misty15 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 My boyfriend and i have been together for about 6 months. At the start of our relationship i found out he was watching a lot of porn. I told him it didn't really make me feel that great about myself and it hurt me. He said it was a mistake and he wouldn't do it again. I never really believed him but just tried to get over it. Anyway the other night I was feeling a bit suspicious and looked on the computer, he had left his email open and there were two msgs sent from different porn sites. I opened one of them and it read something like "Thanks for registering with us (his full name)" It had credit card details the number etc and a login user name and password for him to use. I confronted him about it and he said i was being stupid it was just spam and he did not own a credit card. Now can porn sites do this? find your full name, email and fake credit card details?? Is it spam or am i just being played for a sucker. Just being lied to is what is upsetting me the most.... Any comments would be appreciated
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I have to say, no. I've never had a spam email saying I've registered with their site. Sounds to me like at the start of the relationship when things were new, his knee jerk response to you saying you weren't okay with the porn was to say he wouldn't watch it anymore. But as time has gone on, he has realised he does want to watch porn and instead of being honest, is lying to you. The lying is a big issue, I would struggle to trust someone who can't just simply say 'yeah, I decided to watch it'. It's not for me to tell you to be okay with porn or not, the issue is whether or not you can stomach him lying to you about it. 7
Dreamworld Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Hi misty, I am sorry you are going through this. This seems to be a humongous issue universally. There are tons of threads on this just here on LS. I am a woman who watches porn and no, I don't think it is spam. I believe it is because he registered but he reacted that way because he knew you would not be ok with it. He may just get better at hiding his porn activities from now on. For me, watching porn and loving/having sex with my guy are two different things, if that makes you feel any better. I just get really turned on by watching the act of sex, it has nothing to do with my guy or comparing some porn star to my guy ( strangely i get turned on by watching the women in the porn, does not mean i am interested in the woman at all). This is why I tend to be ok with guys watching porn because I dont equate it to anything having to do with me if that makes any sense. However I would have an issue if my guy lies about it, and/or worse, if his porn use becomes to the point where he has trouble performing with me. Like he is so busy jerking off to it he loses the desire to have sex with me. That would not be ok with me. I hope this is not a problem with you guys and I hope it won't become a problem later on in the relationship. But yes the lying is a big issue, but if your sex life has not been affected at all, would it be difficult for you to be ok with it? I am just trying to offer a different perspective in that the porn may not have anything to with you so you dont have to feel too bad about it? If not, I understand how you feel, as I have seen relationships deterioriate because of this. Whatever the case, if things continue in this fashion you are going to be so stressed so I hope you can communicate with your bf and find a peaceful agreement. Again the lying def is a big issue. 3
ScotchBeef Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 If the credit card details were fake, then I see no reason how sites couldn't use that sort of spam. I mean come on, who actually pays for porn these days? Honestly though, he almost definately is using porn whether it's the sites listed in the email or not. You should come out and have a proper discussion about it with him. That's not to say he will ever stop, but it's better than snooping around his computer. 1
Villainous Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Women have romance novels, chick flicks, 50 shades, etc. Men have porn. You're making too big of a deal out of it. 4
LoveRefreshed Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Misty, As a man, and an avid porn watcher myself, I can say a few things. Let's address the porn issue. His masturbations habits are private and his. It's a tool used for sexual gratification like many women I have dated have kept vibrators, or if I want to ram a prostate massager.. wait. Even after 5 years in a LTR, I still have the urge to crank one out solo style. I don't know why. However, I have read enough to know that porn can be problematic in a few ways. Some men are addicted and take it to a whole new level. It causes some men to not be interested in real sex as porn is completely unrealistic fantasy. Finally, if it takes a toll on your personal sex life, then it is indeed a problem. The real issue is the lying. First, how do I know he's lying? Well, because in my entire life, since the 2000, every single bank account I have had has given me a debit card. This debit card is also a check card and managed by visa. They can be used in online purchases like a credit card and deduct right from the bank account. I would not believe his story about not having access. The questions you need to ask yourself are: Is it interfering with your two's physical relationship? if not, I don't think you should be upset about the porn. He probably lied because he doesn't want to give it up, but doesn't want to hurt you and tell you that you won't be getting your way. If you feel it isn't a problem to your relationship and just feelings of jealousy (it's not like he'll ever **** a porn star) then you need to re-evaluate your expectations, IMO. If you can manage to, then tell him to just not lie to you. If you can not, leave, because a porn watcher is a porn watcher. I started when I was 12 years old. By 14 I had a bot server on IRC (Internet relay chat) that automatically collected porn before the days of awesome streaming websites. I hid all of this from my sisters, my dad, mother, and step dad. We are used to hiding it and he probably won't change that. 3
