I'm either into a girl or not, there's no in between. Some people are different and like to date around. So January rolls around, my ex and I split. I decided to work on myself. I've dropped over 30 lbs this year and am in as good of shape as I have in quite some time. Still not at my goal though. I think that's what's holding me back, is I want to hit my goal and go from there. My confidence is **** now too since I found out my ex has a new bf. So I think for everyone it's a little different. I'm struggling with being content with myself, I know I can't move on with someone new until I'm happy with myself. 1
HeartinPain Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 You first need to be happy with being alone and independent again. Being in a relationship for that long, you probably feel lost. Trust me, I was in an equally long relationship and I felt it was the end world. I went on a date with a friend who I have known had a crush on me for awhile 5 months in and I was not ready. I went on another date with someone I met through friends 8 months in and I was still not ready. During this time I focused on myself and learned to be happy being single. It wasn't until a year and a half later when I finally felt ready. I met someone casually thinking I wasn't looking for anything serious, but spending more and more time with him I realized that I was ready. Focus on improving yourself and finding your independence again. You will never be ready until you are happy being alone with yourself first. Relationships take a lot of work once you are in it, so why not take this time to do everything you wanted to do that you couldn't do while in the relationship? 2
Amas5750 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 You sound like you are so not ready to date, and I think you know it. 15 years is a long time. 2.5 months is objectively not a long time. Please be kind to yourself and pause a while on your own. I started dating a promising/great guy 2.5 months after my divorce. I so wasn't ready but tried to force it/talk myself into it. When he then dumped me a few months later it hurt like nothing else; because the pain of it combines with the pain of the original loss and it's the compound pain. Please, please, please get off Tinder. Please just "pause" a while. 2
candie13 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 i think... as long as you take it easy, it will do you good to meet new people. Not dating sites. But a lot of activities, meet up groups, hiking, sports, etc go out and meet new people. I think the biggest mistake i made after leaving my ex of 7 years was trying to find someone to replace him. I needed to get my head filled with ideas to be able to digest my loss. creating connections with people around you is the key, so you are onto something. As the previous posted pointed out, you are extremely vulnerable now and didn't really digest the break up. Just... take it easy and surround yourself with people and interesting activity. Not necessarily women and not necessarily dating. cheers
Cupid's Puppet Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 It took me 8 months and the date was terrible. 7 months later and I am dating again. I still think about my ex so much to the point where I can't even care about the guy I'm dating. So I feel like I shouldn't be dating, but I really think you will always feel like you're not ready to some extent. People come up with so many excuses to not date. They want to lose weight. They want to rebuild their self esteem. They want to improve professionally. They want to wait for the feelings of the ex to subside. Look, time waits for no one. My advice is to just do it and don't worry about the date sucking or you not being good enough. I wish I hadn't wasted the time I wasted moping over someone who was so ecstatic about abandoning me.
candie13 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 the danger does not lie in dating. date all you can if you are able to date aimlessly, for fun. the danger in dating is that ... you meet nice ladies (most of the times). And there is a danger in falling for one of them and not being able to set some healthy boundaries so that you can protect yourself. 1
Itspointless Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 the danger does not lie in dating. date all you can if you are able to date aimlessly, for fun. the danger in dating is that ... you meet nice ladies (most of the times). And there is a danger in falling for one of them and not being able to set some healthy boundaries so that you can protect yourself. Those are excellent tips (as well for me).
aloneinaz Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I'm a STRONG advocate of getting back on the horse when you think you're ready. Time passes fast enough. Our time on this earth is short. I think after a couple of months have passed from the break up with NC, you can be ready to casually date. I'd certainly NOT recommend jumping into a committed relationship. Getting out on dates is good for us. Its a reminder that there are lots of folks looking to meet, have a drink and share some laughs and life stories. After my 1.5 year R/S ended with a woman I REALLY loved, I started dating 2 months later. I knew I didn't want to EVER go out w/her again.. ever.. I had a blast dating again and enjoying the time with the woman I went out with. A few months of dating later, I met my now 2 year GF who I live with. We dated casually for a couple of months and it naturally turned into a great, committed relationship. I'll go against the grain here. If you think you're ready to go have some laughs on a date, do it.. 1
BriNyc82 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I completely agree, when you are ready. But I will say this, as the girl who has been a rebound girl. If you are not looking to get into a committed relationship then don't act like it to the girls that you are. The last two guys I dated were not completely over their exes and by the time they ended it I was too invested. 3
Author Chronograph Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Thanks for all the replies! Yeah, I think I know that I'm not ready yet. It is just scary cause it feels like this will be my feeling about it forever. It literally feels like this is it, my love life is over, my sex life is over, this is it, cause I just can't imagine anything with anyone right now. And somehow I believe that this will last. ... But I know, George Harrison was right, all things must pass, so this too will pass. Talked to a friend and I feel reassured now. She didn't feel like dating for a whole year after her breakup. So I guess nothing is wrong with me if I take more time. :-) 1
BriNyc82 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Take all the time you need. You don't need to rush it or feel like there's a timeline. Whenever you are ready IS the right time. And I promise you this feeling won't last.
