purpledooze Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) My ex-boyfriend and I have recently reconnected after over a month of no contact. As of this writing, we've been broken up for 4 months. We were in an open relationship. While we were together, he had another girlfriend and I was seeing other guys as well. For weeks, our conversations were only through Skype. He would open up to me about his plans for the future, his travels and even career changes. He told me that in the weeks before we reconnected, he's been feeling bored, jaded and that he's lost his purpose. When I told him he has a lot of reasons to be happy for (i.e. his career, vacations every weekend, a great girlfriend, etc), he corrected me by saying he doesn't have a "great girlfriend" and that he was tired of relationships. He told me he was planning to move out of their apartment when their lease expires in October and that he wants to have his own place. This was 2 weeks ago. He's dropped hints that he wants to come by my apartment to see me -- claiming to have my hard drive (I've had it for months), that he needs to give me back my books, etc. He even offered to be my partner at rockclimbing. He's even offered to let me borrow his car if mine breaks down. I politely turned him down because my apartment was a mess (literally). He's also been curious about what I do during my free time, and how and where I spend my weekends. He even wants to know where I do yoga. When he asked, I told him I was dating an old flame, but that it wasn't serious yet because I needed to be alone. Though he lets me in on his plans or is curious about mine, he never explicitly asked me out. I'm guessing he was sniffing things out or leaving breadcrumbs. The past couple of weeks though he hasn't been initiating conversations (my guess is that he's busy at work), so I decided to meet him halfway. During one of our chats, I briefly noted that he and his girlfriend seem to be doing great. He said they were okay, but that he really needed a lot of space. I eventually accepted his offer to be my partner at rock climbing. We made plans, although I had to follow up on it and we had to postpone our first meetup/class due to a storm. Hours before we were supposed to meet, he said he was still too sick and weak, and that it's raining very hard. I told him I'd be going regardless of whether he goes or not, and I recommended that he get some rest instead. He said he'll still go because he was "excited." We met and though it was kind of awkward at first (I couldn't look him in the eye), we managed to have fun. However, an hour later, his girlfriend arrives from work and stays. She didn't climb, she just watched us and even said "hi" to me. I noticed she also decided to sign up for lessons. While she was there, he was a bit distant with me and he would sit beside her when resting. When she left for a while, he spoke to me from across the room and told me to let him know the next time I come for lessons so he could go with me again. I kept my chin up the whole time and left earlier than they did. But I cried on the way home. I thanked him the next day via Skype, but didn't mention how I felt about his girlfriend being there. He said he's decided to do more classes again and he expects to see more of me there. At the end of the conversation, I left him with a subtle goodbye: "Well I'm off. Thanks again for the tips and advice. I'm glad we reconnected for a while and it was nice seeing you. I'll see you when I see you I guess." He responded with: "I'll see you next week." What's going on in his head? Should I tell him how I felt that night? Was he preventing any awkward conversations with me by letting her tag along? Did he ask her to come or did she just happen to drop by after work? Note that one before, when we were still together, we had a fight/break and he brought his girlfriend to a conference we were supposed to be attending together. When I got angry by his gesture, it was what got us to talk and get back together. Is he doing this again? Edited July 12, 2015 by purpledooze
quattrob Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I don't know what you expect or how you interpret him... I mean you call him your ex-bf but yet you both have other bf/gfs.. that's some really messed up concept and not a way to get any kind of "serious" relationship. You and him were/are playing the open relationship kind of game and you're falling for him. As far as I see, you're asking for it when you're playing this kind of game. Sorry to be so blunt but if you're going to do this open relationship stuff, you better be prepared for situations/scenarios which you are in right now.
Author purpledooze Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 You have a point there. We were in an open relationship setup where we don't let our relationships get tangled up. My boyfriends would never run into him, or I should never get to see his girlfriends. Which was why I was taken aback when she was there. If he really did intend for her to be there, my guess is he's sending me the message that he's not into me romantically. But he could have just told me that and not claim to be "excited" to see me, nor insist to go to the lessons with me. My other guess is, she just showed up at the gym, and that he really does need space from her. But this is their issue, not mine to deal with. I'm thinking of sending him a short message: "Heya. Hope you're weekend's great. There's just something I wanted to say. You're a good person and I know you wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me, but seeing you with her was something I wasn't prepared for. Though I'm happy for you both, it still quite hurts. I kind of get what you were trying to tell me by bringing her along. Thank you for giving me closure."
casey.lives Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 you need to be honest with yourself in order to be honest with another person. open relationship?? yeah oooooooka. this other female who has full range on his life... to GPS him where ever... that's his girl. open our eyes and close our heart. you can't be happy with him and she will make her presence felt... as any loving female would. move on
Gus Grimly Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I kept my chin up the whole time and left earlier than they did. But I cried on the way home. I have no experience with "Open Relationships". But the whole endeavor seems like a slippery slope. It's challenging enough to maintain a conventional monogamous relationship. I can only imagine how complicated a relationship would get when a couple agrees to sleep with other people. If a person truly loved and respected you, they would NEVER go and find someone else for a physical and emotional connection. You would the only one for them and they wouldn't want to lose that. So with that in mind, why do you care? You should be disconnected from him, especially since you've been broken up 4 months. You both are free spirits experiencing life to the fullest. Right? 1
Author purpledooze Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 You're right. I think I may be in love with him more than he is with me. Even so, if he had wanted to reconcile, he would have been upfront about it. I guess he really did bring her as a "shield" to avoid having to be alone with me after classes.
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