maysj18 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 My boyfriend and i have been together for about 6 months. At the start of our relationship i found out he was watching a lot of porn. I told him it didn't really make me feel that great about myself and it hurt me. He said it was a mistake and he wouldn't do it again. I never really believed him but just tried to get over it. Anyway the other night I was feeling a bit suspicious and looked on the computer, he had left his email open and there were two msgs sent from different porn sites. I opened one of them and it read something like "Thanks for registering with us (his full name)" It had credit card details the number etc and a login user name and password for him to use. I confronted him about it and he said i was being stupid it was just spam and he did not own a credit card. Now can porn sites do this? find your full name, email and fake credit card details?? Is it spam or am i just being played for a sucker. Just being lied to is what is upsetting me the most.... Any comments would be appreciated I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. I am different from most people in that I consider porn use within a relationship to be borderline cheating. Your feelings on the matter are perfectly legitimate and him continuing to do so behind your back isn't a good sign. It might be time to re-evaluate your relationship with him. It's very important to remain true to yourself as well- if you have a problem with him watching porn, don't let him or anyone else sway you. Just be rational and mature and talk through your feelings. If it continues to happen, he just isn't right for you. Best of luck! 2
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this. I am different from most people in that I consider porn use within a relationship to be borderline cheating. Your feelings on the matter are perfectly legitimate and him continuing to do so behind your back isn't a good sign. It might be time to re-evaluate your relationship with him. It's very important to remain true to yourself as well- if you have a problem with him watching porn, don't let him or anyone else sway you. Just be rational and mature and talk through your feelings. If it continues to happen, he just isn't right for you. Best of luck! May I ask why you feel that way?
Lois_Griffin Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'd be more offended he was dumb enough to pay for porn when there's so much free stuff out there, rather than the fact he was watching it at all. =/ That's what I was going to say. There's SO much free stuff out there - that covers just about every single kink known to man - that I can't imagine anyone PAYING for it. What exactly ARE these sites that he was stupid enough to pay to join? I'm wondering if they're not porn sites but hookup sites where you have a profile, like AdultFriendFinder or one of the many OTHER hookup sites that you DO have to pay to join. But the hookup sites allow you to find other people who are looking to hook up, based on your sexual interests. It's not porn that you watch. OP, are these actual porn sites, or something along the lines of a hookup site he paid to have a profile on?
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 That's what I was going to say. There's SO much free stuff out there - that covers just about every single kink known to man - that I can't imagine anyone PAYING for it. What exactly ARE these sites that he was stupid enough to pay to join? I'm wondering if they're not porn sites but hookup sites where you have a profile, like AdultFriendFinder or one of the many OTHER hookup sites that you DO have to pay to join. But the hookup sites allow you to find other people who are looking to hook up, based on your sexual interests. It's not porn that you watch. OP, are these actual porn sites, or something along the lines of a hookup site he paid to have a profile on? Well, if he is paying to hook up with other women, I think they are welcome to him, as he seems useless in the bedroom anyway. 3
maysj18 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 May I ask why you feel that way? Of course. I feel it's cheating because you're making a conscious decision to use someone else to fulfill a sexual desire. Now, I'm not stupid enough to think that my boyfriend doesn't look at other women here and there, but a subconscious glance is entirely different than choosing to get off to some hot chick (or whatever you prefer) that you essentially just "picked out" of a lineup. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against solo sessions in the least bit- I just want him to come to me with requests for supplemental material. I'm well aware of all of the arguments for the use of porn, but it doesn't change how I feel about it. Too many people dismiss their feelings because they're told they're just being insecure or naive. No. It has nothing to do with insecurities or dependence. I mean, if so many people feel similar about this issue, then maybe there's something to it. I'm speaking strictly about what I expect in my relationship, by the way. There are plenty of couples that watch porn together and that's fine. It's just different for me. I've only ever had 2 serious relationships and I was always up front from the beginning. Both completely respect/respected my feelings and it was never a problem. I also always made it clear I would respect them in the same capacity (I'm well aware women can walk that fine line too). 1
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Of course. I feel it's cheating because you're making a conscious decision to use someone else to fulfill a sexual desire. Now, I'm not stupid enough to think that my boyfriend doesn't look at other women here and there, but a subconscious glance is entirely different than choosing to get off to some hot chick (or whatever you prefer) that you essentially just "picked out" of a lineup. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against solo sessions in the least bit- I just want him to come to me with requests for supplemental material. I'm well aware of all of the arguments for the use of porn, but it doesn't change how I feel about it. Too many people dismiss their feelings because they're told they're just being insecure or naive. No. It has nothing to do with insecurities or dependence. I mean, if so many people feel similar about this issue, then maybe there's something to it. I'm speaking strictly about what I expect in my relationship, by the way. There are plenty of couples that watch porn together and that's fine. It's just different for me. I've only ever had 2 serious relationships and I was always up front from the beginning. Both completely respect/respected my feelings and it was never a problem. I also always made it clear I would respect them in the same capacity (I'm well aware women can walk that fine line too). May I also ask your opinion on " female porn " which one could define as 50 shades or magic Mike, same rules?
maysj18 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 May I also ask your opinion on " female porn " which one could define as 50 shades or magic Mike, same rules? Absolutely- I have no desire to see those movies anyway, but I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to be stoked on the idea. I would feel bad just asking probably.
