NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 If BS and WS decide to try to work it out and make the marriage work, how often does it succeed? Are there mitigating factors like duration/ intensity of the A that portend the success rate? I've never been the BS in an A situation and I think there are some really strong BS out there. I do not know what I would do if I found myself in that situation. Thanks
Susmay Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 If BS and WS decide to try to work it out and make the marriage work, how often does it succeed? Are there mitigating factors like duration/ intensity of the A that portend the success rate? I've never been the BS in an A situation and I think there are some really strong BS out there. I do not know what I would do if I found myself in that situation. Thanks I can't answer your question. I suspect it depends on the characters and personalities of the married couple, how good or successful their marriage is, was and can be in the future, whether they can agree on the ground-rules and boundaries for staying together and reach a new understanding, and various other things to do with the married people themselves and their relationship rather than the "nature" of the affair or character of the OW herself. It's a big start if despite the devastation of a D-day both parties want to stay together and are willing to put into place NC with the AP and stick to it. Many MM don't end up being able to maintain NC with the OW, and these supposed reconciliations are more likely to fail in my opinion. Sadly it takes rather egregious action by the MM in summarily dumping the OW and going NC, which many MM have difficulty doing. Even the most blindsided and devastated BW can see that a man capable of doing that to the OW after what he's already done to the BW is not a nice man, at least at the time that it's all been happening. I suppose the married couple both have to have faith that he can become a better man as well. And of course for a true reconciliation he actually has to become that better man. My marriage is in the "success" category so far. My WH's affair lasted more than 6 years, there was much love professed between them, a child was born during the affair (who's now a teenager) and the OW was single at D-day and yet we stayed together and reconciled. He could have left for her if he wanted yet at D-day my WH, who is not very overtly emotional, turned into someone begging and pleading to stay with me, insisting that he loved me and asking me to love him back. It was all a bit much to come to grips with given I was a total mess myself. Somehow we have pulled through. I too would like to know the true statistics of how many marriages successfully reconcile after infidelity as mine is just one story... 1
Popsicle Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 There is no way to know how often it succeeds and it depends on how you are defining "succeed". If succeed means they simple stay together and never divorce regardless of what happens in their marriage afterwards or whether they are happy or not, then the odds are very high that they will succeed. Most couples stay together after infidelity. 2
RainDown Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I've never seen any major research studies on the topic, so this question is probably impossible to answer with any degree of certainty.
Friskyone4u Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 There are so many moving parts in infidelity there is no way to predict anything. The person who figures out how to do that will be an instant millionaire. Just think about this. WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF SUCCESS ??? if that means simply that the two are not divorced then there percentage of success would be much higher. But if you define success as NOT totally ruining the relationship and two spouses wind up just living together going through the motions for kids or finances the rate of "success" goes way down. I believe most of the literature states that infidelity does NOT usually cause immediate divorce or separation. In the book "Not Just Friends" it states that when the man cheats it is usually totally driven by sex and therefore when the sex stops the marriage can survive. The same book says that when a woman cheats she is usually checked out of the marriage before the sex begins and is usually much more emotionally involved. So to answer your question until you define success it is impossible to answer because everyone will have a different concept of that. 1
gettingstronger Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Honestly, I feel like reconciliation depends on the strength of the relationship before (and I suppose) during the A. I know it sounds off, but my husband and I have always had a great relationship- we really do like each other in addition to loving each other and being married- in our case, my husbands past caught up to him (he had a horrible childhood) and his way of dealing with things (sex as power and a fix) in my mind was the root of the issue- he was willing to work on him in addition to working on us- facing lifelong issues of risky behaviors, etc... I knew he could do it if he faced it- that and of course as I said before- I love him enough to try- it really comes down to that- do you have it in you to try- 1
DKT3 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 There is a huge difference based on gender. BH's are far more likely to walk away. This website and others like it don't represent the numbers on the whole. Success, I don't think is simply staying together. That is so often the case, a lot of times its more of a "I'm here until_________ happens" There are studies out there that say 70% of BH's will leave the marriage within 2 years, while 40% of BW's will. On the wayward side, a third of WW's will leave for their AP's and 9% of WH's will leave for the AP. How those numbers go together is beyond me.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you all for sharing some quite intimate things. To define success it would be to stay in a committed monogamous marriage based on love and to be able to work through whatever issues existed to put the A behind them and grow in love. Not for the kids, religion, finances or any other reason. 1
Noirek Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 There is a huge difference based on gender. BH's are far more likely to walk away. This website and others like it don't represent the numbers on the whole. Success, I don't think is simply staying together. That is so often the case, a lot of times its more of a "I'm here until_________ happens" There are studies out there that say 70% of BH's will leave the marriage within 2 years, while 40% of BW's will. On the wayward side, a third of WW's will leave for their AP's and 9% of WH's will leave for the AP. How those numbers go together is beyond me. They don't. They are inaccurate. Real life and statistics on these things never match up. Plus, people lie. A WS may say they chose to leave. A BS may say they kicked them out. And the opposite is true. And thanks to the "cuckhold" stigma and double standard, a BH may feel the need to talk big if their wife leaves. I know a woman who divorced her husband over a year after he left her and was living with the Ow. On paper it looks like she was the one to pull the plug. In reality he was a arse who couldn't be bothered to do the work. OP, when the proverbal poop hits the fan people often are forced to face reality. People can love more than one person at a time and now they have to choose. And both the BS and the WS have somethibg tangible built together. A home and maybe children. Even legal ties. Some people realize they don't want to give that up after all. And their love for the OW isn't strong enough for necessary actions. Always true? Of course not. But something to consider. 4