Author misty15 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 I guess i should have gone into detail a little more about our relationship to make it clearer why i am upset with the porn. Firstly he has never had a girlfriend in his life before me, just a couple of one night stands. He admitted that he had pretty much watched porn everyday since he was 14. I am a bit older than him at 31 he is 27. However i have had an 8 year relationship in the past and a few other boyfriends and never had this issue before, always had a great sex life. When it comes to our sex life well lets just say from the get go it has not been good. He has never been able to "finish". Has even said things during sex like "I'm not into it". He has also been very selfish, not interested in pleasing me just all about himself. This has really given my self esteem a battering..... I feel like the ugliest woman on earth or something. I feel porn has made him very selfish sexually and he can't be with a actual person. It makes me sad because i do love him but should i just move on if we are not compatible sexually? 2
SycamoreCircle Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I guess i should have gone into detail a little more about our relationship to make it clearer why i am upset with the porn. Firstly he has never had a girlfriend in his life before me, just a couple of one night stands. He admitted that he had pretty much watched porn everyday since he was 14. I am a bit older than him at 31 he is 27. However i have had an 8 year relationship in the past and a few other boyfriends and never had this issue before, always had a great sex life. When it comes to our sex life well lets just say from the get go it has not been good. He has never been able to "finish". Has even said things during sex like "I'm not into it". He has also been very selfish, not interested in pleasing me just all about himself. This has really given my self esteem a battering..... I feel like the ugliest woman on earth or something. I feel porn has made him very selfish sexually and he can't be with a actual person. It makes me sad because i do love him but should i just move on if we are not compatible sexually?I think you should repeat this to your boyfriend. If he doesn't make changes, then maybe it would be best for you to make a change. 3
gaius Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I'd be more offended he was dumb enough to pay for porn when there's so much free stuff out there, rather than the fact he was watching it at all. =/ 3
joseb Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I would be more worried by the bad sex life and his inability to finish and saying he isn't in to it. I think this makes it more likely he has a porn addiction For some guys, especially ones using Porn from a young age, real life is a problem And I do agree with others. With so much free porn why is he paying for it? What is he into that requires payment and isn't available for free. I think you should cut your loses unless he is willing to try cold turkey (no porn) 3
babycakees Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I'd be more offended he was dumb enough to pay for porn when there's so much free stuff out there, rather than the fact he was watching it at all. =/ DING! Me too. Why pay for porn? Such a waste of money when it's all over the internet for free. 1
fizzylifting Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 If he has really watched porn every day for the past 13 years, then he is probably addicted and he may not be able to stop even if he wants to. Porn (and sex) addiction are not officially considered the same as drugs or gambling, but most therapists put them in the same category. If you don't think you can deal with this, then the relationship may not work out. If you think you want to try to work things out, then you should tell him openly how you feel, but do so without judging him or making him feel threatened. If he feels that you are putting him down or telling him that he has to decide between you or watching porn, then he will start to lie and say he will stop, when he really can't. Tell him that you understand he receives a lot of sexual satisfaction from watching porn, but that you would like to try to satisfy him even more. It may require you to start watching porn with him before or during sex. Find out what he likes, what turns him on, and then embrace that and make the physical interaction with you the highlight, and not the porn. Again, if this sounds disgusting to you and you can't deal with it, then perhaps he really isn't the right guy for you.
Grumpybutfun Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 If he is actually paying for porn, he is a dumbass so dump him. Who pays for porn anymore? Secondly, if he lied to you, he is a liar so dump him. Who is boneless enough to lie about something so inane. You don't like it, you break up...easy...just different expectations. Common denominator.....dump him because you two have little to no communication or trust or respect. Good luck with the next guy, Grumps 3
babycakees Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I just don't see this relationship going anywhere. Their sexual relationship is almost nonexistent and is giving OP self-esteem issues and he's lying to her about the emails. So not only does this guy not enjoy sex with her, but he has no respect for her because he lies to her. 3
IronZ Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Don't take it personally, all guys watch porn. I would find it weird for a woman to tell me how I can or can't spend my personal time. It's my body, I can touch it if I want. So long as the porn doesn't interfere with your sexual life together, then what's the harm? It's just masturbation.