Tolu2d Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I did the same thing. Had a slight porn addiction. Cut him some slack.
kismetkismet Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Keenly - 50 shades and magic mike are hardly porn! haha. They're sexual, but it doesn't qualify as porn.. It's not like she said that she would restrict her boyfriend from watching any movie with a sexual plot line, "female porn" is just porn. I think we probably agree on whether or not porn is 'ok' i'm just sayin - false analogy and it seems almost patronizing (though I know you didn't mean it that way) to call either of those things porn haha. I personally wouldn't ask my boyfriend not to watch porn because I'm an avid and enthusiastic porn consumer myself. I actually watch more porn than most of the guys I have dated well enough to know how much porn they watch. The porn I watch has literally nothing to do with my emotional and sexual feelings for my boyfriends which I think is probably why it's easier for me to understand why they watch it. It's strictly visual sexual stimulation.. I don't even imagine myself as a part of the sitaution It seems like the issue here though isn't just the porn. It's the fact that he is an avid porn consumer, but doesn't seem to really enjoy actual sex. THAT is definitely a problem. I watch a lot of porn, but never would if it were going to interfere with my real sex life - I just have a very big sexual appetite and don't like sleeping around, and/or can't see the person i'm dating every day. It seems like he uses porn INSTEAD of sex.. the fact that he is both selfish and disinterested are pretty good indicators of that. That and the lying are problems.. Have you asked him why he hasn't had any serious relationships at that age? He may have difficulty with intimacy or something.. 1
wb1988 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 For starters, free porn is not the same as premium porn. All of you guys that say "why pay for something that's free" or "people that pay for porn are stupid" are just as bigoted as the people that listen to music via youtube rather than just buying it on iTunes. I personally haven't paid for porn in many years but I remember the last time I did the quality was good enough to jump start my porn addiction. Women should realise that a guy wacking off to porn is actually a good thing; it prevents us from cheating. There are guys that go quite a long time without sex, but keep things together because of porn. I'm sure that all of the guys that become terrorists only do so because they haven't busted a nut in so long that they will believe anything that promises a 66 virgins (or whatever the number is). He is lying because you made him sad and ashamed of something that he really shouldn't feel bad about. OP to me you sound like a controlling woman. May I also ask your opinion on " female porn " which one could define as 50 shades or magic Mike, same rules? I've seen some of the real female porn. It's when the guy says "baby I love you, here's a Prada bag".
empresario Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Porn addiction is a real thing. Even if you aren't addicted, there are countless, irrefutable studies of the damaging effects it has on the male brain over time. That paragraph was for the guy before me that called it healthy. Because in all fairness, controlling your basic instincts isn't really that hard. And you know what's easier? Working on your relationship to get what you want out of it. No covert contracts, no cheating. Any who, I've never gotten an email like that. At least not since the early 00's. But it is possible. I doubt any reputable (even for porn) site would put credit card information in the email. If he did actually buy something, at least urge him to check his bank account. Now, onto the real issue. You have said this offends you, and he may have chosen to do it anyways. That's a whole different issue. The point is he said he doesn't look at the porn but you think he may. It all boils down to one question. Can you trust him? If not, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with him anyways. Don't get me wrong, we are a pretty smart community...but lie detectors we are not. But trust is pivotal to a healthy relationship. 4
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Now, onto the real issue. You have said this offends you, and he may have chosen to do it anyways. That's a whole different issue. The point is he said he doesn't look at the porn but you think he may. The real issue is #7 When it comes to our sex life well lets just say from the get go it has not been good. He has never been able to "finish". Has even said things during sex like "I'm not into it". He has also been very selfish, not interested in pleasing me just all about himself. This has really given my self esteem a battering..... I feel like the ugliest woman on earth or something. I feel porn has made him very selfish sexually and he can't be with a actual person. It makes me sad because i do love him but should i just move on if we are not compatible sexually? 3
empresario Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 The real issue is #7 [/url] Thanks for pointing that out! Yes, total porn addiction. Read up on 'rebooting' and 'porn induced erectile dysfunction'. Keep in mind not all dysfunction is 'getting it hard'. Not finishing is a classic sign of P.I.E.D. 7
