rov Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Hi, I met this girl through Facebook 3 months ago, we started talking a lot daily. We both are from Mexico and she was doing her medical internship in Europe when we met through Facebook. A month later she returned from Europe and we have been dating for about a month, she broke up from a 3 year relationship 6 months ago because her boyfriend went to another state to make his medical service and he dumped her, he was very emotionally abusive with her, she is surprised that I treat her so well. We have very good chemistry and great spark. So well, we have been dating for about a month, we had already held hands and kissed a lot. Two weeks I asked her to be my girlfriend and she told me that she we should wait for being a couple, she says we should keep dating and knowing each other. She told me she is overwhelmed because of her medical service and that she is afraid to get hurt again because of her past relationship but she told me that if we just keep dating and knowing each other till the end of the year she will be ready by then and become my girlfriend. She said she wants me to meet her parent and friends before being her boyfriend. After we spoke this on saturday she sent me a text saying that she wants to enjoy every step we take, she wants to explore many things with me and that it will be great. I don't know if she wants to keep me in the back burner or what. The other issue is that she will go to Europe or New York to make her masters degree in one year and a half, I don't know what to do, if cut the looses right now or just see where things go. I don't want to get hurt. I don't know if she wants friends with benefits before a commitment. Last time I saw her was two weeks ago, last week we texted all the week normally and talked on the phone a few times. She told me that wee could see each other last sunday and I agreed, she told me me would confirm if she could hang out with me. So she called me at 7 pm and said: Im tired because of my medical service, I didn´t slept last night so I told her that there was no problem and that we could hang out when she has her two vacations which begin next week, so then she started getting mad at me and started crying because I don´t call her that often, she also told me that she was offended because I didn't insisted in seeing her this day and I told her that why would I insist if she is telling me that we will not see each other because she is tired, she wanted me to beg her. Then she told me that because I told her that we would see when she had vacations that meant that i don't wanted to see her before. She misinterpreted everything, it was frustrating. Were are not a couple, she made it clear she doesn't want anything serious with me till december when she finishes school but said that she wants to keep hanging out with me and wants us to keep knowing each other, and she wants me to do thins a boyfriend does, like calling all the time,etc but she doesn't want commitment, it is not fair. I always call her two times a week and we text during the day, she ended up hanging the phone to me saying that she didn´t wanted to talk about it anymore until the next day. The next day I sent her some flowers and she texted me in the night thanking me for them and saying that it was a generous gift and that she didn´t know why I did that. So my goal was to try to call her more and initiate contact more often. The results were not very good, I initiated contact ten times this week, I called her 4 times and 6 were through text. She only initiated contact the day I didn´t called her or texted her on purpose which was on Thursday. So my theory was right, when I started to contacted her more often she contacts me less. I told her that if she would like to go to a concert on her vacations and she told me that she would confirm. Then I told her that if we could meet on saturday and she told me that she had a friend´s birthday. Yesterday I called her to see how she was and she had no medical service yesterday and she didn't even mentioned to see me. She is taking me for granted and is not as sweet as before. I don't understand anything. Im thinking in backing off and see if she contacts me. She broke up 6 months ago from a 3.5 year old relationship with a guy that was a jerk and treated her very bad, and on top of this she wants to go to study to USA or Europe in a year, I don't want to invest myself in a long distance relationship. Any tips?. thanks!! Edited July 12, 2015 by rov
katiegrl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Her ex boyfriend may have been an abusive jerk, but along with those qualities he was also probably a dominating, possessive, smothering control freak who overwhelmed her with attention (as emotional abuse, possessiveness and control go hand in hand)......and THAT is what she is used to, and what she expects (while at the same time HATING it and being turned off by it).... otherwise she won't believe a man cares about her! In this case YOU! In short, she has issues relating to her abusive past, so be aware of that if you choose to go forward with her. Edited July 12, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Author rov Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Her ex boyfriend may have been an abusive jerk, but along with those qualities he was also probably a dominating, possessive, smothering control freak who overwhelmed her with attention (as emotional abuse, possessiveness and control go hand in hand)......and THAT is what she is used to, and what she expects..... otherwise she won't believe a man cares about her! In this case YOU! In short, she has issues relating to her abusive past, so be aware of that if you choose to go forward with her. So you are saying that because the other guy called her all day long and tried to control her in a possessive way she now thinks that someone doesn´t care about her unless he calls her all day and try to posses her and abuse her as her ex did?. It sounds right So what would i do now, back off and see how she responds?