Ariess10 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Take all the time you need, I don't get why everyone things you need to date it be with someone to be happy.. Be happy by yourself , let me say this 2 3 months after a long term relationship is not long to heal and start dating .. I don't care who you are that's not. Long time to be over your ex .. It's just mind boggling that people can start dating right after a long term .. How can you give your all to that person after such little time? I am 3 months out of a 3 year and I am in no way ready to date .. I wanna just do me be happy with myself and enjoy me again
BriNyc82 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I think some people can move on faster because they already had one foot out the door. They got the head start. Not all cases but some. Others quite frankly don't know how to be alone and need someone else to fill a void. Either way. You'll know when you are ready. A few years ago when I was fresh out of my breakup everyone kept telling me to get myself back out there. I went on a date and had such an awful time because I was constantly thinking of my ex. As soon as I got home I cried and cried. It's ok to be single and happy. 2
Ariess10 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I think some people can move on faster because they already had one foot out the door. They got the head start. Not all cases but some. Others quite frankly don't know how to be alone and need someone else to fill a void. Either way. You'll know when you are ready. A few years ago when I was fresh out of my breakup everyone kept telling me to get myself back out there. I went on a date and had such an awful time because I was constantly thinking of my ex. As soon as I got home I cried and cried. It's ok to be single and happy. I totally agree , some can't be alone and that's sad .. I wouldn't start dating again until I was complete over my ex .. It's just not fair to the other person , I wouldn't want that done to me .. Just how I roll 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 So I'm just basically hanging around on Loveshack and thinking I'm starting to obsess about my breakup and this is not good. Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I'm only 6 days in and I'm pretty obsessed with my breakup. I've been hanging around LS absorbing anything I can and trying to share relatable feelings and experiences. It helps. But I know, George Harrison was right, all things must pass, so this too will pass. I'm a Beatles Head so that stuck out to me. But it's very true. These feelings we have right now, won't last. We are hurting right now. The pain is real, believe me. I haven't eaten much since my BU. A few energy shakes, but nothing solid. I still haven't accepted it's over so I'm also mentaly beating myself up, which is worse. Just hang in there, we can do this. We WILL do this and be better for it. 1
Ariess10 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 It's a long road , but your right we will be ok in the long run ..
Bubberfly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 It's been almost two years for me (ok a year and 10 months if you want to get specific) and my last relationship was 6 years. Our break up was a DOOZY. I've had zero interest in dating (yep, haven't dated in almost two years) and don't really see that changing anytime soon. I'm still healing, I'm focusing on a lot of other things right now and am rather happy that I now have the time to focus on me. I went through the first 6 months after my break up in a PANIC thinking, dear god, I'm 30 I have to find someone NOW before it's too late!! And then the thought hit me...finding someone now while I'm still emotionally "broken" would be a horrible idea. Knowing my luck, the poor guy would really truly fall in love with me and here I am completely emotionally unavailable. Not fair to him. Not fair to me. There REALLY isn't a time limit or a right time to get back into the dating game. I think things need to happen naturally and when the time is right you'll feel it. 2
Author Chronograph Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I'm only 6 days in and I'm pretty obsessed with my breakup. I've been hanging around LS absorbing anything I can and trying to share relatable feelings and experiences. It helps. I'm a Beatles Head so that stuck out to me. But it's very true. These feelings we have right now, won't last. We are hurting right now. The pain is real, believe me. I haven't eaten much since my BU. A few energy shakes, but nothing solid. I still haven't accepted it's over so I'm also mentaly beating myself up, which is worse. Just hang in there, we can do this. We WILL do this and be better for it. Yeah, you're right it does of course help to read and share things on Loveshack. That's why it's sometimes the only thing that I can bring myself to do. But I've also realised that distraction helps me as well. I need a balance of things, I guess. Yeah and that's maybe the worst thing: we are mentally beating ourselves up. Happens to me all the time. I beat myself up because I'm not ready to meet other men, I beat mysef up because I'm hanging around LS, I beat myself up cause I cannot stop thinking or talking about my ex. Or I beat myself up because I don't get things done. But the truth is: it's okay. After a ****ing breakup it's okay. A good friend of mine who was with me the first days after my breakup said a very nice thing. I was panicking, my world had exploded, I was desperately wanting to know and to plan what will become of me and so on. And she said: Your only job now is to feel your feelings.
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