kismetkismet Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 For starters, free porn is not the same as premium porn. All of you guys that say "why pay for something that's free" or "people that pay for porn are stupid" are just as bigoted as the people that listen to music via youtube rather than just buying it on iTunes. I personally haven't paid for porn in many years but I remember the last time I did the quality was good enough to jump start my porn addiction. Women should realise that a guy wacking off to porn is actually a good thing; it prevents us from cheating. There are guys that go quite a long time without sex, but keep things together because of porn. I'm sure that all of the guys that become terrorists only do so because they haven't busted a nut in so long that they will believe anything that promises a 66 virgins (or whatever the number is). He is lying because you made him sad and ashamed of something that he really shouldn't feel bad about. OP to me you sound like a controlling woman. I've seen some of the real female porn. It's when the guy says "baby I love you, here's a Prada bag". Well aren't you a nauseating human being. I agree with you that porn can be fine in a relationship (read my other comment above), but everything else you said is just straight up ignorant. Real female porn is PORN. We are sexual human beings, not all just a bunch of shallow materialistic *******s that only care whether YOU love us or if we have expensive bags. Also please don't reduce the centuries old religious and political turmoil in the middle east to needing to get laid. AND don't reduce cheating to being something that happens against your will simply because you're not getting laid enough. The world is more complicated than the sexual needs of white men 2
joseb Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I personally haven't paid for porn in many years but I remember the last time I did the quality was good enough to jump start my porn addiction. So tell me again why paying for it is NOT stupid? You make the case pretty well that it is. 3
wb1988 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 So tell me again why paying for it is NOT stupid? You make the case pretty well that it is. You know that premium porn is better quality right?
kismetkismet Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I am a feminist but I don't hate men... I date men and love them. I'm also a kinky pervert and watch a lot of porn myself. You simply don't understand the fact that the world is more complicated than your small world and sexual needs. Just because you're a racist misogynist doesn't mean I'm a man hater - I AM a people-like-you hater however. 2
lollipopspot Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Also my prada bag comment was a joke jeez, feminist much? It's a "joke" one just rolls their eyes at. I think you've been watching too many Kardashian or Sex in the City reruns. I don't even know anyone who wants a Prada bag or would really want their partner to buy one for them. It's a trivial comment on upper class 50s gender relationships. Not my thing. 2
kismetkismet Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 There is nothing a nut busting can't solve. How can you NOT realize how ignorant this is hahha.... that situation is the result of centuries of political and cultural turmoil that is endlessly complicated. That's not going to go away by watching a porno. and yes it's a joke.. but not a funny one. It's also pretty dim to assume that we don't have sexual needs and just trade in sex for love and handbags. 1
preraph Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 He's lying. And if you let it slide, he'll just keep lying. Back up your words with actions. Like start dating other people. 3
joseb Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 You know that premium porn is better quality right? I think you missed my point. This premium porn got you on to porn addiction. Well if you are happy being a porn addict, with all that entails, then I guess it's not stupid to pay. Most people would not take that view. 2
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 OP, sorry that you're being put through this. I've experienced this myself - which was the second of three reasons that I divorced my ex-h; it was THE best decision I have ever made in my life. NO ONE should be forced to live in a perverted, disrespectful and pornographic environment within their relationship! I'm going to write something that you're not going to like, but it is 100% true: Your bf will NEVER EVER ever stop using porn. He'll just find better ways of hiding it from you and manipulating you with it by calling you 'insecure', 'jealous' and 'controlling'. Your best bet at this point would be for you to END this toxic and DISRESPECTFUL relationship with this guy. There's nothing wrong with a guy masturbating using ONLY his THOUGHTS to get himself to orgasm. But a lot of men use the ol' excuse that masturbating with their thoughts only "takes too long" and it doesn't facilitate the 'process' of getting an erection and having orgasms 'fast enough'. Please. That's just a pathetic excuse that guys use so they can perv and ogle other womens' naked bodies instead of only wanting to view and lust after YOURS. Now, if the woman in the relationship does NOT mind her bf's perverted behavior of beating off to porn, then THAT'S different. BUT, if the woman within the relationship OBJECTS to her bf using pornography and the guy lies about it and uses it behind her back, then THAT *is* an issue. If a man considers jacking off to porn MORE important than the loving, caring and RESPECTFUL intimate relationship that he has with his gf - who is a LIVE, WARM, BREATHING and sexually RESPONSIVE human being - then he has serious psychological/sexual issues that are probably irreversible. IMO, the OP's boyfriend is such an individual. And, as Empresario has insightfully pointed out, it's really NOT that difficult for people to control their sexual urges. Seriously. It's just that those people DON'T WANT TO control themselves. 50 shades and magic mike are hardly porn! haha. They're sexual, but it doesn't qualify as porn. This is an accurate statement. R-rated movies such as Magic Mike and Fifty Shades of Grey, romance novels and erotica do NOT show x-rated content which consists of one or more people being completely naked and performing sex acts that always include penetration. It always makes me laugh when guys (or some women) compare the hardcore porn that a lot of men watch to erotica or to the r-rated movies that women watch lol. Bottomline OP: You need to END this relationship - post haste... ...unless you're willing to live with (and be in a relationship with) a guy who chooses NOT to control his sexual urges and instead chooses to experience sexual arousal and orgasms with anything and any medium OTHER THAN you; and who continuously disrespects your boundaries WHILE he systematically gaslights you and manipulates you into believing that it's YOU who has the problem and not him. Good luck and God Bless; you're gonna need it. . 2