katiegrl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Her ex boyfriend may have been an abusive jerk, but along with those qualities he was also probably a dominating, possessive, smothering control freak who overwhelmed her with attention (as emotional abuse, possessiveness and control go hand in hand)......and THAT is what she is used to, and what she expects (while at the same time HATING it and being turned off by it).... otherwise she won't believe a man cares about her! In this case YOU! In short, she has issues relating to her abusive past, so be aware of that if you choose to go forward with her. ^^To add: Ask yourself why she (or any woman) would choose to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man for 3.5 years! And here you come, treating her well, and she starts ignoring you, pushing you out, turned off. What does that tell you? Dude, walk away from this.
Author rov Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) ^^To add: Ask yourself why she (or any woman) would choose to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man for 3.5 years! And here you come, treating her well, and she starts ignoring you, pushing you out, turned off. What does that tell you? Dude, walk away from this. What intrigues is that if this change of attitude in her was provoked because I didn't call her as often as she wanted or it was provoked because she is very emotionally abused?. I mean, I called her two times a week and we texted a lot during the day, I initiated contact many times. This week the only time she initiated contact was the day that I didn´t contacted her on purpose. She sent me a voice message throughout whatsapp telling me how was her day, etc. Thanks! Edited July 12, 2015 by rov
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 What intrigues is that if this change of attitude in her was provoked because I didn't call her as often as she wanted or it was provoked because she is very emotionally abused?. I mean, I called her two times a week and we texted a lot during the day, I initiated contact many times. This week the only time she initiated contact was the day that I didn´t contacted her on purpose. She sent me a voice message throughout whatsapp telling me how was her day, etc. Thanks! Wait, she sent you a message when she hadn't heard from you to tell you how HER day was??? That's hilarious. Instead of ask about yours? I don't think your relationship is balanced in terms of interest. Sounds like she likes the attention, ego boost and possibly not ready to date after her previous relationship. You can usually tell what a person's real intentions are for dating when the "purpose" of the initiated contact is right in there. She called to tell you about her day. So she wants the attention from you or has narcissistic tendencies in this relationship. It would have been more normal if not having heard from you, she was wondering how YOUR day was. Sorry. Keep your eyes on on this one. I think with all the roadblocks you mentioned I would seriously considered whether it was truly worth it to keep dating her. Good luck
katiegrl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 What intrigues is that if this change of attitude in her was provoked because I didn't call her as often as she wanted or it was provoked because she is very emotionally abused?. I mean, I called her two times a week and we texted a lot during the day, I initiated contact many times. This week the only time she initiated contact was the day that I didn´t contacted her on purpose. She sent me a voice message throughout whatsapp telling me how was her day, etc. Thanks! Dude, don't try to figure her out..it will only drive you crazy. The woman has got ISSUES.....otherwise she would not have gotten involved and stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3.5 years in the first place. That's a long time, and she has not fully recovered from it yet. And because of that, she has brought her past into the present...and does not know what the hell she wants. I mean think about it. She goes ballistic because you don't give her enough attention, but then when you do, she becomes turned off and pushes you away! Or doesn't trust it. There is no winning with a chick like this! Walk away and look for a woman who has her shyt together. Unless YOU yourself enjoy being emotionally abused.
Author rov Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Wait, she sent you a message when she hadn't heard from you to tell you how HER day was??? That's hilarious. Instead of ask about yours? I don't think your relationship is balanced in terms of interest. Sounds like she likes the attention, ego boost and possibly not ready to date after her previous relationship. You can usually tell what a person's real intentions are for dating when the "purpose" of the initiated contact is right in there. She called to tell you about her day. So she wants the attention from you or has narcissistic tendencies in this relationship. It would have been more normal if not having heard from you, she was wondering how YOUR day was. Sorry. Keep your eyes on on this one. I think with all the roadblocks you mentioned I would seriously considered whether it was truly worth it to keep dating her. Good luck She sent the message telling me how her day was and how busy and complicated her week was in the hospital and she apologized for not being in contact with me as before. And then she told me: Good night sweet dreams. What do you think?.