babycakees Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Don't take it personally, all guys watch porn. I would find it weird for a woman to tell me how I can or can't spend my personal time. It's my body, I can touch it if I want. So long as the porn doesn't interfere with your sexual life together, then what's the harm? It's just masturbation. OP said the porn is interfering with their sex life, though. 2
IronZ Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 OP said the porn is interfering with their sex life, though. Then that's a problem and they should deal with it. Can't help you out there. As great as porn is, for me it just doesn't substitute the real thing. Some guys are just different I guess. 1
Qboro90 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I guess i should have gone into detail a little more about our relationship to make it clearer why i am upset with the porn. Firstly he has never had a girlfriend in his life before me, just a couple of one night stands. He admitted that he had pretty much watched porn everyday since he was 14. I am a bit older than him at 31 he is 27. However i have had an 8 year relationship in the past and a few other boyfriends and never had this issue before, always had a great sex life. When it comes to our sex life well lets just say from the get go it has not been good. He has never been able to "finish". Has even said things during sex like "I'm not into it". He has also been very selfish, not interested in pleasing me just all about himself. This has really given my self esteem a battering..... I feel like the ugliest woman on earth or something. I feel porn has made him very selfish sexually and he can't be with a actual person. It makes me sad because i do love him but should i just move on if we are not compatible sexually? You mentioned he has trouble "finishing". This is directly due to how often he masturbates and is something you should bring up with him. "Hey babe, have you ever tried taking a week or 2 off from masturbating? I've read that sometimes that goes a long way and desensitizes you so that sex feels better. ...not trying to embarrass you or anything like that I just want us to be able to have an open line of communication and feel comfortable discussing sex and our sex life with one another." If he is stand off ish or doesn't want to discuss it then you need to make it more serious. Tell him that if he's not willing to at least make an effort to do things to improve your sex life and relationship then you will have to re evaluate your relationship long term. You don't want to be with someone who can't control themselves or at the very least compromise so it's not affecting his partner and performance. If you can't talk about these things with him then long term you guys are doomed so better leave now instead of wasting more time. 2
joseb Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Don't take it personally, all guys watch porn. I would find it weird for a woman to tell me how I can or can't spend my personal time. It's my body, I can touch it if I want. So long as the porn doesn't interfere with your sexual life together, then what's the harm? It's just masturbation. Yes but it does affect their sex life. He tells her he isn't into it, and can't even come for ****s sake. What kind of sex life is that? And because of this she is developing self esteem issues (and I can see how she would). 2
Dreamworld Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I guess i should have gone into detail a little more about our relationship to make it clearer why i am upset with the porn. Firstly he has never had a girlfriend in his life before me, just a couple of one night stands. He admitted that he had pretty much watched porn everyday since he was 14. I am a bit older than him at 31 he is 27. However i have had an 8 year relationship in the past and a few other boyfriends and never had this issue before, always had a great sex life. When it comes to our sex life well lets just say from the get go it has not been good. He has never been able to "finish". Has even said things during sex like "I'm not into it". He has also been very selfish, not interested in pleasing me just all about himself. This has really given my self esteem a battering..... I feel like the ugliest woman on earth or something. I feel porn has made him very selfish sexually and he can't be with a actual person. It makes me sad because i do love him but should i just move on if we are not compatible sexually? Misty again so sorry you are going through this. I went through this just.this. past. weekend for the first time in my life and I couldn't even handle two weeks of it before I called it off. And we werent even in a serious relationship. Again, I could care less if a guy wanked to porn like a dog in heat during his time alone as long as our sex life stays healthy. I do it too, but nothing beats a real life man. Nothing. Like you I never had issues with guys until this guy comes along. He had been out of a miserable marriage for awhile and during this time I think he got accustomed to self pleasuring himself for so long. Like with you, whenever we tried to have sex numerous time over the past two weeks, he could not finish, or he'd lose his erection in the middle of of it ( trust me this made me feel like ****) or he'd say he couldn't concentrate on the sex. Each time we failed. To top it all he was a very introverted guy so he had performance anxiety as well. This is the the worst combination ever. When you masturbate with porn it is just you and only you. You dont have to worry about anything you dont have to worry about pleasing anyone. He just found this method easier for him. As for me, I have been with guys and there are plenty of healthy, sexually able men who can enjoy their porn and enjoy sex without any problems. I was just too bothered and upset to ask him to stop watching it. Even if our sex life did improve as a result of it, I would have been turned off already by having to have needing to ask him to stop. And I know that if our sex life falters even just a little I'll always be wondering , is he back to his habits again? And drive myself crazy. It is just too big of an issue for me. There are plenty of fish in the sea where you dont have to keep trying to reach a compromise on this. If you really want to work on this I hope you can gently communicate to him about laying off the porn and masturbation? If he is not willing to work on it or gets defensive, you are going to be miserable.