preraph Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I want to make the point that however you feel about porn, being lied to should be a dealbreaker. 3
Eighty_nine Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 OP, sorry that you're being put through this. I've experienced this myself - which was the second of three reasons that I divorced my ex-h; it was THE best decision I have ever made in my life. NO ONE should be forced to live in a perverted, disrespectful and pornographic environment within their relationship! I'm going to write something that you're not going to like, but it is 100% true: Your bf will NEVER EVER ever stop using porn. He'll just find better ways of hiding it from you and manipulating you with it by calling you 'insecure', 'jealous' and 'controlling'. Your best bet at this point would be for you to END this toxic and DISRESPECTFUL relationship with this guy. There's nothing wrong with a guy masturbating using ONLY his THOUGHTS to get himself to orgasm. But a lot of men use the ol' excuse that masturbating with their thoughts only "takes too long" and it doesn't facilitate the 'process' of getting an erection and having orgasms 'fast enough'. Please. That's just a pathetic excuse that guys use so they can perv and ogle other womens' naked bodies instead of only wanting to view and lust after YOURS. Now, if the woman in the relationship does NOT mind her bf's perverted behavior of beating off to porn, then THAT'S different. BUT, if the woman within the relationship OBJECTS to her bf using pornography and the guy lies about it and uses it behind her back, then THAT *is* an issue. If a man considers jacking off to porn MORE important than the loving, caring and RESPECTFUL intimate relationship that he has with his gf - who is a LIVE, WARM, BREATHING and sexually RESPONSIVE human being - then he has serious psychological/sexual issues that are probably irreversible. IMO, the OP's boyfriend is such an individual. And, as Empresario has insightfully pointed out, it's really NOT that difficult for people to control their sexual urges. Seriously. It's just that those people DON'T WANT TO This is an accurate statement. R-rated movies such as Magic Mike and Fifty Shades of Grey, romance novels and erotica do NOT show x-rated content which consists of one or more people being completely naked and performing sex acts that always include penetration. It always makes me laugh when guys (or some women) compare the hardcore porn that a lot of men watch to erotica or to the r-rated movies that women watch lol. Bottomline OP: You need to END this relationship - post haste... ...unless you're willing to live with (and be in a relationship with) a guy who chooses NOT to control his sexual urges and instead chooses to experience sexual arousal and orgasms with anything and any medium OTHER THAN you; and who continuously disrespects your boundaries WHILE he systematically gaslights you and manipulates you into believing that it's YOU who has the problem and not him. Good luck and God Bless; you're gonna need it. . Watching porn is perverted? Insert huge eye roll here. There is nothing wrong with watching porn. If you think so, you are too insecure to be in a relationship. 1
Author misty15 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 "He is lying because you made him sad and ashamed of something that he really shouldn't feel bad about. OP to me you sound like a controlling woman." Thank you everyone for commenting. No I am am far from a controlling woman. In my past relationships I have never had a issue with my partner going out to bars or parties with their mates without me because i have trusted them. Thinking about it, if anyone is controlling he is, after the first month of dating he asked me numerous times to dye my blonde hair brown as "he likes brunettes" and asked me to stop wearing makeup! I dont understand most of the porn women he's jerking it to are probably wearing makeup ?? This isn't controlling but it bothers me, if we are somewhere together and he see's a remotely attractive young woman/girl he will say to me "God would you check out that hot babe" like I am one of his drinking buddies! Geez i look at other guys but i don't say what I am thinking! It's the terrible performance with me in the bedroom that is bothering me. I feel unattractive with him. Not to sound crude but he at times has asked for a blow job which I am always willing to do but it will often end with him pushing my head out of the way and finishing off himself! I've never had that in my life and i have had numerous sexual partners. And he has never once gone down on me! Like other people have posted some guys may be able to watch porn and have a great sexual relationship with their partner but i think porn and the fact he has never had a girlfriend has effected him....i think its a lost cause though it breaks my heart to say this...He says he loves me but i don't think I will ever be what he really wants...
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