Author rov Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Dude, don't try to figure her out..it will only drive you crazy. The woman has got ISSUES.....otherwise she would not have gotten involved and stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3.5 years in the first place. That's a long time, and she has not fully recovered from it yet. And because of that, she has brought her past into the present...and does not know what the hell she wants. I mean think about it. She goes ballistic because you don't give her enough attention, but then when you do, she becomes turned off and pushes you away! Or doesn't trust it. There is no winning with a chick like this! Walk away and look for a woman who has her shyt together. Unless YOU yourself enjoy being emotionally abused. She has a very confusing attitude like you say: She blamed me for not calling her enough and then she acts distant and aloof when I changed my attitude and started calling her more often and initiating contact more often. The problem was started because of me not calling that often or because the has issues?. thanks a lot!!
katiegrl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 She sent the message telling me how her day was and how busy and complicated her week was in the hospital and she apologized for not being in contact with me as before. And then she told me: Good night sweet dreams. What do you think?. I think she's got you on one hell of a roller coaster ride....have fun!!!!
katiegrl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) She has a very confusing attitude like you say: She blamed me for not calling her enough and then she acts distant and aloof when I changed my attitude and started calling her more often and initiating contact more often. ***The problem was started because of me not calling that often.... or because the has issues?.*** thanks a lot!! I just told you what I thought. Shall I repeat? Okay. She's got major issues relating to her emotionally abusive past....and you are in a no win situation. And unless you enjoy being emotionally abused yourself (which this is)...I would suggest moving on. Edited July 12, 2015 by katiegrl
Author rov Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 I just told you what I thought. Shall I repeat? Okay. She's got major issues relating to her emotionally abusive past....and you are in a no win situation. And unless you enjoy being emotionally abused yourself (which this is)...I would suggest moving on. I forgot to say that she also said to me that I had no initiative in seeing each other, that she was the one that arranged the last date. Ive seen her 5 times and I arranged 3 dates and she only arranged two. Im starting to think she is a drama queen...
Author rov Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 She called me to tell me she wants to be alone, she is busy with her medical career and that she was no compromise with anyone. I told her why she changed her mind if two weeks a geo she was the one that she told me that she wanted to hang out with me and see where it goes and now she changed her mind and says she wants to be alone, she said she had a very painful breakup with her ex six months ago. any opinions?
joseb Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 She called me to tell me she wants to be alone, she is busy with her medical career and that she was no compromise with anyone. I told her why she changed her mind if two weeks a geo she was the one that she told me that she wanted to hang out with me and see where it goes and now she changed her mind and says she wants to be alone, she said she had a very painful breakup with her ex six months ago. any opinions? Yes - do yourself a favour and find someone who isn't still affected by a recent breakup and who doesn't mess with your emotions.
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 She sent the message telling me how her day was and how busy and complicated her week was in the hospital and she apologized for not being in contact with me as before. And then she told me: Good night sweet dreams. What do you think?. not as bad as the way you originally worded it which made it seem that she was self-centered and a narcissist. Keep your eyes open for these tendencies in her. I'm not sure if she is just in it for the attention and little concern for you in reality. Keep posting details.
Author rov Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Do you think this would have have happened if I didn't asked her to be my girlfriend after a month and a half of dating and instead I ve should keep have kept it casual until she brought the topic of relationship to the table. That night, after I told her to be my girlfriend she told me that she couldn't be my girlfriend right now because has a very busy schedule with medical school , she goes from 5 am to 8 pm daily and every fourth day she has to sleep in the hospital but that we can keep knowing each other till she finishes school in december and I agreed with this but now in a matter of a week she changed her mind and says she wants to be alone because she doesn't want any relationship or commitment and I told her that why she changed her mind so quickly and told me that I was pursuing a relationship because the last day I saw I had already asked her to be my girlfriend and I told her why she changed her mind if we had already agreed to take things slow and keep hanging out casual. So you think she was justing using me as a band aid for her past relationship?. Im impressed how easily changes her mind. So you also think she will come back again :S?