RainDown Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you all for sharing some quite intimate things. To define success it would be to stay in a committed monogamous marriage based on love and to be able to work through whatever issues existed to put the A behind them and grow in love. Not for the kids, religion, finances or any other reason. But that's the problem. If waywards had the skills to work through relationship issues properly, the affair wouldn't have happened in the first place. I think a wayward would have to do a lot (and I mean a lot) of work individually in order to even begin to properly understand how to make a marriage work. Many of them can't or won't do this. I think this is also why so-called "marriage counseling" fails when it comes to infidelity - infidelity is not a marital problem. Infidelity is an indicator that the individual has a lack of coping skills, boundary problems, avoidance issues, and/or a whole host of other issues that have nothing whatsoever to do with the marriage itself. A successful marriage requires two reasonably healthy, functional, mature, honest individuals who are committed to making it work. Resorting to infidelity as a response to problems in a marriage is an extreme decision, by any measure. How could such a person make ANY relationship work unless they get all that figured out first? They can't. Which is why second marriages fail at astonishing rates. You have to fix yourself first, and most never do. 2
BetrayedH Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I'm sure I could dig up some other stats but the one that immediately comes to mind has to do with a confession being made. Measured at two years post Dday, in those situations where a voluntary confession occurred, 70% remained together. In situations where the affair was instead discovered, the numbers went down to 35%, with only half of those reporting as "happy." In my view, "true remorse" lends the greatest likelihood to a reconciliation and nothing speaks more to true remorse than a voluntary confession. 1
GoldieLox Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I'll let you all know in a few years. My husband is the strongest person I know for staying. I knew with going to him with what I had done, there was a very large chance he'd leave. He didn't. He credited this a lot to me actually confessing. I'm also in counseling again (thank god. it was long overdue) and we are working on getting into MC. We're trying. Will it be enough? Time will tell. 3
Cloudcuckoo Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) If BS and WS decide to try to work it out and make the marriage work, how often does it succeed? Are there mitigating factors like duration/ intensity of the A that portend the success rate? I've never been the BS in an A situation and I think there are some really strong BS out there. I do not know what I would do if I found myself in that situation. Thanks I'm not sure of the success rate either, and as many have said, there are so many deciding factors. In my own circle (and shockingly, there are many who have been involved with infidelity in one way or another), quite a few have stated that the longevity of the marriage, in combination with what the BS considered a good relationship on the whole (everyone has disagreements), the evidence of real remorse and active participation in aiding the spouse through the healing process seem to be determining factors. My husband was not a nice man during his affair. To either of us. I didn't recognise him as the person I made promises to, but when push came to shove, he worked hard and I recognised the huge efforts he made not only in our marriage, but as an individual. At d day I simply gave him the choice. Her or me. If he chose me he had a whole raft of s.... to deal with, and when he wanted to stay, I made it quite clear that I was prepared to work with him for a limited time on the understanding that if he failed to step up, I would not hesitate to leave. My personal feeling was that we had always enjoyed a good marriage up until a problematic move, and that I owed the marriage history the opportunity to regain Our equilibrium. We have been together for 28 years and he is a respectful, loving husband, a wonderful 'Papa' to our two grandchildren, and a genuinely nice man to be in the company of. The infidelity was a long time ago. Edited July 12, 2015 by Cloudcuckoo 1
Bittersweetie Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you all for sharing some quite intimate things. To define success it would be to stay in a committed monogamous marriage based on love and to be able to work through whatever issues existed to put the A behind them and grow in love. Not for the kids, religion, finances or any other reason. I agree with other PP in that it may almost impossible to find a definitive success rate. Based on your definition of success, my H and I are successful. We are in a marriage based on love for each other. I've worked really hard on myself and my issues, and we've both worked hard on our relationship. On d-day, we had no kids, no house so those weren't reasons to stay. Now, we do have a house and a kid. The factors vary for each couple, for each person, for each situation. I know I am fortunate that I have a H who was willing to give me a second chance, not everyone is willing to do that, understandably. And he was not weak in any way to do so...he is one of the strongest people I know. Hope this helps. 2
AnotherSadSong Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 It is the strangest excuse that men squirm and make others believe it was only meaningless sex when they are in action, but they do or would not shrug it off as meaningless sex when or if their spouse or lover were too , they go nuclear. Men, they are so charming with their abilities to cause massive wars, nuclear warheads, and mass graves around the globe. By their own capability to rationalize this, I no longer wonder why they can be so unlikable, uncaring, and hateful figures. It is their nature.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 I agree with other PP in that it may almost impossible to find a definitive success rate. Based on your definition of success, my H and I are successful. We are in a marriage based on love for each other. I've worked really hard on myself and my issues, and we've both worked hard on our relationship. On d-day, we had no kids, no house so those weren't reasons to stay. Now, we do have a house and a kid. The factors vary for each couple, for each person, for each situation. I know I am fortunate that I have a H who was willing to give me a second chance, not everyone is willing to do that, understandably. And he was not weak in any way to do so...he is one of the strongest people I know. Hope this helps. I am so glad to read this. It is a great example of what marriage should be and I am so glad you got your second chance. Well done. It also gives me hope my ExMM and his BW have a shot if they both invest the time and effort. Thank you for sharing 1
Cloudcuckoo Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 It is the strangest excuse that men squirm and make others believe it was only meaningless sex when they are in action, but they do or would not shrug it off as meaningless sex when or if their spouse or lover were too , they go nuclear. Men, they are so charming with their abilities to cause massive wars, nuclear warheads, and mass graves around the globe. By their own capability to rationalize this, I no longer wonder why they can be so unlikable, uncaring, and hateful figures. It is their nature. Sadly, it is an aspect of human nature as a whole, and not gender specific. Some questions are quite difficult to find answers to.
