canadianchick Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Hey everyone So this is my first time posting on this site which I've been viewing since my break up 5 months ago.. Looking for some kind words of advice because quite frankly I think my friends and family are sick of me talking to them about it. So some background on my ex and mine relationship. We were dating for 5 years.. I met him when I was 18 years old and he was 20. Our relationship from the very beginning was sketchy for most people. I was the good girl university educated who came from a good family, where as he didn't quite have any direction what so ever in life which included hanging around with the wrong crowd and not Having a career. anyways I was always the girl who thought I could CHANGE him. So 4 years into our relationship he put me through so much drama ... Getting treated badly by his friends.. Cheating on me twice .. Not making time for me. One day I finally get the courage to break up with him. So the two months that we were broken up he finds out that I'm casually dating someone. He finds out and wants to get back together with me. Well blah blah blah we get back together and we decide to move in together.( big mistake) Once we move in together I finally feel like I changed him ... He starts treating me good starts doing things that good boyfriends do .. Pretty much we had a NORmal relationship for once in 5 years. We talked about our future and I was sure that he was the ONE. Because I felt like he loved me now because he had finally changed.....boy Was I wrong. 6 months of living together I find out he had a One night stand with some random girl on a boys trip in Europe... This broke me but I did what was right and moved out when he told moved out within days of him telling me..... Currently it's been 5 months post BU ..... And we are in constant contact. During these 5 months we've hung out many times , gone out to dinners, Walked our dogs , even gone camping..... I'm ashamed to admit it but it's mostly me who goes no contact and than I'm the one who keeps breaking it!!!! Why am I doing this to Myself? He's done so many horrible things but why don't I have the dignity to just move on? I can't even tell you how many times I've unblocked and blocked his number .. I even changed my number ... But only to have a weak Moment and contacting him again. Why can't I be strong and just let go? I know I'm torturing myself ... Edited July 12, 2015 by canadianchick
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Bear in mind that while you disrespect, dishonour and keep kicking yourself while you're down, you won't be in any position to let anyone - including him - love you, respect you honour you or pull you up. You self-sabotage. You self-sabotage because you have come to believe you are worthless, and deserving of the treatment you are giving yourself. You met while you were both very young. Mentally, you still haven't finished maturing yet, but the devastating blow of his infidelity hit your self-esteem and shattered your trust. What do you see in him that makes you want to keep being with him, even though he disrespected and dishonoured you? He cheated on you. He betrayed you. He deliberately ground into dust, the commitment you had developed. You need to stop hating yourself. You can't change people. But you need to change yourself. because all the while you yearned, hoped and prayed to change him - your being with him was in fact, changing you. He eroded your self-confidence, he laughed in the face of yOUR fidelity, and treated you badly. Yet you kept going back for more, ostensibly because you felt you could change him. But actually, because gradually, you were made to feel you could never get anyone better than him. He's a jerk. he's still hauling you around on a chain, because he can. because you let him. You give him permission to treat you any way he wants, because you have come to believe this is all there is, nothing better will ever materialise, and you are destined to be a victim of a bad decision for the rest of your life. Read that again. Unless you change - unless you get your act together, quit being a victim and show a bit of self-respect, dignity and integrity - this is your story, if not for the remainder of your life, then certainly the foreseeable future. You'll stop, when you want to stop. And you'll stop when you see that you are responsible for slowly killing any part of you that has self-worth and value. I pray you stop soon. 1
Author canadianchick Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you for your reply this is exactly what I needed to hear ... It's true that I give him permission to treat me anyway he wants ... I am going to initiate No Contact once again . Thank you so much
Ariess10 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 " if you get burned putting your hand on a hot stove, what do you do to not get burnt again"? Go nc and you'll be amazed on how better it will be .. Hard yes but in time you'll be better
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 You are moving on but it just feels like a glacial pace. The fact that you are looking forward to putting the past behind you is a good, healthy sign of heeling but he was your 1st love. You transitioned out of childhood with him & you had certain expectations of him. Sadly those expectations were unrealistic but you learn from mistakes & will never let another man treat you like this. Men are not fixer-up projects. If you want one of those, take up rehabbing houses but don't think you can change a man. If he as bad qualities at the beginning of the relationship, things will only get worse as time wears on. For now, take one day at a time. Keep yourself busy. Make changes to your life, even if it's just getting a hair cut.
15Love Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Why can't I be strong and just let go? I know I'm torturing myself ... He gives you a high you're literally addicted to. Try treating it as such and react accordingly. Do you want to be an addict? The deeper the addiction lies...the harder but more rewarding to release.