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Do you think this would have have happened if I didn't asked her to be my girlfriend after a month and a half of dating and instead I ve should keep have kept it casual until she brought the topic of relationship to the table. That night, after I told her to be my girlfriend she told me that she couldn't be my girlfriend right now because has a very busy schedule with medical school , she goes from 5 am to 8 pm daily and every fourth day she has to sleep in the hospital but that we can keep knowing each other till she finishes school in december and I agreed with this but now in a matter of a week she changed her mind and says she wants to be alone because she doesn't want any relationship or commitment and I told her that why she changed her mind so quickly and told me that I was pursuing a relationship because the last day I saw I had already asked her to be my girlfriend and I told her why she changed her mind if we had already agreed to take things slow and keep hanging out casual. So you think she was justing using me as a band aid for her past relationship?. Im impressed how easily changes her mind. So you also think she will come back again :S? I wish i could speculate on the answer to all of this to help you get peace of mind. It sounds like you've broken up now? The over-riding issue seems to be the fact that she has no time to date. You may have been too agreeable, too much of a doormat given her level of reciprocal interest. Sounds like she agreed to something verbally but didn't "really" mean it--her actions didn't back it up to begin with. Wrong person, bad timing, possibly not over her previous relationship--hard to tell which if any was dominant factor or if it was a combination. I think when people are "talked into" a relationship for a short while, like you guys did, there is a band aid element to it, yes. I think they fall in love with the attention of being adored and up on a pedestal. Realize that you are a good persona and they "should" be in love with you, but unfortunately aren't. I'm just generalizing and these would be the most common scenarios, not necessarily what happened with yours. I have no idea if she will come back again. The best way to deal with this is go on and live your life date other people. Be best you. That way if she hears about you or sees you, you will be at your best confident self. Someone she would want to be with and wonder if she made a mistake. The wrong thing to do would be to chase her and give her attention when her behavior is bad and she is not reciprocating. Plus you never know if she never comes back, you will have wasted a lot of time pining over someone who doesn't want you so best to get back out there and find someone else.
Author rov Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) I wish i could speculate on the answer to all of this to help you get peace of mind. It sounds like you've broken up now? The over-riding issue seems to be the fact that she has no time to date. You may have been too agreeable, too much of a doormat given her level of reciprocal interest. Sounds like she agreed to something verbally but didn't "really" mean it--her actions didn't back it up to begin with. Wrong person, bad timing, possibly not over her previous relationship--hard to tell which if any was dominant factor or if it was a combination. I think when people are "talked into" a relationship for a short while, like you guys did, there is a band aid element to it, yes. I think they fall in love with the attention of being adored and up on a pedestal. Realize that you are a good persona and they "should" be in love with you, but unfortunately aren't. I'm just generalizing and these would be the most common scenarios, not necessarily what happened with yours. I have no idea if she will come back again. The best way to deal with this is go on and live your life date other people. Be best you. That way if she hears about you or sees you, you will be at your best confident self. Someone she would want to be with and wonder if she made a mistake. The wrong thing to do would be to chase her and give her attention when her behavior is bad and she is not reciprocating. Plus you never know if she never comes back, you will have wasted a lot of time pining over someone who doesn't want you so best to get back out there and find someone else. Exactly, it can be the fact that she broke up 7 months ago from her previous 3.5 year relationship, she has fear to get hurt again combined with the fact that she liked the attention I gave her. She is also emotionally unstable, she said that to me. She said that she is an emotional roller coaster and that sometimes she doesn´t understand herself. She wanted to keep things casual with me and date for 6 months till she finished her medical career and then she would became my girlfriend, that was the last day I saw her and she kissed me and hugged me all the time when she told me this. That is what she wanted two weeks ago but in less than a week she changed up her mind and said that she her wants freedom and doesn't want to date anyone including me now. That caught me off guard and left me wondering what the hell happened. Any tips?. thanks for your help! Edited July 14, 2015 by rov