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Question: I would assume that the odds of MM/MW being able to successfully reconcile with BS decreases if there has been more than 1 instance of cheating during the marriage. Do you agree?
Cloudcuckoo Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Question: I would assume that the odds of MM/MW being able to successfully reconcile with BS decreases if there has been more than 1 instance of cheating during the marriage. Do you agree? I imagine that might depend on whether all incidents were revealed at a day. I presume most would become jaded with repeat offences at some point and throw in the towel. There is only so much a person can tolerate, no matter how resilient don't you think? 2
Popsicle Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Question: I would assume that the odds of MM/MW being able to successfully reconcile with BS decreases if there has been more than 1 instance of cheating during the marriage. Do you agree? It depends on the circumstance and people. It didn't with my sister. Her husband cheated multiple times but she just didn't want to divorce. She learned how to be better at burying her head in the sand and he learned how to better smooth things over and hide it to protect her. Anything is possible. Edited July 12, 2015 by Popsicle 1
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 I imagine that might depend on whether all incidents were revealed at a day. I presume most would become jaded with repeat offences at some point and throw in the towel. There is only so much a person can tolerate, no matter how resilient don't you think?i agree for myself However ExMM BS are super Christians which may play a part
Susmay Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Question: I would assume that the odds of MM/MW being able to successfully reconcile with BS decreases if there has been more than 1 instance of cheating during the marriage. Do you agree? I still think it's about the state of the marriage and the people it. If there's only one D-day (for multiple cheating) then I see no difference, however repeated cheating after a D-day means that any reconciliation work was all for nought. If there's a second D-day but for earlier cheating, well hmm I just don't know. 1
waterwoman Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 The length of time of the marriage/relationship must make a difference. We had been together for 28 years and married for nearly 20 years - the affair was 6 months. The maths is quite simple really. Why not at least attempt to keep it together rather than throw that time away WH needs to be prepared to stop the affair completely and have no serious regrets about doing so. My H was sad that they could no longer spend time together at work and was worried about her but no real regrets about ending the relationship. If he had missed her a lot and obviously pined I couldn't have dealt. It was hard enough to lift my self-esteem off the floor without that. The BS has to really want to do this - to stay with their spouse - not just be panicked into a knee-jerk reaction to keep the status quo. WH has to be prepared to eat a lot of humble pie without defensiveness. I feel bad for my WH looking back but it was his doing and, bless him, he never ever complained. That was essential. Long-term, the marriage has to be re-examined and any issues addressed. If the WH tries to force this too soon they might as well just walk away. I was aware of problems and addressed them quite soon but if my WH had tried to use these problems as an excuse or a reason to blame me, I'd have kicked him out instantly. Be kind to each other. You need that most of all. Oh and I agree that if it happened again all bets are off - he'd be gone gone gone! But if that happened I would imagine that most of the above wasn't the case. 4
Bittersweetie Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Question: I would assume that the odds of MM/MW being able to successfully reconcile with BS decreases if there has been more than 1 instance of cheating during the marriage. Do you agree? My H made is very clear while we were working on things that if I had another A, or even contacted xOM, things would be over between us. I'm not sure if now that we have a kid and house if things would be different...I doubt it. I believe my H would follow up on his promise to this day. However, I'm not looking for another A or to contact xOM. Not because of my H, but because of myself. I don't want to be a person again who hurts people and lies. There are WS who change only to stay in their M, and IMO those WS are probably more apt to have another A.
Cloudcuckoo Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 "Be kind to each other. You need that most of all" I couldn't have put it better waterwoman.
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