alex_pan Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Howdy LoveShack, Long-time reader, first time poster. I'm not even sure if I have a clear question here, but writing it down may clarify my own mind if nothing else. Dramatis Personae: my partner (female) and I (male). Two professionals, together for 20 years, no children. There's a bit of background, but let's start at the current episode. A few years ago, my partner stopped working. She announced that she wasn't sure what to do, I was mildly supportive ("are you sure this is a good idea?"). And then she sat around the house, watching TV and surfing the web, periodically saying she wasn't sure what to do. (This seems ridiculous written down, but in real life one week ends, another starts, no change, and before you know it we're months into this.) As time goes by, I get more and more agitated. She starts to fight back, various promises were made ("I can get a job next week if I wanted to. In fact, I've got an interview ...') but nothing changed. I know subsequently that some of the "interviews" were just made up. Her behaviour gets more and more out of hand: drinking to the point of passing out, screaming at me in the street, picking fights with friends and driving them off, minor clutter escalating to the point of outright hoarding and slovenliness. She goes around the house noisily at all times of the night, and sometimes just disappears. I drag her kicking and screaming into therapy. After a year, it produces no effect other than "understanding my problems better". She frequently brings up her therapist as ammunition: "My Therapist says you shouldn't be so angry. My therapist says you should be more supportive of me." Much later I manage to get her onto anti-depressants but likewise, there's no real change. Then I happen to open the wrong letter and discover than she's run up massive credit card debts and emptied several bank accounts. We have a negative net balance and she's been working hard at preventing me from finding out as she juggles debts from account to account, hiding paperwork, lying about bills being paid. Now the background - almost this exact thing happened 8 years ago: the anger, the hiding, the isolation, spending all our money. At this point, I'm just spent. I feel like my whole life is spent firefighting. Every problem, descends upon me and it becomes my job to fix it, and that's all I do. Any time I try to engage with her to do handle some of the unpleasant details that have to be done, she avoids me, dodges the topic or diverts into a conversation about how I don't support her, am I going to breakup with her, bringing up old grievances. I'm certainly not blameless - I should have intervened more swiftly, I should have gotten her better help ages ago - but I'm at the end of my rope here, trying to help a person that won't help themselves. Thanks for reading. Any thoughts or advice appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 If you are married, get her off all joint accounts & give her a cash allowance. Drag her to a financial counselor & demand to see at least 5-10 job applications being sent out per week. If you are not married, leave. 1
Author alex_pan Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Blunt but on point. I gathered all the credit cards and bank accounts a few weeks ago, which underlined just how severe how the situation is. But I just can't get her to engage with the whole issue of our finances - she admits it's a problem but just shrugs it off like something we can't do anything about. I'd suspect a substance abuse problem of some sort, except there's no evidence of an actual substance.
casey.lives Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 what you spend your money on represents what you value. sounds like both you have different values
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