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Exactly, it can be the fact that she broke up 7 months ago from her previous 3.5 year relationship, she has fear to get hurt again. She is also emotionally unstable, she said that to me. She said that she is an emotional roller coaster and that sometimes she doesn´t understand herself. She wanted to keep things casual with me and date for 6 months till she finished her medical career and then she would became my girlfriend, that was the last day I saw her and she kissed me and hugged me all the time when she told me this. That is what she wanted two weeks ago but in less than a week she changed up her mind and said that she her wants freedom and doesn't want to date anyone including me now. That caught me off guard and left me wondering what the hell happened. Any tips?. thanks for your help! well i wouldn't focus on "fear of getting hurt again". That is going to keep you locked into this dead-end (for now) relationship. You will think and try to convince her that you won't hurt her. Of course, you won't. I think that is just something people say when they don't want to be in the relationship and can't find enough gumption or reasons TO be in the relationship. If someone says they don't want to date you/right now, you just have to take them at their word and NOT hold on. That is the only real tip I have. Don't try to figure her out or solve it. Focus on yourself. When someone pulls the plug on the relationship like that, they will be one to ask you back if they change their minds. You don't have to do anything and SHOULD NOT do anything--except get on with your life. Unfortunately, because it's obvious you care about her, you just have to let this go. Who knows it could be best blessing in disguise? This could be what leads you to the "right" person for you. You just have to believe that. 1
Author rov Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 I was thinking in telling her that we could meet for a coffee to talk things as they are. But I don't know if this is a good idea. any tips?
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I was thinking in telling her that we could meet for a coffee to talk things as they are. But I don't know if this is a good idea. any tips? um, yeah, don't do that. based on what her position is now, you will get nowhere by being clingy. There is nothing to talk about. Your best bet is to move on. If by the smallest margin there is a chance, she will not believe you have and begin to see you as an equal in a new light. Right now she is not respecting you as bf material. You don't show her you are by holding on tighter. You go on and live your life as if she was not as important as you made her believe, that "MAY" equalize things. But as far as you can take action "with" her, there is nothing to do. Sorry.
Author rov Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 um, yeah, don't do that. based on what her position is now, you will get nowhere by being clingy. There is nothing to talk about. Your best bet is to move on. If by the smallest margin there is a chance, she will not believe you have and begin to see you as an equal in a new light. Right now she is not respecting you as bf material. You don't show her you are by holding on tighter. You go on and live your life as if she was not as important as you made her believe, that "MAY" equalize things. But as far as you can take action "with" her, there is nothing to do. Sorry. Exactly, I don't want to start looking clingy and needy, I will get nowhere and she will lose respect for me, and if there is a small chance of reconciliation Ill burn them with clingy and needy attitude. right?. last thing I sent her was a song I composed for her some weeks ago and I told her. Well, if one day you one to hang out with me, you know where to find me. what do you think?. thanks
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Exactly, I don't want to start looking clingy and needy, I will get nowhere and she will lose respect for me, and if there is a small chance of reconciliation Ill burn them with clingy and needy attitude. right?. last thing I sent her was a song I composed for her some weeks ago and I told her. Well, if one day you one to hang out with me, you know where to find me. what do you think?. thanks doormat behavior. you don't want her to think you will be there whenever she decides to come back. basically with your actions you show her you won't always be there. That's what gets you out of limbo with a person that has you half-in/half-out of their life. So no more of this. No contact.
Author rov Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 doormat behavior. you don't want her to think you will be there whenever she decides to come back. basically with your actions you show her you won't always be there. That's what gets you out of limbo with a person that has you half-in/half-out of their life. So no more of this. No contact. I was about to text her a few hours ago and tell her that if we could meet for coffee to talk and I was thinking in telling her that we could hang out casual with no commitment and pressure but now that you said all this I think it is the worst thing I can do, Ill push her even further away and reduce the chances from her to contact me to zero. Am i right?. So you suggest no contact from now on?. 1
Author rov Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 doormat behavior. you don't want her to think you will be there whenever she decides to come back. basically with your actions you show her you won't always be there. That's what gets you out of limbo with a person that has you half-in/half-out of their life. So no more of this. No contact. I don´t want to live on false hopes but do you think she will contact me one day?. I ve met her 4 months ago and we dated for about a month and a half?.
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