madjac74 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 The problem with porn is that guys build up these expectations of how women should please THEM. Im not a preacher. I watch it, my girlfriend knows I do and some times we watch it together or talk about it. But porn can be a serious problem depending on what kind you watch and how often you watch it. Much of it brutalizes women and makes men ultra aggressive because they expect real women to act like porn stars. Many pornstars make taking it in the pooper a really fun time. I have met very few real women who want to take it in the pooper. This can kill some guys fantasy and ruin his mood and make him lose his erection because he had all these porn expectations built up. Anyhoo...I have a feeling this guy is too far into his porn addiction to ever respect your feelings over what he visualizes you doing for him. Leave him. Despite what some people have said, there are guys that dont watch porn or do it in moderation to where they wouldnt let it affect their real relationship. 3
Dreamworld Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I guess i should have gone into detail a little more about our relationship to make it clearer why i am upset with the porn. Firstly he has never had a girlfriend in his life before me, just a couple of one night stands. He admitted that he had pretty much watched porn everyday since he was 14. I am a bit older than him at 31 he is 27. However i have had an 8 year relationship in the past and a few other boyfriends and never had this issue before, always had a great sex life. When it comes to our sex life well lets just say from the get go it has not been good. He has never been able to "finish". Has even said things during sex like "I'm not into it". He has also been very selfish, not interested in pleasing me just all about himself. This has really given my self esteem a battering..... I feel like the ugliest woman on earth or something. I feel porn has made him very selfish sexually and he can't be with a actual person. It makes me sad because i do love him but should i just move on if we are not compatible sexually? I think this problem goes beyond being selfish sexually. The brain seems to reprogram itself in that arousal only happens with the visual porn so the guy's body literally cannot respond to a normal woman. What makes it so scary is that they need harder and harder stimulation for the arousal to occur. With the guy I left recently just a heterosexual man and woman having raunchy sex didnt do it for him anymore. He was into serious BDSM by the time I met him. The last and final time we tried having sex I asked him if we could try watching his porn together. And I have never seen him get so aroused in the total times we tried together than this one little video clip. The last straw was when he still couldn't finish with me. He could only finish off with his hand. When I realized I was crying when I left his apartment I knew this wasnt going to work. Asking him to stop wasnt going to help me. i want to be with a guy where I dont have to make this suggestion in the first place. It really feels awful. i am sure people who have been there know what it feels like. 3
yxalitis Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I stopped watching porn altogether. I felt it was doing exactly as Dreamworld posted, changing the way the brain processes arousal. You become wired to the visual, not the sensitivity of the nerve endings, or the emotional impact of actually having sex. In fact, the sex itself is disappointing..."Oh, she doesn't do anal like that porn star" "Why won't she let me come in her mouth" "Her body isn't super fit" etc etc Whether you stay with him and try and work this out, or you leave him over it, HE has to recognise this is destructive behaviour, and take steps to change. I strongly urge you to suggest a one month break from it... 3
ascendotum Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I have to say, no. I've never had a spam email saying I've registered with their site. Sounds to me like at the start of the relationship when things were new, his knee jerk response to you saying you weren't okay with the porn was to say he wouldn't watch it anymore. But as time has gone on, he has realised he does want to watch porn and instead of being honest, is lying to you. The lying is a big issue, I would struggle to trust someone who can't just simply say 'yeah, I decided to watch it'. It's not for me to tell you to be okay with porn or not, the issue is whether or not you can stomach him lying to you about it. Yeh he has lied, but I don't know if you can say that's part of his inherent nature. He did not set out to dupe her from day one, but lied after he was backed into a corner over his porn use...after she snooped on his PC. Snooping is not exactly noble either. I felt he handled it wrong initially and should have stood up for his actions, rather then say it was just a mistake when he had no intention of stopping. Given that this guy's performance in the bedroom is not all that impressive and his relationship history likewise, I think he is deluding himself that its a not problem. Rather than dig at him over porn making her insecure, I think she should tackle him on his inadequacy from being addicted to porn. Instead of scolding him for viewing porn on the sly, let him know that its making him a disappointment in the bedroom and convince him for the sake of the relationship he should give it up for x months. Hopefully the rejuvination will inspire him to keep off it, but if its been a way of life for 15 or whatever yrs, it will be tough. How much does he want a gf. Some guys can (probably those with high neurotransmitter & hormone levels) can handle porn and a lusty love life, but others cant.
Dreamworld Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Yes but it does affect their sex life. He tells her he isn't into it, and can't even come for ****s sake. What kind of sex life is that? And because of this she is developing self esteem issues (and I can see how she would). It really does affect your self esteem.It makes you feel so inadequate. And this guy is only 27 years old. I remember when I dated guys that were 27, some of them were ready to explode with just as so much as a kiss or a boob grab. I am reading more and more about guys in their 20's, at the height of their sexual prime, having porn induced ED. I don't think it's just a "all guys watch porn just deal with it" thing anymore. I think it's becoming a serious issue. It's making me really sad.
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