Author canadianchick Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Thanks for the reply everyone all of your replies just make me want to stay with No Contact even more . I will post again and let you guys know how no contact is going . 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) This is a resolution only you can take. We're here to help, but as with any form of addiction (and it's the same area of the brain with a drug addiction, that is affected), the person who has to go cold turkey, is you. I find sometimes when something is so overwhelming that I risk falling victim to the control of my emotions (which is ridiculous as they're all generated by me in the first place) that grabbing a pad and a pen and just writing - writing, writing, writing, everything and anything down, as it spews from my mind and heart - is extremely therapeutic and cathartic. I don't do it so often nowadays - well, in fact, hardly ever - but during a particularly difficult stage of my life, I would sit and just let everything flow from head, to hand, to pen, to paper. Man, you should see some of the crud I used to write! My handwriting, spelling, grammar all went to pot - but that really didn't matter. What mattered was 'getting it out'. The pages were filled with unintelligible scrawl, but I put everything I had into expressing how I felt. Keep it? Good lord, no. The moment I felt 'emptied'... had enough, could write no more, drained and done - I screwed the pages up and burnt them. Thank f**k that was over..... Try it. The next time you feel that desperately hollow, painful scrunching void in your gut, write. Write it all down for everything you're worth - no punctuation, no sense, no cohesiveness, no continuity. Just write. And vent. And let it all go. Edited July 12, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 3
Author canadianchick Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 Thank you writing would do me some good!
Author canadianchick Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Okay as of this moment I officially blocked his number!! Why does it make me feel so uneasy? Also blocking his number quickly makes me think , what if he phones me tomorrow. I would want to talk to him ?!?! See this is the kind of thinking that makes me in unblock his number again .. But no this time I'm not going to ... Please someone talk some sense into me! Also I completely agree it does feel like I have an addiction to him.. That's how unhealthy it has become. It's true the 5 years that I've been with him I thought I could change him but now I'm realizing I don't think he will ever be ready to be in a committed relationship. The way his life is right now leaves no room for any one decent to fulfill that. Edited July 13, 2015 by canadianchick 1
Gus Grimly Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 ... Please someone talk some sense into me! I posted my NC plan, just like you I have no power over the urge to unblock it. I had to take a few extra precautionary measures to ensure I wouldn't break NC. I just don't wanna be hurt again. I miss my ex like crazy, can't believe I lost my best friend, my closest confidant. That's why acceptance is brutal. But it will happen. Good luck. Stay strong, we WILL do this.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Okay as of this moment I officially blocked his number!! Good move! Step #1... Why does it make me feel so uneasy? Also blocking his number quickly makes me think , what if he phones me tomorrow. I would want to talk to him ?!?! "Why does it make me feel so uneasy? Also *refusing the drugs* quickly makes me think , what if he *offers me a fix* tomorrow. I would want to *snort a line*... ?!?!" See? That's your addiction, talking. I explained - the withdrawal from a 'love affair' is exactly the same feeling as a drug-withdrawal. Here's proof: See this is the kind of thinking that makes me in unblock his number again .. But no this time I'm not going to ... Please someone talk some sense into me! Addicts need a substitute. Hence the 'writing'. But if you need to find another diversion tactic - find one. Just don't over-eat. Maybe buy or borrow a dog, and go for a run. But leave your phone at home.... Also I completely agree it does feel like I have an addiction to him.. That's how unhealthy it has become. Drug-takers always argue it can't do any harm, and they won't get addicted, but slowly it destroys who they really are, and thy become another human being entirely. And not always in a good way. But get this: A person who recognises their addiction, realises it's destroying them and their social position, and takes the bull by the horns and fights it to overcome the hold it has on them - becomes a better person than before. Because they've been there, done that and fought, and won. And they are then in a far better position to understand, recognise and help others going through the same predicament. Come through this, and you will be a priceless and precious member of this community. Because you will absolutely KNOW what it's like, to fight this and win. It's true the 5 years that I've been with him I thought I could change him but now I'm realizing I don't think he will ever be ready to be in a committed relationship. The way his life is right now leaves no room for any one decent to fulfill that. Great! Hold - That - Thought! Keep coming back to it, time and again, when you need a reminder of just how toxic this situation is for you. Because that goes for you as well. It stops you being the person you deserve to be. While YOU are clinging to the vestiges of what you once had, YOU will never be ready to be in a committed relationship. The way YOUR life is right now, YOU will leave no room for anyone decent to fulfil that. And surely to goodness, that's NOT what you want! 1
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